\"Writing.Com
*Magnify*
SPONSORED LINKS
BY ONLINE AUTHORS
Printed from https://writing.com/main/profile/reviews/korosus92
Review Requests: OFF
17 Public Reviews Given
17 Total Reviews Given
Review Style
Honest but kind, fun and easy to understand. Nothing too complex (I will give suggestions!), willing to offer extra advice via email for no extra cost. I am entirely non bias in your topics of interest/opinions to be reviewed. Please take note I am NOT easy to trigger. I will NEVER repost anything you'd have me to review.
I'm good at...
I look for word flow, descriptiveness, and what you're meaning to convey. I tend to use examples that I find and that suggestion is much better than telling you what to do!
Favorite Genres
Just about anything, I'm not triggered easily
Least Favorite Genres
Nothing I can think of, email me if you have something that may be offensive
Favorite Item Types
Just about anything, email if you're not sure I'll accept the offer
Least Favorite Item Types
I'm very open and curious I am not able nor going to judge someone only by their interests/opinions! That's a promise!
I will not review...
I'll be willing to give anything a look! Please provide a short description of what you'd like to see or want to know in the comment box so I can better understand your concerns.
Public Reviews
1
1
Review of Seasons  Open in new Window.
Review by Korosu Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (3.0)
I'd say it's written nicely, but maybe a bit more flamboyant word use would be appropriate? I'm always a sucker for fancy words so that's a personal opinion, but here's some suggestions if you don't mind giving you some ideas for another piece you may encounter later :3
--

You wrote the following:

Under the heat of summer's sun
People dance in the ocean's tides
As ships and seabirds bob upon the waves

Autumn falls with the drifting leaves
Strolling through the open farmer's market
Out in the sweet autumn air
--

Maybe try this kind of wording?

Beneath the broiling of the summer's rays
People dance in the great blue's waves

Autumn falls upon us with the drifting of leaves
strolling throughout the open farmer's market
Out and about in the sweetness of the season's air
--

That'd add a little bit more flair I'd think but alas, my suggestion unto you.

Hope this helps! :3


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" Open in new Window..
2
2
Review by Korosu Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (3.0)
Okay this was a hoot to read, made me chuckle a bit from this as I know how much Beets are obnoxious little fellers when they get juice all over the place.

So as for my suggestions, this looks like one giant paragraph and I had to reread it a few times to string together the narrative. So while the content is fun and relatable, it's a struggle to really enjoy it smoothly.

So I'll suggest some thigs so that maybe you can structure it a little better and be a bit more tidy and smooth to read.
--

You wrote

I started rebuking the devil of course only to hear a still small voice mention Jesus' blood and hear the voices say something to the effect, my blood gets everywhere it must get everywhere. It stains Lord the beet juice stains no my blood cleanses not stains I heard the voice say. Wow, and when I went on to dump the beets in the bowel which took a little bit of effort on my part more messes and in the pan more mess this is getting on my nervous by know but it wiped clean as ever just like the juice was never there but it was. The blood covers us and makes us clean y'all but we must be covered first. Beet juice Hmmm well one never knows does one.
--

This should've been broken down into at least two paragraphs. So I'd take this and break it down.
--

-I started rebuking the devil of course only to hear a still small voice mention Jesus' blood and hear the voices say something to the effect, my blood gets everywhere it must get everywhere. It stains Lord the beet juice stains no my blood cleanses not stains I heard the voice say.
--

Here's my suggestion!
--

I started rebuking the devil, only to hear the small vice mention Jesus's blood. It was something to that effect. My blood get everywhere, it must get everywhere. It stains the Lord the beet juice stains, no, not my blood though! My blood cleans not the stains, is what I heard the voice said.
--

With a few small changes to the wording and adding commas and periods, this makes much more clear sense. Otherwise you did pretty well.

Thank you for letting me read this adorable excerpt from your life :3


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" Open in new Window..
3
3
Review by Korosu Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (3.0)
Aight I've got some suggestions for you to possibly make this a little bit more descriptive, but take it at your own discretion alas.
--

I see with each beginning you write "The Last Summer Rose'. So I'll throw in some words that you could use to possibly help perk your word use to something more flattering.
--

You wrote

standing in the ground

Try: Rooted to the earth

You wrote

waiting to be found

Try: Awaiting to be discovered

You wrote

watching birds as they flew.

Try: Gazing upon birds as they fly

You wrote

just about to die.

Try: Withering by the day
--

There's a few examples of words that basically mean the same thing but still provide the idea, just with a stronger concept an more vivid description. Using more words that really grab attention helps provide a sense of intensity that's not gleaned from basic wording.

I hope these suggestions help! :3


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" Open in new Window..
4
4
Review by Korosu Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (3.5)
Through out this entire piece it had the mood of a person who I feel was lost in the world, never quite able to grasp that something they were wishing for. I'll give some insight on what I felt was a bit lacking (as honestly I'm not sure what you're aiming for other than the genre 'Writing') but the life of every artist definitely can relate to having strange happenings, then recording them like a open ended story. Felt like a rush of cool, fresh air tbh

So every part I'll list will have a little insightful suggestion(s).
--

You wrote the following:

Then I'd stroll over to the clinic and donate some of my blood plasma, strike up conversations with surly girls, gaunt sailors, naive prostitutes, and other well-meaning urban ghosts, collect my thirty-five dollars, cash the check at a liquor store, buy a bottle of brandy produced just outside the town of Cognac (because I was on a budget) and head to the sea, in search of waterfront women filled with primitive emotions and savage joys.
--

First and foremost, this is a huge run on sentence. Now I'm not sure if that it was meant to be this way, but it was a lot to take in all in one reading. Kind of like when you're breathing and hold it for a few moments. Like, when is this going to end exactly? It has wonderful content so that's the not the issue in my opinion, just that you let it run so long. So I'll give a little rewrite to perhaps help with the flow instead of one big whale sentence.
--

I'd stroll over to a nearby clinic and donate some plasma. I was also striking up conversations with the surly girls, gaunt sailors, and innocent looking net stocking wearing girls on the street corner. There were the urban ghosts as well, but thirty dollars in my pocket was more than enough to divert my drifting attention from them.
--

So maybe go along with something like that, just a suggestion in all. I hope this helps in some way and thank you for the fun read! :3


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" Open in new Window..
5
5
Review of The Chat  Open in new Window.
Review by Korosu Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (3.5)
Alright so let's see! I think this is a very interesting piece but...in the very beginning there was a transition that I wanted to immediately stop reading. I continued on of course as I like to read everything before continuing, but in the back of my mind it lingered like a bug crawling on my bare skin. It wasn't a bad story at all! Unless I totally missed something I apologize, but I can't really shake it. So I'll provide the sample and add some suggestions.
--

You wrote the following:

The immediate reaction was one that had their parents sharing a look of bemusement. Neither could understand what power that word had over their five-year-old brat of a son, but it seemed to work every time. The once tomato-hued siren fell into sniffling sobs; his sky-blue eyes as wide as saucers. He complied without complaint when she motioned for him to switch sides, and still wouldn’t stop staring at his older sister – as if seeing her for the first time – from his new seat position.
--

Right here, in the above. Were they still in the car? I understand there was a switching of seat but unless I missed a vital part of them getting out and then going somewhere with the pool, I did not see it. Here's the paragraph from before this one.
--

“Amy! Switch places with your brother.”

“Huh?” Her voice sounded so syrupy; like she had been drugged. Must be the heat.

“I said, switch seats,” her mother insisted, this time turning around to face them. She looked no better; the once crisp white V. Westwood blouse now stuck to her skin to reveal the outline of the black bra beneath. Her auburn hair was stuck to her forehead in ringlets, and she absently dabbed away the sweat that threatened to fall into her eyes.

“Why should I-?”

--

And then suddenly it switches to the pool, with no explanation other than 'would later ask'
--

“The chat, huh?” her father would later ask as they sat comfortably by the poolside of the hotel.

Did you intentionally decide to skip a giant portion of the story? I think if you had made a short paragraph or so of how they suddenly went from the car to the pool would've been nice, as it really threw my train of thought off. I' not sure what the guidelines were but it seems very cut short. Here's a few suggestions for another time you write a short story.

Story Depth: You did a fantastic job describing the heat. I felt like I was there and the muggy mood was on point. The only real thing was the jagged transition.

That's all I have to say about this, but it was a fantastic mini story. I just feel like I missed how this family was going about between the car and the pool. Because of that it left me hanging. I hope this helps! :3
6
6
Review of Ignatia  Open in new Window.
Review by Korosu Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with The WDC Angel Army  Open in new Window.
Rated: 13+ | (3.5)
This is a interesting story for sure! A girl looking for a way to help her father, only to be devoured by the one she saved. Definitely something that'd be a great plot for a longer story. Here's my over all thoughts as I see not much needed to be improved on for your writing style. Seeing as you have to stay under a limit I totally understand having to slim down how things are described and paced.

Here's my over all opinion on the story!
--

Ignatia portrays chaotic destruction very well. All it wants is to consume and devour, with no apparent heed to it's actions. So the thought of the fire prompt is definitely apparent.

The other character, the girl, seems desperate and foolish as well as innocent. The bit about her father needing medical attention was quite saddening. However I started to get lost when she said the village healer needed a wraith essence? If I read correctly, I don't recall a reason why other than the mentioned. I mean why as to 'yes he has a sickness but what/how is the healer going to do with it' description wasn't made clear, to me at least.

Thus with the scene of the wraith and so forth is when I got really, really confused. How could a simple wraith wither an entire village while they were gone? No sense of time passed from what I gathered and there wasn't any other actual scary happenings that led up to it. So somehow a wraith popped up, destroyed a village while chasing the girl, is what I'm getting at. Then the fire elemental just decides to destroy everything..? Even for a fire elemental that's pretty strange. Going from 'thanks you saved me' to "I'm going to eat you' is understandable, but it got made from just being asked to help?

The part where the fire elemental feels anger is okay, but if going by the story, it was already angry. Wasn't the girl sad and fearful when the fire elemental did its deed? Idk maybe I'm confused, which is my point.

So my main feeling about this story: It isn't scary. I felt no dread, no somberness. Things were too rushed, with a frenzied pace. I was given a plot and characters but little to no environmental depiction as well no background story. I didn't feel any emotion with any of the characters other than the rather selfish fire elemental. If anything it annoyed me with it's rashness and disrespect.

It is a good idea. You have the plot, but the story feels flat to me due to the rushed pace and lack of backstory/expression of thoughts/feelings. Doesn't mean it's bad! It's just not thought provoking nor scary in my opinion. Girl was a fool to trust a ruthless element of nature, the end...not really anything I can say is of any note...

I do apologize if this seems harsh, but trust me I took this from a writer and reader point of view. As a writer, everything flows very well together and the story itself is simple and has a simple lesson to teach: don't trust fire. As a reader, it's simple, to the point, and frankly confusing. I'd not want to read it any further than the ending.

Here's some suggestions!

Story Depth: Why is that she's able to just run off into a dangerous forest with a fire spirit?

Emotional Depth: I felt little connection to any of the characters, maybe form a more solid bone with the reader?

Story Pace: Instead of rushing through the story, try to drag it out, describe the forest, describe the fear the girl is having. The fire spirit is much more developed naturally as it's about it, but the girl needs the attention too.

I hope this helps out! :3


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" Open in new Window..
7
7
Review of Finding Bri  Open in new Window.
Review by Korosu Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (2.5)
It's a very interesting story and I like the concept! However there are several things you need to fix and I'm not exactly sure how much you're willing to change. Regardless, I can give you pointers on what you need to focus on most, as the idea of the story is there, it isn't quite solid nor entirely believable. I'll explain why but they'll be suggestions used at your discretion.
--
You wrote the following:

They had discovered something huge. At least for Mia.

Bri was Mia's best friend. Until tragedy struck, and they got seperated.

Mia hadn't seen Bri for months. She had looked for her, but she couldn't ever find her. She never stopped looking. In Mia's spare time she would browse online and look outside for her. Still she had no idea where she was. Until today

She had found a few shelters with cats named Bri, but on this one they had a description reading: White cat with black spots. Just like Bri. Mia decided to try something. Hacking.
--

I'll provide a slightly improvised version for you to get ideas from ^^
--

She had finally found what she was looking for and it brought hot tears to her eyes.

Bri was Mia's best friend and only when tragedy struck were they separated.

Mia hadn't seen Bri for months on end as she had searched tirelessly without prevail. No what what time of day and no matter what was in her way, Mia was desperate to try and find her beloved feline.

There were so many she found that had similar cats called Bri. Yet none of them were her Bri. She stumbled across a particular interesting place with what she knew was her cat.
--

I'm also going to suggest to drop the hacking bit. It honestly makes no sense to me and without some kind of backstory to provide the reasons for Mia's skills, it falls flat in the reality bit.

I hope this helps you! :3


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" Open in new Window..
8
8
Review by Korosu Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (2.5)
This is a interesting piece...though a little confusing, but that's ok. Looks like you labeled this as 'Nonsense' so I won't be too judgmental on the subject lol So let's get down to the details. I'll begin by taking a sample of your work and then tweaking it a bit for suggestions on how to go about building your work further, or just use them as advice. As you'd like to use it.
--

You wrote:

"But I am trying to make better decision", Caleb answers back in a veiled attempt to not give in right away. Playing hard to get with the devil is something Caleb is good at. Both of them know he is going to give in eventually, but Caleb doesn't want to make it too easy.
--

I'll follow up with my example.
--

"I'm trying to make a better decision though..." Caleb answered (himself?) in a weakly veiled attempt to refrain from giving in at that very moment. Playing hard to get with the (describe more emotionally inclined) devil was always something he was good at. At the very least in his opinion he was. He really didn't want to feel like he was easy to convince by his own (desire description?).
--

Hope this helps! Thanks for the nice read :3
9
9
Review of Hot Pursuit.  Open in new Window.
Review by Korosu Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (3.0)
Alright, so let's see here...Turkeys! Turkey's are great at being unpredictable and aggressive (only as I understand they are territorial like Geese) and I have my own experiences with them. Anyways, I'll give some suggestions to maybe help make your story a bit more colorful? I'll provide you with an example and a rewrite of my own suggestions for you ^^

You wrote:

Wild turkeys strut around the local library parking lot. Sometimes, people feed them. And so they're not quite afraid of humans.


I was sitting in my car, waiting for my son to come out of the library.

A lady came out of the library doors, a turkey followed her. She hadn't noticed, until she stopped and turned.
--

Wild turkeys often seem to strut around the local parking lot of the library. People occasionally feed them so they're not overly cautions of humans.

So here I was just sitting in my car (was it hot or cold?) and waiting for my son to come out of the library.

A lady (describe in the simplest way what she looks like) came out of the doors and a turkey began to follow her. She had yet to notice this (size?) turkey until something made her stop momentarily and look behind her.
--

That's all I got for this for now, I hope you found it helpful in some way

:3
10
10
Review by Korosu Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (4.5)
After reading this I feel like it relates to me in some ways, so that's good you can get a reader to feel your writing in my opinion. Poems can be very tricky in my eyes as the nuances really matter to tell the story. I'll give you the best suggestions I can do for you ^^

Alright so here's some remarks I have for you, this is what you wrote:

Muses strive to fill the stillness,
As utensils itch to dance,
In the arms of sweet enchantment,
To the tune of wild romance.
--

This particular passage stuck out to me for some reason. It has a certain vibe to it that makes me feel slightly confused but good at the same time. Here's a suggestion upon this to perhaps assist you with the wording.
--

A muse strives to fulfill the scenery,
As (don't use utensils this sounds like you're eating?) desire to dance,
In the arms of such sweet enchantment,
To the tune of wildest romance.
--

Hope these suggestions help you in some way!

:3
11
11
Review of Aegis 1 - Earth  Open in new Window.
Review by Korosu Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (4.5)
I really enjoy this and actually think it is paced nicely. It's a bit short and I'd like to hope you're writing more? I'd read this, I generally quite picky. Here's some thoughts and suggestions as I find not much in my opinion to really point as issue related. More along the lines of some pointers if you will!
--
You wrote the following:

They scanned the train with their powers to ensure nobody was watching and, once sure no presence was paying attention, they retracted their long brown hair to a short, messy wolf cut within the hood of their jacket. The hair dangled on their strong jaw, and Catalina was quick to rummage about their bag for something to eat. They pulled out a packaged snack, ripping open the thin paper to reveal a cheese griller that they got before entering the station.

--
This feels...incomplete? Not quite sure why this really grabbed my attention, but there are some awkward wording that just doesn't seem to flow right to me. I'll give some suggestions and reasons as to why I say this in a 'sample' of a rewrite I'll provide in my version of the passage example above.
--

They scanned the (type of emotional movement/specific kind of build) train, with their (insert what powers are being used) powers (end this sentence). No one of interest appeared to be present (this sounds less clunky) and they proceeded to push(?) (are they literally 'retracting' the hair...? This is a super confusing word use to me) their (more emotional usage of description) long (more unique color choice in place of just a plain 'brown') hair (you need to end your sentences more, you run on a lot here, also try to explain what a wolf style is, I literally have no clue what to interrupt this as).

Also, try to use less of 'their' 'them' 'they' and in place use the character's name perhaps? I was getting lost who was being talked about among all the 'they' etc. I get this 'person' has no gender it appears, but explain why in maybe a small couple of sentences as you describe this particular reason for the gender relation.

And I think that's pretty much all I got, I'm sure I could go in depth more but I'll let you decide what to do first. Thanks for the fun read!

:3
12
12
Review of God Only Knows  Open in new Window.
Review by Korosu Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 18+ | (4.0)
This is a very interesting read as well as terrifying in such situation. The pace is good, the mood is tense and the chill of his overbearing is oppressive. So great job there!

As for the structure of the writing, I feel like it's a bit jagged and could've been more concrete. While understand the pace is panicky and abrupt, I'd suggest a more fluent take on the characters. It's clear there are some very obvious cues, but not everyone may take the hint of the more subtle meanings you're trying to convey. So I'll take some examples of what I mean and rewrite them.
--
So you wrote:

"I'm in a terrible situation," I whispered, petrified that Ken would hear.

"Do you need to call 911?"

"No, I'm too scared."

"Tell me everything."

--

Here's how you could accentuate your scene.

--

I whispered in the softest voice I could breath between my dried lips. The terror I felt was petrifying, Ken could take advantage of this situation without warning if he found out. So I spoke barely a whisper and said, "I'm in a terrible situation." I looked back as if fearing his shadow would expectedly crawl into my personal space. The voice that spoke back seemed to be holding a tone of worry that was difficult to mask as simple concern.

"It's going to be okay, just breathe. Do you need 911? Please tell me the truth."

"I-I can't, not like this. I can't do this!" I felt heat blooming in my cheeks, the salt from the tears pouring down my face stung as the blood rushed to my face. My lungs became ice as I heard Ken shuffle around, there was nothing left to feel. Nothing else to hide.

"Tell me everything."
--

Hope this helps! :3
13
13
Review by Korosu Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (2.0)
So I'm a little lost amongst some details here. For one, you're missing quite a lot of spelling correctness. I'm no expert but this could've had much better written content if it was reviewed more thoroughly. I can tell there's a subject, yes. But there is no actual introduction of characters in a way that in my opinion, forms the character into a actual believable being. The use of words in interesting, but scattered and without expression other than the reader's own interpretation.

I'd suggest you create a more defined piece that is with more abstract wording and pronounced meanings. If you'd like further assistance feel free to drop by with a mail! :3 I'm more than happy to help out.
13 Reviews · *Magnify*
Page of 1 · 25 per page   < >
Printed from https://writing.com/main/profile/reviews/korosus92