this is amazing! You are truely a poet! it is a great and loving tribute to your father
you have my best wishes and don't stop writing- you have true feeling for the sea and a love for your father that brought tears to my eyes.
very nice thoughts kind of depressing though lol I loved the way you ended it try not double spacing though it makes it hard to read and interpret
keep in mind, find a voice- I had trouble trying to find the "voice" either passive or intense you be the judge instead of using "if" try "I" for Example
I sometimes wonder why summers are gone so quickley;
but Winters linger on.
I reflect upon the daylite hours
and how I wish summer was never gone.
very well written----insightful, what are you going to do with this--I think it somehow has to printed in a newspaper or you might even try getting abc,cbs,nbc- to air this- you can do that by going to their web sights and finding phone numbers DO NOT E-MAIL talk to someone by phone
oviously you are from Haitai, I am sure there is a newpaper you can post this too as a letter to the editor
but given that---you need to remain safe- do not use your real name- what you have written is inflamitory
just be very careful with whom you share this and also very careful with how you proceed for publication
the death of a loved one, particularly a close family member is extremely hard to deal with. I have no idea how old you are, but it was done very well except for a couple of little word mistakes.
Some how though I am confused! First why a letter to tell you your sister died.
second, what era is this suppose to be, if this is present day- you have the wrong words. It sounds more like 18th century. but they did'nt have phones then ha ha
I just think that you need to speak in present day terminology. More to the point
cell phones You tube etc.
I speak from experience, I lost my daughter several years ago- I experienced anger, grief, pain, depression, and still I remember that night. But never would I have written a letter! I am from Ohio I have relatives there and I made sure everyone new asap what happened! you did not delve deep enough and your mother not a tear, no screaming, I did, no outward emotions that speak of intense sorrow.
The story should be re written with using the words of today not yesterday really feel the story, put your voice in your story you have a good start but listen to the "voice" you can make it sing,
Great scene setting, However, you should have gotten the flashlights as a half moon is not and will not light a path, a full moon would. Give fear to your characters, for example you have "she screamed" then you ended with a period try an exclamation point instead and put fear into your characters voices such as trembling, shaking, nervously looking around,
have you ever been in the forest or wood alone or with friends? There are strange noises everywhere and yet you have these three calmly walking.
They should be "fearfully looking around," They had a panicked look as a branch broke not more than 5 feet away!
Hey there, what happened to using exclamation points to make a statement
loved what you said, had a problem with "I'll remember your pain" my question is why! You remember your pain, your agony, not his.
Why would you have forgotten who you are, your always the same just different attitudes
Instead of "asking" use "tell" makes a better statement
Try making stanzas it would be easier to read and more explosive I think
You have things to say- don't hold back! Your a spunky new poet!
I found this interesting, but had a problem with the dialog. In your first sentence you do not have any of the surrounding sounds for example, I would have maybe phased it a little different like: The sound was deafening! The arid smell of rocket fuel hung in the air as the spotter, his voice trembling with fear said, "200 yards and closing sir!
No matter how much training one has there is always, always fear, you just need to know how to handle it. I thought it was good but again the "voice" you should intro your main character and give him/her a distinct attitude and charisma.
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