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101 Public Reviews Given
104 Total Reviews Given
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1
1
Review of Poem  Open in new Window.
Review by ystab Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (1.5)
I have found "Poem" Open in new Window. by Melissa Author Icon on the newest static items list that is featured on the main page. In just four lines the narrator tries to tell the reader how he/she has fully lived life. Well, my impression was that these lines were mere slogans. If they were to be true, we would have seen much more imagery, unique imagery that would make us see, hear, feel the dance of true love, for example. Above all that stands a title, which I find rather neutral, perhaps mundane. Don't get me wrong, short poems can say a lot more than the few lines they are written in, but for that to happen the poem must be, as Samuel Taylor Coleridge said, the best words in their best order.

Two things I found worth noting are the pattern in which the lines are written, which is nice and puts the poem in a framework, and also the metaphor of the dance of true love, which grabbed my attention. I did feel however, that danced the dance, was a bit awkward repetition in such a short poem, and thought maybe gave in to the dance would be more intense. I would also throw a period at the end the final line, just to close the poem.

My favorite part was the first line;
"I danced the dance of true love"

Melissa Author Icon is a newbie here, so I wish her all the best that this site can offer. Write on.
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Review of Violation  Open in new Window.
Review by ystab Author IconMail Icon
Rated: ASR | (4.0)
I was randomly assigned with "Violation" Open in new Window. by spidey Author Icon using the Random Review tool. As its title may imply, this poem portrays the feeling of being violated and it does that by setting a scene of a person at night who is being revoked of anything that is his or him. One might say that this concept for describing a violated person is trite, but some of the words here, in the poem, echoed with a fresher spirit, especially in the first three lines, and that's the part that grabs the reader, the title and the first stanza. Nonetheless, the feeling of violation is definitely conveyed.

As I read through this poem once and twice and more, I could see that feeling of violation in several levels. I could see here a person being raped or being deserted after sharing her most intimate moments, I could see here a person being betrayed in general and I could see a person being cheated on. On a national level, I could see a nation under war and oppression, especially with the first line being A territorial invasion. I could also think of it as political corruption, especially with the line Corruption and deceit lay before me. in the second stanza. Some would say that this option to interpret the poem in many ways is a good thing, since that way every reader can experience the poem differently.

The reading of this free verse poem flowed well, line breaks in place and stanzas divided well. There was one place, though, where the word usage was off, in my opinion: The miscreants stole into me. Can one steal into? Maybe break into would fit better, given that in the next line those miscreants took what was mine.

My favorite part was the first line:
"A territorial invasion"

Keep on showing those emotions, spidey Author Icon.


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" Open in new Window..
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Review of The Light  Open in new Window.
Review by ystab Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (3.0)
I came to read "The Light" Open in new Window. by KimbleBug Author Icon as I scanned her portfolio for a reciprocal review. This poem about finding God, as the writer states in the brief description line, made me think about redemption and whether one can be redeemed only by introspection, without finding the way to correction or forgiveness and acceptance.

What do I mean by introspection without finding the way to correction or forgiveness? The poem uses the image of light that penetrated to the narrator's soul and made her/him (from now on I'll refer to the narrator as a woman, just to make it simple, but in the poem itself it can be read as either a man or a woman; I apologize to the writer if she meant otherwise) see how flawed she was. The narrator also says that the light had irreversibly changed her, but she doesn't mention how. Therefore, I must assume that the light had changed her only by showing her how flawed she was. That is definitely a part of redemption, but if it stands alone, it's meaningless, because redemption should make you stronger. In my opinion, redemption cannot be completed without the pursuit of correction of one's ways or without forgiveness and pardon. These last things were absent from the poem, and therefore I think it is somewhat incomplete.

Seeing the light is a bit of a trite metaphor, but since the writer has extended this metaphor to using the light for introspection, it gives it a new face, to which I could especially relate when the imagery was more tangible and less abstract.

Regarding form, the rhymes, which are executed two by two, are all in all good. The middle part of the poem gets the reading in gear, as the long lines are split in two. Speaking of this part, it contains six consecutive lines starting with the word The, and that's a bit distracting. I think some of these line can lose that word.

My favorite part of the poem was the seventh and eighth lines:
"The challenges I refused to take as I sat and trembled in fear,
The words I can’t take back and the cowardly, pitiful tears."

Nice job, KimbleBug Author Icon, and keep writing. Just make sure you rate your item with content rating ("Content Rating System (CRS)" Open in new Window.), so it would get more exposure.
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Review of And it was good  Open in new Window.
Review by ystab Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (4.5)
I have found "And it was good" Open in new Window. by proverbsgal Author Icon scrolling down through the Nature genre list. As I read this poem about the biblical creation, I pictured a theater stage, still not lit, with a voice starting to read the poem aloud. With every word said, I could see an actor, or a dancer, performing a single move, a bit like the He Had It Coming number on Chicago musical. With every stanza ending, it was quiet and dark again.

The title of the poem surely alludes to the creation and concludes the poem with its most cheering part – And it was good. Actually, it took me a while to get it because I'm used to reading the creation story in another language, and the version I know in English says: And God saw that it was good. Maybe such title would fit better, I don't know.

The poem stimulates the reader's sense of sound, with onomatopoeic words at the beginning of each part of the creation. Towards the end, when the part of the creation of man is due, there is a deviation from form. I can't really tell why that was done, but it sure makes the creation of man stand out more than other creations. I would, however, suggest the writer that he would end that stanza, the same way other stanzas end, with one word for each line – Dust / Bone / Flesh instead of Dust, bone, flesh.

One interesting thing is that God is missing from this poem, except for a slight reference, In our image, that appears in the part about the creation of man. Is it by chance? I don't think so. Perhaps this is why the title is the way it is. Moreover, man is portayed here as the Crown of Creation – creation like no other, implying maybe that the world was created by man, rather than God, but on the other hand, man is not mentioned explicitly either, so I guess it is the reader's job to figure that out.

Well, it was a good read and an interesting perspective regarding creation, as it appears in the Bible.


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" Open in new Window..
5
5
Review of Beginning to End  Open in new Window.
Review by ystab Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (3.5)
I've found the poem "Beginning to End" Open in new Window. by Sing Me A Story Author Icon on "Please Review" Open in new Window.. It deals with man's destruction of God's creation, starting with a strong reference to the creation story, as appears in Genesis, and continuing with the negligent behavior of mankind towards the planet years later. Its advantage, I think, is in the contrast, almost as a mirror, between the Godly creation story, depicted in the first half, and the manmade destruction in the second half.

The title of this poem implies of a story, perhaps a fairy tale, but my oh my, that fairy tale has a bitter end. It also takes the reader hand in hand, promising that it would guide him through this poem, and indeed it does – the poem unfolds with each stanza, from the promising beginning to the miserable ending. Not only that, but also the first stanza begins with the words In the beginning and the final two lines of the last stanza begin with the words The end.

The most prominent contrast was between the second and fifth stanzas. Using the same pattern, the poet substituted the words that described Nature, from prosperous and bright descriptions to grim and sad. This emphasized the damage man has inflicted on Nature. This was also the part with most imagery in the poem. However, there were some jarring descriptions, like fine valleys (How can the reader picture that?) and long seasons (Is that necessarily a good thing?) in these lines, so this could use a tweak.

The poem consists of six quatrains with an aabb rhyme scheme and no meter that I could tell. My impression was that these six quatrains were set in opposite pairs, and that was lovely – the first and the last stanza with the beginning and the end, showing God's point of view, the second and fifth with the description of Nature's finest and worst moments, and the third and fourth with the mission and the failure to accomplish it. The rhymes are not bad at some points, but there are some glitches. In one place, for example, the two first lines of the fourth stanza end with route and devote, which do not rhyme. In some other, the rhymes don't match because of different stressing, like all and downfall in the last stanza.

Regarding language usage, I have found some minor errors, like miraculous instead of miraculously and cleans instead of clean.

My favorite part of the poem was these two lines from the fifth stanza:
"The hills, they are sick and soon to die.
The trees we cut down, and rivers dry."

Nice job, Sing Me A Story Author Icon, and keep writing.


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" Open in new Window..
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6
Review of Winter Storm  Open in new Window.
Review by ystab Author IconMail Icon
Rated: ASR | (4.5)
Dear R. Walter Smith Author Icon,

I found this poem as I read some reviews on the public reviews page, and thought to review it myself.

Overall Impression: So much ire does this rough-weather, well-written poem convey, and one can't really expect it to be otherwise with the given circumstances.

Title
Things I approve: The title fits the poem well. It serves as a nice background for all that is taking place in the poem.
Things to improve: This comment refers to the description line, though not an integral part of the poem. I would use desertion instead of betrayal, because the poem doesn't tell the reader enough information, in my opinion, for it to be regarded as dealing with betrayal.

Content
Things I approve:
1. I loved the concept of anger and pain expressed at a deserting loved one in a harsh winter storm. It was well executed.
2. Nice imagery going on in the first to lines of the second stanza.
Things to improve:
1. In the second stanza, I felt as if thinking was a filler word. Was that what the narrator doing with his/her woes?
2. I found Enjoying my last breath quite peculiar and asked myself whether the narrator really was enjoying his last breath, with all this storm and sense of desertion.

Form
Things I approve: Fine execution of the ballad meter. (Now I know how this meter is called *Smile*)

Language
Things I approve: Didn't spot any language errors.
Things to improve: One tiny suggestion, though. How about replacing and in the third line of the final stanza (double and), perhaps with with?

Favorite part:
"My feet trudge on through snow and sleet
While frost bites off my toes."

I look forward to seeing more of your writing.

Yours,
         ystab


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" Open in new Window..
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Review of Winter  Open in new Window.
Review by ystab Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (1.5)
Dear Nicci Author Icon,

I saw your request for review at the Review Request Page.

Overall impression: Worn out clichés about winter.

Title
Things I approve: A concise title that matches the content.

Content
Things I approve: The only line I found somewhat new is the fourth line, cited below as the favorite part.
Things to improve:
1. There is hardly anything refreshing in this poem, neither in content nor in form. Again winter is described with shorter days and colder nights, when everything goes to sleep until it awakes in the spring.
2. The sleep of Nature is twice referred to as slumber in this short poem. Try using other words.

Form
Things I approve: There is nothing much to say about form in this six-line, free-verse poem. Line breaks are properly used.

Language
Things to improve:
1. I think Queen of the darkness should be Queen of Darkness.
2. The word Into in the fifth line should be uncapitalized.
3. Consider adding some punctuation, at least a full stop at the end of the final line.

Favorite part: "Casting her icy fingers over the land"

I look forward to seeing more of your writing.

Yours,
         ystab
8
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Review of Prisoner of War  Open in new Window.
Review by ystab Author IconMail Icon
Rated: ASR | (2.0)
Dear J. Check Author Icon,

Overall Impression: While the helplessness is evident, the monologue doesn't really provide the glimpse it should to the world of a son, whose father was captured.

Title
Things I approve: The title fits the monologue well.

Content
Things I approve: The helplessness of the narrator is felt.
Things to improve:
1. The fact that this monologue is short does not benefit it. The monologue, as I see it, tries to say a lot of things about this complex experience, but with so few words and without anything written between the lines (as far as I could tell), it looks messy.
2. I did not understand the ending. What does that 'beat' mean? Does the boy shout "Dad?" If yes, it should appear with quotation marks.
3. The 'if I do' part can be interpreted in two ways: if he goes to the battlefront and if he brings Dad back. You should clarify that.

Structure
Things I approve: The short, staccato sentences fit the character of the disoriented boy.
Things to improve: The paragraphing, on the other hand, is not good. Not every second sentence should end with a line break. In order to express an idea more coherently you should actually bring sentences together and not apart.

Language
Things to improve:
1. Capitalize the word 'Dad'.
2. If the father is a prisoner of war, he is still assumed to be alive, therefore the narrator shouldn't talk about him in the past tense. For example: He was a good man.
3. "It might drive me insane" – no one talks like that. Consider "It drives me insane."
4. I don't think it is believable that a child would refer to his mother as 'she' before everyone knows he's talking about her.

Favorite part: "I want to go to the battlefront and bring Dad back."

I look forward to seeing more of your writing.

Yours,
         ystab

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9
9
Review by ystab Author IconMail Icon
Rated: ASR | (3.5)
Dear Sprocket06 Author Icon,

Overall Impression: This poem, which compares the wanderer in the waste land with the straying soul, starts off a bit awkwardly, but ends with a soothing and optimistic tone of this state's temporariness.

A proper disclosure: I haven't read The Waste Land (I just read a little bit about it from Wikipedia), so I cannot comment on the intertextuality of this piece with it. Any comment I do write here, in fact ignores the allusion, and should be read accordingly.

Title
Things I approve: The title seems okay, even though I'm not sure it is the best you can come up with. Perhaps the repetitive line 'Empty Plains' should serve as the title.

Content
Things I approve: I really liked the idea of the poem as a whole. The metaphor of the empty plains is strong and vivid, and the ending, or conclusion, is even better, as it grants the reader the hope that wandering is a temporary state, crucial to build oneself.
Things to improve: The first stanza seems to contradict itself and the title. If the plains are empty, how can grass wave in the wind? If there is no water, how can there be snow? In order to convey the sense of chill, you should associate it with things other than snow (for example, withdrawal into oneself and reduction to minimum). In this poem, chill should not be automatically associated with snow.

Form
Things I approve: The repetition of the line 'Empty plains' enhances the feeling of wandering. Wherever the narrator goes he cannot avoid empty plains and the loneliness.
Things to improve: Even though Eliot explained his allusions and metaphors in The Waste Land, I think a poet should not explain the poem. A poem should stand on its own, and if the reader is clever enough to notice such intertextuality, it is his gain. So, I think that the quote should not appear between quotation marks and that the comment at the end is unnecessary.

Language
Things to improve:
1. The third and fourth lines of the last stanza sound grammatically awkward. Consider revising them.
2. If you decide to keep the comment at the end, have in mind that Eliot's poem is titled The Waste Land and not The Wasteland.

Favorite part:
"But everyone must wander
Alone for a time. "

I look forward to seeing more of your writing.

Yours,
         ystab

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10
10
Review by ystab Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (3.0)
Dear Magoo Author Icon,

Overall Impression: A cute poem about the love of one winged creature to another in spite of the sheer difference between them.

Title
Things to improve: The title, which is in the third person POV doesn't match the first person POV in the poem.

Content
Things I approve: I really liked how the differences between the bat and the butterfly were accentuated.
Things to improve:
1. There are several lines that don't add any content value to the poem and seem to be there only to rhyme the preceding line. For example: "And adores beautiful things."
2. Also, there is a line that doesn't make sense: "While mine (my dance) resembles leather." How can a dance resemble leather?

Form
Things I approve:
1. The pattern of seven syllables in every line is good.
2. The rhyming couplets, which are common in children songs and nursery rhymes, add another element of cuteness to the poem.
Things to improve: There is one couplet that doesn't rhyme (belfry:me). Notice that when the last foot is trochaic, both syllables of the foot must rhyme, as you did with leather and feather (brother, for example, doesn't rhyme here).

Language
Things to improve:
"Nor my dreaming to elope."
dreaming *Right* dream
I know it disrupts the syllable count but it's simply wrong.

Favorite part:
"I bring her some tasty bugs,
She looks at my gift and shrugs."

I look forward to seeing more of your writing.

Yours,
                             ystab

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11
11
Review by ystab Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (2.5)
Dear Redtowrite Author Icon,

Overall Impression: Unfortunately, this piece, touching as it may be, cannot be considered as a short story.

Title
Things to improve:
1. In my opinion, the title of a literary piece on its own should not make a statement. A good title is a title that makes a statement through its interaction with the text. Notice that the only place, in which the element of roses with thorns appears, is the title.
2. In the item's description you write that the friendship between the women is unlikely. I cannot figure out why.

Plot
Things I approve: This tale of two women touched me. It is really hard and sad to watch someone dying, especially when all you can do is to ease his/her pain.
Things to improve: A major component of a short story is the conflict. Conflicts are the things that push us (and the characters) forward. This story does not seem to have a conflict (and thus cannot be considered as a short story).

Characters
Things I approve: The characters are believable and I could easily relate to them.
Things to improve: The characters do not seem to develop. One of the reasons is that there is no conflict.

Structure
Things I approve: Starting with the present and then intertwining the background is a smart move.
Things to improve:
1. However, the transition from the background back to the present is not smooth.
2. Many line breaks aren't in place.

Language
Things to improve: This piece should be proofread for grammatical errors and punctuation.

Favorite part: "Suddenly, I saw a glow from under Pam's door. I opened it and her room was flooded with light. The pain pump was silent. Ted was quiet as he held her hand. Pam looked ethereal, peaceful, pure and innocent."

I look forward to seeing more of your writing.

Yours,
ystab
12
12
Review by ystab Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (3.5)
Dear iluvsimone,

First of all, I would like to welcome you to Writing.Com. I am sure you will find whatever it is you are looking for here.

Overall Impression: While the poem's beginning and end are strong, its middle is quite messy.

Title
Things I approve: The title is intriguing, slightly teasing, and fits the poem well. Its meaning is enhanced after reading the final lines of the poem. Well done.

Content
Things I approve: The reader is guided through the poem to reach its pinnacle – one must die to be reborn.
Things to improve: There are points in which it is not clear who performs the action, particularly in the middle. Also, in the beginning of the poem the narrator refers to 'thee' and later the reference turns to 'we' (us). This adds to the confusion and mess mentioned above.

Form
Things I approve: The rhyming scheme is good. It doesn't sound forced and adds grace to the poem.
Things to improve:
1. The flow of the poem is not good. For example, some lines in the poem go off beat – in most of the lines the accent is on the second syllable, but in some lines (3,13,18) the accent is on the first syllable.
2. Dividing the poem into five quatrains might put some order in this messy poem.

Language
Things to improve: The heavy punctuation is a nuisance. Punctuation should be used moderately and not at the end of every line.

Favorite part:
"How cunning are those leaves,
Falling from the trees."

I look forward to seeing more of your writing.

Yours,
ystab
13
13
Review by ystab Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (4.0)
Dear Stanley P. Faltz Author Icon,

Overall Impression: The lack of a strong statement writes off the outstanding portrayal of Nature in the poem.

Title
Things I approve: The title fits the poem well.

Content
Things I approve: You have an exceptional ability to depict Nature in its utmost splendor. Well done.
Things to improve: It is a pity that this ability goes to waste when there is no bottom line in the poem. What is this poem's statement? Do you want it to say how wondrous Nature is? Do you want it to say how terrifying this scene is? Write it!

Form
Things I approve: The line breaks are in place.
Things to improve:
1. The second stanza cannot stand on its own. It should be combined with the first stanza.
2. Lose the double spacing. It is very unpleasant to read a poem like that.

Language
Things I approve: The wording of the first two stanzas is perfect. In the third stanza it is not bad.
Things to improve: I don't like the word 'nightsong'. I think something classic (opera, for example) completes it better.

Favorite part:
"A perfect white circle is cut out

of the ebony night sky."

I look forward to seeing more of your writing.

Yours,
ystab
14
14
Review of Rain  Open in new Window.
Review by ystab Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (4.0)
Dear Stanley P. Faltz Author Icon,

Overall Impression: Fine, well-crafted metaphors with a somewhat baffling ending.

Title
Things to improve: To be specific, the poem talks about the action of raining, rather than the rain itself. You can see that through the extensive verbs ending with 'ing'.

Content
Things I approve: I absolutely love the way you depict the sound of raining. These figurative metaphors really snatch the reader into the poem.
Things to improve: The tone of the final stanza doesn't make sense to me. If the narrator thinks negatively about the rain, why would he describe it in such an inspiring way? I would expect a person who thinks so to describe the tapping rain as a jackhammer gone out of control.

Form
Things I approve: Each stanza of the first three stanzas lays its layer by bringing a different metaphor regarding the pounding rain and by its similar form. This builds a firm and cohesive poem.
Things to improve: There is a redundant line break between the third and fourth lines of the first stanza.

Language
Things I approve: The words in the poem are concise.
Things to improve:
1. What is the meaning of the semi-colon in second stanza?
2. Consider replacing the word 'team' in the first and third stanzas with words more relevant to the group (troupe, group, squad, etc.)

Favorite part:
"The rhythmic rapping and unisonal
tapping
sounds like a choreographed number
from West Side Story."

I look forward to seeing more of your writing.

Yours,
ystab
15
15
Review of The Master  Open in new Window.
Review by ystab Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (2.0)
Dear winterlady Author Icon,


First of all, I would like to welcome you to Writing.Com. I am sure you will benefit from what this community has to offer.

Overall Impression: The passion is evident, but the rest is abstruse.

Title
Things I approve: The title fits the poem well by presenting its subject.
Things to improve: The description line is a window to the poem, though it is not an actual part of it. This line often accompanies the title on this site in order to seize the attention of readers. Therefore, repeating the title in the description line doesn't really assist the poem. I recommend you write a felicitous line that will deliver the mood of the poem. Just keep in mind that the poem should stand on its own, without any external explanations. Personally, I write the first words of my poem in the description line.

Content
Things I approve: The passion between the narrator and the master is evident.
Things to improve: Other than the passion, I don't understand what the poem tries to convey. How does the fact that "his shirt was green" contributes to the meaning of the poem? What does it mean that "he was the master of us both but mostly to me"? Who are 'us'? These issues might be clear to you, but an outside reader cannot, and should not, guess their meaning (or use his imagination). There are cases, in which the poet leaves some gaps for the reader to fill, but this poem doesn't fall into this category.

Form
Things I approve: The recurrence of the second stanza at the end stresses the meaning of that stanza (look also in 'things to improve' under the language section).
Things to improve: It seems like the break into stanzas was done arbitrarily. Do you think it is the best way to present the poem.

Language
Things I approve: The punctuation serves the poem well.
Things to improve:
1. Using the same words ('touch', 'me') lowers the level of the poem.
2. I don't know if it is intentional, but the final stanza's wording differs from the wording in the second stanza. This difference does not serve the poem well nor does it make the poem more profound.

Favorite part:
"He gathered in my soul,
and he touched me
body to body."

Remember that this is merely my opinion and my point of view.

I look forward to seeing more of your writing.

Yours,
ystab
16
16
Review of One Word  Open in new Window.
Review by ystab Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Dear palomanegra,

Overall Impression: A sweet story, all in all written well, about finding the courage to act after years of paralysis.

Title
Things I approve: The title is good. Fits the story.
Things to improve: I haven't resolved yet, though, if the title 'Stay' fits the story better.

Content
Things I approve: I liked that the story was told in a third person POV, yet through Michael's eyes.
Things to improve: The story isn't very innovative and the ending is quite predictable. There are hundreds of stories about finding the courage to act. What makes this story unique?

Structure
Things I approve: The story consists of only three scenes. No redundant actions.
Things to improve: There is nothing wrong about how the story breaks up, but I thought it might be better to start with the present (first and third paragraphs of the last part) and make past parts memories.

Characters
Things I approve: Michael's son accentuates his father's paralysis through contrast - simply by the book.

Language
Things I approve: Generally good.
Things to improve: Scan the story for typos, especially in the second paragraph.

Favorite part: "But he just sat there gripping the steering wheel until his knuckles turned white."

I look forward to seeing more of your writing.

Yours,
ystab
17
17
Review of The Letter "C"  Open in new Window.
Review by ystab Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (4.0)
Dear Ender's Army Author Icon,

First of all, welcome to writing.com.

Overall Impression: A sweet nursery rhyme that ignores what happens to 's' when it precedes some vowels.

Title
Things I approve: The title is okay, not more and not less.

Content
Things I approve: Your poem is simple as a nursery rhyme should be. I think every toddler can understand it. Well done on that account.
Things to improve: Well, it's not really an error, just something to think about. Let me remind you that when 's' appears before certain vowels, it sounds like a 'z', so recent developments will receive indignation and rice will be seen an upper level.

Form
Things I approve: The rhymes flow well.
Things to improve: Consider adding the words 'it in' after the word 'use' in line 7 for a better flow in reading the poem aloud. It also sounds grammatically better.

Language
Things I approve: As I wrote above, simple languange for children. This is one of the keys for a great nursery rhyme.
Things to improve:
Line 8: through *Right* throw.

Favorite part: "And using C now seems like a krime"

Tip: Set your item's content rating and title rating on E. When your item has no content rating, members with content filters will not see it, and you will get less exposure. Remember, setting a proper content rating helps you get the right people to read your work.

I look forward to seeing more of your writing.

Yours,
ystab
18
18
Review of Porcelain Doll  Open in new Window.
Review by ystab Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (3.0)
Dear endless_night6 Author Icon,

First of all, welcome to writing.com. Feel free to enjoy what this site has to offer. And now, to the review...

Overall Impression: A frozen moment, almost eternal, that can be interpreted in too many ways.

Title
Things I approve: Good title. I like short titles that are to the point.

Content
Things I approve:
1. The poem is touching and evokes great empathy with the doll.
2. The stillness and tranquility of the scene is wonderfully portrayed. When I first read it, I could easily hear a lullaby coming out of a music box.
Things to improve: This poem can be interpreted in many ways, and in my opinion, too many ways. The first thing that came to my mind as I read the poem was sadness regarding the lifeless object that makes children happy for a short period of time and then dumped for another toy. Later, as I read it for the fourth time, I thought this poem could be a horror poem or even talk about virginity. Consider narrowing (narrowing, not canceling) the readers options of interpretation.

Form
Things to improve:
1. I don't like your rhyming. First, I couldn't understand what rhyming scheme you used. Second, in some places it sounded forced, or the word you came up with seemed to fill up spaces (see line 4). Third, the last stanza has no rhymes at all. Usually, I like poems with patterns and the breaking of them, but here it doesn't suit the poem.
2. In some places the beat is quite off, even though the syllable count is the same.

Language
Things to improve:
1. Consider using punctuation at line ends. You will be surprised to see how much meaning it can add to a poem.
2. In line 8, consider adding an article (a/the) before sleeping. It sounds better and also helps the syllable count.

Favorite part:
"In a wooden box lined with velvet
Her porcelain skin remains unmarred"

Once again welcome, and I look forward to seeing more of your writing.

Yours,
ystab
19
19
Review of Roadside bomb  Open in new Window.
Review by ystab Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (2.5)
Dear Martin Edward Johnson Author Icon,

Overall impression: A painful matter expressed in an unpretentious way. The rocky rhythm gave a clue about the rocky road the convoy must have gone through.

Title
Things I approve: Without the title, the poem itself can describe a variety of incidents. The title puts the succeeding words into context and offers a particular experience.

Conent
Things I approve: I truly cherish the topic and the tribute itself. The relatively simple vocabulary allows it to touch anyone.
Things to improve:
1. There are some dreadful clichés you could have avoided. The one that sticks out the most is:
"My pain was more than I thought I could take,
My tears were something that I could not fake,"
Consider omitting this couplet, especially when the following couplet says the same thing:
"My injuries were more than I could withstand,"
2. Consider shifting into a second person point of view. In my opinion, it evokes much more emotion and empathy.

Form
Things I approve:
1. The form of rhyming couplets adds to the simplicity of the poem.
2. I liked the pattern you used here, that every line starts with 'My'.
Things to improve: The rhythm of your poem is terrible. It barely flows and I had to stop and re-read several lines. Check out this line:
"My world suddenly began to shiver and shake,
"
This line is way off beat. Try counting syllables; it might help you.

Language
Things to improve:
1. Capitalize 'bomb' in the title.
2. 'was shook' should be 'was shaken'.
3. I'm not sure about that, but 'when I realized he'd died'.

Favorite line(s):
My convoy continued to roll down the street,
My orders were to engage any threat we meet,

Keep writing about the sacrifice and courage of the soldiers.

Take care,
ystab
20
20
Review of Beautiful Site  Open in new Window.
Review by ystab Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (2.5)
Dear OKi Author Icon,

Here is my review of your poem:

Overall impression: A beach scenery description with too many cliches.

Title
Things I approve:
Nice title, but...
Things to improve:
I'm not sure it was the best title you could pick. How about 'With You' as a title?

Content
Things to improve:
The beach description in your poem is nothing but worn out cliches. I saw nothing special from you as a poet regarding the content.

Form
Things I approve:
I liked the repetitive structure of your poem and the twist you made in the final verse.

Language
Things I approve:
I found your use of language flawless.

Favorite line(s): Well, there weren't many to choose from, but I will have to go with the final verse, even though it is abstract -

A beautiful site to see,
With you.

I look forward to seeing more of your writing.

Yours,
ystab
21
21
Review of When We Touch  Open in new Window.
Review by ystab Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (2.0)
Dear pamela Author Icon,

Before I get to the review, I would like to welcome you to Writing.com and to wish you the best of luck in your new path.

Overall impression: I find this poem unripe and immature, as if a ten-year-old girl wrote it.

Title
Things I approve:
The title fits the poem well.

Content
Things I approve:
I liked that in the last four lines, the phrase "when we touch" came last, thus ending the poem, as opposed to the rest of the poem, where it came first.
Things to improve:
The imagery in your poem is infinitesimal. Almost all of your descriptions are intangible, let alone colorless.
For example:
"When we touch,
its plain to see.
I know it will always be,
you and me."
The only use of vivid descriptions in your poem is in the phrase "when we touch" and in "like the sun, the moon and the stars at night", while the last one doesn't even describe what it's supposed to describe correctly.

Structure
Things I approve:
1. The first half of your poem and the final four lines run smoothly with a nice tempo.
2. Your rhymes are executed well in the abab scheme.
Things to improve:
1. The second half of your poem goes off beat.
2. Consider splitting the poem into five stanzas of four lines each.

Language
Things to improve:
1. The punctuation in your poem is terrible. There is no such rule that every odd line must end in a comma and every even line with a period. Punctuate the poem where needed and with the right punctuation mark.

For example:
"And if life gets hard,
and it all seems too much.
I know well get thru it,
when we touch."
The period at the end of the second line is grammatically wrong.

2. Why don't you use apostrophes?!
3. I found the vocabulary in your poem plain, nothing extraordinary.

Favorite line: I found no line remarkable or outstanding. *Frown*

I hope you find this review constructive and helpful, even though it presents more things to improve than things to preserve. Remember that this is merely my opinion.

Take care and have a happy Passover/Easter/whatever you wish to celebrate,
ystab
22
22
Review of November  Open in new Window.
Review by ystab Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (3.0)
Dear Al Kelly Author Icon,

First of all, I would like to welcome you to Writing.com. It is great that you have chosen to share your poems with us.

Overall Impression: I feel that this poem doesn't carry any personal input and that it has no statement, even though it has some nice poetic devices.

Title
Things I approve:
The title puts the poem in context and gives it its special meaning.

Content
Things I approve:
I liked the correspondence in the first two lines of first stanza.
Things to improve:
1. As I have written above, the poem lacks, in my opinion, personal input and a statement.
2. Perhaps you meant it to be that way, but the imagery in the poem is too staccato and bulky to me. Consider making it more curved.
For example: "Empty trees" *Right* bare trees, exposed to the chilly wind.

Form
Things I approve:
It might sound like a contradiction to the previous comment, but I like the beat of the second stanza. It flows and it's catchy.
Things to improve:
I can't find any.

Language
Things to improve:
Consider adding periods at the end of each stanza.

Favorite part: "Greet the cold"

I look forward to seeing more of your writing.

Yours,
ystab
23
23
Review of A white kiss  Open in new Window.
Review by ystab Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (2.0)
Dear Tommy99 Author Icon,

First of all, I would like to welcome you here at writing.com. It is great that you have decided to start writing poems and it is even better that you have decided to share them here.

And to the review...

Your poetry, and allow me to make this generalization only by reading your first poem, is in my opinion unripe. It lacks juiciness and seems to be very flat.

Title
Things I approve:
This is a great title! It drew my attention right away and made me want to read more. Well done.
Things to improve:
Just a technical advice: Capitalize also the item's title.

Content
Things to improve:
1. The imagery in your poem is extremely limited. For example:
"Kisses have been romantic"
How romantic have they been? Have they been like a walk on the beach during sunset, like a candle light dinner or by something else you define as romantic?
"Kisses have been nice"
The word 'nice' is vague and amorphous. What should the reader feel when he reads that word, or that line?
2. I hoped you would imply somewhere in the poem what white kisses are but that phrase is still hollow to me. Remember that the readers can't read what's in your head. They can only read what's on the paper (or on the screen, for instance).
3. I failed to understand the transition you made from the first line of the third stanza to the rest of the lines in that stanza. The first line still seems to continue the idea of the previous stanzas, while the other lines are about kisses from someone special.

Mechanics
Things I approve:
I like the format of repeating and then breaking the sequence.
Things to improve:
1. A poet has many tools in his toolbox, with which he uses to deepen his poetry. Learn them and use them.
2. Please refrain double spacing between lines. It makes reading the poem much harder.

Language
Things to improve:
1. Try using some punctuation. You will be surprised to know how punctuation sometimes deepens the meaning of a poem.
2. Sticking to the perfect tense binds you to add the word 'have' throughout the poem. Try using a different tense so you will be able omit this unnecessary word from nearly every line.

Favorite line:
The title "A White Kiss" is by far the best line.

I know it's upsetting when someone tears your poem apart, especially when it's your first piece published, but consider this poem as your baptism of fire in poetry. Don't be disparaged by one little review. You have a lot to learn, but much more to give from yourself, so if you find this review constructive (and I surely hope you do), absorb more from it, and if you don't, you can simply throw it out of the window.

I look forward to seeing more of your writing.

ystab
24
24
Review by ystab Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Dear JoeMayers Author Icon,

You have an interesting story about an interesting subject. I wonder where you got the idea from.

Title
Things I approve: An unusual, intriguing title inviting to read more. Well done!

Content
Things I approve: You go step by step unfolding the story leaving a small (and right) extent of space for questions. Other than that, I thought that seeking death, in the narrator's eyes, meant killing and was surprised to see that what he did was... (I am not a spoiler). Good job on the surprise.
Things to improve: You show in your story an event that changes the main character, but you fail to show the effect it has on him. I suggest you present the whole process of change, or in other words, complete the arc of the character.

Form
Things I approve: The first person point-of-view has a large contribution to the story's effect.

Technical
Things to improve:
VII par - He trod lightly...
The past tense of tread is trod.

Overall
A good, finely built interesting story.

I look forward to seeing more of your short stories.

Yours,
ystab

P.S.
Your story is worth a bit more than 4.0, but I had to round it.
25
25
Review of Together As One  Open in new Window.
Review by ystab Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (4.5)
Dear Isiliel Author Icon,

Wow! What a unique style crafted so well. Where did you get this idea from? Well done.

A little comment: In HIS thoughts the ellipsis ('...') should be after 'for her' instead of before, meaning on the right side.

I look forward to seeing more of your writing.

Yours,
ystab
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