"In this essay I will attempt to answer five significant questions...trying to adapt to our own culture here in the United States."
I'll begin this critique by thanking you for stating your objective clearly.
I first heard about the Nuer of the Sudan in the 1960s. They weren't yet migrating to Minnesota, as far as I know. Since then they've been the victims of war for a long time. To my shame, I knew nothing else about them until reading this essay and would like to thank you.
Paragraph 3 would be helped by making matching comparisons with the cultural habits of the Nuer in Sudan.
Paragraph 4 shows the chasm between traditional Nuer culture and that required to live in Minnesota. The entire essay may profit from more of these differences.
Paragraph 5 discusses how the community came together to support the Nuer. This impulse should not be underestimated. I saw the same response in Olympia, WA in the 1980s when the community came together to help the IndoChinese refugees.
While interesting, the discussion about Kelly, who traveled to Sudan, seemed superfluous to the thread of the essay.
The final paragraph doesn't quite pull together the thrust of this essay. There are several ideas strung together, each of which might be better served by its own paragraph and, in some instances, exclusion.
It is appalling that at programs commemorating Black History Month, we repeatedly hear of a few great black inventors, singers and the likes but black political geniuses who founded and declared political independence of a sovereign black state as early as the mid 19th century are never mentioned for once.
This doesn't align with the history I'm familiar with. Initially, I believe the Quakers played a significant role in establishing the Liberian government, incorporating institutional principles borrowed from the US, its Constitution, a Congress, a Senate, and a Supreme Court. The system looked good on paper but it was an unnatural overlay, it had no real roots in Liberian culture, Amerigo or otherwise; and, I don't think it ever quite worked.
At some point in the mid-19th century, the Amerigos, the non-indigenous residents, were allowed to take the reigns of the government away from the Quakers but the political structure was already in place. I don't know what happened to that system, which was better than nothing, after Samuel Doe had his coup d'etat.
I think it is remarkable that Liberia continues to limp along despite an outrageously tumultuous history. Some of its leaders have been monsters while others have been political geniuses with kind hearts. Its history is worth exploring, a history that the world should know about. To romanticize that history is to deprive Liberians of the credit they're due for just surviving.
This piece is well constructed. You carry the reader through your successive life stages, showing what you experienced and didn't, exposing who you were. Finally, in the office of a mortgage broker, you achieve enlightenment. You learn that human beings can be disregarded as a class.
I've thought about discrimination a lot during my life but never from the point of view of being casually 'disregarded'. However, I must have understood this intuitively. As a woman, I've had my swords drawn from the beginning, daring all comers to disregard me at their peril and, they pretty much have. Unfortunately, not everyone is this lucky.
You wrote this piece almost six years ago. A lot has changed since then. I hope you've gotten yourself 'out of the closet', 'out of the refrigerator, and off the bookshelf. Being in, on, or behind one of these things is so old hat.
I thought your best line in this piece was:
...what other possible furniture-related metaphors for not being open about your sexuality could have been invented...
The references to ýour 'own clothes' and to be warm...' in the closing line tied the writing together very nicely.
I can finally be myself and wear my own clothes, have my own voice heard, be warm and happy...
All this said, what would I recommend? Rewrite this piece in light of your current situation and if you're still in the closet, re-invent yourself in another city. It takes courage but the adventure could be magnificent.
Your essay is articulate, grammatically correct, and profound, with one caveat. The analogy of the lousy dentist who kills lions for fun is confusing in this context. If it were me, I'd excise the dentist and publish this essay anywhere I could -think OpEd pages. The message is important.
Will those who haven't yet gotten the message get it? I have my doubts. How many hardcore smokers think they're the ones who will escape emphysema or throat cancer? I don't know how this illusion of infallibility can be dismantled but, it needs to be.
I'm in my 80s and not within the LBGQT+ community. Though I've been into inclusivity my entire life, it enhanced my emotional understanding to be taken along on your journey. Perhaps this is a good reason to continue writing about your own experiences and, when possible, those of others. That emotional understanding can make people identify, making the objectification of the 'other' more difficult.
This said, it would have helped me if you had defined 'non-binary' at the beginning of your essay.
You summarized David Cole's essay, “Five Myths about Immigration” in June of 2020. While reflecting on the history of anti-immigration sentiments, it is also prescient. This negative sentiment has permeated human societies forever and yet we've failed to find a way to combat it. To make things worse, our current generation of Know-Nothings appears unreachable.
I would like to know what your thoughts are on this topic.
You wrote in your essay: My Take on The Possibility of the U S becoming a Theocracy #2315447
"... I have yet to hear, see, or read one analyst talk about the dangers that the Religious far right pose to the United States;..."
Now that I think about it, I don't hear the subject discussed either, at least not explicitly. However, the idea of a theocracy is implicit in the philosophy of the far right as expressed in Project 2025 -think prayer in school.
As to what a theocracy would look like, think of Iran and Afghanistan, two countries that maintain rigid controls over the lives of women, not unlike the antebellum South which engaged in a bloody war to maintain its control over its African slaves. I believe that a theocratic state is a slave state and that theocracy and slavery are inseparable. If this seems illogical to you, please tell me.
P.S. I'll post the above comment as an essay in my portfolio. Hopefully, others will join the discussion.
I agree. Revamping is essential and should be done methodically. Not only does this make for a better written product for others to read but it helps to clarify thinking.
I want to add something to your list of suggestions: wait at least a couple of days, months, or years before revisiting a piece. Including time in the process makes it easier to see how a piece should be corrected and when to discard it. I use the same system when I create artwork. I never work on just one piece at a time. When I've too recently worked on a drawing, I can't see it anymore. To deal with this problem, I work on several pieces at one time in a round-robin fashion. The needed corrections become obvious.
This piece is surprisingly well-written and coherent. The sentences are strung together meaningfully, making each paragraph's point.
I found only one jolting aspect to the writing in the fourth paragraph when you wrote, "But many genealogists are not writers." Why are you writing about genealogists here? As I read the first three paragraphs, I never gave genealogists a thought. Perhaps an explanation should have come in the first paragraph. Or, eliminate this paragraph and expand on some of your tantalizing thoughts in the final paragraph?
"...birds and buzzards..." The alliteration works very nicely here but, how does the reader cope with the fact that buzzards are birds?
"...to a perch perhaps twenty feet from the ground." The choice of the word 'perch' is good here but I suggest you excise the 'perhaps'.
The fourth, fifth, and sixth paragraphs are the strongest.
In the fourth and fifth paragraphs, my body mirrored your descriptions. You put me on the roof. I could feel the breeze. My breath was short and my heart pounded. However, the latter condition implies fear which belies the line "I was never more self-confident." Also, the 'self' in 'self-confident' seems redundant here.
I'm unsure if the thought-provoking final paragraph shouldn't have been the first paragraph, slightly altered, followed by the first three paragraphs; and then, a description of events reflecting how fear and caution influenced your adult life.
All this being said, I wasn't bored by this writing.
The clarity and tastiness of the first two lines grabbed my attention, particularly the reference to the Nautilus shell, but you lost me at '...The Bible did not start until after the proverbial hit the fan.', which I didn't understand. Everything that came after this line seemed unconnected to everything that came before. The latter portion could be treated as a separate piece of writing.
The failure to comprehend the connection between the beginning and the end could be my fault. But, if it is not, this piece might warrant a rewrite, even as two separate pieces.
I'm 81. It would be nice to know What else you do besides worrying about being old or how others see you. I haven't looked at your portfolio yet. I'm hoping it's stuffed with juicy material for me to enjoy; that writing is one of the activities that occupies your time. All that said, if you haven't done it yet, get that other cataract surgery. You're burning daylight!
Possibly in a more constructive vein, your grammar needs some work. That's a lot more easily solved now than it was even five years ago. I suggest you pay attention to any corrections recommended while you are writing on the writers.com website. After that, you might try the free version of Grammarly. It's very good. I'm sure the paid version is better. I can't yet justify the expense for myself, as much as I want the application.
All this said, keep writing like your life depended on it.
The writing is clear and concise. I don't see a need for either compositional or grammatical corrections.
This is a topic I've thought about for years. As a painter and sculptor for more than 60 years, I've learned that the only thing I need to worry about is the craft i.e., how to make the next piece a little better than the previous one. When I post a painting on Facebook, I know its aesthetic worth beforehand -sometimes good and sometimes not that good. I don't measure a work's value by the number of 'likes ' it can garner. If I catered to an audience, the artwork would never improve. Why? Artists who function this way resort to tricks. Tricks get stale very fast.
I've tried to impart to other artists the necessity to think about 'craft' instead of applause i.e., to stop with the tricks. It's an impossible battle. I can teach them how to use a brush but I can't teach them self-esteem.
A writer who understands the semi-colon! This is well written. I Agree on all points.
On the horrifying side, the orange turnip uses 'DEI' as a dirty accusation against his opponent. The battle is fought in increments, 3 steps forward, 2 steps back.
Please continue to submit entries here. I'm now a fan of yours.
This is the second piece I've read by you and, I read the two back to back! I don't know how others might evaluate your writing but it's definitely to my taste. Your characters are authentic and by this, you broaden the reader's experience. What a gift! Thank you!
This is some great storytelling. As I was reading, I kept thinking of Faulkner. The writing has his flavor but with more humor. The final line and the lead-up to it were perfect. I hope there are other Ol' Vernons in your past that you can write about. Well done!
I'm 81. I also forget things, particularly the names of people and things. Whether dementia is on the horizon, I don't know. If it is, there's not much to do about it. My formula, when I forget things: don't worry about it. I just let the question cook in my foggy brain. Eventually, the answer comes, but sometimes it doesn't. What I don't allow myself to do is expend energy worrying about it. That worry results in stress and stress could exacerbate the condition. Acceptance helps.
Your essay allows me to better empathize with others who may (or may not be) in the same boat.
Meanwhile, do crossword puzzles, just in case that helps.
This piece is spot on. I often remind artists and others, that it's not about the finished product but the process. I tell the same people that nothing sends me back to the studio quicker than a check. I don't see these two admonitions as contradictory.
The piece is well written. The only element that took me aback was, "...she ran, like a deer,...". Where did that deer come from, anyway? The rhythm of the imagery doesn't match that of the rest of the story. Were it me, I'd eliminate the deer or foreshadow it.
This piece made me weep, not just for my father but for all good and loving fathers.
There's nothing to correct here. In another piece (Winners? Winning?) you used the relative pronoun 'which' to refer to a person when it should have been 'who'. If that turns out to be your worst grammatical error, you are a miracle!
Jennie New Moon is a worthy topic. There's good material here.
The prose portion needs editing, consider re-ordering paragraphs and sentences -every few months until it tells you it's read. The poem needs some review but is close to anthology time.
Your writing is well organized and clear. I appreciate the candidness with which you discuss your personal journey. It is that clarity and candidness which make what you say believable, authentic. You have enhanced my understanding of addiction. Thank you.
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