Greetings River Kingsley   -
 This is review of " Artificial Intelligence "  .
This review is given in the spirit of fellowship, and to help improve each other's writing.
It, by no means, is meant to cause harm by the opinions expressed there within.
Please take what you feel is constructive and discard the rest.
[ First Thoughts ]
This is an intriguing story of artificial intelligence and the calamities of what happens if AI were to decide they wanted to be the top of the food chain. A staple of science fiction, I was excited to see your take on it, especially from a teen-aged protagonist's point-of-view. How does one cope when things quickly change from bad to worse?
[ Suggestions ]
This section of review will focus on some suggestions on the mechanics and pacing of your story. For grammatical errors, I can send you an email with more detailed editing suggestions, if you'd like. To make things easier to read, I'll break down the review chapter by chapter.
 Prologue: The prologue gives the reader a decent amount of information on what is happening to protagonist's world to jump start the story as well as a bit of history of how AI were perceived before the initial event that starts the war between AI and humans. You also provide some background information on your protagonist. However, these two things are kind of jumbled together, making for a conflicting read.
Prologues, as a whole, can be tricky to maneuver. Usually they are used to relay information and/or a sequence of events crucial to the rest of the story but are not in the same timeline as where the story begins. Things to think about with the prologue -- what is essential for readers to know going into the story, and what can revealed later as the story moves forward. Depending on which path you go with your prologue, what information is key for this portion of the story? There should a balance to your reveal(s). For example, I know more about the protagonist's mother and sister than I do about the protagonist. I don't even know her name until the middle of the first chapter. And do I need to know what her mother did after her father's death? Besides being told that his death led to not having AI in their home, her mother's sense of denial and spending habits provide information I don't need as there is no tension or animosity between the protagonist and her mother as the story moves on. My suggestion would be to consider what information is a necessity and what information is simply background story.
Chapter 1: The first chapter immediately jumps into action. This is definitely a decent start as it serves as a hook. One of the things I really liked were the character's thoughts added throughout the chapter. This gave a good window into who the protagonist was and what her personality is like. There were some background things that were missing that were also difficult to infer from the few textual clues that given in the prologue. For example, what kind of hometown does the protagonist live in? Is it small and rural, moderate and suburban? This matters as it gives a sense of setting for where the Pod launches took place as well as an explanation as to why the town is deserted and currently lacking in AI presence.
A structural element that you should consider when revising is dialogue cues. Every time a person speaks a piece of dialogue, no matter how small, is must become its own paragraph. By breaking with each piece of dialogue, the reader is better able to differentiate between speakers. It also helps with flow.
Chapter 2: There is a better sense of the protagonist in the second chapter. There is an anticipation as the character is now thrust into a situation where they are alone, in an active war zone, trying to find a way to not only survive, but somehow get into one of the remaining Pods still on Earth, reconnecting with her family.
Wal-Mart is a good setting to transition her to, although it seems a bit strange that she was able to make it from the launch site to the Wal-Mart with little travel. However, as this is the place of her former job, it makes sense that she would feel safer there. This might be something to touch on more. There is confidence in her actions, a sense of purpose even when the magnitude of what has happened to her is setting in. Is it the familiar that's helping her function or the continuing adrenaline of the situation or habits/training she might have picked up during the uprising? Is the lack of contact with others making her anxious because she's extroverted and needs the presence of people to feel comfortable? Or is it the silence that seems to be adding extra stress? This bit of characterization would be helpful because as a reader I would like to know what keeps her going despite her constant assurance to herself that she's going to die.
Chapter 3: The characterization here is a little wonky as there is contradiction between the protagonist's actions and the emotions revealed later. For example, she loads the gun without difficultly, which led me to believe she had some experience with guns, yet in the next paragraph I'm told she has none. Handling a weapon, especially for a scared and anxious person, would be a difficult thing to do without prior knowledge. It's important that the actions and emotions being portrayed are align with each other.
One of the things to examine is the technique of "show, don't tell". As previously stated, your textual clues bring forth a certain perception. Those impressions, sometimes contradictory, are then told through the protagonist's thoughts. What are some of the ways you can convey her emotions and experiences without telling them to your audience?
Chapter 4: This was an intriguing chapter as it reveals more about the protagonist's new travel companion and how he came to be in the situation he is in. His story also gives background on what's happening outside of the protagonist's limited view as he is not from her hometown. This was also exciting because you bring up the beginnings of two moral dilemmas -theft amidst conflict and the workings of AI and human relationships- something that might continue as the story progresses.
The taking of the money from the cash registers brings up a fascinating conflict because it seems almost out of place. On one hand, you have the protagonist taking goods from Wal-Mart for survival, which makes logical sense. There is no longer a mechanism to pay for goods, and food and water are essential. She even encourages her new companion to do the same. However, she feels at odds taking the cash from the registers. This is a moral line she does not want to cross. It brought up an interesting facet about her character. While this might be meaningless as I'm not sure if electricity is still functioning at this point, I think it adds a nice dimension to your story. (As a side note: if electricity no longer works, the cash itself is useless as vending machines would no longer function either. This doesn't mean you need to scrap the section, but maybe rework it a little. For instance, what stops them from prying opening the vending machines as they pried open the cash registers with or without cash? Is this a facet of Latin's character?)
Another potential conflict for the future is that AI is controlling the escape Pods. You've given the audience a tidbit of Latin's weariness and mistrust of AI as well as the government. This is something that seems to be a broader sentiment as a whole. Why would they not share that AI was a crucial part of humans moving away from Earth? I look forward to see where this plot point goes.
Something you might need to clarify in this section is what Latin means by fighting. Was he part of the military or law enforcement? Or was he involved in the conflict because human forces needed people no matter their training? I bring this up because there are spots when it seems like the protagonist is guiding the older companion when it would seem that the companion has more background experience, especially having survived on the streets alone up unto the point he meets the protagonist. You also have the conflict of ages. While we have the protagonist's weariness of trusting her new companion, Latin seems to trust her completely. Does she remind him of his daughters? Is it just the relief of seeing another human after a while? Having some contextual clues here would help Latin feel more nuance as a character.
[ Conclusion ]
The first few chapters of your story have a great deal of potential, and I enjoyed the different dilemmas you're created with what can happen in the future for the protagonist. It was a joy to read, and I can't wait to seeing where you're going to take this in the future.
Thanks so much for sharing you creation. I'm looking forward to reading more of your work. If there is anything you need clarification on or need my assistance with, please don't hesitate to contact me. 
|
| (4.5)
| (4.0)
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When writing about age, you may want to consider spelling out the number eight instead of just listing the number. This is somewhat preference for the writer, but some writers believe that you should spell out any number under ten.
But the home team 
The structure of your prose is sparse and streamlined. Each section stands on its own, but flows into the next line well.
Causes my body of work to bear the signs of 
The prose you've created is moving and magnificent. Thank you for sharing. Write on! 
I shall swallow your yesterdays, regardless of the cost. 
My blood, my sweat(,) my tears.
