The, “Now, he just wanted to survive,” line caught my attention and I had to find out what his next steps would be on the survival trail. I liked your having him claw his way to the road and the use of the phrase, “ began the trek toward the cabin,” sets how tired he feels starting this journey.
I enjoyed your description of him finally settling into complete motionless
The ending kept the suspense of whether or not he was alive until the twist line at the end.
A good story that I enjoyed
Thank you
Stay Safe and Healthy
Paul
🌻❤️🐸🙏🏼
Thank you for sharing your story with us, write on so you can share more.
I enjoyed the story. I was caught by the wonder about why he had his face pressed against the grass, especially after the comparison to the yard in Phoenix. was it the difference that attracted him? and then came the Peepdots which I really enjoyed. I think you handled mommy’s discovery very well. The whole piece was well thought out and presented.
The only technical thing I found was you missed quotes around your first sentence, “What are you doing, Sammy?”
Thank you for sharing your story with us. I enjoyed it because I’m interested in the possibilities of Death and what I’ll be going through at some time. I’m 81 with several problems so I have no idea what to look forward too.
I was captured by your first two paragraphs. They drew me in with snowflakes with fangs and that she’d led many lives. The story progressed neatly with no breaks or mistakes.
The only problem I noticed was with rhe cat howling, cats do not howl. Here’s an excerpt from Wicapedia.
“ Howling is how wolves and dogs call to each other, it's a social thing. Yowling is a sound cats make when fighting or courting.”
Thank you again.
Stay safe and healthy.
Paul
🌻❤️🐸🙏🏼
I was captured by grandpa and the princess who gets his attention. Having 6 kids and 16 grand kids with half girls I had a plethora of princesses and princes to deal with. The second thing catching my attention to bubble gum and baseball cards which were a big part of my life growing up. I haven’t thought of it in years but there is a sadness engendered when I realize I haven’t seen them in a long time.
I loved him explaining what he did with collecting and trading the cards and his teaching her what it was by buying her some to try. I have many fond memories of that marvelous pink stuff. Double Bubble, Hubba Bubba and Bubble Yum are the ones I remember, but I can’t remember which ones I got the cards from. Damn, I hate getting old and losing all those memories. Most live in a grey fog now.
I liked the closure even though I haven’t had the pleasure of having it stick to dentures yet. It is so much like what I would do.
Thank you for a delightful little story.
Stay safe, healthy and enjoy life, it’s still a great place to hang out.
Paul
🌻❤️🐸🙏🏼
It’s a cute story and brings back many memories I’m not sure I’m fond of. I can not describe the number of times I’ve experienced each of those tragedies. Yes, at 7am on a work day, late for day care, they are always tragic. All three simultaneously, as in the story, on many occasions.
I enjoyed the story and appreciate her final solution.
The only problem I noticed was you have him going “Up” the driveway in both directions. As a point of fact and not direction, the way I’ve always heard it is you go up the drive going away from the street and you go down the drive toward the street.
A neat essay on one of my favorite songs. I’m 81 so I grew up listening to Simon and Garfunkel and many other folk singers of that age. I was never into the Rock scene, I loved the Kingston Trio, Peter, Paul and Mary, the serendipity singers, James Brown and a hundred others.
It was also extremely prophetic, everything they sang about neon gods and people listening but not hearing is true.
Thank you for those memories, now I have to go listen to it again.
Stay safe, healthy and enjoy life, it’s still a great place to hang out.
Paul
🌻❤️🐸✍🏻🙏🏼
I liked your description of your “Main Character.”
It is nicely detailed with statements like, “… with the scent of the sea clinging to him like a second skin…” Having been in the navy and lain on the catwalks smelling exactly that I understand what you’re saying. I haven’t thought about that in a while, thanks for the memory.
Another is, “… the robustness of his build is belied by his years.” I’m 81 and can understand that on an intimate level.
I would get rid of the first line, “ Name: Iain MacGregor.” It detracts from the description.
I’m a retired engineer and my partner is a retired lawyer with an MFA and neither of us have ever encountered that word before. She’s 75 and I’m 80 and we both are continuing our education.
I could find no technical problems and nothing other I’d recommend.
I love the story, it’s perfect. With 6 kids, 3 boys and 3 girls, I can’t tell you how many times I’ve been through exactly that. They could never find their coats, shoes, socks, clean underwear, clean shirts, …etc, etc, etc. the list goes on and on. And, their mother could never remember where she’d put her keys so I was the “Great Key Finder” too. I always could and one time they actually were in the freezer. She’d gotten out ice cream and left her keys. Go figure. I found her purse in the refrigerator once and many other things she’d misplaced.
I assume you’ve through that too from how it’s written, which seems to be with great understanding.
I love remembering. The kids are all gone and spread across the country with their families and my wife died 9 years ago so, thank you very much for those memories.
Paul
🌻❤️🐸🙏🏼
Thank you for sharing your work with us. This is a fun, safe place to hang out and there are a bunch of talented people here who freely offer excellent help. I found it a little over 5 years ago and enjoy it more each time I log in.
Welcome and I hope you enjoy it here as much as I have.
This reads like a single small scene from a larger story. For whatever reason the legend says she has to die so the people will live, and it happens on her birthday turning some age. My assumption is it’s when whatever society she lives in considers anyone an adult. But she doesn’t die, unless we assume the mist was a fatal thing to enter or the fact that she wasn’t there any more amounted to equivalent of death. A good little scene the way you wrote it. A couple technical details.
A line-feed between the 4th and 5th lines.
In the third line I wasn’t sure is he had something else to say, or something “…more.”
You use the word “Say” twice in the 5th sentence and it’s something that stops some readers train of thought, it interrupts the story. I recommend changing one to another word like, “… the words he was about to say, but …” to “… the words he was about to utter, but …”
These are just suggestions, it is your story and you get to decide which words you get to use and how to use them.
Thank you again for sharing and I hope you have as much fun here as I do. You have a great deal of time longer to have fun here than I do, but I’ve found it’s not the length of time fun is to be had that’s the best, it’s the intensity of the fun you’re having that counts the most. I’ve had a great deal of fun for many years and I do have a few regrets, but only a few where I’ve hurt others.
Stay safe, healthy and enjoy life, it’s still a great place to hang out.
Paul
🌻❤️🐸🙏🏼
✍🏻
I enjoyed this story. I like stories of witchcraft and wizards and boiling cauldrons.
I found a few typos and word changes, but someone who really knows punctuation should check that.
In the 4th paragraph the line “Intrigued by the sound, yet knowing that i should leave, my curiosity best me and I stood there, silently listening. Yes, it was a droning hum or chat, and I became paralyzed by fear. Yet, ever the detective, I was mystery driven to find out what was going on.”
The first ‘I’ should be in caps.
The phrase “…my curiosity best me” looks like a typo, also the phrase “… I was mystery driven to find..” maybe”bested” and “mysteriously”?
In the 5th paragraph in the line line “Was I encroaching upon a fire that…” the word ‘…upon…” is not necessary. The word ‘Encroaching” includes the concept. In the same paragraph in the last line with “…but i continued on to be sure.”
The first ‘I’ needs to be in caps.
In the 6th paragraph the sentence, “ There, in the clearing before me, in the light of the now rising moon and the background of an ancient graveyard, a ceremony or ritual was taking place.” you describe the ceremony in the moonlight and grave yard but ignore the fire. I would think the majority of the imagery would be illuminated by the fire, not the moon or graveyard.
There were a couple words I thought should be changed, but that may just be a matter of my choice.
Again, I enjoyed this story. I’ve read a couple others of your shorter word ones and enjoyed them too.
Thank you for sharing your story
Stay safe and enjoy life, it’s still a great place to hang out.
Paul
🌻😊🐸🙏🏼
Hi,
That is so absolutely true. When I was about 6 years old I heard my parents tell a joke using the word, “Dingy,” and spent the time between then and 19 years old, in the navy for 2 years until someone used the word and my mind did a flip/flop that stunned me realizing that Dingy wasn’t a dirty word. I’ve been laughing at myself over that for 60 years.
Paul
🌻✍🏻🐸🙏🏼
I can see nothing technical wrong, it is well written.
It does bring back many memories though of sitting with my mother in a Kresges drinking a milkshake or a root beer float. I didn’t think there were any Kresges left though. I’ve been Santa for several places, stores mostly but for a TV studio that did Santa videos for kids and parents. A few of the parents got in on the act too.
Thank you again, it brought a warm, fuzzy feeling to me remembering my mother.
Paul
🌻❤️✍🏻🐸🙏🏼
This is a lovely poem and I found nothing out of sorts in it to mention.
I love humming birds and have written about them, I try to plant humming bird attractant plants and keep at least one feeder going I can sit under and watch them. They get comfortable with me there and wind up perching on me. It’s a real treat to have your ear licked by a hummingbird.
It’s beautiful in the emotions those 4 lines of 17 words evoke in me. The absolute feeling of disgust for anyone of that ilk. Tolerance and understanding are big in my world.
Paul
Stay safe, healthy and enjoy life, it’s still a great place to hang out.
🌻🖋🙏🏼🐸
That is a cute little story. It points out a problem that few talk about.
I have contested for years that the English language is illogical and received nothing but arguments in response. My partner has an MFA, practiced criminal law for 30 years and is a published author so it’s quite a scene when I say that around her.
This piece caught my attention because I’m 79 and feeling that fading away approach. I couldn't find any technical problems. I did find a great little story that effected me in a good way. The character sounds like me, I play the curmudgeon, but I like people and interacting with them. It was easy slipping into the character for the story, I like to live it with them, and the final line came as a hammer blow. My wife of 45 years died 7 years ago and she floods back into me as you described. It is a very humbling feeling to remember the 45 years we had together.
Thank you again for the memories reading your story brought back.
Stay safe, healthy and enjoy life, it’s still a great place to hang out.
Paul
🌻🐸🙏🏼
Thank you for sharing your story with us. It’s a good little story and I enjoyed it.
I did find what appears to be a missing word in the sentence, “ He fumbled for the latch, knew it meant something, and then twisted it and unlocked door.” Maybe, “… unlocked the door.” would be more correct.
Thank you for sharing your story with us.
Stay safe and enjoy life, it’s still a great place to hang out.
Paul
🌺🐸🙏🏼
I’ve been reading your short stories and this is the first one I thought I could make a contributory comment, you write very well and I failed English so I make few comments there.
I enjoyed this little story, even though it was very dark. I liked the setup of the “Good” brother and really liked the twist you gave the last line.
The thing that drives this comment is the line, “ I cocked the trigger. Mattie yelped finally recognizing what I held. She too seemed frozen.” You do not ‘cock the trigger’ you ‘cock the gun,’ if it’s a revolver you can “cock the hammer“ because it’s exposed and you can see it. You can’t on most automatics. Also, you’ve indicated both windows were closed, both shattered when he fired, so how did he hear a Yelp, then she’s ‘Frozen’ so he couldn’t have assumed the Yelp from her movements. It stopped me and made me think for a moment.
Thank you again. I am enjoying your work. I’m still an amateur and learn from reading others that are better at the craft than me.
Stay safe, healthy and enjoy life, it’s still a wonderful place to hang out.
Paul
🌺🐸🙏🏼
I liked the story, tales of Karma working appeal to me.
I was confused by your opening where you talk about your dominate mother in law, then Daphne takes over and is the antagonist. The first two lines make me believe her father is still alive. It’s not his house any more, it’s hers. And if she “Rules” why does Daphne dominate?
I liked the twist of the punishment. It makes me believe in Karma when I read twists like that.
I have an avid dislike for people like Daphne. You brought out her character quite well, I had no trouble developing a dislike for her. I had no problem with Oriana’s character either. You handled the “Cinderella” aspects well.
Thank you again. Stay safe and enjoy life, it’s still a wonderful place to hang out.
I enjoy writing dialog and reading it, you can pass along a lot of information that way that would just be a data-dump in any other form. I think you write it well.
I enjoy tales about Changelings like Vampires and Werewolfs, especially ones that portray them as thinking entities rather than ravening beasts. A favorite that I can’t remember title or author of had the werewolf fighting against the Axis powers in Europe during WWII. He saved innocent people from them.
One thing that caught my mind were the sentences you begin with an ellipse. To my mind an ellipse indicates broken thought or interruption during dialog and using them at the beginning without any indication of previous dialog or thoughts is confusing to me, I had to reread the section several times to understand. You might consider changing that for clarity.
The only other thing I saw was what looks like a typo, an extra character. Remove the “… a …”from the sentence, “I didn't a actually call you a freak…”
All I can say is, “I love it!” I agree with everything you say and the truly sad thing is that your poem applies to 99% of the people in power who we should be able to rely on for protection, the politicians and the preachers. Both have a vested interest in keeping us ignorant. You can’t control an educated population and both areas require ignorance.
Thank you for sharing your thoughts with us.
Paul
💐🐸🙏🏼
I liked the story and the rendering of the vernacular dialect in dialog was much what I remember from living in rural Oklahoma in my teens 60 or so years ago. I try for that too with limited (in my opinion) success.
The only minor technical problem I saw was the reference to “Casting Off.” It means to untie from the shore so your vessel floats free and he was already navigating between piles of tires and rusty barges. Something you couldn’t do with a line still attached to shore. I was in the navy for 6 years.
I enjoyed The Lady Of The Lake and Fishing Jim’s finding out he got what he wished for only to find it wasn’t what he thought it was. My thinking is he’s going to spend a long time regretting that while trying to catch his next wish.
Thank you again for a cute story.
Stay safe, healthy and enjoy life.
Paul
🐸🙏🏼
An interesting story about a game that I’ve never been good at. I can see ahead when I design computer logic, but not in chess. I thoroughly enjoyed watching the series Queens Gambit on Netflix.
I could not find anything I would consider pointing out, it is well structured and tells a neat story. Having read a bunch of history though, I don’t think it was an original move.
Very well told story, I enjoyed it. I’m reading several others too.
All Writing.Com images are copyrighted and may not be copied / modified in any way. All other brand names & trademarks are owned by their respective companies.
Generated in 0.13 seconds at 9:43pm on Dec 21, 2024 via server WEBX1.
View Portfolio
Visit Notebook
Send Gift Points
Awards
Badges
Send Email
Community Newsfeed
General Discussion
Sponsored Items
Book of Trinkets
Static Items
Books
Groups
Interactive Stories
Audio
Campfire Creatives
Community Notes
Crossword Puzzles
Documents
Folders
Images
In & Outs
Madlibs
Photo Albums
Polls
Product Reviews
Quizzes
Survey Forms
Web Pages
Word Searches
My review has been submitted for consideration in "
