Lee: Namaste!'s (lee0047) Reviews

Lee: Namaste!

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597 Public Reviews Given

597 Total Reviews Given

1

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#3919616

Review of Halloween

Review by Lee: Namaste!

In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group

Rated: E | N/A (Review only item.)

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The Good:
It is cute. A nice bouncy rhythm to it and excellent imagery. You do a great job at putting the reader at the scene. The rhymes are as darling as the subject.

The Not So Good:
I'm sure I'm the hundredth person to point out the typos in lines four and nine (mAy seem).

I Suggest:
The "Ghosts and goblins..." line should come first and edit line one to fit as line two.
You may want to not have to word "candy" so close to each other, but all I can think to replace it with is "sweets", which would cause more trouble.
In line nine you may just want to cut "my/may" all together.
Finally: This is nice, light fair. You did well, considering your usual proclivities, well done!

2

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#3825646

Review of The Book

Review by Lee: Namaste!

In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group

Rated: E

| (4.5)

The Good: You went to great lengths to get the lines uniform, with consistent good effect. The pace and rhythm are solid. The rhymes are organic.

The Not So Good: Many of the stanzas contain both the bad and the good of the theme. For me, it interrupts the flow, by having to adjust my focus.

I Suggest: Consider making a sub theme where you go from the frustration of the beginning to the summary of the final stanza. Go from the negative to the positive, finishing with the why; as you do so well at the end.

Finally:The Book, the blank page, the task; whatever you call it, all of us writers face it. You cover it really well in this poem. I know I can relate to it all. Even the non-writer will get the point. Well done!

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3

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#3708287

Review of UNENDING HOPE

Review by Lee: Namaste!

In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group

Rated: E

| (2.5)

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The Good: There is a lot of good imagery here. The pace and the rhythm are decent.

The not-so-good: "loothing" in line 15 isn't a word I recognize (looting? loathing?). Line 24: I think you mean breath, not "breathe". On single words (shaketh, changeth and taketh) either you use the archaic form through the whole poem or not at all.

I suggest: I lines 2 and 3 eliminate the word "the" (Like the rain of winter; Like the sun of summer). simplifies the line and helps the rhythm.
Poetry is meant to be read aloud anyway. This also serves as an excellent tool for editing as well. Makes it easier for me to find awkward phrasing and just missed words. Remember: if the word is "legal", spell check will skip it.
The line "FIGHTING and crying for peace" is kind of oxymoronic. This one is iffy as you may be trying to be ironic, but it doesn't seem like it.
Last line: rather than "gutsy" consider brave; or dig out the thesaurus

Try enjambment of the lines to make them even beats. It seems like it may work really well in this poem.

Finally: As I wrote; good imagery, while it seems to be a bit like material for two different poems. You not only change themes, but even language more or less half way through. There is some good stuff in here, it just doesn't seem to go all together.

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4

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#3474427

Review of Ripples of Difference

Review by Lee: Namaste!

In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group

Rated: E

| (4.0)

Consider Yourself RAIDED!

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The Good:
This is a sweet little parable about sharing joy and how it spreads. The details are good and the scene well set throughout. It is simple yet effective.

The Not So Good:
There are a few spots where the language is a bit imprecise. Read it through aloud, you will locate these spots. A couple of punctuation goofs too.

I Suggest:
The flow of the narrative is interrupted a bit too much with commentary. Try giving the scene first, then give a sentence of two of commentary. Or just leave the moral until the very end of the tale.

Finally:
This is a good little lesson that has heart and a good message. It just needs a bit of technical polish and a touch more organization.
Welcome and write on!

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5

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#3474161

Review of Serene Thrill

Review by Lee: Namaste!

In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group

Rated: E

| (4.0)

Consider Yourself RAIDED!

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The Good:
This piece is filled with joy and enthusiasm. The detail is good and the commentary pretty consistent.

The Not So Good:
The first paragraph needs to be broken up a bit, as do a few of the others.
Occasionally the vocabulary doesn't match up. In one sentence you used the word "stationed" like a soldier or a park ranger and equate it to "tourists".

I Suggest:
Consider starting the first paragraph with a dry definition of Thrill.
Intersperse the initial thrill premise with the descriptions of the scenery. As it is now, you segregate this ideal in the first and last paragraph.
I'm sure there is skiing up there. This will work well with the thrill motif, and will help involve the reader.

Finally:
This is fine PR for this section of the world. You are obviously enamoured with these mountains and it shows.
This just needs a little space between thoughts and a few more details and some merging of thoughts.
Welcome and write on!

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6

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#3472936

Review of The Journey

Review by Lee: Namaste!

In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group

Rated: E

| (3.5)

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The Good:
The details are straightforward and easy to follow. The observations are clean and the pace is decent.

The Not So Good:
The ending is a shock to the senses with nothing in the body to support it, and it is rushed.
There are redundancies that need to be addressed.

I Suggest:
To deal with the redundancies requires cutting and editing. Example: eliminate the first sentence, you deal with it in the second. You use "chat" in consecutive contexts; mix up the word choice.
Set up the ending by introducing some melancholy to the narration. Help us feel the angst and despondency.
Tell us the story of the conversation with his parents using dialog in place of dry description.
Break up into paragraphs more often, even if you have to break them into single sentences.
Marry observations together. Example: place the observations concerning the kingfisher together, with minimal interruption: "A I see a kingfisher is perched on an overhead electric line. The as my bus stops at my destination. The kingfisher It then swoops down on its prey."

Finally:
It advertises itself as a "short, short story"; too short. Foreshadow the ending. You can do this via the set up at the the top, through the conversation with the parents, to the end through his actions afterward.
This is a nice template, it just needs expansion more than anything else.
Welcome and write on!

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7

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#3471070

Review of Ode to Larry Cabby

Review by Lee: Namaste!

In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group

Rated: ASR

| (3.0)

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The Good:
This has a nice pace and good, tight visuals. The scene is familiar, with a unique point of view.

The Not So Good:
The rhythm lacks a bit with the lines of different sizes.
Reads more like a really short story rather than as verse.

I Suggest:
Add some poetical devices. Example: "He sees the long dirt road, and goes down it, and takes it." The repetition here would tie the two lines together with good effect.
Cut and simplify. Use fewer words to add to immediacy, pace and rhythm. Example: "Passing several homes, until he gets to his destination." This makes the lines more direct and to the point. Brevity is the soul of wit, and all that.

Finally:
Much like a short story, editing out the chaff is key. Be brutal. Get it down to nouns and verbs, adding only strong adjectives to make your point.
The visuals, as mentioned ,are solid. This just needs some tweaking to get to your objective.
Write lyrically on!

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8

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#3470531

Review of The Phoenix and the Boy

Review by Lee: Namaste!

In affiliation with The Coffee Shop for the Fantas...

Rated: E

| (3.5)

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Good:
This has pretty good action and setting. The prose is clear and straightforward and seems to hit the target audience pretty well.

Not So Good:
The back story is a little cluttered.
The paragraphs break in strange spots in some places.
The ending, while clever, seems forced in some respects.

Consider This:
Make the boy the narrator of the story. In the ending, he seems incidental to the story. Making him the narrator would tie the ending up together by giving the boy a reason to be there.
The beginning could be simplified by starting the story by singling out the last phoenix and his loneliness, Then, move to the story of how he ended up that way. This new opening will snatch the reader helping them to stay around for the rest of the background.

Summing up:
This makes a nice legend for the night sky.
It just needs to be made more simple and direct. This will further appeal to your target audience. As it is, it does seem inspired by Beagle. It just needs some tweaking.
Welcome and write on!

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9

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#3458371

Review of Roses and Violence

Review by Lee: Namaste!

In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group

Rated: 13+

| (4.0)

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The Good:
This story has excellent detail and flows well. The prose is clear and concise and it's easy to read. The narrator is sound and the subject matter is universal and timely.

The Not So Good:
All three relationships are rather similar. The descriptions are very uniform as well.
Read this aloud, there are a few tense and language trouble spots.

I Suggest:
Develop the characters of each lover a little bit more. Make each memorable. You may want to cut one of them.
The paragraph are too uniform in length. Do not not fear the one sentence paragraph.
The language is redundant in a few spots. At least twice you use nearly the exact same "I knew I would never see here again." Mix it up a little.
It works better when you avoid naming things. IE you name the towns. It flows better when you used descriptions like "my hometown" or "the next town over". It just seemed better when more general.

Finally:
You have a definite talent for description. This story has much to recommend it. You just need to loosen it up a bit. Welcome and write on!

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by KC under the midnight sun

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10

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#3458059

Review of Veiled

Review by Lee: Namaste!

In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group

Rated: E

| (4.0)

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The Good:
Though brief, the length is near perfect. The rhymes are solid and it flows well. There is excellent imagery and good loyalty to theme.

The Not So Good:
While well constructed and evocative, line four seems out of sync.

I Suggest:
Rework line four.
Make split between lines four and five. There is a subject change starting with five.
This may need some internal punctuation. Example: "Love hasn't faded over the years; it has grown."
You may want to consider ending some lines with commas to improve visual flow. It's been said good poetry is meant to be read aloud. Let an out loud reading guide your punctuation choices.
Might need a spell check.

Finally:
There is no doubting the heart and beautiful images here. Just needs some technical tweaking. Welcome and write on!

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#1583808

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by KC under the midnight sun

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#3447681

Review of Our little secret

Review by Lee: Namaste!

In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group

Rated: 13+

| (3.5)

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The Good:
The ending was a solid surprise. You did a good job of general misdirection and the narration was consistent. Your scenes were tight.

The Not So Good:
Could use a punctuation remake. Shorten the paragraphs to correct changes in subject and meaning. The dialog was edited kind of haphazardly.

I Suggest:
Instead of "seen another woman last night" try had or did. Feels better and doesn't give the ending away.
Later in the wife interrogation, you can start dropping hints about the ending. Have her say things like: "I can't believe you went behind my back " or "how could you do this without me?"
Clean up the inconsistency of him forgetting to make sure the purse was out of sight, yet he remembers to wash his clothes?

Finally:
Definitely different. Wouldn't want these people as neighbors. The story just needs some technical and artistic housekeeping.
Write on!

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#1583808

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by KC under the midnight sun

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12

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#3447670

Review of The Facebook Dilemma

Review by Lee: Namaste!

In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group

Rated: 13+

| (3.5)

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The Good:
This has good detail with an interesting subject. The invective and speculation is well written and displayed.

The Not So Good:
The first paragraph needs breaking up. The short paragraphs will give impact and improve rhythm.

I Suggest:
Expand the tale. Example: add to the sentence "she could only be the daughter of that slut" that stole my father. Little extra details like that will enhance the strength of the narrator and add texture to the story.
I'm assuming this is autobiographical, and this is all that has happened so far. By changing just a few specific details, you can make this into a longer fictional piece. This will allow you to speculate further into what may happen if the narrator hits "send". Failing that, you can delve further into the psychology of the narrator. How she feels about her father, the other woman and how that effects how she feels about this half sister she is sure she has found.
Lead with the sentence about "idle wandering" and have it stand alone.

Finally:
I'm sure encounters like this happen on Facebook a thousand times a day. You make a good start on a story about one such occurence. Expand it, and it will be an intriguing story.
Welcome and write on!

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#3447374

Review of Broom Service

Review by Lee: Namaste!

In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group

Rated: 13+

| (4.0)

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The Good:
This has a solid ending and consistent narration. The characters are clear and there is good detail throughout. The descriptions help make the setting clear.

The Not So Good:
The punctuation is inconsistent. There are a host of spots where you either need a full stop or a semi-colon. Read it aloud for theses spots. If you stop speaking or take a breath, you at least need a period.
Otherwise clear of any errors either in grammar or story.

I Suggest:
There are either too many paragraphs, or not enough. As long as you are dealing with a single subject the sentences should stay together. Do not fear the one-sentence paragraph, nor the several sentence one.

Finally:
I'm really impressed with the consistency of the voice of the narrator. All the problems with this are somewhat technical. There are holes in the plot and setting, but that is just due to the limitations of the excellent narrator.
All this needs is a tightening of the paragraphs and some punctuation fixes.
Nice work and write on!

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by KC under the midnight sun

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#3447350

Review of Lost In Wonderland

Review by Lee: Namaste!

In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group

Rated: E

| (3.5)

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The Good:
There is solid imagery here with a strong loyalty to theme. The rhymes are good and and the rhythm fair.
You can really feel the affinity to fallen and holy angels here.

The Not So Good:
The rhythm is kind of spotty in places. The word "angels" shouldn't be capitalized. The punctuation is a bit inconsistent.

I Suggest:
In stanzas three, seven, eight and nine you should combine those short lines so that you end up with two lines per stanza. It will clean up the visual structure.
Line four and lines eighteen and nineteen (after combining them) should be edited for brevity and awkwardness. The points are fine, just needs to be clearer and less wordy. This will improve the rhythm as well.
Line 17: "serenade" should be made plural.

Finally:
I really like the the parallels drawn between the speaker and angels. It makes the poem. It just needs some grammar fixes, consistency and editing. Welcome and write on!

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#3435218

Review of My Boss Made a Monkey Out of Me

Review by Lee: Namaste!

In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group

Rated: E

| (4.0)

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The Good:
The pace is good and the dilemmas largely logical. The descriptions are sound and the flow is solid.

The Not So Good:
I'm just not buying that he was too embarrassed to ask for help. You should just have everyone gone from his section.
Seems fine technically.

I Suggest:
Cut and simplify. Some of your points are close to redundant and some of your sentences run on a bit. It could be much tighter. Start with the adverbs and adjectives. It will just make the pace faster and pull in the reader even more.
While rather humorous in spots it's not laugh out loud. Maybe if you give more examples of how cheap the boss is, you will get some more.
Consider leading the story with " 'My boss made a monkey out of me tonight,' Sam thought with a snort." It's a great lead in.

Finally:
The structure here is pretty sound. Read it aloud and you'll find the awkward spots. For me, the read aloud edit is my most productive step. Welcome and write on!

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#3410459

Review of Snow White Has Cut Her Finger

Review by Lee: Namaste!

In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group

Rated: E

| (4.5)

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The Good:
The mix of rhyming and non-rhyming Stanzas is innovative and works pretty well. It has a decent rhythm and uses language and imagery well. The theme is consistent.

The Not So Good:
The use of the title as a recurring line doesn't really work. The poem relates well enough to the title without it. It's just an unnecessary interruption.

I Suggest:
Some fairy tale phrases would work well in this. "Once upon a time" or "Happily/unhappily ever after" would add much to this.
From the nit-pick file: Snow White actually pricks her finger in the tale. I only mention it because it might be a better phrase to use, it seems to roll off the tongue better. Plus it sounds more like a accident while "cut" feels intentional.

Finally:
This is a good study of how fairy tale and reality are at odds. It comes off well in this. Welcome and write on.

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#3410442

Review of Wild Weeds

Review by Lee: Namaste!

In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group

Rated: E

| (4.0)

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The Good:
This has a decent rhythm and solid rhymes. The visuals are clear and the theme consistent.
The Not So Good:
Lines eight, ten and twelve that are extended with the phrase "wild weeds" should end at the commas.
Line twelve is cluttered. You can cut "on" and "land." The thought is complete; the extra words just bog it down.
I Suggest:
"Wild weeds" is plural, yet you use the singular pronoun "its" consider using their instead.
Finally:
This is very clever verse. The language just needs to be boiled down to make it a bit less passive.
Welcome and write on.

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#3409423

Review of My 4 favorite Words and Why

Review by Lee: Namaste!

In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group

Rated: E

| (2.5)

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The Good:
An intriguing exercise. The opening sentence is clear and to the point.

The Not So Good:
You need to make new paragraphs before changing subjects. Each word in this exercise is a different point. Then the final paragraph about how the words relate in whatever way you are trying to present.

I Suggest:
Expand this. While separating each paragraph give details about why you feel the way you do. One paragraph, at least, per word. Then sum up, as mentioned above, in the last paragraph.
Much of what you have to say, without adding all what I suggest, would make a good poem, with some rearranging.

Finally:
There are some good thoughts and points in here. Its biggest drawbacks are structure and/or its brevity. Give it some thought, I'm sure something creative will emerge.
Welcome and write on.

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#3409404

Review of Hungry for it all

Review by Lee: Namaste!

In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group

Rated: E

| (4.0)

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The Good:
This has good visuals and a consistent pattern. The recurring lines give it texture and character.

The Not So Good:
You are short one syllable in the second line of the last stanza, to make it haiku (or Senryu, it's a close call).
Seems clear otherwise.

I Suggest:
Two ways you could go:
You have three of the five senses in this, you could do them all.
Considering the title you could just go with the two senses associated with dining: taste and smell.

Finally:
This a good piece which makes its point very well.
Welcome and write on.

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#3409368

Review of Summer's Freedom

Review by Lee: Namaste!

In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group

Rated: E

| (3.5)

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The Good:
Works well as a memoir so far. The pace and details about adolescence are solid.

The Not So Good:
There a handful of missing words, redundancies and awkward constructions. Do a read aloud edit and you find them (this is personally the most productive part of my process).

I Suggest:
Either make this longer with a more comprehensive ending or limit the scope to just the angst of having lost the driving privileges.
Consider starting the story with being on the bus, and then tell the story of how it happened.

Finally:
This is a great start for something longer or a good spot for a comprehensive edit.
Welcome and write on!

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#3409346

Review of Crying Earth

Review by Lee: Namaste!

In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group

Rated: E

| (3.5)

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The Good:
An excellent job of personification. Good use of detail and the periodic rhymes work well. Has a good pace with loyalty to theme. Makes it's point.

The Not So Good:
The rhythm is spotty, at best.
The subjects are uncoordinated as similar things are in different places.
It reads more like prose than poetry, for the most part.

I Suggest:
Edit out the smaller words whenever possible. This will make it less passive.
Shorten the lines. Do this by this simple rule: If you come to a punctuation mark, make a new line.
Here's an example that covers both suggestions from the first line:
"I am the last of my kind,
a dying breed,
alone but for the sound of my own heart beat." The comprehension is better and it has an improved rhythm.
Put like concepts together. This will enhance comprehension too.

Finally:
There is heart and good points here. Just needs an improved rhythm and some other logical fixes.
Welcome and write on!

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#3409328

Review of The Tale of Tinker Toyle

Review by Lee: Namaste!

In affiliation with The Coffee Shop for the Fantas...

Rated: E

| (4.5)

Review affiliated with: "The Coffee Shop for the Fantasy Society" by Matt Bird MSci (Hons) AMRSC

The Good:
This has a good pace and a solid moral. The details are just right and and the action is easy to follow.

Not So Good:
If you are trying to hit the children's market you will have to simplify the language a bit. IE smart in place of intelligent.
Everything seems solid otherwise.

Suggestions:
Add a little more of the Watch/Time connection. Either in dialog or as a narrative aside. While it's easier for non-children to see, the young ones need help.

In Conclusion:
This reminds me of Russian fairy tales I've read. As it is it appeals to YA and older. And that is a great character name.
Good work; write on!

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#3408237

Review of Why (A Little Girls' Story)

Review by Lee: Namaste!

In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group

Rated: E

| (4.0)

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The Good:
This has good heart and solid rhymes. The pace is decent and it is very loyal to it's theme.

The Not So Good:
This is lacking in rhythm, in part due to the longer lines.
The language used doesn't seem consistent for a thirteen year-old. Until you mention her age it's more like six or seven at most.

I Suggest:
Consider language changes to better represent the age. For instance, Mom and Dad in place of "Mommy" and "Daddy".
Edit the lines for brevity or split them up, rhyming every other line instead. This will help give you a rhythm.
Put subjects together: Mommy lines with mommy lines, Daddy lines with Daddy lines, etc.
Try to start as many lines or couplets (if you split them up) with "why". It will help the overall effect.

Finally:
The is ambitious work. You tell the story well. It just needs some things tweaked and it will come off much more consistent. Welcome and write on!

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#3407886

Review of In Elysian Fields

Review by Lee: Namaste!

In affiliation with The Coffee Shop for the Fantas...

Rated: E

| (4.0)

Review affiliated with: "The Coffee Shop for the Fantasy Society" by Matt Bird MSci (Hons) AMRSC

The Good:
Has a very good pace and rhythm. Tells a great story with flair and personality. The rhymes are decent and it has heart.

Not So Good:
Line 26 seems out of character for the poem. Maybe a line that ends with her heart or something like it will work.
Line 22 has a stray quotation mark. I believe it goes to the beginning of line 23.
Also 22: "jest" is a fine rhyme but comes off kind of nonsensical, as Pegasus doesn't really make a joke.

Suggestions:
Consider changing the order of stanzas five and six. It will allow the set up to be lady/steed/lady/steed and the end result will still make sense.

In Conclusion:
You asked me to give an opinion on this two weeks ago. Sorry it took me so long to get to it.
This is a good narrative verse with just a few kinks. Good work. Make some more and write on!

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14 days may be credited.

#3402217

Review of The Hunt (Rough Draft)

Review by Lee: Namaste!

In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group

Rated: 18+

| (4.0)

** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **

The Good:
There is good detail which heightens the tension. This story involves the reader quickly. The flow is solid. Good job describing the action and the physical attributes of the protagonist simultaneously.

The Not So Good:
Rather than underlines, use italics for emphasis.
Otherwise fine grammatically and consistent in presentation.

I Suggest:
Consider leading paragraph one with the wind leaving her shivering.
Show all five senses in the first paragraph. Have her taste the iron and smell the prey.
She spends a lot of time "thinking". Consider changing the narration to first person.

Finally:
You drag the reader right into the middle of the action. Tighten things up even more. Good start, keep on!

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