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Review by Karl Author IconMail Icon
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Rated: E | (4.0)
Hullo Lesley. I am here with your PYBFF review. I know, it's about damn time, right? Rather than color coding all of the changes, I just [put them inside brackets.] Anyway, here we go...

In North Charleston, a violent crime city, I was the only female animal control officer in the police department. At the time I was in my twenties with long, sun[-]kissed hair. I didn't look the part of an Animal Control Officer[, b]ut I was good and resourceful. Solving problems was my specialty. I did look funny, I'll admit, driving a big heavy duty truck I had to climb in and out.
I was constantly teased about being so petite. [Expand this section. Help us feel your pain.]



I didn't let my size [become] a disadvantage[,] and developed my own style of dealing with the most difficult problems. One of my many duties was to trap feral dogs running loose and wild. The trap[,] being home made out of plywood and chain link fence[,] had [its] problems. [Did you build this trap?] It worked [well] enough[,] and could contain most of the largest and wildest dogs [There should be a but here, followed by a brief list of its problems]. The entrance[,] made from a piece of [heavy, chewed wood, was ugly, but functional.] The heavy door dropped down [as soon as] the dog took the bait. I caught many wild and uncontrollable dogs in that trap.



Capturing the wild dogs came easy, the hard part[. The difficult part came when I had to pull] wild dogs out of the trap with a choke stick when I arrived at the dog pound[. It] took all of my strength. I would drag feral or wild dogs out of the trap and hold the animals down as the [euthanasia] shot took effect. The [very unpleasant] chore could not be avoided. 98 percent of dogs and all [of the]cats [that I captured each month had to be put down.]



The [used and chewed dog trap] smelled foul, like dead chickens and nasty mange, [bodily] fluids[,] and other unpleasant odors. I used my leverage[,] and somehow transferred the heavy trap to the front of the dog cage in the bed of the truck. I used [bungee] cords to secure it to the back if the truck. [Whether] the cage [was] empty or occupied, it was difficult to put the trap on my tailgate. I was young and strong, [though,] and tilted the end of the trap on to my tailgate and pushed hard to slide it into the bed.



Handling wild animals, feral or domestic[,] is a dangerous challenge. Any animal that puts up a serious fight with me and my choke stick lost the fight. Almost always, the angry and large or the poor homeless The animal would usually fight until he or she passed out cold. That made them easier to euthanize.



[After each capture,] I promptly returned to the North Charleston Police Department, and managed to pull and push the empty old trap into the parking lot. It needed a lot of cleaning because the feral dogs made such a nasty mess. I didn't [use] rubber gloves. I believed it is easier to wash my hands when I finished the scrubbing. This sentence doesn’t really seem to have any purpose, and I would consider deleting it.



[One day, I was faced with a particularly nasty mess in the trap to clean up.] After I used my hose [to spray out the majority of the (vomit, feces, blood)], I squeezed into the trap to clean it better with a brush. I accidentally touched the greasy old bent nail that served as a trigger. I frowned as I heard the front door slide down and [close] tightly. "Oh Hell[,]" I muttered. [There] I was, unable to crawl or break out of the sturdy and stinky trap[, and] the police/fire department parking lot[was] empty because in the middle of the day, the cops all take lunch breaks.



I called out for help, but [it was] no use. [I was] stuck in the police parking lot in the middle of the day, [with]no one around to hear my pleading[,] and the heat [was continuing] to rise. [It was] a hot day in August as I waited in the parking lot, cramped in the trap for at least an hour. I had to go to the bathroom, and really needed to get out of that nasty trap!

Expand this. Draw it out. Let us feel the beads of sweat dripping down your back (that you couldn’t reach). Show us the rising sense of apprehension as the minutes drug by, feeling like hours.

[Finally,] a fireman going on duty, heard my weak, pleading voice begging for help. It took him about a minute to see where the voice came from. I started laughing when the nice fireman pulled up the door and I crawled out of my trap. I asked him not to tell anyone, and gave him a big hug.



Before the day was over, I think I heard every joke the cops and firemen could come up with that day. I now understand why dogs captured in my cage are bouncing around and attempting to bite. I used the hose from then on when cleaning the old trap. I [had learned] better than to crawl inside of the cage. [From then on, I made] sure [that] someone was around [when I cleaned out the trap,] and [I stayed] out of [it]. [I am not certain, but I suspect that] I am probably the only fool that [has ever willingly crawled] into a dog trap.


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Review by Karl Author IconMail Icon
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Rated: 18+ | (4.5)
Great story, Jim. It appears that you have done some research. I greatly enjoyed some of the little, often unknown details, such as the black fast, and the symbolic representation of Jesus Christ. I went to Central Christian Church in Rockford as a kid, and have no real experience with Catholicism, but the image that you presented seemed to hold true with what I have experienced through reading and other media. Good research pays good dividends.

At the end of part one, Matt gets a note that the Father has called back. The message request that he return the Father's call. Then Matthew and the note come to an agreement that they should do lunch. Matthew has a hoagie, while the note just nibbles on a bit of graphite... (Perhaps you should toss in there that he actually made the call. After the grin, mayhap?)

At times, and oddly intermittently, you abbreviate Father with Fr. It may just be me, but that seems to denigrate the austere position that he holds. It wouldn't take that much more to spell it out, and the effect of seeing the word Father (a word that is ingrained into our racial psyche) is much more profound. The short a is necessary to making that connection: dad, father, padre, pere, gran pere... I don't know any more off the top of my head, but dozens of languages have phonetically similar words for father. As an addendum to this, when you refer to him familiarly (as in " As Father continued the prayers"), you might consider using Donnely instead, or The Father.

Why is the word abbreviate so long?

I noticed an indent that was closed with a ] rather than a } in part three.

The first time that the demon addresses Matthew, it occurs suddenly and without preamble. To keep from jarring the reader here, you could mention that the girl looked his way, or after it spoke he looked up in shock and they made eye contact. Just something to indicate that fleeting connection between them.

By the way, what is the paper-thin, circular object? Curiosity is getting the better of me, here...

The details about the inside of the church, the alter, and the ceremony are great. The Gaelic that you threw in there lends it a sense of authenticity (in spite of Matthew's doubts). Good research. I never really got a sense of location, though, aside from vaguely Midwestern. Is this a real church in a real city? If so, don't be afraid to use that. As they say, the best fiction has some basis in fact. The bar and the cathedral in my story are real, although I made up the restaurant to suit the purpose. The point being that you can throw in an image of the gargoyle leering over the southwest corner, or even refer to the street names. Again, adding to authenticity.

Am I the only one who was a bit surprise when Father Donnely offered Matthew a shot of brandy. I know that Jesus' first miracle was turning water into wine, but I'm pretty sure that he didn't distill it afterwards. Matthew didn't bat an eye, either. (I can almost hear the "Hell, yeah, I'll have one). I really don't mind but, for the sake of the poor man's reputation, perhaps it should be Merlot. (Now where's my Vodka?)

The closing action rolls smoothly, and I have no comments or wisecracks. I do think that the pun/metaphor fell a little flat, but what can you say about priestly humor? The presentation of this whole thing as a single newspaper article works well for me, particularly the conclusion. In doing that, however, I was drawn back to the beginning, where he made some rather personal admissions that probably would have hit the editing room floor. Loosing some of its spice... job not in jeopardy, but... various story ideas... Consider starting the article after that first paragraph. That way, you can get away with that sort of narration and introspection, without telling all of those readers what an emotional wreck writers really are. That we can imagine a million ways to fail, and be cast into obscurity for all eternity.

I think that's all I've got. it really is a good story, and I am certain that it will find its way into print (digitally, at least). If this does not come about as the result of this contest, I will set you up with someone who will, most likely, buy your story. Have a Happy Thanksgiving!



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Review by Karl Author IconMail Icon
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Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Title: Dreams in Wonderland

Author: Hanna Author IconMail Icon

Chapter: One
Plot:

Style / Voice: I love that you used Kevin as the narrator for this story. The vernacular is convincing.

Setting: I would like to see more of your Wonderland. What you have shown is enough to tantalize. Flood our senses with the smells and tastes
Characters: You might consider including Toto a little more during the latter part of the story, particularly since you started the story out with finding his mangy, mutilated behind.

Grammar: See line by line

My Opinion: This a cute story, and I enjoyed reviewing it. Keep in mind that any changes that I have made are merely suggestions. I do not want to try to alter your writing voice.
A few thoughts. I change some of the “dreams” to “stories”. See if it suits you. It may have been a misinterpretation of your intentions. I look forward to see how this story will evolve.

Line By Line:


Why did I have to name that wisp of a stray dog TOTO? It was the beginning of the most unbelievable adventure. Unbelievable trouble I would call it, but who am I to change the meaning of long words?

Toto was wet and hungry when I found him under the old two-wheel wagon in Mr. Dempsey's stable. All I could see was a pair of burning eyes ogling me suspiciously and a big ugly cut on one ear. The ear was actually torn and gave the poor thing a terrible look.

It took a while to gain his trust, but gee, when he came outI had one of Mrs. Annabelle’s famous sweet rolls, and that smell pulled him out faster than any leash ever could. After that he was all over me. I took him to Mama Holster, because there is no one in a hundred miles around that can fix wounded animals like Mama Holster.

She wanted to know if I'm going to keep that poor bastard, for ’cause she said she ain't goin' to waste her precious ointment on a stray. So, would YOU have said you're not keeping him? I said yes, he'll be mine from that day on, and when she said I must name him I said Toto, and that was it.

That was how I came to be Toto's owner. His ear remained in its half version, and it didn't even hurt his hearing none. Even when he waswell fed, he was still a tiny dog, but he barked in a shrieking high pitch that could bring the sheriff running. He followed me everywhere and became a laughingstock to my friends.
I am unclear as to whether Kevin or the Toto is the laughingstock. Include a pronoun (I or he) before “became” to clarify. Also, consider including one of the common jibes used by the neighborhood kids (“That dog is even uglier than you, Kevin”… or “He’s lucky that we have air in this football, ‘cause I’d be punting that dog right now”.)
I also took the liberty of restructuring this paragraph a little. I think that it flows better and sounds more natural now.


Oh, I forgot to tell you, my name is Kevin. I'm 13 and live around the corner from Dempsey's stable, in the attic of the Guns and Roses Saloon. No, you don't have to raise a brow and say it ain't a proper place for a boy to live in. I'll have you know that it's clean, well aired and if not for the big heart of Miss Annabelle, I would have lived in the streets. She’s always treated me like I was her real so, even though she ain’t never had no kids. Why, she’s the closest thing to a momma that I’ve even known.
new paragraph
Where are my parents you ask? Well, as long as I can remember, I've been asking the same question. I must have had parents at some stage of my life, but {c:}I guess they chose to dump me and vanished like a rabbit into its hole. I think I don't need them anymore, ’cause I've got a good name, Kevin Horseshoe, [and] I have a place to stay, and I've got Toto, [too]. Mrs. Annabelle calls me Kevin Horseshoe on account of the horseshoe that was with me when she found me. I’ve still got it, too. The horseshoe that was found on me is still with me.It must bring me good luck, since it brought me to Mrs. Annabelle. Besides, I'm kind of used to having it under my pillow when I go to sleep.

My adventure started on a cold winter morning, when the winds were blowing hard. I decided to stay in my attic, play with Toto and work on my painting. Christmas was only a week away and I was busy preparing a special picture for Miss Annabelle. I sat at the small table and got out the packet of crayons [I'd] bought from Joshua's General store. He was really nice when I came with my hard saved pennies to buy the crayons and found I was 3 pennies short. He said I must bring them another time[,] and let me have the crayons. He evenadded a couple of drawing sheets for me to do my painting on.

I thought [I'd] draw for Miss Annabelle the world she was always talking about, a place of wonders and miracles, where people [are] dressed up nicely and the ladies [are] respected and rich. Yes, she'll keep it by her bed and will look at it every night before going to sleep.
Throw in a little more description here. Tell me what sticks in the mind a young man after hearing fairy tales. I’m sure that rich, well dressed ladies are there, but there’s probably knights, and dragons, and trolls (oh, my!)


Ok. This is Now I will tell you what brought Toto and me into the heart of the Trouble... You want to hear about it, don't you?

When I started to color-in the picture, I didn't notice at first that the crayons I was using had different color[s] to what they were supposed to. I wanted Miss Annabelle's dress to be bright red, like the red velvet draperies she had in her drawing room, but each time I used the red crayon, the color came out blue like the sky. Strange things were going on. Toto jumped on my lap and stared at the street I [had] drawn[,] with Miss Annabelle standing there and all the people around her giving her curtsy and smiling widely.

Toto was scratching the road, the one that took me hours to paint. I made it paved with bricks, unlike our dirt roads that become muddy every time the rain is pouring. Toto jumped on the table and got hold of the yellow crayon. He brought it to me and with his paw pushed it until it lay on my painting, where my brick road was drawn. He wanted me to paint the road yellow, but I told him the crayons had a mind of their own and it would probably come out purple or some other disgusting color. Toto barked, and I thought that he might get Mrs. Annabelle’s attention, so I took the yellow crayon and started painting the road with it. I didn’t want to ruin the surprise, after all. The crayon felt strange in my hand[,] and when I looked at it more carefully, I saw it had eyes and a mouth and one of the eyes winked at me. I dropped it to the table like it was on fire. [The] crayon must have been bewitched… never seen anything like it!

Well, magic business or not, I picked the smiling crayon again and painted the brick road, ignoring the winking eyes. It came out yellow alright, and when I was done, Miss Annabelle looked like a real queen, standing on that road.
Perhaps you can describe where the eyes and mouth are located, and then show how he overcame his trepidation. Show him holding the crayon in a way that allowed the eyes to see the “painting”, and no covering its mouth. Did the crayon say anything? Maybe it started humming a little tune? Have fun with it.

I took the picture to the window[,] where there was more light. I wanted to see the colors. The picture was ruined with strange shades that don't exist… Damn crayons[.] I knew then why Mr. Joshua gave them to me[,] not minding I was 3 pennies short… they were spoiled crayons! I'll tell him to forget about those pennies!

Toto came down from the table and was pulling at my pants. "Toto, let me look at the picture. I'll take you for your walk in a minute," I said, but Toto started to bark so I went to the door to open it for him, thinking he can manage on his own watering the Magnolia tree at the back. Still holding the painting in my hand, I pushed the door handle down and the door flew open, nearly hitting me in the face. A strong gust of wind blew in and sucked poor Toto and me into a fast swirl that carried us out of the house and up towards the sun.
He lives upstairs, doesn’t he? I wonder if he shouldn’t have to walk downstairs to let Toto out. I’d hate to see him get sucked down a flight of stairs in a sudden and violent maelstrom and get hurt.

Yes. That’s really what happened. I don't tell no fairy tales. Honest to God! My heart was beating fast and my eyes were blinded by the strong yellow light. Toto was floating somewhere above my head, and so was the yellow crayon[,] which had grown tiny wings and was floating easily near Toto's disfigured ear. I reached for Toto, pulling him down, and the crayon just flew into my arms, then moved to nestle on my shoulder.
         Toto seemed to be faint, his eyes closed and his heart hammering against his ribs. I gathered him to me and held him tight. Wherever we were going, we'll always have each otherI at least I had Toto to keep me company. The magical crayon flapped its tiny wings and winked. I don't know what part that little yellow creature played in the events, but he was sure keeping an eye on things.

You sound skeptic, Listener. You think I'm making this story up? Why would I? It is true, as true as the story about the bullfrog that went to bed with Widow Wilson… I swear on my horseshoe that everything happened just the way I say. So what happened next? Nothing much. We had fallen down into a place of wonders. Like the one I said Miss Annabelle was dreaming about?It was just like the stories that Miss Annabelle told me. Someone must have listened to her and made up a place just like it.

Toto came round as soon as my feet touched the ground. He jumped down, and I looked to see where he was going. The yellow crayon flew down to the ground and IIlooked around and was surprised to see we were standing on a brick road, a YELLOW brick road. Strange… I thought it only existed in my ruined picture…
Take this opportunity to do a little world building. Yes, even in short stories you can indulge in a little world building, sometimes to great benefit. What is beyond the yellow brick road? (I like the cliché, by the way) Cellophane trees and marmalade skies? A troop of miniature baboons swinging from the branches? Where are the munchkins? LOL.

Toto started chasing his tail[, like he was] mighty happy to be standing on that yellow road. Beats me why. I said, "Toto, pull yourself together! We don't know what this place is! All these flowers and fruits around us might be poisonous[. There could be] men-eating plants. Stay close to me and mind your step. I don't want you to fall into a rabbit hole."

The yellow crayon circled Toto in a quick swirl, creating a light arrow which started to travel away from us. The road was kind of moving under our feet, so we didn't really have to walk. It took us towards the big mountain, which I could see beyond the trees and the shrubs. It was a funny looking mountain; Thick at its base and pointy at the top, like a witch's hat. It also had the most unusual colors - half blue and half red, and a yellow line separating the colors.
How did it feel, the road moving under them? Could he feel the motion, or did he only notice when he saw the scenery moving past him? Are you sure that the crayon didn’t just draw an arrow on the road?

I had a strange feeling that the yellow line on the mountain was the one and same yellow brick road that was still moving under our feet. You say I should have gotten off that road? You don't think I am smart enough to have thought about [that] myself? Well, I am, and I did try to get off it, but there was an invisible something that wouldn't let Toto or me get off it. We were in a magical wonderland and I was kinda' looking forward to seeing what lay ahead.
This all seems a little dream-like. Doesn’t he feel even a little apprehensive? I mean, he got sucked out of his house attic by a miniature tornado, and now he is stuck on a freakin’ yellow escalator, headed towards God knows what at the top of the mountain. What if there’s a volcano up there? Or a tribe of demented accountants that are going to make sure that he gets audited? Eeeeek!

I picked up Toto and said to him not to worry, but I was getting worried. All around us, the trees and the wonderful flowers were dancing to a soft tune which started playing and seemed to have come from the mountain. The closer we got to it, the bolder the colors around us became[,] and the louder the music. The road seemed to increase its pace[,] and when it started to climb up the mountain I was going to die of fear.

My feet must have been glued to the road, or else I can't explain how come I didn't fall off it. Sometimes it looked like we were hanging almost upside down, but somehow it felt we were just standing there on a normal road. It took us all the way up the mountain, and somehow we made it! But wait, that was only the beginning. What happened next will rip your mind out of your skull. I promise you!
My, what colorful language for such a young man. I am trying to place this story in some kind of time period. I want to place it in a Victorian era time frame, but a comment like that seem to come from a more modern 13 year old. You know, the type that loves horror movies and likes to use shocking language to garner attention.

At the top, the road turned sharply into an unusual garden. It wasn’t like any garden I'[d] ever seen. The main path was made of yellow glass bricks and the other paths were each in a different color. The garden itself was full of bushes and tree, that didn't look real. They looked more like they were made of marzipan[. Y]ou know, like the baker's wife uses on wedding cakes, that sweet tasting stuff I always get from her when I help her carry the flour bags inside[? W]ell, that's what the garden looked like. When I saw Toto jumping off the path and munching on one of the flowers and my little yellow crayon having a feast on those leaves, I knew I wasn't wrong.

You might want to mention that the path stopped moving when he reached garden. That way he could choose which path to follow, and it would explain how the crayon and Toto could go and eat the shrubbery.
I [stayed on the yellow] path[,] and when I reached a round glass cabin, I stopped at the door and looked at the sign on it. It said "Welcome Kevin to Wonderland {c:red],Kevin". How they figured my name I can't tell you, but a horseshoe was glued on the sign. It looked identical to the one under my pillow. That gave me the chills. Knowing my name was one thing, but having a twin horseshoe meant trouble...

I tried to take the horseshoe off the sign but as soon as I touched it, the door opened and Toto ran ahead of me[,] barking gaily[. T]he crayon, on the other hand, seemed [as] reluctant to enter [as I was]. I decided that I didn’t really have any choice, though, so I just went ahead and followed them inside.

There was only one room in that cabin, but it was as big as Mr. Cooper's barn, you know, where we are having [have] the monthly dances. (I've seen you there kissing that fat redhead… No, I won't tell anyone. Cross my heart and hope to die! So, you'll hear my story till I'm done? Yeah, I thought you would…) Furniture of all sorts filled that huge room. Some of it was velvet[,] like in Annabelle's place, [and] some [of it was] like the Saloon with tables and chairs[. S]ome [of it was] like bedrooms in people's houses and [one corner looked] like the church kitchen[,] where we help when there is a wedding.

So many people were [moving] around [in that room that] my head got dizzy. A few I knew, but most of them] were strangers. The ones I knew were waving at me, smiling and clapping hands. I had no idea what they were doing there[,] or how they got there, but I intended to find out. The whole thing didn't make no sense to me. How could they all be there? Me and Toto - we took the Yellow Brick Road, and we had the winking crayon, but [what about] the others? They didn't have my painting to begin with. (You agree? And you weren't there… Yes I'm sure. But your fat friend was there with the baker's son. No, I'm not lying. Now, let me go on with the story.)

I wanted to go greet Miss Annabelle, who was sitting like a queen in a large armchair, dressed in a red velvet [dress that matched ]her velvet draperies. She was talking to some young men who were dressed like Abraham Lincoln is dressed in in those old pictures[. They were] all smiles and wide hand movements. It was just like in her dream [stories].

In the far corner I saw the widow Wilson in the arms of a hefty man, dancing to the music that was playing softly, unlike the music outside. They were moving gracefully, and when the man swirled her around I got a chance to see his face. Did I know him[,] you ask? You bet your silver dollar on it! It was the same bullfrog I put in the widow's bed the month before. Yes[, I admit it]. It was me who put that green monster in her bed. Why[did I do that to her]? [Well… t]hat's a different story. But he was there in that cabin, dressed like a gentleman, dancing with the widow. Don't ask me how that was possible, because I can't tell you. All I know is what I saw.

A little description of the frog-man would go a long way here. Is he mostly human, with frog-like features, or is he green, with web-footed, and leaving puddles all across the dance floor?

Then it came to me. If I was in wonderland, anything was possible. Miss Annabelle was having her dream living in one of her stories, so who knows what the widow was dreaming about when she found my frog in her bed? Perhaps this was her dream? (What do you say, Listener? Why would a young and beautiful widow dream of a frog? Might be on account the young men around her look all ugly as you?) But I thought that if they were having their dreams come true, there must be something [here] for me too… and I went looking for it[. I] thought I ought to find [that] magic crayon [,too]. I had the thought that maybe he was the one that [had] made [all of this] possible…

I turned around towards the entrance door, and there stood my yellow crayon, only he was no longer a tiny winged crayon. He was a full-size wizard, pointed hat and all. Honest to God, Listener. A real wizard! He wore a bright yellow robe and held his wand in his left hand[,] while his other hand pointed to the middle of the room. I looked there.

A young woman stood by herself, holding a baby in her arms. She was dressed in tattered clothes, [and] her hair covered with an old scarf. I could see [that] she was crying. Even if I wanted to tell you why Her eyes were so swollen she could hardly see - I couldn't. I thought I knew her, but as I came closer, I realized she was a stranger; never seen her around before. She looked frightened and peeked over her shoulder every now and then.

When I finally decided to talk to herI wanted to go talk to her, but as soon as I started to move toward her a man came running from the kitchen corner. He had a small box in his hand[,] which he handed to the woman. HE was someone I knew very well - the son of the richest man in the province - Jake Love. He said nothing, just gave the baby the eye, touched him and then disappeared amidst the crowds at the other end of the room.

What was in the box, you ask? I was wondering about it myself[. I]t had a yellow glow to it, and everybody in the room seemed to be looking that way, but I was more curious to find out why I was here. I turned and started to walk away when I heard a sharp cry coming from the woman. Turning back, I saw her crouching on the floor, the baby [still] clasped to her chest and a puddle of blood coming from underneath her.

She looked pale and fragile, and I knew she was [dying]. Don't ask me how I knew itI don’t know how I knew it, I just did. I could smell death [in the air] right there and then, and the wizard was standing close by. With her last breath she handed me the box and said in the flimsiest voice "This is his. Be good to him… give him to a good family… he's of good stock and one day… one day… her last breath came out as a low moan, and she died right there, still holding the baby in her arms.

Of course I took the box. A dying wish is sacred, isn’t it? The wizard picked up the baby and gave him to me. I went to find Miss Annabelle. She would know what to do. When she saw me, she came forward and took the baby, which was a relief, because he was all wet and smelly. I told her about the baby's mother and Miss Annabelle went to see the woman. She lay in a still spreading pool of scarlet, her face frozen in its agony. When Miss Annabelle was satisfied that the mother was indeed dead as I said, she wanted to know if the woman gave me anything money, perhaps a letter or a family heirloom by which the baby could be identified. I gave her the box and while handing it to her I saw that something was engraved on it. Couldn't read it [though, ‘cause it wasn’t] facing me.

Miss Annabelle went back to her chair, put the baby into it and opened the box. Out came a packet of letters tied with a pink ribbon, one gold dollar and a horseshoe. My horseshoe. I could identify it anywhere…

The wizard gave me a wink and disappeared. I [guess now I] knew why he went to all the trouble of bringing me to Wonderland.

What was my horseshoe doing in that box, you ask? I didn't know then, but I know now. That's why I said it was all big trouble… No, I'm not crying… why should I cry? I'm happy! Had an adventure… met the wizard… In my dream… went to wonderland… what did I get? Something nice? Something I wanted? No! Found who my bloody father was! Forget the name Horseshoe! It ain't mine. Kevin Love… written on the box… I don't want to be Kevin Love… That yellow crayon started it all! When I told Miss Annabelle about my dream, she went to her chest, got out a box. In it was a packet of letters tied with a pink ribbon which she handed to me and said, "This is your dream! Now go claim your heritage!"

What do you mean you don't believe me? You think I'm just a good for nothing boy who lives in a whorehouse? And what are these? And I handed him my father's letters, tied nicely with a pink ribbon.

I must have wanted all my life to find my true parents, and the most amazing thing was that I never realized it until that Listener said I was lying about who I really was.



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Review by Karl Author IconMail Icon
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Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Hiya Hanna. My apologies for the delay in completing your review. Between working 10 hour days and putting up 8600 Christmas lights, I've been a little bit beat. If you have questions or comments, do not hesitate to ask. I look forward to the revision.

Title: Dreams in Wonderland

Author: Hanna Author IconMail Icon

Chapter: One
Plot:

Style / Voice: I love that you used Kevin as the narrator for this story. The vernacular is convincing.

Setting: I would like to see more of your Wonderland. What you have shown is enough to tantalize. Flood our senses with the smells and tastes
Characters: You might consider including Toto a little more during the latter part of the story, particularly since you started the story out with finding his mangy, mutilated behind.

Grammar: See line by line

My Opinion: This a cute story, and I enjoyed reviewing it. Keep in mind that any changes that I have made are merely suggestions. I do not want to try to alter your writing voice.
A few thoughts. I change some of the “dreams” to “stories”. See if it suits you. It may have been a misinterpretation of your intentions. I look forward to see how this story will evolve.

Line By Line:


Why did I have to name that wisp of a stray dog TOTO? It was the beginning of the most unbelievable adventure. Unbelievable trouble I would call it, but who am I to change the meaning of long words?

Toto was wet and hungry when I found him under the old two-wheel wagon in Mr. Dempsey's stable. All I could see was a pair of burning eyes ogling me suspiciously and a big ugly cut on one ear. The ear was actually torn and gave the poor thing a terrible look.

It took a while to gain his trust, but gee, when he came outI had one of Mrs. Annabelle’s famous sweet rolls, and that smell pulled him out faster than any leash ever could. After that he was all over me. I took him to Mama Holster, because there is no one in a hundred miles around that can fix wounded animals like Mama Holster.

She wanted to know if I'm going to keep that poor bastard, for ’cause she said she ain't goin' to waste her precious ointment on a stray. So, would YOU have said you're not keeping him? I said yes, he'll be mine from that day on, and when she said I must name him I said Toto, and that was it.

That was how I came to be Toto's owner. His ear remained in its half version, and it didn't even hurt his hearing none. Even when he waswell fed, he was still a tiny dog, but he barked in a shrieking high pitch that could bring the sheriff running. He followed me everywhere and became a laughingstock to my friends.
I am unclear as to whether Kevin or the Toto is the laughingstock. Include a pronoun (I or he) before “became” to clarify. Also, consider including one of the common jibes used by the neighborhood kids (“That dog is even uglier than you, Kevin”… or “He’s lucky that we have air in this football, ‘cause I’d be punting that dog right now”.)
I also took the liberty of restructuring this paragraph a little. I think that it flows better and sounds more natural now.


Oh, I forgot to tell you, my name is Kevin. I'm 13 and live around the corner from Dempsey's stable, in the attic of the Guns and Roses Saloon. No, you don't have to raise a brow and say it ain't a proper place for a boy to live in. I'll have you know that it's clean, well aired and if not for the big heart of Miss Annabelle, I would have lived in the streets. She’s always treated me like I was her real so, even though she ain’t never had no kids. Why, she’s the closest thing to a momma that I’ve even known.
new paragraph
Where are my parents you ask? Well, as long as I can remember, I've been asking the same question. I must have had parents at some stage of my life, but {c:}I guess they chose to dump me and vanished like a rabbit into its hole. I think I don't need them anymore, ’cause I've got a good name, Kevin Horseshoe, [and] I have a place to stay, and I've got Toto, [too]. Mrs. Annabelle calls me Kevin Horseshoe on account of the horseshoe that was with me when she found me. I’ve still got it, too. The horseshoe that was found on me is still with me.It must bring me good luck, since it brought me to Mrs. Annabelle. Besides, I'm kind of used to having it under my pillow when I go to sleep.

My adventure started on a cold winter morning, when the winds were blowing hard. I decided to stay in my attic, play with Toto and work on my painting. Christmas was only a week away and I was busy preparing a special picture for Miss Annabelle. I sat at the small table and got out the packet of crayons [I'd] bought from Joshua's General store. He was really nice when I came with my hard saved pennies to buy the crayons and found I was 3 pennies short. He said I must bring them another time[,] and let me have the crayons. He evenadded a couple of drawing sheets for me to do my painting on.

I thought [I'd] draw for Miss Annabelle the world she was always talking about, a place of wonders and miracles, where people [are] dressed up nicely and the ladies [are] respected and rich. Yes, she'll keep it by her bed and will look at it every night before going to sleep.
Throw in a little more description here. Tell me what sticks in the mind a young man after hearing fairy tales. I’m sure that rich, well dressed ladies are there, but there’s probably knights, and dragons, and trolls (oh, my!)


Ok. This is Now I will tell you what brought Toto and me into the heart of the Trouble... You want to hear about it, don't you?

When I started to color-in the picture, I didn't notice at first that the crayons I was using had different color[s] to what they were supposed to. I wanted Miss Annabelle's dress to be bright red, like the red velvet draperies she had in her drawing room, but each time I used the red crayon, the color came out blue like the sky. Strange things were going on. Toto jumped on my lap and stared at the street I [had] drawn[,] with Miss Annabelle standing there and all the people around her giving her curtsy and smiling widely.

Toto was scratching the road, the one that took me hours to paint. I made it paved with bricks, unlike our dirt roads that become muddy every time the rain is pouring. Toto jumped on the table and got hold of the yellow crayon. He brought it to me and with his paw pushed it until it lay on my painting, where my brick road was drawn. He wanted me to paint the road yellow, but I told him the crayons had a mind of their own and it would probably come out purple or some other disgusting color. Toto barked, and I thought that he might get Mrs. Annabelle’s attention, so I took the yellow crayon and started painting the road with it. I didn’t want to ruin the surprise, after all{.} The crayon felt strange in my hand[,] and when I looked at it more carefully, I saw it had eyes and a mouth and one of the eyes winked at me. I dropped it to the table like it was on fire. [The] crayon must have been bewitched… never seen anything like it!

Well, magic business or not, I picked the smiling crayon again and painted the brick road, ignoring the winking eyes. It came out yellow alright, and when I was done, Miss Annabelle looked like a real queen, standing on that road.
Perhaps you can describe where the eyes and mouth are located, and then show how he overcame his trepidation. Show him holding the crayon in a way that allowed the eyes to see the “painting”, and no covering its mouth. Did the crayon say anything? Maybe it started humming a little tune? Have fun with it.

I took the picture to the window[,] where there was more light. I wanted to see the colors. The picture was ruined with strange shades that don't exist… Damn crayons[.] I knew then why Mr. Joshua gave them to me[,] not minding I was 3 pennies short… they were spoiled crayons! I'll tell him to forget about those pennies!

Toto came down from the table and was pulling at my pants. "Toto, let me look at the picture. I'll take you for your walk in a minute," I said, but Toto started to bark so I went to the door to open it for him, thinking he can manage on his own watering the Magnolia tree at the back. Still holding the painting in my hand, I pushed the door handle down and the door flew open, nearly hitting me in the face. A strong gust of wind blew in and sucked poor Toto and me into a fast swirl that carried us out of the house and up towards the sun.
He lives upstairs, doesn’t he? I wonder if he shouldn’t have to walk downstairs to let Toto out. I’d hate to see him get sucked down a flight of stairs in a sudden and violent maelstrom and get hurt.

Yes. That’s really what happened. I don't tell no fairy tales. Honest to God! My heart was beating fast and my eyes were blinded by the strong yellow light. Toto was floating somewhere above my head, and so was the yellow crayon[,] which had grown tiny wings and was floating easily near Toto's disfigured ear. I reached for Toto, pulling him down, and the crayon just flew into my arms, then moved to nestle on my shoulder.
         Toto seemed to be faint, his eyes closed and his heart hammering against his ribs. I gathered him to me and held him tight. Wherever we were going, we'll always have each otherI at least I had Toto to keep me company. The magical crayon flapped its tiny wings and winked. I don't know what part that little yellow creature played in the events, but he was sure keeping an eye on things.

You sound skeptic, Listener. You think I'm making this story up? Why would I? It is true, as true as the story about the bullfrog that went to bed with Widow Wilson… I swear on my horseshoe that everything happened just the way I say. So what happened next? Nothing much. We had fallen down into a place of wonders. Like the one I said Miss Annabelle was dreaming about?It was just like the stories that Miss Annabelle told me. Someone must have listened to her and made up a place just like it.

Toto came round as soon as my feet touched the ground. He jumped down, and I looked to see where he was going. The yellow crayon flew down to the ground and IIlooked around and was surprised to see we were standing on a brick road, a YELLOW brick road. Strange… I thought it only existed in my ruined picture…
Take this opportunity to do a little world building. Yes, even in short stories you can indulge in a little world building, sometimes to great benefit. What is beyond the yellow brick road? (I like the cliché, by the way) Cellophane trees and marmalade skies? A troop of miniature baboons swinging from the branches? Where are the munchkins? LOL.

Toto started chasing his tail[, like he was] mighty happy to be standing on that yellow road. Beats me why. I said, "Toto, pull yourself together! We don't know what this place is! All these flowers and fruits around us might be poisonous[. There could be] men-eating plants. Stay close to me and mind your step. I don't want you to fall into a rabbit hole."

The yellow crayon circled Toto in a quick swirl, creating a light arrow which started to travel away from us. The road was kind of moving under our feet, so we didn't really have to walk. It took us towards the big mountain, which I could see beyond the trees and the shrubs. It was a funny looking mountain; Thick at its base and pointy at the top, like a witch's hat. It also had the most unusual colors - half blue and half red, and a yellow line separating the colors.
How did it feel, the road moving under them? Could he feel the motion, or did he only notice when he saw the scenery moving past him? Are you sure that the crayon didn’t just draw an arrow on the road?

I had a strange feeling that the yellow line on the mountain was the one and same yellow brick road that was still moving under our feet. You say I should have gotten off that road? You don't think I am smart enough to have thought about [that] myself? Well, I am, and I did try to get off it, but there was an invisible something that wouldn't let Toto or me get off it. We were in a magical wonderland and I was kinda' looking forward to seeing what lay ahead.
This all seems a little dream-like. Doesn’t he feel even a little apprehensive? I mean, he got sucked out of his house attic by a miniature tornado, and now he is stuck on a freakin’ yellow escalator, headed towards God knows what at the top of the mountain. What if there’s a volcano up there? Or a tribe of demented accountants that are going to make sure that he gets audited? Eeeeek!

I picked up Toto and said to him not to worry, but I was getting worried. All around us, the trees and the wonderful flowers were dancing to a soft tune which started playing and seemed to have come from the mountain. The closer we got to it, the bolder the colors around us became[,] and the louder the music. The road seemed to increase its pace[,] and when it started to climb up the mountain I was going to die of fear.

My feet must have been glued to the road, or else I can't explain how come I didn't fall off it. Sometimes it looked like we were hanging almost upside down, but somehow it felt we were just standing there on a normal road. It took us all the way up the mountain, and somehow we made it! But wait, that was only the beginning. What happened next will rip your mind out of your skull. I promise you!
My, what colorful language for such a young man. I am trying to place this story in some kind of time period. I want to place it in a Victorian era time frame, but a comment like that seem to come from a more modern 13 year old. You know, the type that loves horror movies and likes to use shocking language to garner attention.

At the top, the road turned sharply into an unusual garden. It wasn’t like any garden I'[d] ever seen. The main path was made of yellow glass bricks and the other paths were each in a different color. The garden itself was full of bushes and tree, that didn't look real. They looked more like they were made of marzipan[. Y]ou know, like the baker's wife uses on wedding cakes, that sweet tasting stuff I always get from her when I help her carry the flour bags inside[? W]ell, that's what the garden looked like. When I saw Toto jumping off the path and munching on one of the flowers and my little yellow crayon having a feast on those leaves, I knew I wasn't wrong.

You might want to mention that the path stopped moving when he reached garden. That way he could choose which path to follow, and it would explain how the crayon and Toto could go and eat the shrubbery.
I [stayed on the yellow] path[,] and when I reached a round glass cabin, I stopped at the door and looked at the sign on it. It said "Welcome Kevin to Wonderland ". How they figured my name I can't tell you, but a horseshoe was glued on the sign. It looked identical to the one under my pillow. That gave me the chills. Knowing my name was one thing, but having a twin horseshoe meant trouble...

I tried to take the horseshoe off the sign but as soon as I touched it, the door opened and Toto ran ahead of me[,] barking gaily[. T]he crayon, on the other hand, seemed [as] reluctant to enter [as I was]. I decided that I didn’t really have any choice, though, so I just went ahead and followed them inside.

There was only one room in that cabin, but it was as big as Mr. Cooper's barn, you know, where we are having [have] the monthly dances. (I've seen you there kissing that fat redhead… No, I won't tell anyone. Cross my heart and hope to die! So, you'll hear my story till I'm done? Yeah, I thought you would…) Furniture of all sorts filled that huge room. Some of it was velvet[,] like in Annabelle's place, [and] some [of it was] like the Saloon with tables and chairs[. S]ome [of it was] like bedrooms in people's houses and [one corner looked] like the church kitchen[,] where we help when there is a wedding.

So many people were [moving] around [in that room that] my head got dizzy. A few I knew, but most of them] were strangers. The ones I knew were waving at me, smiling and clapping hands. I had no idea what they were doing there[,] or how they got there, but I intended to find out. The whole thing didn't make no sense to me. How could they all be there? Me and Toto - we took the Yellow Brick Road, and we had the winking crayon, but [what about] the others? They didn't have my painting to begin with. (You agree? And you weren't there… Yes I'm sure. But your fat friend was there with the baker's son. No, I'm not lying. Now, let me go on with the story.)

I wanted to go greet Miss Annabelle, who was sitting like a queen in a large armchair, dressed in a red velvet [dress that matched ]her velvet draperies. She was talking to some young men who were dressed like Abraham Lincoln is dressed in in those old pictures[. They were] all smiles and wide hand movements. It was just like in her dream [stories].

In the far corner I saw the widow Wilson in the arms of a hefty man, dancing to the music that was playing softly, unlike the music outside{/x|. They were moving gracefully, and when the man swirled her around I got a chance to see his face. Did I know him[,] you ask? You bet your silver dollar on it! It was the same bullfrog I put in the widow's bed the month before. Yes[, I admit it]. It was me who put that green monster in her bed. Why[did I do that to her]? [Well… t]hat's a different story. But he was there in that cabin, dressed like a gentleman, dancing with the widow. Don't ask me how that was possible, because I can't tell you. All I know is what I saw.

A little description of the frog-man would go a long way here. Is he mostly human, with frog-like features, or is he green, with web-footed, and leaving puddles all across the dance floor?

Then it came to me. If I was in wonderland, anything was possible. Miss Annabelle was having her dream living in one of her stories, so who knows what the widow was dreaming about when she found my frog in her bed? Perhaps this was her dream? (What do you say, Listener? Why would a young and beautiful widow dream of a frog? Might be on account the young men around her look all ugly as you?) But I thought that if they were having their dreams come true, there must be something [here] for me too… and I went looking for it[. I] thought I ought to find [that] magic crayon [,too]. I had the thought that maybe he was the one that [had] made [all of this] possible…

I turned around towards the entrance door, and there stood my yellow crayon, only he was no longer a tiny winged crayon. He was a full-size wizard, pointed hat and all. Honest to God, Listener. A real wizard! He wore a bright yellow robe and held his wand in his left hand[,] while his other hand pointed to the middle of the room. I looked there.

A young woman stood by herself, holding a baby in her arms. She was dressed in tattered clothes, [and] her hair covered with an old scarf. I could see [that] she was crying. Even if I wanted to tell you why Her eyes were so swollen she could hardly see - I couldn't. I thought I knew her, but as I came closer, I realized she was a stranger; never seen her around before. She looked frightened and peeked over her shoulder every now and then.

When I finally decided to talk to herI wanted to go talk to her, but as soon as I started to move toward her a man came running from the kitchen corner. He had a small box in his hand[,] which he handed to the woman. HE was someone I knew very well - the son of the richest man in the province - Jake Love. He said nothing, just gave the baby the eye, touched him and then disappeared amidst the crowds at the other end of the room.

What was in the box, you ask? I was wondering about it myself[. I]t had a yellow glow to it, and everybody in the room seemed to be looking that way, but I was more curious to find out why I was here. I turned and started to walk away when I heard a sharp cry coming from the woman. Turning back, I saw her crouching on the floor, the baby [still] clasped to her chest and a puddle of blood coming from underneath her.

She looked pale and fragile, and I knew she was [dying]. Don't ask me how I knew itI don’t know how I knew it, I just did. I could smell death [in the air] right there and then, and the wizard was standing close by. With her last breath she handed me the box and said in the flimsiest voice "This is his. Be good to him… give him to a good family… he's of good stock and one day… one day… her last breath came out as a low moan, and she died right there, still holding the baby in her arms.

Of course I took the box. A dying wish is sacred, isn’t it? The wizard picked up the baby and gave him to me. I went to find Miss Annabelle. She would know what to do. When she saw me, she came forward and took the baby, which was a relief, because he was all wet and smelly. I told her about the baby's mother and Miss Annabelle went to see the woman. She lay in a still spreading pool of scarlet, her face frozen in its agony. When Miss Annabelle was satisfied that the mother was indeed dead as I said, she wanted to know if the woman gave me anything money, perhaps a letter or a family heirloom by which the baby could be identified. I gave her the box and while handing it to her I saw that something was engraved on it. Couldn't read it [though, ‘cause it wasn’t] facing me.

Miss Annabelle went back to her chair, put the baby into it and opened the box. Out came a packet of letters tied with a pink ribbon, one gold dollar and a horseshoe. My horseshoe. I could identify it anywhere…

The wizard gave me a wink and disappeared. I [guess now I] knew why he went to all the trouble of bringing me to Wonderland.

What was my horseshoe doing in that box, you ask? I didn't know then, but I know now. That's why I said it was all big trouble… No, I'm not crying… why should I cry? I'm happy! Had an adventure… met the wizard… In my dream… went to wonderland… what did I get? Something nice? Something I wanted? No! Found who my bloody father was! Forget the name Horseshoe! It ain't mine. Kevin Love… written on the box… I don't want to be Kevin Love… That yellow crayon started it all! When I told Miss Annabelle about my dream, she went to her chest, got out a box. In it was a packet of letters tied with a pink ribbon which she handed to me and said, "This is your dream! Now go claim your heritage!"

What do you mean you don't believe me? You think I'm just a good for nothing boy who lives in a whorehouse? And what are these? And I handed him my father's letters, tied nicely with a pink ribbon.

I must have wanted all my life to find my true parents, and the most amazing thing was that I never realized it until that Listener said I was lying about who I really was.



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Review by Karl Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (4.0)
Short but poignant. Kinda makes you sound like a stalker, though. Nyuck, nyuck.


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Review of Pillars Of Stone  Open in new Window.
Review by Karl Author IconMail Icon
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Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
Hi Kas, how are you? I am glad to know that this poem was recognized and awarded, as it is a deep and somber poem that is worthy of note. I enjoy the flow of the words and the way that your rhymes play off of each other. The poem makes me lament for the loss of potential, as I always do when faced with such subject matter. We all come into this world with so much potential, but many of us find that it turns to ashes through circumstances of fate and by way of our own indiscriminate decisions. I hope that this piece does not hit too close to home for you, and if it does, then I empathize with you. Good luck in all that you do, and keep up the good work. Also, do not believe that your words of wisdom have fallen on deaf ears, as I am currently involved in rewriting The Light of Berylon (hopefully into a much more enticing format). Peace be with you.



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Review of The Reaper  Open in new Window.
Review by Karl Author IconMail Icon
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Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Creepy! This short story flows very well, and I enjoyed the plot twist at the end very much. If I were to add anything, it would be a bit of description of the narrator. It wasn't until she spoke to the landlord's daughter that I realized that she was female, and there wasn't really anything else to give me a sense of who she was. Aside from that, it is a very good story and an entertaining read. Good job.

Karl Author IconMail Icon


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Review of Misty Morning...  Open in new Window.
Review by Karl Author IconMail Icon
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Rated: E | (5.0)
Ohhhhhh, how heartbreaking! Oh, I can almost feel their sorrow and pain at the loss of their children; see their tears. This is very good. Heartbreaking, but very good. The only change I might make would be to change kids to children. Aside from that, well, I am glad that I was privileged to read this.

This is my final review to complete your package. The other two pieces I did a fair bit of editing on. The point was not to criticize, but to assist you and hopefully improve the work, as well as help you develop as a writer. As I mentioned before, I am far from being an expert, and if any of my suggestions seem to fall flat feel free to discard them. Good luck in your future endeavors, and keep on writing!



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Review by Karl Author IconMail Icon
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Rated: E | (4.0)
Good. This is flash fiction, so I know that you have to make every word count. Keep that in mind when you are writing these things. Make each word earn its place in your story, so to speak.

"Wake Up," the alarm on Carly's phone blared. It was 6 A.M. She pulled the sheets around her tighter and put her [hand] to find the beeping phone. She pressed the snooze button, but didn't go back to sleep. She had always felt safer under the blanket, as though it was a bullet proof cover or some kind of [an] invisibility cloak. From experience she knew, hiding was never the solution to a problem. She slowly and reluctantly pushed herself out of bed.
The underlined bit is passive. Start it "She knew from experience that".

After changing and putting on her running shoes, she drank a quick sip from the bottle of water. She locked her door and sprinted down the sidewalk leading to the park nearby. Scenes from her past kept coming up as she ran now in a steady pace. She knew that no matter how inspired or strong she felt at times, something about her past broke her down very easilycontinued to haunt her. She wanted this fear to end and the only solution she could gather was to stand firm and never run away from it.
I think that this should be reworded. Perhaps "Traumatic scenes of her past flashed through her mind as she ran."

Carly got back home, she showered[,] and changed to her formals. As she drove to work, a colorful ice cream truck drove past her and suddenly a sweet childhood memory triggered a revelation that brightened her lifetriggered a sweet childhood memory that wasn't tainted by the fear that now gripped her. A faint smile crossed her lips.

"Whenever life gives me hundred things to fear or worry about, there isare always a thousand more things to be happy about."






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Review of Stuck...  Open in new Window.
Review by Karl Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (4.0)
I like the thought behind this poem, but I'm not sure that it really flows in the way that you may want it to. Now, I don't know if there is some style or form that you are trying to follow, but if I were writing this I would make the following changes:


I'm stuck in the traffic,
but there's no need to panic.

And you're wondering why,
I just gaze at the sky.

You rage, full of anger,
While I smile at a stranger.

And here we both sit, a dozen cars apart,
When something about my smile strikes in your heart.

Clearing your head, you think of your boss,
pretty sure that today will be a huge loss.

Unwittingly, you look at me with straining eyes,
You gasp and feel your heart start to rise .

You hide behind the wheel and secretly smile,
while I, your boss, am now stuck in a snow pile.

Of course, I am just a lay man as far as poetry is concerned, but I hope that this helps a bit. Feel free to ignore it if you so choose, but that's my opinion, and I'm stickin' to it *Smile*.


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Review of Just $29.95  Open in new Window.
Review by Karl Author IconMail Icon
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Rated: 18+ | (4.5)
I am drawing the shades, unplugging the television, and putting child safety locks on the drawers, you sicko. And hey, this is my hallucination, so stay out! *Laugh* I hope you have a happy birthday, you twisted little... Oh, just kidding. Good story. Do you have a collection of the little gems? It does seem perfect for a small volume of short horror stories. I am glad I continued on (even though the Weeen Weeeen is still echoing through the darkest recesses of my mind because of you!)

** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **


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Review of Hope Defiant  Open in new Window.
Review by Karl Author IconMail Icon
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Rated: E | (5.0)
I can understand why they wanted to print this, and why it garnered you the position that you now hold. Excellent work! I am thankful that hope has many voices...


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Review of The Mask  Open in new Window.
Review by Karl Author IconMail Icon
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Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
This is a bit morbid, but I like it anyway. I always like to see writers exposing fear in their work, because I know that they have invested their work with real emotion. Not some hoighty-toighty crap like first love or well deserved pride in an accomplishment, but real, visceral fear. The kind that wrenches the gut, compresses the bowels, and makes the knees quiver. This is the writer's way of facing his nemesis, the demons of his own imagination. Channeling that fear into your work gives it the power and raw emotion necessary to touch the reader on a deeper level. Good job.



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Review of Falling in Love  Open in new Window.
Review by Karl Author IconMail Icon
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Rated: E | (4.5)
Awww, isn't puppy love great? You left out a "he" before reached to help her up... I know of the word count constraint, so you could cut "And" from the second sentence without distorting the meaning.


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Review of Doubt  Open in new Window.
Review by Karl Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with Let's help each other grow...  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (4.5)
Ah, but for some of us the long, dark winter of the writer's soul never lifts. Such tragedy to see that happen. Life does get in the way, but the soul of creativity can endure only so much repression before it bursts forth in a majestic display of light and sound that deafens readers and critics alike (can't you almost see your muse, in all of its glory?).

Doubt is undoubtedly the most virulent bane of writers the world over. This is why we so crave the acceptance of our peers here on WDC, and dream of the day that we achieve publication. For us, publication is vindication that our work truly is worthwhile, and that we have been accepted with open arms.

A writer's imagination is his/her best friend and mortal enemy, simultaneously. It can imagine all possible outcomes, from book signings and world-wide acclaim and movie deals to ridicule and ostracism and true enmity for having the audacity to put such ideas into words. We must use the fear, lest it overcome us. We must pour it back into our work; that visceral fear that has no name, only a description of its gut-wrenching torment. That fear is what seeds our work with raw emotion, and that raw emotion is what elevates the work to the point where we need no longer worry about it.


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Review by Karl Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with Let's help each other grow...  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (5.0)
Ooohhh!!!! Stop it! You brought tears to my eyes! This is obviously intensely personal and deeply felt, and the emotional connection to the reader was definitely made. I am so sorry that you have endured such pain. I hope that things are better now. Don't forget to listen for the angelic voices...


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Review by Karl Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with Let's help each other grow...  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (4.0)
Interesting. I can buy the idea the all art is deception. A few things here. In your title you forgot an "n" in "and", although ads are probably the greatest of lies to be had (yeah, that Budweiser reeeally came from the side of a glacier). Also, I think that you meant to say sonata in the last paragraph, instead of Sinatra (old Blue Eyes). Anyway, this is a good premise for a piece. In fact, I wrote something similar for a professor in college years ago, and was rewarded with an impressive grade. Keep up the good work, my newbie friend...



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Review by Karl Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
This is a nice reminder to keep the Sabbath holy. I reached this poem as a random review, and I am glad to have done so. May He make you lie down in green pastures and lead you beside the still waters. May he restore your soul.


This is a Power Reviewers Dare review.


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Review by Karl Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: ASR | (4.5)
How very interesting! This piece was written with a cadence that I don't believe I have ever seen before, but I enjoyed it immensely.
Here's one for you in return:
 
STATIC
The Beauty of Life Open in new Window. (E)
A short poem to remind us to cherish every moment.
#1911163 by Karl Author IconMail Icon




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Review by Karl Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: ASR | (5.0)
Very nice! This is a well written, cohesive poem, following rhythm, pitch, and timber all the way through. The subject matter is intriguing, and well described. What else can I say? Great job. The art is nice, too*Smile*


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Review by Karl Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with Let's help each other grow...  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (4.5)
If an inanimate object sits there pondering deep thoughts, I wonder if eventually his thoughts might eventually turn toward divinity... That great green cactus in the sky. There's always fresh water and real soil there (with hardly any sand in it at all). Just an amusing thought. Keep writing and pondering deep thoughts. An imagination that can personify a cactus surely has a future in fantasy. Check out the coffee shop for the fantasy society, or CSFS.



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for entry "Day 27: FFOpen in new Window.
Review by Karl Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with 30 Day Image Prompt Contest Co...  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (4.0)
Magnificent minimalism
Mighty mini


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Review by Karl Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with Let's help each other grow...  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (4.0)
Alright, popeye! I yam what I yam and that's all what I yam, I'm popeye the sailor man! Toot, Toot! LOL. Anyway, I am reviewing for the Let's help each other grow raid, and I happened across your portfolio. I chose you because you were logged in, and I want to review active members. I will move on to your short story. Have a great day, and keep up that stalwart sense of identity.


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Review of Iridescent Wing  Open in new Window.
Review by Karl Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with Let's help each other grow...  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (5.0)
That is a great story, and also a great way to share it. I am glad to know that your luck has turned around, and I hope that it stays on the upswing. I suppose that I would be remiss at this point if I did not say "Nevermore", as there are clear echoes of Poe's The Raven here, but your originality shown through, nonetheless. Good work.

This was a randomly choosen review for LHEOG raid.


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Review of MOVE FORWARD  Open in new Window.
Review by Karl Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with Let's help each other grow...  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (4.5)
Again, another encouraging message of wisdom. I lament with you the loss of your firends and family members. I myself lost my father at 21 years of age, and it is a wound that has not healed in the interveneing 17 years. I hope that it does not, for it keeps him close to me. God bless you, and have a great day.


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