I love my sister too. Very sweet poem.
This stance
Who ties my hair for school.
She doesn’t mind being bothered
As long as I looked cool.
confused me because of the different tenses. I think it would be best to keep it in the present tense throughout, so watch for that. Overall good structure and rythm.
Really good story. Since it's a cramp entry I know you probably didn't have time to edit, but I definitely think it would benefit from some clean up. There are few missing words or commas here and there. The second paragraph also seems out of context, as if the speaker has a distracted moment in story telling and lets her guard down.
I really like the premise and the way you had your characters react.
I liked the theme and the metaphors you were using, and I felt that aspect of the poem was consistent, but then it sort of falls apart there for me. I did not pick up any sort of rhythm from this poem, it just feels too disjointed and made it hard for me to follow. Some of your word choices, like sustainable or metaphysical seem out of place, contrived even. Also the title made me think of that popular song and I found that to also be distracting.
You started out with and almost rhyming scheme and then nearly immediately lost it, so I wasn't sure where you are going with that. It makes the beginning seem silly when compared to the lines that don't rhyme.
I would say work on your construction. If you want to write free verse, loosen it up a bit. Play with the formatting (centering make it look like you are trying to write classical poetry), break the lines in to different sizes, make it look as choppy as it sounds. If you do not want to write free verse, really pay attention to the rhythm. I used to tally my iambic pentameter poetry over and over again to make sure not only the syllables were correct but also the emphasis. Read it out loud. What does it sound like? Is that your intention?
Overall you have good imagery and ideas. With some cleaning up I'm sure your poetry can be very powerful.
I enjoyed reading this! Love when jerks don't get their way ;)
I would say look at the vernacular you chose. If a guy thinks the word "summint" he probably doesn't properly think "poaching" in the same sentence.
You did a great job of establishing the relationship between the two men, and I felt the nervousness and uncertainty of Jameson.
Poetry is hard to grade. It's like asking me to look at your soul and judge your feelings. That, I cannot do, but I can tell you that this poem seems a little too contrived. This poem is about angst, and yet you are using a form that would suggest lyrical or pastoral poems. Perhaps that is on purpose for the sake of irony, but I encourage you to expand your vocabulary. Adjectives I believe are the biggest challenge for any writer. Often they can be changed or eliminated. If you like this form, read more Byron and get a better feel for the rhythm. Good luck, and keep writing. I wrote a lot of angsty poetry in high school and enoy reading my progression over the years.
I think you have a solid premise and foundation for a good story. I am interested in the mysterious circumstances of Katie's death and how Casey will unravel it. Detail work is definitely necessary. I encourage to expound on the specific things that are tormenting Casey. If, as I gathered, your story is about uncovering the truth, Try and incorporate those questions into Casey's inner monolog. Also, I encourage you to edit your adjectives. Many of them are redundant (ie: "rigidly straight") or too common ("death-like grip) in everyday works. Explore your voice and really describe what you are imagining precisely from your perspective.
The narrative also seems rushed. You jump from Katie's body to Iris' funeral to the history of the house before the reader has time to process. Perhaps you could add more exposition by starting the chapter at Iris' funeral and then make Casey's arrival at the house several years later. It would also be good to elude to what triggered Casey's arrival now after all this time. You end with "now, she had to face it, demons or no", but I was left wondering why. Remember to add content rather than just words. Think about the tone of the narrative, how Casey is feeling and thinking overall, not just the moments of spook.
The scene about the secret room should probably be shortened to a flash memory and then described in greater detail later, when Casey settles down to think, and the narrative can shift to flashback long enough to put the reader there. The room was dark, but it doesn't say what Casey could see, or any level of how access to the room brought her closer to understanding.
Remember to stay constantly aware that your reader knows nothing, and while Casey's thoughts may be rattling through her mind they still need to be translated into a narrative that readers understand and flow with.
Keep writing, I appreciate your efforts and hopefully my feedback will give you some ideas.
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