Dark, foreboding and suspenseful. You have what it is like to suffer from depression down on paper. As I read this I got the feeling of my anxiety riding up, knowing that is what it is like a beast you keep at bay, which slumbers. Hoping it never to wakes it up. Great work!
Hi,
Just stopping in for a raid and had to read this poem after reading the describtion. LOL! Loved it. Great flow and pace. You paid homage to your old boots and they would be proud if they could have read this. Thanks for the smile.
I did enjoyed your poem very much. You got across what you where feeling with little words. I love simple things, they can convey so much more. Your poem is strong, meaningful and thoughtful. A perfect read for my break at the office.
Had to read this with the intro you gave for the poem. I hope you don't mind when I had a laugh at some parts. I feel that this was in a tongue in cheek style. There is nothing like a lusty little poem to help remember the fun things in life. I have to say though, up till the last you had a really great flow, but the last line lost it for me.
Again I had a great time reading the poem. I'm also thinking that a comma should go between go an dbut in your last line. I know sometimes I do that. Poetry can be freeing and that you don't have to follow the rules. :P
I have to ask before I go on. I was a little confused while reading this. Part way through i thought the Mother was jealous of the girl's attention she was gettting from the Father, then a part came where I thought the Father maybe paying a little too much attention (if you get my meaning) to her and this was the way the Mother got the attention away from the little girl, only to be transfered over to her younger sister.
Dont' get me wrong, great story! You kept with how a child would speak and how they would see things. It kept the story believable that this was from the eyes of a child. I want to say that it is the Mother who is jealous, but in the end the daughter is glad to see her hair gone becuase she will no longer be at the brunt of the bushings that where more like torture treatments.
There is nothing like a happy ending. I loved the tension held through the story and I'm so grateful you got through to the next round. Great description and use of words. Makes the story come alive and movie is playing in my head as I read your words. Very original for the place setting and the use of another language added in there gave it character. can't wait to read your contest entry!
You have expressed your self well. I hope you showed this to the person you wrote it for. I think that they would understand a lot more about what is going on. You have done a wonderful job of showing the struggle between the solder in you and the person who loves some one so much. What you were taught to do and helped kept your sanity in battle and then come back to civilian life and there is another set of rules.
If you don't mind me saying so, my heart goes out to you.
Much better now the paragraphes are in. Loved it and it was a great read. Your use of words painted a wonderful fearful ride of Mark's. I think now you'll get more reviews on this story.
I have to tell you that was the best laugh I got out of all the stories submitted to me. I’m thinking where is this going, when it hits me this is the Scarecrow from the Wizard of Oz. You had we hooked at that point.
The imagination juices must have been flowing because it was well put together and was very descriptive. You kept it that you had enough to tell it was form the movie but still some what different. I can’t get the picture of the Scarecrow standing in front of a group of people in a AA meeting this story.
The only thing I have to say is two mistakes.
“figured we were done for for sure, but ya know what?” You need a comma to separate the two for.
and
“It seems the allmighty mayor” you don’t need two ll in almighty.
Other then that it was great to get a chance to read this.
Justine
Hi and I do hope you are having a good day. I’m just rating and reviewing the entries to my contest so you’re next!
I was impressed with how you wrote this. I liked how you portrayed the dynamics of the siblings with each other and their relationship with the father. Your story had a good flow when reading it. There where no big bumps or sharp curves. It makes for me reading a story or even a poem hard to read. It seems all over the place and not well written. No worries about yours though. I did however wish I knew more about the story, it sounds like a good show to watch.
A couple of things though in mistakes I caught.
In the sentence “to mourn the the man who had so” You may want to delete one of the the.
“both looked sceptical.” I’m not sure if that is a way to spell it in the UK, but considering I’m Canadian we spell it with a k not a c. So, if you are spelling it that way and there is a difference because I have come across that sort of thing before just ignore what I just wrote. J
The last line you wrote was my favorite in all. It is nice to be able to stand up to a parent, but having their approval would make us fell much better.
Don’t be surprised if I go and raid your port.
Justine
Now this is where I start with my rating and reviewing. Yours is the first review. I enjoyed the mix of the two. One being from Beauty and the Beast and the other from the Phantom of the Opera. The song you picked and wove around the song was amazing. It was the right choice for the story of Beauty and The Beast.
I can’t say anything about your spelling or grammar. They were no mistakes that I found. I thought it imaginative to write using a song and a story to make a story. If that makes any sense to you? You can feel his anguish, his despair and loneliness. In some ways both the Phantom and the Beast are the same. I guess that is why it is such a good matching. I do hope you keep up the creativity in your work.
Hello and thank you for entering in my contest for the new members of Writing.Com. If you don’t mind I would like to do a little review of your poem that you entered.
As I have made the comment before to other members that submitted poems spelling never seems to be a problem. I’m still wondering why. Short stories seem to have a little problem.
You first verse touched me. I think most of us feel that way. I know I do sometimes. I can see, think, but inside just something is not there, missing.
In the second verse, I loved it. Your imagination is wonderful to see a being in that light. The being is a solar system waiting to be discovered and to be understood.
The fourth verse I enjoyed the most. We are expected to believe in things we can’t see, touch and it can be unnerving like you wrote. It is so true that statement that you wrote. As it is true in your last verse of the poem. We are so small to what is out there. There is no end to what we can learn and experience.
Again Thank you.
Justine
Hi and thanks you for entering my contest for the new members of Writing. COM. I have read your story and thought it along the line of Spawn. Is that were you got your idea or have you never heard of Spawn and it was all yours. Not that the Spawn character was an astral traveler, but he could go in between your plane and hell. It was the chains coming out of Anna that just put that into my mind.
You need a little work on a few things. When you double space all the time it is a little hard to read your story. I find that double spacing is good between paragraphs.
I’m going to pull a few quotes from your story here.
“She said as she reached for the purse her mother gave her. I'll see you tomorrow at class”
For this it would be better if you changed the at to in. Remember these things I’m going to write are suggestions and you can use it or not. In the end it is your work.
”Anna thought that for a second she saw a strange radiance in mark's face,
perhaps he was finally going to express his feelings for her.”
Here you should have capitalized the m in Mark.
”The sun finally went down in the city of ituzaingó, as they reached the train station.”
Again here the I in Ituzaingo needs to be capitalized.
“She thought about the stories she heard in high school, of the people that were murdered for mere dirty sneakers in this unearthly place.”
The sentence might sound better if you add in after dirty pair of. So it would read, “She thought about the stories she heard in high school, of the people that were murdered for mere dirty pair of sneakers in this unearthly place.”
“Three of them armed with a .38 caliber and the other with a sawed shotgun.”
I think the term is sawed off shotgun.
‘In a way,they reached a depth of uncharted potential, that she finally tapped.”
Just a small thing really, you need a space between way, they.
You have a good story potentially, but you have a few errors. Nothing major.
Just keep at it. Writing only gets better the more we do it.
Justine
Hi, and thank you for your enter in my little contest for new members to this community. Yes, I’m the host and judge and I’m trying to review all work entered. Crazy you say? Yes, now I see how many people entered, but it is the least I can do for all that have taken the time to enter.
What can I say? Beautiful for starters. The sorrow, the passion, all the emotion you convey in your poem are elegant and compelling. You feel compassion for her in her pain, her loose and the fight she tries desperately to win. Your anguish, to not be able to help her but watch her disappear before you.
“Numb to my touch,
Cold to my warmth.”
This is my favorite line. I see you having a hold of her arm trying to stop her. She keeps walking away unaware of you and all you can feel is the cold coming off of her skin where your hands are warm. (Shivers)
One thing though,
“Her heart no longer produced a steady rythm,”
Did you mean rythm or rhythm?
This is what the review has to go to. My brain is out on a break and I hope it will come back soon. I really need it.
I would like to take the time to thank you for entering my contest for new members to writing. COM. I would also like to take this time to do a little review of your work.
It had power when I read it. To me there was a mix of emotion.
“a hidden flower
Beautiful but noxious”
Here is the mix I try to talk about. You have a flower, by all means are something gentle, soft, fragile, but at the same time deadly, dangerous.
“Unfurling across the bed
I see you cast to the wind
Your chemical pestilence
and wither my friends
among the dutiful league”
I loved this part. I can see a sea of flowers full in bloom. Then a gust of wind picks up and this cloud of noxious gas whirls up, any one caught up in it is soon over taken by it.
I have to say, I enjoyed your poem. It seems I should read more because what I’ve gotten so far have not been disappointing.
I would like to take the time to thank you for entering my contest for new members to writing. COM. I would also like to take this time to do a little review of your work.
It had power when I read it. To me there was a mix of emotion.
“a hidden flower
Beautiful but noxious”
Here is the mix I try to talk about. You have a flower, by all means are something gentle, soft, fragile, but at the same time deadly, dangerous.
“Unfurling across the bed
I see you cast to the wind
Your chemical pestilence
and wither my friends
among the dutiful league”
I loved this part. I can see a sea of flowers full in bloom. Then a gust of wind picks up and this cloud of noxious gas whirls up, any one caught up in it is soon over taken by it.
I have to say, I enjoyed your poem. It seems I should read more because what I’ve gotten so far, I have not been disappointed.
My thanks to you for entering my contest for the new members of Writing.Com.
I’m taking this time to write reviews to people that entered my contest. Yes, It can be done. Really…
As I read this piece of yours, I started to think myself of what you were writing about. I’m here at my computer writing this and seeing you sit there in your room just contemplating. Trying to grab hold of your memories, but having a hard time. Fighting almost with your self. As if you are in a depression and are frustrated finding the times when you were happy.
Your line:
“Pictures like raindrops--
Hard to count, hard to hold.”
It was perfect to me in description. A person in the rain grasping at the rain drops, but they slip through their hands. There are so many it is impossible to count.
An insightful look into the mind of someone who wants to end his or her existence. What they think can be unpredictable considering what they are just about to do. When he was worried about whether a girl from the mill was working on cash, seems small to a decision to end his life.
Also he is just trying to kick back and take in the moment thinking because he decided to end his life it should give him some comfort, but it doesn’t. Nothing had changed for that matter. Even in the final part in the car and he starts to cough and choke, he is amazed that it is not as simple as he thinks he believes it is. His disappointment then he can’t even go through the one thing that he thinks will give him peace.
Thank you for taking the time to enter.
Well thought out. Please keep writing
Justine
Either you have an angel that is only two or this is about your daughter. Actually wait little angles are daughters. J Well, that is what my Dad called me up until I hit my teens. ;) Well than that is another story all together.
No, really I was touched by your story and it brought memories of my father and I when I was a little girl. To this day Disney can do no wrong by me. My Dad would always take me to see the new Disney flick. It was “Father Daughter Day”. I’m now an adult and wishing we could go out to have a day like that again. Maybe we just might.
Back to your entry for my contest. Spelling and grammar two thumbs up from me. It may be a short piece but that doesn’t mean it has less worth then any long piece. You bring up a good point and summon it up nicely. It is one of those things that make you go hmmm. I loved how you described her. It was beautiful.
And your right, not all heroes need to leap tall buildings in a single bound.
First off, thank you for entering your poem and giving me the chance to read it.
Amazing! I find it hard to give my thoughts words. Wow! Sorry still trying to put it together.
The way you wrote it is powerful, no wasting words, because there is no need to. It isn’t pretty, or easy. It is cold, sterile, unmoving, intimidating, frightening.
“Adult status, once desired
Handcuffs, shackles now required”
So true, we want to be adults but we never imagine that way.
”Hear the verdict, “five to ten”
In as children, out as men”
One sentence can and does changes a person for life. Now all hope of being a kid is gone.
Trust me when I say, if there is more in your port, I’m going to be reading it!
Please don’t take this wrong but for a 15 year old your writing is amazing. Your expression is powerful, and moving. I was reading and I could feel what you wrote.
When I read this poem of yours I was remembering what my Dad and I use to do. It brought back fond memories of when I was young with my Father. Our fun was us playing cars or he would take me out to Disney movies. We would actually dress up for that because it was Father Daughter Day.
The anguish of losing your Father would be heart breaking and to read it, I just didn’t want to feel it. It was hard to read what you wrote in the last verse. I would never want to lose my Dad. I’m not sure if this is going to come out right but I’m going to try it any way. He is the first man I ever loved. He is my Dad.
Beautiful!
That is why you were my first place winner in the contest
Justine
Hi! This is your friendly neighborhood judge giving you a review on you story that you had sent into my contest.
Great imagination for your story. A message sent on the bones of a man and by an accident does he discover the first hint of it. The Nurse’s nickname was a nice touch. “Beelzebub” What one man will do to find the answer, even if it means pain, torture and death. The idea that your main character is just laying on this table with his bones beside him is disturbing. Yes, I watch WAY too much CSI. The closing sentences to your story I liked very much. A little ditty to send him on his way and a count down for us. Nice cliffhanger for your reader. Sometimes a story doesn’t need a nice clean, clear, all the loose ends tied together.
Spelling was a little problem, but like I said, it doesn’t really count with me. Still, if I’m going to do a review I should do it right. J
7th paragraph you had spelt agonizing, agonizing. 10th paragraph, cauterization should be cauterization. 14th you have sterilized. Spelling is sterilized. Also for that paragraph you have “The human body contain two hundred…” Need to pluralize contain to contains. Last spelling error is anaesthetic. Anesthetic. You put an extra a in the word throughout the story. Easy mistakes to fix if you want.
Again, big thanks for taking the time to enter.
Justine
A fantastic tale of love. Simply put, you wove a story that you had to read. I’m a sucker for a happy ending. I like the fact it took place in the house. Not on a mountain or some extraordinary place, but at home while she was getting on with her day. Isn’t that were the best things in our life happen, when we least expect it and a place of comfort.
I was a little confused on one part, did she expect it or did she have an idea. I know that it is hard to put it in. Considering where they met is not explained in detail. Hey! You might have another story there. I would love to read that if you write it or have you rewritten all ready?
Still a lovely read and a feel good read to boot!
Justine
I loved the fact the hero was a little girl. This was a new twist to the monster in the closet. I know when I was a little girl I was afraid of the monster under my bed.
Your description is wonderful and your use of words paints a clear and vivid picture.
This line really stood out for me. “She notices that pattern of her eyes which slowly close and abruptly pop open like kernels above high heat.” I can see your heroin fighting off sleep and her eyes wanting so desperately to close. Then her eyes just popping open.
I could feel the little girls anger, and fury directed at the monster at is trying to take her father away. The one thing that kept her going was that. A little girl’s determination to stop this from happening again.
I was wondering about the end though. Why would she want to tell the story of Yobego? If the other believed then they would also get a visit. Does she want to face it again or has she come away from this a little twisted?
Nicely written, goose bumps reading it. You have a great imagination and it came out in your story. Clowns to me are not all that appealing Never found them funny to look at with all that paint on.
Loved this one line, “Darkness was only the absence of light, nothing more.” I thought I heard this are something like it before, and loved it because it is so true. The grand question, why do we fear darkness so much?
Keep it up and hope to read more of your work.
Justine
PS, On your 6th paragraph you have a break in the sentence. Youmay have hit the enter key by mistake.
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