Thank you for your wonderful entry this month to "Rising Stars Shining Brighter" . On behalf of the Circle of Sisters, I'm reviewing your entry
Impressions and Responses:
An excellent essay on the nature of U.S. foreign policy. You express your opinions clearly, backing up your statements with facts and quotes. Nicely done!
Good luck in the contest.
Well done. Write on!
Oz.
Thank you for entering the contest - I am judging your entry for this round
Impressions and Responses:
Your dragon is very interesting, especially the fact that it uses platinum and hydrogen to produce flame. Nice idea!
Technical Suggestions:
These are just my thoughts on a few things I picked up while reading. You can take them or leave them, as you see fit
** Paragraph excerpt:
"It was a beautiful winter morning. The snow had just fallen over night blanketing the entire bamboo forest with dazzling display of sparkling white. Both of their footprints were clearly shown in the snow which left Lee worried over the prospect of his parents finding out of his whereabouts. He knew that they weren’t supposed to be in this forest. It was strictly forbidden."
Suggestion:
Last night's snowfall blanketed the bamboo forest in sparkling white. Their footprints showed clear behind them, and Lee worried that his parents might guess his whereabouts. He shouldn't be following Ling into the forbidden forest.
The difference in the above two paragraphs is that the first one uses passive voice with words like "was" and "had". The second puts the reader directly into the story, as though they are seeing through the eyes of the character.
** “Ling, are you sure you saw it?” Lee asked looking for confirmation. The qualification "Lee asked" etc. is redundant. The quotation is directed at Ling, so it's obvious Lee is asking the question, and the fact that it's already a question means "Lee asked" isn't necessary Also, the nature of the question "are you sure you saw it?" makes "looking for confirmation" repetitive.
** Words like "cool" and "wait up" are contemporary Americanisms, and as your characters are Chinese it strains your story's credibility a little.
** You did not show the word count of your story, as required by the contest rules.
I hope this review has been helpful. Good luck in the contest.
Write on!
Oz.
"Those who don't have time to read, don't have the time or tools to write." - Stephen King
** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **
Invalid Item This item number is not valid. #1246844 by Not Available.
An interesting concept, combining fantasy, science fiction, religion and humour to create an entertaining tale. The end was a bit of a surprise, at least for me
Character & Plot Development:
While I enjoyed the ideas presented, I did find that it read a bit like a journal rather than a story. Lots of tell and very little show. Nevertheless, I like the concept of energy conversion and nano-bots, and the explanation for ghosts. You could easily develop this into a full length novel, with Puff trying to recruit several different people and failing, or succeeding
I hope this review has been helpful.
Well done. Write on!
Oz.
"Those who don't have time to read, don't have the time or tools to write." - Stephen King
** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **
Invalid Item This item number is not valid. #1271388 by Not Available.
Thank you for your wonderful entry this month to "Rising Stars Shining Brighter" . On behalf of the Circle of Sisters, I'm reviewing your entry
I enjoyed this well-written tale very much. You've packed a neat punch into a tightly woven story, your characters are well-defined and believable. Well done!
Thank you for your wonderful entry this month to "Rising Stars Shining Brighter" . On behalf of the Circle of Sisters, I'm reviewing your entry
Impressions and Responses:
Short story about a magical moment in a coffee shop that changes a young woman's life. Very well written, captivating story. I liked Jayna immediately. It reads like the opening of a larger work (I know the word count limits it for this contest) and would love to see it developed into a full novel with further appearances by that gorgeous man I enjoyed your ability to generate atmosphere with an economy of words. Well done!
Technical Suggestions:
None noted - bravo!
Good luck in the contest.
Well done. Write on!
Oz.
Thank you for your wonderful entry this month to "Rising Stars Shining Brighter" . On behalf of the Circle of Sisters, I'm reviewing your entry
Impressions and Responses:
A poem dedicated to the author's son, who sounds like a truly wonderful young man. Thank you for sharing him, and your love for him, with us here. Nicely written poem.
Technical Suggestions:
* fears in despite it all
Good luck in the contest.
Well done. Write on!
Oz.
Brilliant! This was short but magical story with vivid imagery despite its principal character being blind. No mention of anything visual, yet I could see it all very clearly, as well as hear and taste and smell. Completely sympathetic characters in both the viewpoint character and the mother, I could feel for both of them. Beautifully written, bravo!
Technical Suggestions:
None noted.
Well done. Write on!
Oz.
"Those who don't have time to read, don't have the time or tools to write." - Stephen King
Thank you for your wonderful entry this month to "Rising Stars Shining Brighter" . On behalf of the Circle of Sisters, I'm reviewing your entry
Impressions and Responses:
Nicely written poem - I enjoyed the photo at the end, too. I especially liked the imagery in "Rest comes for the weary, dreaming amid the stars." Well done!
Technical Suggestions:
None noted - bravo!
Good luck in the contest.
Well done. Write on!
Oz.
Thank you for your wonderful entry this month to "Rising Stars Shining Brighter" . On behalf of the Circle of Sisters, I'm reviewing your entry
Impressions and Responses:
What a great tribute! As someone who has run one of the Rising Stars workshops I fully understand the trepidation beforehand, and the feeling of accomplishment when it's over. You've captured the emotions of it beautifully, the sense of reward just in seeing your students accomplish something new. Bravo!
Technical Suggestions:
Only noted one thing - "these gifted writer's words" [The apostrophe should come at the end: writers' words]
Best of luck on the contest!
Well done. Write on!
Oz.
This would be very cool if it were written up in fictional story form, rather than like a journal or blog entry. Especially if the main character ends up having some kind of confrontation with whoever did pull down the blind and turn out the light. Nicely done, and well worth developing further!
Technical Suggestions:
These are just my thoughts on a few things I picked up while reading. You can take them or leave them, as you see fit.
Each piece of dialogue ends with an exclamation point -- I feel they're a little overdone. The more you use them, the less impact they have
Also, the dialogue tags (I said, she insisted, etc.) are redundant because it's obvious who's saying what after "Hey Mom".
I hope this review has been helpful.
Well done. Write on!
Oz.
"Those who don't have time to read, don't have the time or tools to write." - Stephen King
** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **
Invalid Item This item number is not valid. #1271388 by Not Available.
Thank you for your entry to "Invalid Item" . This is a cute tale of an older woman with a beloved cat, Fluffy, who keeps wandering away from home. One thing I did notice is that Fluffy's sex changes from male to female then back to male again throughout the story Good luck in the contest!
Thank you for sharing Diesel and his siblings through your entry to "Invalid Item" , it's been a pleasure to see the world through his eyes. I love the "common saying" at the end. Right up until the end I thought they were dogs! Nicely written - write on!
Thank you for sharing Ginger with your entry to "Invalid Item" . I know all too well what it's like to lose a pet in just this sad way. Good luck in the contest, and thanks for entering this nicely written story.
This is such a well-written and powerful poem. You have expressed yourself very clearly here, with great use of words and excellent visual impact. I can't think of anything that might help to improve it.
Well done, and write on!
Oz.
"Those who don't have time to read, don't have the time or tools to write." - Stephen King
** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **
Invalid Item This item number is not valid. #1232797 by Not Available.
A sweet little poem that's very nicely written, but I'd like more I felt that it left me hanging a bit at the end. It would be nice to see this with a few more stanzas that perhaps might offer some kind of resolution or closure? Just a thought, of course
Technical Suggestions:
None noted
I hope this review has been helpful.
Well done. Write on!
Oz.
"Those who don't have time to read, don't have the time or tools to write." - Stephen King
** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **
Invalid Item This item number is not valid. #1271388 by Not Available.
Well-written and beautifully expressed. I can visualize all of it very easily. It touched several of my senses, as I could smell the flower, hear the whisper, see the shimmer. The only (very tiny!) suggestion I can think of would be to change "ending note" to "final note". I'm not sure I can explain why, it just sounds better to me Just a thought, of course! Write on!
Whimsical and amusing, I enjoyed this poem. Also liked the addition of the "snow" emoticons decorating each line. The only improvement I can think of might be to add 2 lines to the end of it somehow, because it seems to me that it ends too abruptly. Although it's all written in one chunk with no breaks, the last two lines seem to interrupt the flow of it. It has great rhythm up to that point. Just a thought anyway
I enjoy reviewing contests because I think a lot of good ones go unnoticed, or at least unremarked-upon. Kiya's graphic at the top is a splendidly effective touch on this page. The rules are clearly spelled out, the prizes are generous, and I like the fact that you invite guest judges. The use of emoticons and colours is effective without being overdone. Great job! I hope you continue to get lots of great entries
This is wonderful! A moving story, beautifully written, with no spelling or grammatical errors. Your dialogue is excellent, character development is engrossing and the story is based on actual events. It left me wanting to know if Paul and Laura were real people too, and if so, what happened to Paul? I hope he didn't end up like Hercules! Brilliant. Keep on writing!
Thank you for sharing your wonderful family through this piece, it's left me feeling sad and elated at the same time. I especially love the photos at the end. Everyone lives with their own tragedies in life, but you and your family seem to have been blessed with uncommon strength and wisdom.
Your writing style is fluid, emotional without being melodramatic, and well constructed. I noticed no technical flaws in this piece, which of course adds greatly to the reading experience. Again, thank you for sharing these extraordinary people with us here.
Write on!
All the best,
Oz.
Printed from https://writing.com/main/profile/reviews/ladyoz
All Writing.Com images are copyrighted and may not be copied / modified in any way. All other brand names & trademarks are owned by their respective companies.
Generated in 0.16 seconds at 10:56am on Nov 23, 2024 via server WEBX2.
View Portfolio
Visit Notebook
Send Gift Points
Awards
Badges
Send Email
Community Newsfeed
General Discussion
Sponsored Items
Book of Trinkets
Static Items
Books
Groups
Interactive Stories
Audio
Campfire Creatives
Community Notes
Crossword Puzzles
Documents
Folders
Images
In & Outs
Madlibs
Photo Albums
Polls
Product Reviews
Quizzes
Survey Forms
Web Pages
Word Searches
I enjoyed your ability to generate atmosphere with an economy of words. Well done!
Oh my gosh! I figured the disappearing paper products would be Shelby's fault but didn't imagine the ending, lol! Nicely written tale.