"There's going to be a banger of a last line I bet!"
That is what I thought halfway though. I enjoyed reading this. One line at a time is effective in writing Dog thoughts. It has the feel of a Zen story.
Maybe you should try writing the whole piece from Dog thought and skip the descriptors.
The moral of the story? Who is controlling your life? All settings on Dog App were set by someone who is no longer here. Why not set them all at default and start from there.
A woman was cooking a holiday meal with her mother. She cut the end of the roast off as usual, and said, Why do we cut the end off? Well, that's the way my mother did it. So they went to the living room and asked the question to great grandma. She said, so it will fit in the pan. LOL
Davy! I found your poem under "read and review" on the home page.
What fun! Your poem made me smile! Do you see rhyme all the time, I bet. Because you are so good at poem lines, here is an invitation to lots of fun.
Scroll Down the side bar on the left and click "browse be type" then scroll down to 'ins and outss" select Linericks. We write Limericks one or two at a time. It is lots of fun and you would be so good at it, so please, please come!
/1
Bravo!
I got to this piece through the link on Linericks! I liked your limerick. I didn't review it, I was in a hurry. My next stop is always Writers Cramp. I looked at the prompt and drew a blank, and mostly out of curiosity I looked at the entries. There you were again. After reading your work, I had to take the time to do a review because I was stunned. I didn't even notice when you used the words after the first line, I was taken in by the images forming as I read. WoW. "How'd she do that? And what mental process took you from the word list to the entry? The best I could think of was maybe taking a hike, but it would be obvious and boring. I can't even pick out my favorite line. Now, looking at the current time I see how fast you did it! Bravo
I really enjoyed reading this. It kept my attention to the point that I wanted to read it faster and faster to see what would develop "dangerous" in these two unlikely women's friendship. Then the descriptions slowed me down as I took time to visualize the characters and the clothing (that was fun!).
There was one place I had to stop and got a little lost in time. It is the transition between being at the museum and the shopping trip.
Regarding the paints Amy bought Enya. "She hadn't used it yet." From my perspective, they hadn't left the museum, so how could she have.
The next paragraph, I'm thinking they are still at the museum. Maybe reversing the order of the following two sentences would let me know she was back at home and at a further point in time.
Amy was getting ready to go out. It was a Wednesday and it had been a good week. Maybe you could consider making this story split into scenes with some sort of break Like I II II or by the use of dashes --- or by just a larger space break.
I really enjoyed reading this. For some reason I imagined it was in San Francisco. Maybe the women added a Hitchcock feeling to. I would have also liked a scene with the husband. I know he is exactly like the character in "Sleeping with the Enemy" but it would have been fun to have a visualization of him, his work, maybe his home office.. just a little more. and also maybe watch a normal husband wife conversation turn creepy.But that just shows how much i liked the story!
I have a grandchild, a baby girl named Audra. She is the first, and for a long time, I didn't think I would have any. Her mother has been waiting so long for a child. She is so happy. So very happy.
Now this pandemic starts a month after her birth.
It breaks my heart that the world looks so bleak right now when I see the over the top joy in my daughter and, what can compare to the first smiles of an infant.
I think of the others that I love. I pray for their safety.
Then I think, what, does God tally up the number of prayers said on a person's behalf to decide whether they live or die? That is about as silly as the Amazon stocking the blood of Jesus. I get what you are saying.
But I still have faith and that faith needs expression right now.
I have no choice but to be a woman of faith. I have delved deeply into the natural sciences and see the marvel in all of creation. So much so, that I can't take it lightly.
And I can't help the dismay as I look at the shallowness of culture and the ignorance of people,
So I don't pray silly prayers anymore, asking favors. I stick to The Lord's prayer,with emphasis on Thy kingdom come" and recently I learned the Jesus prayer, it goes like this:
"Lord Jesus Christ, Son of God, have mercy on me, a sinner."
And I repeat it everytime I think of my loved ones.
And it satisfies my soul.
This is not really a review, but a response, right? Well, the fact that you got such a response from me, means you really triggered my thinking enough to write all of this. That makes it really good, because I don't write much!
Hi! I enjoyed reading your story. I certainly got the picture of living in a tenement or low income housing. I can see why you remembered this guy and why you chose to write about it.
I think you should add more details. I would like to know the certain ways you did things, like open the door, for example. I would also like to have a better image of the place...like was there a yard, or grass or plants, how tall was it. I would be interested in more details about the people, like what the little brother did to impress his brother, what kind of trouble, How did the accident happen? Was it on purpose or did the little brother not know how to drive. And a little more on how the relationship changed with you and the brothers.
It was easy to read, and enjoyable. I didn't get lost in the train of though once. I lost myself as I was reading! I loved the ending, didn't see it coming. Her character was spot on. Loved the human experience of shame transforming into reconciliation and restoration.
I thought 20 feet from the end of the driveway meant that you hadn't got to the end of the driveway yet so the next sentence was confusing and the third paragraph about being barefoot sounded like the beginning of a new memory. So did the weather change. I had to work a little to put it all together.
Suggestion 1. Relax, watch the pendulum, you are getting drowsy, now we are going back in time...back to a warm summer day....can you smell the creosote..and the process where you went from confident to stuck would be fun. Was the foreboding weather connected to feelings of doom that I imagine you felt? I remember the feeling of guilt when I unsprung my mothers eggbeater, got in trouble for it - and then did the same thing to the new one.
Suggestion 2. Tell the story, and use story telling language. I am starting with a blank slate and begin forming images as you write. I will interpret each line based on what you have told me so far and will do my best as I read to form an image. The richer the image is in detail, the more enjoyment and connection the reader will experience.
Ok, that is it. My disclaimer is that I have brain damage and only one item in my portfolio since I joined in 2011. And it is unfinished. So thanks sharing your experience with me and I hope this helps...
I got a little confused in the first paragraph and I think it is because the point of view switches. I think how can you see hi lips are filthy, I guess if he is eating the microphone you could hear it. Or perhaps filthy lips refers to the content. But I dont know that yet. And prior to this sentence you write in first person so it seems that the following sentence should be from the same point of view. They were to continue driving until ...change to. We were to continue... I think you mean tuned out. The storyline sounds interesting and I would enjoy continuing to read it. If this is helpful, request a review when you are a little further along and I will be happy to do it.
I found your item on the sidebar. I have had Major Depressive Disorder for a half a century. Your first verse great! I have been there!
Consider leaving out truly. Bleak is an excellent word and it stands on its own.
Now the second set....well, I'd start over...I think I get what you are saying, but I am not quite sure. But then the mystery of consciousness has the physics professors speachless!
You have more to say. Consider writing a few more verses with the same meter as the first verse. I like it!
Boy can you write and tell it like it is. I felt like I was listening to you talk. You make your points very clearly, you have insights, you are forthright and I get the real sense that you are transparent, just telling it all. Your writing flows in a way that makes it very easy to keep on reading. So you can write like talking.
So because of all that, I believe you are...say, like a reporter and this is your life. It is not fiction. And you are expounding, declaring a truth. Self reflection, self examination. Am I right here?
With your words and expressions of emotions, you reminded me of my emotional teenage years. I hurt just like you say, only I didn't remember the sense of it until reading your piece. (I'M 63 and still totally cool, lol)
.
So look at all you can do when you write. Keep writing. Keep writing. You should consider a major in journalism!
Boy does this sound like the beginning of a good story I thought when I read the last line (following TBC...oh I just figured out....to be continued.
I don't have much experience writing, but I can't help but wonder if you shouldn't switch to telling this story in first person, as if you were Sarah. It might open up your ideas more. And it would allow you to get into her mind easier and describe the experiences from a more personal perspective and be easier to write her emotions. I would have to learn more about it to be sure. I know there are great resources to teach you the story telling methods here on wdc and all over the web. In any case, you would want to decide early in your writing so you could be consistent. How to switch from narrator to first person or what your choices are.
The other suggestion is to look at the sentences.
Sentence two and three. It was time to go home, home to Wachese, a small....
One more thing. Write like you would talk for the most part. Would you more likely say "With her father's passing" or "Her father died last year (or when ever) ...
"Putting Jake aside for now" or "She couldn't think about him right now."
This looks like a good story. Let me know when you write more of it. I want to see how the craziness emerges. Oh, you should watch "Harvey" with Jimmy Stewart. It is based on an Pulitzer Prize winning play. The crazy turn out to be the most sane and the "sane" turn out to be nuts.
The psychiatrist ends up on the therapy couch talking to the patient...You won't be disappointed!
Hello Random Read (means the website selected it for me)
Your writing fills my head with images and it amplifies the concept of inner demons very well! I have been very interested in the sounds of words and for the first time I realized that "screams" sounds terrible to me. Not an onomatopoeia tho.
There is one change I would suggest. When the voice returns, to be consistent, would be best kept in the first person. "Face US now, WE keep growing, ETC.
OK, here's another idea that just popped into my head. If you wrote this in paragraph style how would it be different. It might give you the ability to amplify the drama even more if you wrote it in first person as in describing a dream.
OK one more thing I just noticed. There's no Title..,
Your writing idea here is very creative and your images are translated well into my mind as I read, You have talent!
This must be a chapter in a book, right? More background information would be helpful before I started to read it. I felt a little lost, jumping right into the dialogue. On a technical note, recovery rooms are not sterile....they look sterile.
Your sentences often contain "and". Some of them could be broken into two sentences since they are two thoughts.
I was confused about who Al was.
I noticed triple spacing and didn't realize that it was a break in the story, signaling the next day. How about using a line of asterisks instead. That would be more clear as to what is happening.
I like your physical description here:
They are eating lunch in a yard of concrete and dirt, and are introduced to me by the director of psychology.
but I had a hard time putting this into context of the bigger picture. I would have guessed they would be eating lunch in something a bit more space aged.
The above sentence also is an example of "and" to tie to thoughts together when they might be better off being two sentence. Check your comma uses.
If this is a chapter in a book, let me know when you have more written. I think your story is good and you kept me interested!
I clicked on review and found this piece. I think it was a message for me! I have struggled with being housebound for a long time now. And I haven't left the house for three days now... I know it is not good for me, but it is such a struggle.
I like the way the poem transitions from the inner world to action, did someone knock on the door? And then WoW! The emotional reaction. Just like mine last time Fed Ex delivered a letter to me. I was so happy there was no one there who wanted to come in and stay awhile.
Your poem has meaning on several levels to me. And you managed to describe my real life feelings. A year and a half ago I got so tired of being alone and often bed, I picked a day, and on that day I took a few belongings, got rid of my house and my bed and moved into my truck and moved across the country. It was terrifying. But it was the only way I could think to get well. So believe me when I tell you, that you have described a very real set of emotions and perceptions, and I am a person who would know!
What a great story! I was not bored during a single word. ( (There was one word misspelled, (LOL I just misspelled the word misspelled) isles should be aisles....)) Your dialogue was good, and the theme of the story seeps to be a universal one. Just a bit of physical descriptions would have helped my mental images as I was reading. Was the pastor young? I liked the casual purple sweater... I was raised Lutheran, and we called it congregation, not audience fyi. I bet you had fun writing this. I think you are on to something and should keep at it!
Dear Random Review....what are the chances I wonder of me getting your writing twice in a row. Well, who knows, but that is how I got here again. So, so so so
I loved the poem. The first verse alone could end up a nursery rhyme! As I read on, I think you capture the repulsion to spiders, ok. It's a good thing you don't live in the desert in Arizona....the spiders are big and fearless. Thankfully most are harmless, so I learned to fall asleep with huge spiders on the wall. Step over tarantulas....
This is a sad poem. I really wondered (because of the title) if you were dying. I looked at your portfolio and your pictures were scary. Then I read that you teach about the sacrements...then I look at your "handle".and i am on tilt. OK, back to the poem. This sounds very sad, as if you are dying or divorcing and moving to the other side of the world. I imagine you thinking these thoughts over and over in your mind as you plow snow on dark stormy winter days. It is an effective little ditty, but the only way I got any depth to it was when I looked you up. So that's ok, at is a simple little ditty! All the best and write on!
Yikes! You freaked me out! I actually forgot to give you gift points with my review of your latest poem. I went to your portfolio to follow up and I saw you write dark material and the title of this didn't match. So you snagged my interest and I read it. So here I go again.
You are good at writing. I know more about murder in America than your average wdc member. I am interested in crime and psychopathy. It came about with my first interest in prison reform, sentencing reform, criminal justice reform, etc. I have seen and read about hundreds of cases. None of them creeped me out like your writing. Yet it was a pleasure to read. Started out sounding like love. Then the first hint of something awry. But no, it must have been my error but I can't stop long enough to analyze that. I'[m torn...then it just keeps getting worse. No it can't be, it must be me. It is, it isn't. Then the sock in the gut. An invitation to visit the mind of a psychopath where the love all twisted up with the strands of bowels resides.
Well, there you have it. One readers reaction. Very effective. Few words. Big reaction. So I say two thumbs up!
Oh, check out alabama injustice. com. I got rid of everything I own and moved from Arizona to Alabama. Billy Kuenzel is an innocent man on death row twenty six years. We know who did it, he plea bargained and turned states witness and got out of prison in seven years. His name is Harvey Venn and I moved right down the road from him. So I need to stop procrastinating and get my blog going so if I end up dead, it won't be any surprise who did it. For real. it will either be him or the prosecutor Robert Rumsey who withheld evidence and lied to the jury. Freedom's just another word for...nothing left to loose!
I could write a good review if I could only think better today. But you had me choked up by the time the colors faded and the sounds muffled. straining never reaching brought tears to my eyes. In just a few words I know that you know everything I know and that you are communicating our plight to the . How'd you do that?
And isn't that wat a good poem is supposed to do? Bravo!
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