Good poem! I like the way you eased into that transition to your rhyme scheme. That's one thing I liked about it. I also liked the overall message that the poem sends out to all reviewers and writers. It made me afraid to critique it, but once I really thought about it, there was nothing to critique in the first place!
This was amazing! Ha, i laughed at the cleverness and irony. Cows actually taking pride in being raised and slaughtered, and actually having a competitive attitude towards american food consumption. It's just brilliant, and clever. You did an awesome job!
This was absolutely brilliant. The character's fit perfectly to how they are in the books, although i'm interested to know how old they are supposed to be in this one. I loved this.
Keep writing, keep Instant messaging. may the writing force be with you. :)
You're going to do well with your novel. If you kept your new years resolution to watch a movie every week a the theater, and wrote 1,500 words a week, then of course you'll be able to write a novel! I can just tell by the enthusiastic and energetic way you wrote this entry that you will be able to complete your new resolution. Good luck! If you are 100% sure you will do this, I will try to keep myself updated.
-Keep writing, Keep watching movies. May the writing force be with you. :)
This was perfect. It' the best entry I've read all damn day, well done! The dialogue was smooth, and on point. Everything about this is just amazing. This made me laugh like a damn fool.
-Keep writing, keep cussing! May the writing force be with you. :)
It was great; I enjoyed reading this short story. You have done well at the task of grasping the readers attention. Sometimes people have to use a certain symbol to grasp reader attention; you used the amulet that Rajuck had been keeping nestled under his armor as he flee'd from his pursuers. Good job with that.
My suggestions would be to make this chapter a little bit longer; it is a bit short, and more detail behind the story could've been included in this chapter; like a little more about their kingdom, or the kingdom they were about to take over. Also, I'd like to know if this imaginative asset to Jargen's personality will play a big part in the latter.
Some of the dialogue was off. One line went " Listen now to the moment, what I must say." That doesn't sound smooth, it sounds as though you're trying to force these characters to have medieval accents and characteristics, and you're not allowing it to just flow from out of them. You can lead a horse to water, but you can't make it drink. Just let these characters become themselves, don't force it out of them. Let it flow from your heart and drip off of your fingertips.
"And it is for rightenousness that it shall! It shall be ours!" Is another sample of dialogue that didn't roll off of my tongue well.
I hope that you continue with this story, and make it into a short novel soon; I know you can do it. So far, the plot is very interesting; you've created a very interesting protagonist, and the story starts off fast paced, so I can't wait to see what comes next. Please post up your next addition to this story, I'd love to read it; I'm hooked.
-Keep writing; Keep daydreaming! May the writing force be with you. :)
Perfect! It was hilarious, and comical. I couldn't help but feel bad for Sam, being stuck under all of those suits. The end was just ironically funny. I loved this; it was a funny read. The only suggestion I would make would be to take out the 'THE END' part; I don't feel like you should ever put 'the end' to any story, it just isn't needed. I give it a 5, may the writing force be with you.
This was a great read for me. It was touching; it's very easy to understand the dogma of the poem, and you added some nice character circumstances in there. I like the stanza about the depressed man who goes into bars to drink away his problems, thus causing him more. Write on! The force is with you.
This was a funny read. It was short, and simplistic, it made me laugh a little bit. A suggestion would be to maybe elaborate on this dinosaurs life, although it may have been short lived, after being shot down by disgruntled police officers.
Good entry. I like the overall theme of the devil haunting our lives. To me the devil is both a metaphor for all the haunting memories and band circumstances and situations that teens and just people in general go through that make them question whether or not they want to continue living, and in the end you say that either method of killing will still mean that this advocate of tragedy will still have it's way. Well delivered message.
I suggest you just work on your grammar, and also there is one line where you ask "do i dare" dare do what? you should answer that question or else you'd leave the reader a bit confused. You also ask a question but fail to put a question mark. "Am i brave enough to go through with it"
I also suggest that maybe you should try and put an ending that offers a little hope to the reader that this person will have a will buried deep within to carry on, and conquer the devil and overpower it's attempts at savaging and soiling their life. Keep writing! -Will the force be with you. :)
This is amazing. I couldn't turn my eyes away from this excerpt. First off, you have a great way at sorting words so that the reader can visualize everything perfectly. It is also a fast paced action/fantasy, so it's far from boring. The whole story pulls me in from the start. The intro is very appealing to me, because I could see it as though it were the beginning of a movie; a shot of a momentarily peaceful forest, and then, a mounted horse bursting through a clearing. I implore you to publish the rest, I'm interested in reading.
Your metaphors are great. I like your concept of a dream where you are in complete oblivion is on point; at least thats what i got out of this entry. It feels as though at first, it is a dream state of just nothingness, and then from that, it turns into a nightmare when the subconscious pulls out bad memories.
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