\"Writing.Com
*Magnify*
SPONSORED LINKS
BY ONLINE AUTHORS
Printed from https://writing.com/main/profile/reviews/laurielpl
Review Requests: OFF
3 Public Reviews Given
16 Total Reviews Given
Public Reviews
1
1
Review by Elspeth Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (4.5)
Jillian,

This is really good. *Delight*

The concept is perfect. She is in his head and in their kitchen. He can destroy her kitchen, but he can't escape the memories. Male catharsis.

Really wonderful.

The only suggestions I can give are:
*lightbulb* Lose any extraneous words. I.e. “The ones that she fell in love” – take out the word that. Rarely is the work ‘that’ actually needed.
*lightbulb* Another hole has appeared where the rack had once been. - I’d take out the word has
*lightbulb*- Use a few more creatively descriptive adjectives.
*lightbulb*- This may just be me, but the word cheesy broke the mood for me.

Great story.

elspeth
2
2
Review by Elspeth Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (4.5)
That was beautifully moving!
If this in not already published, I hope you find somewhere to publish it.

There is only one line I would suggest your looking at again. Perhaps change
         fierce pain like none before
to
         pain fierce like none before
2 Reviews · *Magnify*
Page of 1 · 25 per page   < >
Printed from https://writing.com/main/profile/reviews/laurielpl