\"Writing.Com
*Magnify*
SPONSORED LINKS
BY ONLINE AUTHORS
Printed from https://writing.com/main/profile/reviews/kris
Review Requests: ON
74 Public Reviews Given
326 Total Reviews Given
Public Reviews
1
1
Review of Dreamworld  Open in new Window.
Review by kristofer Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (2.5)
The Good

The dialogue and description of character's actions were pretty spot on for that age group. I could almost believe it!

It was a sad ending.

The Bad

As a story, a story that say, I want to read and remember and maybe even read twice or recommend, it's not. It just falls short and comes across more as a brief scene.

It comes across this way because it's not so clear. What happens in the store with the note? He comes outside and looks at a "pair of lines" - what lines? Why?

I'm lost.

The Ugly

*Bullet*‘I’m going to buy more coke,’ I said, as we pulled into another petrol station. Gary glanced at me. Evan snorted. ‘You might want to use the loos, too, Jamie,’ he said, tapping the window of my roommate’s truck. ‘Frozen solid,’ he murmured. Then he looked at me. ‘You’ve already drunk four bottles.’
-This stuff should be separated into respective paragraphs. Every dialogue gets a new paragraph if it’s a new person speaking.

*Bullet*It was the middle of winter. The windows of the truck were covered in ice, frozen solid, as Evan said. They had clumps of snow, also solid, stuck in the corners, which Gary had suggested getting out with a knife. Mel had looked at him, horrified. I’d shaken my head. As I attempted to get out of the truck, though, I had to use a lot of strength to throw the door open. I had to use strength to step outside, too, shuddering in the wintery weather.
-A lot of showing here, and not much telling. The reason is because you’re referring to everything as if it’s past, rather than working out how to relay most of this information into the action and into the present, ever building sequence of your story.
-Also, I would change where you say it was winter and then say he shuddered in the wintery weather. I would find some new description for that bit.

*Bullet*I could hear Mel’s reply of, ‘James, a girl?’,
-Comma misplaced there. It’s got no job to do. *Wink*

*Bullet*They were covered in jewels, multicoloured jewels…
-They were covered in multicoloured jewels works, too.

kristofer
2
2
Review of Special Delivery  Open in new Window.
Review by kristofer Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (4.0)
The Good
This was vivid and well written. I loved the descriptions. I felt like I was on a beach. Can't wait to be able to do that again! Spring is in the air!

Like checking for sea-mail, there always seemed to be a new surprise. Often after a storm I’d find a lobster entangled in the roots and once a kite, still flying; its broken string snagged an upper branch.
Lovely! This line about sea-mail and the vividness of what you're saying made my eyes bulge with delight.

Never did hear back from anyone even though I always included a return address.
Sweet and sad… I like this little gem of an addition to the story.

The Bad

The ending.
What happened?! What was that?! I was so sad to reach the end and not have a clue what it was about. White granules? From the description of the story "evil mind of a man", I could only assume that something in the bottle had poisoned him.

But I really don't know, so I think the conclusion is sadly weak.

I wish it were clearer. Can you explain it to me?

Also, what was that about his "attacks" at the beginning? What attacks? What happened? I thought you mentioned that for a reason but I can't piece it together.

The Ugly

*Bullet*We call it the ‘beach tree.’ It must be twenty feet long and is quite literally the entire tree: roots, trunk and branches. It had been washed up the previous spring during that big Nor’easter and had stubbornly stayed put ever since.
-I was just reading “Techniques of the Selling Writer”, and there was a section on “past perfect tense” and “had” like you have it used here. He says to try putting the past into the present so that you are not redirecting the reader’s attention from the current goings-on. I was mulling over what you might do with the above and I think it’s okay as is, but might be stronger if it read:

“It washed ashore the previous spring, and stubbornly stayed put ever since.”

I think we can do without knowing it came in on a Nor’easter, and now even though the line is giving some history it isn’t jutting the reader too far out of the present.

Of course, you could leave it, like I say… I’m just trying to apply what I was reading about. hehe!


*Bullet*Wondering: what distant island it had been torn from, what storm had wrenched it loose, roots and all, to wash up here on our beach.
-And end with a question mark.

I think that flows better personally.

*Bullet*..landmark on one's daily jaunts up and down this [otherwise] empty stretch of shore.
-What do you think of that?

*Bullet*Today, nestled beneath one of the sand-encrusted branches was an odd shaped clear bottle, complete with cork and note inside.
-Instead of saying “odd shaped”, why not explain what shape it was? What made it odd? If you don’t want to get into why it was odd shaped, (and all I mean is saying something like, “was a long clear bottle” or “was a smooth and stout bottle”), then why not just neglect that detail and just say it was a bottle?


Conclusion

Overall I loved the story's build-up, but I ended up confused and disappointed. I don't think I wasn't paying attention and I don't think (at least I hope not) that I'm stupid, so I'm really curious to hear about what you mean as far as the white granules. Sorry if it's obvious and I am oblivious.

Thanks for writing. I like your style, I'm going to read more!

-kristofer
3
3
Review by kristofer Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Hey! I stuck a bunch of things in my favorites that I wanted to review today, and this was on the list.

Hope you don't mind an unsolicited review!

The Good

Really nicely, and best, simply written!

It was quick but remained vivid. In just the short time you asked your readers for attention you kept them (me at least) very interested in what was about to happen next, and that's the main thing.

The Bad

I know it's supposed to be flash fiction, but I'd love additional characterization, some more weaving of events to bring about the conclusion, and definitely a longer initial attack scene because that's the most interesting part.

Again, I know it's meant to be flash... but I'm not sure if it works as flash fiction. It's interesting enough and well written enough that I am left wishing I had not been rushed through it. And I definitely feel rushed through it from the attack until the last sentence.

The Ugly

*Bullet*enchanted honeymoon to a wild and adventurous country called Africa.
-Africa is a continent. *Wink*

*Bullet*Sometime during the night, the Watuzi attacked.
I thought that this might be stronger if you didn't kill the surprise of the attack by telling us it's about to happen.

A large circle of Watuzi warriors, danced naked before her.
-The comma after “warriors” isn’t needed.

Thanks for posting!

-kristofer
4
4
Review of Expected  Open in new Window.
Review by kristofer Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 18+ | (4.0)
Hi! Hope you don't mind a review in return for yours...

The Good
You've created a neat dream-like fantasy world where obviously not all is perfect, but Mrs. Blue and her husband Mr. Blue seem to be content with normalcy. Then they come across something quite new in their lives and routines that I guess indicates something has improved with the world because no bombs fell.

I loved this line! : They left their glowing house as the sun rose, its curling yellow petals opening the skylights. Mr and Mrs Blue walked out their gate arm in arm, his serge sleeve entwined in hers. They were asleep, they were awake, they were moving, they were moved.

The rest of the story is very well written, if short.

The Bad
I ended up drawing my own conclusions as to the point because I wasn't sure what you wanted me to think in the end...
Maybe if more time throughout the middle was spent figuring out the tiger rather than showing what "always happens" while the characters bounce happily along observing and never finding any upset, then there would be more of a story there and a desire in the reader to wait and see what's going on. As it is now the tiger, and the only source of conflict for our characters, is mentioned and then forgotten until the last few sentences.

Also, I said under "The Good" that at the end it seems something has improved. Yet throughout the story I get the impression all is fine and dandy. I understand that's part of the routine but maybe Mr. and Mrs. Blue need to see something obviously "bad", aside from a hysterical rush of traffic.

Unless I'm totally off as far as understanding this.

The Ugly
*Bullet*It was there every morning, and only in the morning, for one fragile hour before it shimmered and vanished. Mr and Mrs Blue saw it first thing, every morning.
- I thought these sentences just a bit redundant. The second just repeats the first.

Anyway, an enjoyable, quick read. Thanks for writing it!
5
5
Review of Dog Days  Open in new Window.
Review by kristofer Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 18+ | (4.5)
The Good
I saw edgework Author IconMail Icon gave this a good review so I thought it had to be worth reading.
It was!
Perfectly executed story with a killer ending. I didn't expect that at all when he had the gun. I just thought, "Oh, great, a revenge story." But no, very clever indeed.

The Bad
I'm hard pressed to find much bad here. I like the simplicity but maybe some more meat on these bones wouldn't hurt. The story makes you want more. Can you explain to me the significance of the tree? I'm curious.

The Ugly
*Bullet* “Teach you to share in future,” said Jimmy.
Should it say, "Teach you to share in the future,"? Or is that just how Jimmy said it?
*Bullet*“I can’t seem to find-“
that end quote is the wrong way round.

Thank you!
-kristofer
6
6
Review of The Plains  Open in new Window.
Review by kristofer Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
THE GOOD

Wow, this was really well written. The story was well told, grusome, and I could easily picture what it was you were describing. I enjoyed the main character. He was very believable. Good job.

THE BAD

For me, the story lost some of its appeal on the 6th paragraph. I started wondering what it was that was going on exactly, and got a little bored, reading with haste so I could move on. Maybe that's because it got confusing, or maybe that's because I lost my concentration, and am an idiot. Take your pick. :)

THE UGLY

He saw the blood of the scalped man
I thought this was strange. "The" scalped man implies you've talked about a scalped man before this, but you haven't. I would change it to "I saw the blood of a scalped man."

...he saw the woman,
Same with this part.

Thomas nearly felt a tear form in the corner of his eye, but then he felt his cold and emotionless heart reach up and blot it dry.
In order to make this sound better I suggest you reword it like this:
Thomas nearly felt a tear form in the corner of his eye, but his cold and emotionless heart reached up and blotted it dry.

Truly now he was incapable of sorrow.
Now he was truly ...?

Thomas, enraged, produced his knife, and placed its
no need for that comma after "knife".

Thomas’s stomach knotted itself up into a ball and his heart skipped a beat as his mind released a deluge of pain from its storehouse of memories.
I suggest:
Thomas’s stomach knotted itself up into a ball and his heart skipped a beat. His mind released a deluge of pain from its storehouse of memories.

fires raging as woman and children prepared the midday meal;
women?


Thanks for the read.
~Kris
7
7
Review by kristofer Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 18+ | (1.5)
THE GOOD

The story was a bit amusing and thus provided some entertainment. I think that you were clever with the narrator, because it raises questions about who it is. If it is indeed an imaginary character, it’s cool that he was the one telling the story.

THE BAD

The story was hard to follow at times. The plot tends to be implausible. Although the introduction was somewhat drawn out (not a bad thing), the middle and conclusion were both rushed into what seemed like a single session.
Unfortunately I did not enjoy this story due to the poor writing, unrealistic & rushed dialouge, and at times confusing plot.

THE UGLY

The writing really needs some work. Here are some errors that I hope you’ll consider revising. Try reading the story over to smooth areas out, add in some new sentences out of run-ons, add some commas, and remove some commas that impede the flow.

Me and Smack Brady met a long time ago.
Smack Brady and I?
I met Smack Brady?

He was seven and his mother had gotten the brilliant idea to…
Personally, I think this word sounds bad in any story. I think you should make this read, “He was seven when his mother had the brilliant idea to…”

What's more sick is nobody did a thing about it.
Sicker.

Only I don't have wings or the power the make things happens,
Happen, not happens.

…stick over some chicks head but it was her own fault.
Comma after head.

he believed it's was because they couldnt' handle his manliness.
Couldn’t.

I'd like to say I'm the only one in here meant to protect Smack but there are other's.
Others.

Rose and Carlie didn’t come around
Didn’t

Smacks been wanting to write a story,
Smack’s

So, here we go. The story of a guy, his moped and a gal or as Smack titled it Two less lonely people. Heavy sigh.
Nothing here makes any sense.

"Well, I could be wrong." she stammered
The period just before the end quote needs to be a comma.

The woman of his dreams would want a kiss for sure and if she were good enough
was

Smack shook his fist toward the heaven's in indignation.
Heavens.

The girl bless her heart,
Should be, “The girl, bless her heart, took the opportunity to escape. ”

The girl who owned the voice, stepped out of the bushes.
No need for a comma after voice.

"Hey, I like your wheels." she said,
A comma. Learn to write quotes.
It goes like this,
“I enjoy your new beard, Mr. Smith,” said Sally.
“Thank you Sally, I enjoy it also.” He turned away.
“I wonder if it’s real.” Sally hadn’t meant to say it out loud.
“Well, it is,” said Mr. Smith, walking away.

"Damn it to hell. A great idea and it has to come from," Smack eyed the girl accusingly
Here’s a good time to end the quote with a period.

Rose was singing Making love out of nothing at all….
If that’s a title to a song all the words need to be capitalized, aside from the small words. But I have no idea what’s being said here.

And with those words, Smack looked into the girls eyes and we passed out.
Girl’s.

"I love you. What's your name.?"
The question mark definitely replaces the need for a period.

Hope that helps for creating a more successful version in the future.

Kris
8
8
Review by kristofer Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 18+ | (2.0)
THE GOOD

This was a pretty entertaining story, pretty gory with the umbrella! I was surprised when I read that.
I thought your style of writing was nice and to the point. The language use was on par with a real monologue and has a sort of ‘no bulls***’ charm to it.
Although the story was short, it was entertaining and with a good conclusion. Spooky!

THE BAD

Although I mentioned above that your language was to the point, I think that it is a bit of a downfall as well. It was just a little boring, nothing decorative to the prose. Not really artistic. More like a quick account than a piece of juicy fiction.

I might have liked some additional data on the narrator.

Characters were jammed together a bit.

I did not really find this story enjoyable to read.


THE UGLY

There were a lot of places I thought that the use of commas were wrong, and I know they’re wrong because of what they did to the flow of the piece. Reading it, I was forced to stop and reread many sentences that were continued with a comma rather than ended with a period. You should really read through this and sort those areas out. I’ve provided a few examples below.

*Bullet*Aunty Ivy had a thing for hats and handbags you see.
There should be a comma after handbags.

*Bullet*This one cracked her skull open sending shards of bone into her brain, killing her immediately.
should be a comma after “open”.

*Bullet*Her husband had died when I was eight and the house had remained a one person abode since, she never seemed interested in any other men or even in romance.
This part is unclear, are you saying it remained a one person abode because she was never interested in any other men, or are you saying it had remained a one person abode since her husband died? The use of the comma makes this confusing. Removing the comma would work with my first interpretation, and a period after “since” works if you start a new sentence at, “…she never seemed interested in any other men…”

*Bullet*As Aunty Ivy used to say: "If you are going to spend any amount of time doing something, then, do it right." She was going to be dead for an awfully long time.

*Bullet*That was kind of surreal, as I looked around the congregation I noticed that everyone was smiling.
There should be a period here, and “as” should be a new sentence.

*Bullet* Well it was a couple of days later that I heard about the girls death.
Shouldn’t it be “girl’s” ?

*Bullet*The umbrella though is truth. This was found rammed deep into the girls
girl’s

*Bullet*That is until Aunty Jill and her husband Mick go across to America to visit Niagra Falls
What you mean is Niagara.
I think this whole bit is awkward, and should read:
“ That is until Aunty Jill and her husband Mick go across to America to visit Niagara Falls, where Aunty Ivy had spent her honeymoon [so many] years ago, and cast her ashes into the wind there.”


Kris
9
9
Review by kristofer Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (4.0)

The Good

I think this story was really good. It was well written, well researched (it seems you really know about this data—is the story non fiction?) and the plot, though quick and simple, kept me in a sense of suspense and definitely interested in what would happen.

It’s clear that you’ve put some effort into this piece, and I like that. It was good to read something someone really cares about.

As if the animal’s gruesome appearance hadn’t been enough, the very idea that something like that could be living down there tormented me.
Me too! The ocean as a whole scares me. It’s such a strange world under there.

I froze, waiting for a reaction. Nothing happened. Stupid animal.
I love that, I can totally picture the scenario, and I felt the fright and then the decrease.

Lovely piece of writing and a lovely story.

The Bad
I’m tempted to say it was too short. That the conclusion wasn’t good enough. But I think I won’t—I think I want to accept it for what it is. Just a good little story that I can relate too—that anyone can relate to. So I’ll leave this section blank. Save for this. And that. And that. And that. And that….

The Bad

Although it looks like a lot of errors here, the writing impressed me, and these errors aren’t ridiculous and annoying. A lot of them are things you might chose to leave as is—adverb use, etc—but I really hope you’ll consider what I have to say.

*Bullet*Amid my circle of friends, we all aspired to be something someday; a rock star, an artist, a dancer, for me it was a world famous marine biologist.
I could be wrong here, but shouldn’t that say something like, …a rock star, an artist, a dancer… for me it was a…
Or,
… a rock star, an artist, a dancer, and for me it was a…
It just reads weird to me as it is.

*Bullet*all the while looking positively fantastic in my Speedo suit!
I’d turn that into a period. In fiction, exclamation points belong only in dialogue. Very rarely should they be in the narration, unless it’s quite called for, whereas this is not.

*Bullet*Against the far wall was the “kitchen”, the food prep area complete with a massive stainless steel refrigerator and a wide double sink.
Or,
Against the far wall was the kitchen, the food prep area complete with a massive stainless steel refrigerator and a wide double sink

*Bullet*Now everyone has his or her childhood fears,

*Bullet*…dragging them down through the waves toward an evil, sharpened beak-like mouth buried in mounds of slippery flesh.
I like this! But if you remove evil it works even better with the flow, and still gets the point across in full effect. :)

*Bullet*My lungs blazing and the pressure crushing me, being pulled ever closer to that ugly clamping beak!
A period to end it off.

*Bullet*“You can handle this”,
This comma needs to go on the inside of the quotation.

*Bullet*…I assured myself, smiling at the aquarist weakly.
to remove this adverb try,
I assured myself, giving the aquarist a weak smile.

*Bullet*Rachel produced a small stool, she hopped up on it and lifted the tank lid.

*Bullet*In all the years I’d been coming to the aquarium, it had seemed that it had never moved from that spot. In fact, I had seen people overlook it, mistake it for a piece of the decor and move past grumbling about the tank being empty.
I really like that part, but I think it works a lot better with what I’ve applied the “strike through” to removed. Leaving it there seems to needlessly elaborate on the idea.

*Bullet*The aquarist handed me a long, netted pole and left. I was alone, staring down into the dark, churning water, looking earnestly for those elusive white strands.
That adverb sticks out like a sore thumb. If you removed it, I’d like that more. Or if you reworked the sentence in order to use the word “earnest”.

*Bullet*I had accidentally poked it!
You know the drill.

*Bullet*The impact knocked me off my stool and onto tofloor with a thud!
‘to’ should be ‘the’

I won’t mention the exclamation points anymore, but I hope you’ll remove them on your next edit.

*Bullet*My pole clanked down loudly beside me,
Remove or rework.

*Bullet*a wash of dank smelling water splashed…
“Dank” is an adjective which refers to moisture. Specifically “unpleasantly damp; moist; wet.” So, firstly, I don’t think something can smell dank. (Though I know what you mean, I think you need to find another word—like stale, or rank—unless you don’t mean that at all.) And secondly, it is redundant to describe water as dank, no?

*Bullet*Without thinking, about it I grabbed my pole and scrambled over.

*Bullet*I ungraciously rammed it back down into the water,
Aside from this being yet another adverb, I don’t think you can gracefully ram anything.

*Bullet*just as the last of it tentacles disappeared back down into the murk.
it’s

*Bullet*I had sat there, immobilized in terror, watching boat after boat of screaming innocents meet their doom at the “arms” of this demon of the deep.
I’m wondering why there are quotations around this word. Is there a logical reason? I’m not asking rhetorically, I’m actually curious. I wasn’t going to mention it at first, but since you fail to quote the word here, I’d lain awake that night, and many others, seeing myself entangled in those awful suctioned arms. I just had to ask.

A good story, overall. I look forward to reading more of your things. The accurate data on aquariums and marine biology really pulled it all together. Good job!


~Kris
(Yogurt)
10
10
Review by kristofer Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 18+ | (4.5)
Very interesting topic. You say a photograph just captures a moment and does not give any answers. Do you suppose this is true with all photographs? I think they can say a lot, perhaps not answer direct questions, but I think there are photographs that tell us things. I ‘dabble’ in photography and have taken pictures of dishes, dishes, dishes, and put them all together haphazardly. Check it out… http://img27.photobucket.com/albums/v80/castrostaa...

The photo in fact does not answer a single question, but it says to me, “Look at dishes. Look at something we see everyday, stuck together, together, doing their job being dishes.” Perhaps this would be viewed as pointless, but I think a lot of photos that at first appear pointless are in fact not. It’s like freezing a time and analysing it. When a moment is frozen, it becomes art…even if these images are haunting.

But yes, I definitely agree. Sometimes the image merits an explanation.

Good work. Nice use of English, very nice consistent flow through your logic. This clearly shows us what your views are on the subject and how much it effected you to see these pictures. Very nice job.

…has the ability to capture time, therefore, the pain in those mug shots will live forever. Those eyes will never blink to see a softer side of reality.
Just as the act of immortalization can be painful, it can also be a savior. A photograph…
You have two paragraphs stuck together here.
11
11
Review of Samuel's Vigil  Open in new Window.
Review by kristofer Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (3.0)
Well, that was a nice story. I’m not Christian and generally don’t read Christian fiction, but this plug was listed after mine so I thought I would read it no matter what the content. I’m glad I did.

This is a nice story, though upsetting. I like your use of words. The inclusion of God did not seem forced, but rather a stitch of the greater plot and the poignant tale of such a strong man. (I couldn’t believe his strength when looking at those corpses beneath the sheets.) If fact, not only Samuel, but all the characters seemed to be built on something, had some sort of real framework. I could really picture the firemen losing hope, seeing Samuel’s despair, and then getting right back into their job.

The beginning seemed a bit rushed, however, quickly catching us up with what happened—the explosion. I think the piece could be expanded greatly, but then the reader would be a little put off by the equally abrupt and rushed ending. So, it works, but it doesn’t work. I think a fine addition would be showing us, the readers, Samuel getting the news, and what’s going through his head—perhaps extended versions of what he’s thinking that you mention later in the story.

In particular, this seemed rushed: When Samuel received the call he took the first plane in from Atlanta. A police car with flashing lights and screaming sirens hurried him to the scene. Several hours later his shoulders sagged with exhaustion. Though the police and firemen told him to get some rest, he just shook his head no. He wanted to be there when they brought the bodies out.
You covered a flight from Atlanta, a police car ride, and then several hours after these in just three sentences.

he sipped without knowing if it was coffee or soup.
I like that. Very human.

Good work. Write on.
12
12
Review of Ethan  Open in new Window.
Review by kristofer Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 18+ | (3.0)
Justin: That doesn’t matter now, he's gay
You forgot to bold the name "Justin".

I thought this was an okay story, despite it's cliche characters, it's cliche climax and conclusion. I think if I were to watch this on the stage, I'd be really dissapointed. I once read in a Playwright book that if you've failed to capture the audiance, you've failed completely.

I'm not sure why the end is all italics.

Pretty well done.

However, it is heartfelt. It is sad this sort of thing happens to people who simply follow who they are, who are born with a natural attraction to people of the same sex. Really too bad. Your play had me shaking my head with annoyance.
13
13
Review by kristofer Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 18+ | (5.0)
Good one! The mystery builds. I’m interested to find out more about the suicides and how they apply to the story.

Helen’s vault is being open, too, with the call to her bro. It allows us to peek deeper into her dark past, but not so deep that we understand her completely yet.

Well done!

Only one point:

Helen stood by the window, a bed sheet wrapped around her like a Greek tunic.
Are you talking about a toga? Or a chiton? Either would do.

K
14
14
Review by kristofer Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 18+ | (4.5)
I liked this: Her breath caught and her back arched ever so slightly.
Good description.

You continue the story on an intriguing and frightening path. Can’t wait for more.

Some points:

If it was that happy he would not have has that look in eyes.
If it was that happy he would not have had that look in his eyes.

Gazing into mirror, her eyes flashed.
Missing “the” mirror.


Helen turned and surveyed the room. "So there!" She taunted the emptiness. A shiver rippled through her, but she lifted her chin defiantly and returned to the kitchen, where she resumed dicing vegetables with a ferocious violence.



"So where are you from?" Frank inquired, his eyes following her as she moved around the kitchen, making the finishing touches on a Caesar salad.

I think you meant to section these off with ***.

Kris
15
15
Review of Fear  Open in new Window.
Review by kristofer Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
It is a cold and lonely lonesome night This could be just artistic, but perhaps you should find another word here instead of repeating yourself.

Not a bad poem at all. I enjoyed most of it. The flow was never awkward. Good rhyming scheme. It was creepy, and very “Poeish” :)

Thanks for sharing.
16
16
Review of Are you Worthy?  Open in new Window.
Review by kristofer Author IconMail Icon
Rated: ASR | (4.0)
Well said! hehehe
17
17
Review of All I Wanted  Open in new Window.
Review by kristofer Author IconMail Icon
Rated: ASR | (4.5)
Very sad, very nice poem Bernie. It flows very well and it seems to me to have potentail to be a song.

Write on!
18
18
Review by kristofer Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (4.5)
Very nice poem, Funnyface! A subtle yet beautiful lesson...
19
19
Review by kristofer Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (4.5)
A very explanatory piece. Thanks for letting us know what's going on in a detailed, easy-to-read manner. *Wink*
19 Reviews · *Magnify*
Page of 1 · 25 per page   < >
Printed from https://writing.com/main/profile/reviews/kris