Nice touch, having the youngest sister look like Rebecca -- especially with her being gifted, too. Great job of characterizing the two sisters and the parents, by the way. It was very well done and without a lot of unnecessary words. You have a gift for characterization!
Very intriguing! I'm assuming at this point that Melissa is going to come back from Georgia and try to get rid of the thing in the basement?
This is very well written, and I can't think of any constructive suggestions to make, but I do have a question -- do you have plans to submit this for publication? I have to tell you, I'd buy it in a heartbeat!
Excellent opening! It does a fabulous job of drawing the reader in, and of setting up the story. My only comment is that in paragraph 12, shown should be shone.
Awesome job! I will be returning to read the rest of this story as time permits.
This was a very touching read -- it gives a lot of insight into you as a person, and lets us in on close-held beliefs with which I found myself empathizing as I read.
As far as writing style, grammar, etc., there is nothing I would change. I was moved as I read this, and to me, that is the result of a skill in writing that I can only hope to emulate one day.
This was an amazing read! Aside from a few minor tense shifts and a type-o or two, there really isn't much I'd improve. Unless, of course, you count the fact that I'd like to see this on TV ASAP as an improvement. The dialogue is good, the responses of the beaurocratic droids are realistic, and the premise is intriguing. I'll be back to read more in the near future.
Good opening -- I like the fact that you open on a confrontation scene.
Right off the bat though, I do have one suggestion. When you format your story, leave a space between paragraphs -- it makes it easier to read, and might land you more reviews because of that.
I have to admit I was a little disappointed that the confrontation was unconsummated. But it's a prologue, and I'm guessing the 'one that got away' is the object of the blood feud.
So, on to the content. You do a great job with the dialogue and also with keeping the character responses in line with Van Helsing's character and that of the stereotypical vampire. The one thing in the content arena that I'd suggest improving is the setting description -- the little that is there is pretty bare bones, and I found myself feeling like the chapter almost took place in a void. As for spelling/grammar errors, I didn't find any.
Overall, good start. I hope to read more of your story as time permits. Keep writing!
Sounds like you're off to a really good start here. You've introduced several characters, and given us the start of the plot line in a short, well written chapter.
I only noticed one small type-o in the whole chapter:
She wanted to ship him to jail and forget his all to sexy person.
The second to should be too.
As far as the content of the chapter goes, you've got a good start, but I think you could do a little more with it. The interrogation room is the perfect place to draw out the situation and give us not only a good look at the personalities of your main characters, (of whom I'm assuming we've met at least two, if not three), but also to give us the details of the case so far. The last is an especially believable option given the fact that you have two cops behind the two-way mirror who don't know that the vamp on the other side can overhear them. Just a suggestion, though. Not having read your chapter two, I don't know if these things are addressed in a different fashion later in the story.
This is an excellent installment! It was very enjoyable to read. The dialogue was excellent, and the setting described in more detail than is present in the rest of the book at this point. Great job! I must confess, I find myself liking Arrana best. All the characters a great and lively and well developed, but I hold a special place in my heart for dragons, and this one promises to be interesting!
There were some spelling/grammar/type-o's in the piece, so let me point out the ones I saw. Hope that will help when the time comes to do your next edit! Here goes!
Prologue
-- first paragraph, second sentence: no capital "e" on even.
-- first paragraph, second sentence: you're should be your.
-- last paragraph, last sentence: Maybe change "nil or none" to "nothing."
Chapter One
-- fifth paragraph, third sentence: worriers should be warriors.
-- At first break, fix ML code: opening parenthesis should be a brace.
Kintarra's Temple
-- second paragraph, third sentence: maybe use "figure out" instead of "think out?"
-- third paragraph, third sentence: site should be sight.
-- fifth paragraph, first sentence: site should be sight.
-- fifth paragraph, first sentence: it's should be its.
-- tenth paragraph, third sentence: for should be form.
-- thirteenth paragraph, last sentence: it's should be its.
-- after second break, fourth paragraph, fourth sentence: delete "in size" and "that of."
-- after second break, sixth paragraph, first sentence: wondering should be wandering.
-- after second break, eighth paragraph, last sentence: seems should be seemed.
-- after second break, eleventh paragraph, second sentence: maybe change "if" to "whether or not?"
-- after second break, twelfth paragraph, third sentence: for should be that.
Great installment! I look forward to reading the combined adventures of all of these characters Excellent story, keep writing!
Very nice opening! You did a great job of getting right into the action, and your descriptions of the demons are great.
I do have three things that I would like to mention, the first of which is small -- more of a nitpick, really. In the second sentence of the following paragraph, I think the fifth 'the' should be 'it'.
Patty dove forward, as stale food and unwanted toys spilled out at her feet. She landed nowhere near the end of the aisle, but when the shelving struck the row to her other side, the slowed momentarily, giving Patty the time she needed to frantically crawl toward freedom.
The second thing I would like to comment on is that you seem to keep slipping back and forth in time in the beginning of the chapter. One minute it's after the battle, then you go back to before the battle. It took me a second or two to catch what was going on.
My last comment is that while we know what the demons look like, we have no idea what Patty looks like. Maybe you could incorporate that into the next draft.
All in all, great story. I look forward to reading the rest. Great job, keep writing!
This is an excellent story. I enjoyed reading it, and would very much like to read more stories about Marcellus.
I did notice several grammatical errors, but most seemed to be type-o's. I think that if you print out a hard copy and read through for errors, you'll find them with no problem. If not, shoot me an e-mail, and I'd be glad to e-mail you back with the ones I noticed.
You did a great job of setting the scene for the story, and conveying the emotions and personalities of the characters. I would have liked to have seen a bit more in the way of physical descriptions though.
All in all, great job. I look forward to reading more of your work. Keep writing!
Overall, this is an intiguing beginning. I'm curious to see where this goes. I did notice a couple of minor grammatical errors/type-o's, but nothing that a quick hard copy edit won't fix. I have to tell you, I'm dying to find out what happens to him. The characterization thusfar seems solid, and your descriptions are well done.
This is the most amazing parable I've ever read -- and so well written. You have a gift for description and for drawing the reader into the story from the beginning.
Rockabee reminds me of every town or city that I've ever visited or lived in, and the people -- exactly like the living rocks.
Excellent story! I enjoyed the descriptiveness of your writing, and the genuine celtic feel to the phrasing of the story. I noticed a couple of minor type-o's, but nothing that was really distracting. I good spell check program should clear it up for you.
Excellent story, but I am very disappointed that you ended it here. I want to know what happens to them! Do they live, do they grow up and get married? Did he go see his father? This is sweet as far as it goes, but I would suggest giving it a more definative ending.
This is a very powerful story, also very sad. I really enjoyed reading it, though I do have one suggestion to offer. When you move between something that happened in the past and what's happening in the present, the transitions aren't very clear. I don't think they need to be re-written, but you could reformat those parts so that there is a break between the different time periods.
Beautiful! I like the fact that it doesn't rhyme, yet still reads very smoothly. There seems to be an overabundance of rhyming poetry these days?
I love the description in the first two stanzas, it emphasizes the fact that the viewpoint is that of a lover who is truely, deeply in love with their mate.
Excellent story. As a Navy veteran, this really hit home for me. Made me remeber the first time I realized there was more to service than traveling and drinking. Very touching, and also accurate.
As for the story itself, the only suggestion I have is to use military time -- enough civilians know it -- and I think it would add just that little extra note of reality to the story.
This is an interesting beginning, though a little reiniscent of Alice in Wonderland. I look forward to seeing where you're going with it to make it unique.
As far as the mechanics of the story, my only suggestion is to watch thos commas, I saw at least one that seemed to be out of place.
Second paragraph, ". . . and picked two, luscious red apples."
Personally, if I was going to put a comma anywhere, it would be between luscious and red, though I honestly don't feel one is needed here at all.
Interesting piece. Vaguely reminds me of on of those hitchhiker ghost stories. I skipped reading the prompt info and went straight into the story, so I was half expecting the old guy to turn out to be death. Thinking back though, it's nice that he wasn't. Would've fallen into the too predictable category for me.
Very sweet story! It makes me wish I had grown up somewhere with similar traditions.
While reading this I could actually picture you leaving the basket and running for the garage. I could feel the excitement of standing there, waiting for him to arrive.
This was a very enjoyable read. Great work, keep writing!
Very good story, I'd like to see where it goes. I think I'd like to see some more background on the sisters before they meet -- a split prologue maybe, following each sister through an event, maybe, so we can get a feel for who they are. Maybe see Susan at an NA meeting or something, if she's at that place in life, and Sandy could be shown just a little earlier in this same day, working her case and interacting with her co-workers.
I'd really like to see what happens with this story. Great work, keep writing!
Your setting description is great, you have a gift for imagery. You also do a wonderful job of characterizing Mr. Alexander. I only have two suggestions for you. The first is that you add in some physical description of Mr. Alexander. That's the only thing lacking here.
The second suggestion is to write more quickly, so I can find out what's going to happen next! LOL!
Keep writing, I look forward to reading more of your work.
This is a very well written piece. Your character and external setting description are great. And your dialogue is well written also, and serves to illustrated the father's dislike of unnecessary conversation. I would like to suggest that yopu add a little description of the inside of the house, though.
All in all, this was a very enjoyable read, though I wouldn't call it fantasy (your poll is what got me involved with the reading.) I would market it as mainstream fiction. Very well written fiction. Keep writing! I look forward to reading more of your work.
Printed from https://writing.com/main/profile/reviews/lackeybookworm
All Writing.Com images are copyrighted and may not be copied / modified in any way. All other brand names & trademarks are owned by their respective companies.
Generated in 0.09 seconds at 8:18am on Nov 13, 2024 via server WEBX1.
| (4.5)
View Portfolio
Visit Notebook
Send Gift Points
Awards
Badges
Send Email
Community Newsfeed
General Discussion
Sponsored Items
Book of Trinkets
Static Items
Books
Groups
Interactive Stories
Audio
Campfire Creatives
Community Notes
Crossword Puzzles
Documents
Folders
Images
In & Outs
Madlibs
Photo Albums
Polls
Product Reviews
Quizzes
Survey Forms
Web Pages
Word Searches
