I would like to suggest a split in the second and perhaps sixth verses. They tend to run a little, although the split would be relatively simple, and a little easier on your reader.
Read aloud this has amazing quality of rhythym. Upon the silent readthrough I wasn't as aware of this at first, but aloud it is splendid in that facet. Very well-written.
I really like the use of language here. You really didn't need to worry about rhyme-scheme, your rhythym and language were so skillfully used.
Your topic is provocative, and well-represented. I was truly impressed with the overall poem. Thank you for sharing this, and I look forward to reading more of your work in the future.
I loved this! Every ounce of it screams the message!
Please keep writing..it left me wanting more!
Usually, I am somewhat reserved about "handing out"
5's, but in this instance, well, you couldn't change
this and do anything but hurt it. Bravo! And thank
you for sharing this wonderful work.
I suddenly realized that in less than 14yrs I'm going
to have to watch my little girl walk out my door. The
message in this is truly FELT by the reader. I was
touched.
I'm a little unsure, so I won't try to correct it,
but I think that some of your dialogue within the
poem may have a few punctuation problems, but nothing
that a little revision won't clear right up.
Thank you for sharing this, so many people don't think
about how little time we actually get with our
children. We get so busy with our lives that we forget
to cherish each moment.
Sometimes we need to hear things like this so that we
remember to take the time to appreciate them while they are still safe in our arms.
The first thing I would like to say, is that this
is very moving.
Also, the date struck with me quite a bit. My
daughter's birthday is June 21st.
(That being said, I'll go on with the review...)
Like I said, this was VERY moving. It held and
captivated me. This is a very nice read for the
audience. There is such a wide range of emotional
expression.
Looking into the mind of someone when a friend dies,
it's almost as though you are invading someone's
private thoughts.
I did notice some spelling and punctuation errors,
and a few run-on sentences, but nothing that a quick
revision can't cure.
This was excellent writing. Thank you for sharing it.
You have a nice rhyme-scheme, but the language is a little plain.
I can gather from the poem that the character in the poem has fallen in love, been used, and now the user has found someone else. The clarity of the concept is there.
I do have some suggestions though.
The language you have used throughout the poem is common, and while there is nothing wrong with that,
I sense that you may have been trying to portray a more passionate emotion, and the language doesn't quite do it justice (in my opinion of course).
The title is quite intriguing, and this is where I think you may be able to find inspiration for the language of the piece.
High Quality Confusion
Perhaps you could compare the experience (while linking them) with the experience of buying a high quality item, and being ripped off.
I'd like to come up with an example, but I'm having a bit of a "low-creativity day".
One other thing, I got a little lost as to the meaning of this line:
You need your reasons as to why you're feeling so abused,
I know they're coming I'm just feeling so confused.
I was a little lost on that line.
I hope I was able to help, and please keep writing, I look forward to reading more of your work.
The poem had such a deep meaning, your intro was right.
The concept of living just to die is an intriguing topic. Many times have I written on the very subject,
I guess the question plagues us all.
You wrote: Blinded by our intuition,
to the things we cannot see.
From this point on however, I can still sense your idea, but it seems as though the strength of your "verse" slows up a bit and gets a little muddled.
So, while you sit, indulging in your goods
(I like this line, it seems to pick back up again)
I think this has a lot of potential, and with a reread, and some minor "tweaking" you could add that strength and weight in it that I think you were aiming for.
Hoping I was helpful, and looking forward to reading more of your work in the future,
LadyScorpion
The theme you have chosen here is well-represented. You talk about the struggles of the families left behind, and remind us all to remember those fighting for us.
As for the poem itself, I have a few small suggestions.
Entangled in weeks old clothes,
I understand the picture you are trying to paint here, but it comes off the tongue kind of hard.
The last verse just didn't seem to flow very well, and with the strong statement you are making with it, you might want to consider how you could alter that to represent that serious sentiment.
For if "United we stand
And divided we fall,"
Then remember,
This is war and the price of freedom.
What about...
If "United we stand,
And divided we fall,"
Remember this war,
And our price for freedom.
Mine is probably not much better, but I think you see what I mean.
Thank you for sharing this, and I look forward to reading more of your work in the future.
This was very good. The meaning just jumps out at you. I can literally envision someone sitting at the side of the road, in turmoil. Thank you for sharing this, and I look forward to reading more of your work in the future. Smiling,'
LadyScorpion
P.S. The last few lines were monumental, please keep writing, you have a very talented pen.
I absolutely loved this poem! Thank you for sharing this! The first verse was absolutely wonderful read aloud it was a dream, and then I was very surprised to see that it continued the entire work through, this great language, and I love the way the meaning just spills off the page. Thank you again, and I look very much forward to reading more of your work!
Glowing,
LadyScorpion
Thank you this was very imformative, and gave me a good deal of useful information in a clear and concise manner. Thank you for taking the time to write this. LadyScorpion
This very informative, and I liked the idea behind the system. That is why I am giving you a 4.5, because it is nearly perfect. Everything was very conscise, and I did not notice any spelling, grammar, or punctuation errors. I came away from reading this,
thinking of recommending it to someone I know.
Quite Literally,
Thank you for
Sharing This,
LadyScorpion
Excellent! This was a beautiful read! It has wonderful rythym and meter, the content is great, the descriptiveness is just lovely! Thank you for sharing this marvelous work. I have been going through your portfolio, and as I have been telling you repeatedly in my reviews...DON'T STOP WRITING! The more I read, the more impressed I have gotten. Thank you for sharing all of these great poems, and I look forward to reading more of your work in the future!
Smiling Greatly,
LadyScorpion
When love never went astray
(I might suggest here...)
When love never strayed
The line is a little stumbling on the tongue with the other lines preceding being so fluid.
Ones that fall with the pouring rain
(Also...)
Falling in the pouring rain
or
Ones pouring with the rain
or
Falling with the rain
The same language, only a little less "cluttered" on the line in the verse. Sometimes it's easy to lose the momentum in a verse, and the last line can end a little weak.
Overall, very nice, I think perhaps you could add a verse or two to this in the event of a rewrite. This is obviously implying towards lost love. What happened? How did they breath their last breath? You have me intrigued. Good read, Thank you for sharing this, and I hope you keep on writing!
Sincerely,
LadyScorpion
I like the way you put this into the form of a letter. It's almost like a "Dear John," letter, only the other way, and lots of mysterious twists and turns. One could almost surmise that this poem has supernatural implications. The shared dream, little hints at reincarnation, but most undoubtfully, lost love. Very well-written. Thank you very much for sharing this, and I look forward to reading more of your work. Sincerely,
LadyScorpion
Must I ammend?
(I think you meant...)
Must I amend?
Oh, and does the sarcasm EVER drip from this poem! Very nice. I would also like to mention, this is just down right FUN to read aloud. The rhyme scheme is quite ingenious, I love the way it flow together. Thank you for sharing this, and I hope to read more of your work in the future.
Sincerely,
LadyScorpion
This was very cute. I liked the way you did this from a child's perspective, because when we're lonely, we're all taken back to that childish place. I think sometimes we just need to be reminded we're not "above it."
I seem to be a
Non-existent with
An aura worth of dirt.
I liked this line a lot. It says a lot with so few words. Thank you for sharing this poem, I look forward to reading more of your work.
Sincerely,
LadyScorpion
that you would just up and die
you'd just up and die
This line kind of lost the flow, try this maybe.
when I seem to care to much
when I seem to care too much
Just a little spelling error, to, too, two,
everyone does it once in awhile. (I know, I constantly have to catch myself on it in my editing.)
The only other suggestion I have is in regards to dialogue. In most of the verses when someone speaks you have them in quotation marks, but, in verses one and six you did not. Is there a special signifigance to this? If not, you may want to do some minor revision.
Overall, the message was clear, a peek into a mother's past, on her quest to perserve the happiness of her daughter's future. Very touching, and very real, thank you for sharing this. I look forward to reading more of your work.
Sincerely,
LadyScorpion
I can almost watch this "Ice Queen" fall apart. Brilliantly written. You have a very descriptive pen.
I look forward to reading more of your work. Thank you for sharing it.
Sincerely,
LadyScorpion
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