I think that you need to make it more clear what these girls were doing with a milk bottle on a rope. I understand that they were on crack, but...
Another suggestion would be for you to change "there" to "they're" to show "they are rocking the truck" (Which I was unsure of whether he was telling that to the police or not."
So, the police handcuffed Jaspher for questioning, sucks for him I suppose. However what happened to the trippin' girls? Did they get away free or were they taken in too?
Also, what made this prefered to people 18 years or older? The use of drugs?
I would also explain more about the ice fishing scene; being from a small town in the middle of North Carolina, I had no clue what it was like trying to walk on ice and why it took 15 minutes to reach the girls.
Ooh, I really like this. Especially the last line but I'm not entirely sure why. It made me feel like I was on a nice, warm island. But I really love your name- Belvedere, I'm not sure if that's your real name but I do know that is the name of a nice brand of Vodka. :]
I thought that everything that you put was accurate however I really wish that you would have put in more details. Overally the depiction of the emotion was rather accurate; I liked it.
I like how your screen name corresponded with your writing. ;]
I thought that your interpretation was accurate and relatable.
The only thing I am unsure of is whethere or not Redness needs to be capitalized, but I do like the writing overall. :3
I agree 100% it's insane because most of the people brag about how they "have 600 friends!" Well how often do you talk to each of them outside of the world wide web? Could you carrry on a legit conversation without "lol" or a winky face? I am a member of facebook and I have around 230 friends, which is more than enough: it takes me long enough to read what they have to say. (A lot of which is useless "single, hmu")
Little does the sister know that her day will soon come, hahaha.
I really liked this one because of the additional character and the imagery that it creates. "Yucky white pus to come shooting out like the fireworks on the fourth of July." made me think of Roman Candle fireworks, as disquisting as that seems. Perhaps my last sentence made you cringe like your story made me. :] You're a good writer who can give creative descriptions, I hope you keep writing. :]
I liked the ryhme scheme because it flowed very well, however it did not take control of the poem; it sounded natural. I think I like the second set best because it is true, greed does (most of the time unknowingly) disrupt mankind. I think that the title fit's well and it did not give the poem away. I hope that you continue writing because this was really well done. :]
I liked the use of the term "bloody muscle" for the heart. It defeated repetition and made me visualize your pain. I didn't understand fully why the heart was lost in the woods, unless it is the idea that areas of the woods look alike and it would be hard to decipher where the heart was put. This poem made me think of a person who had their heart broken and was scared to let that person be a part of their life. Overall, I felt that the poem was written well and was very organized. I hope that you continue writing. :]
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