This short piece is packed with power. I can hear it sung, as the rhythm lends itself to a symmetrical folk song motif. It is a deceptively deep piece, and leaves me feeling a bit sad - which is part of what I believe you were seeking to communicate. You remind me with this that nostalgia can be dangerous, but makes for great stories, however short.
I love the sentiment in this piece and am very touched by the devotion in it. There is alot to chew on, so to speak, in your story. I enjoyed your rhymes, and was pleasantly surprised by how you worked so much information into such a small piece! I guess I would like to know even more about this lovely daughter!
Keep writing!
I certainly understand the sentiment of this piece and feel the hurt in the words. I was wondering if there were some typo's in the first few lines - did you mean - "I need him now you see" rather than "...no you see" because I found it a bit confusing. I certainly feel this is written by a young voice and respect that voice. Keep writing!
koipond
This reads like a diary entry and I am moved by your honesty, your self observation and the picture of isolation and loneliness you feel. Being the artist/writer, you are a witness. Being an empath - one who sees and feels others deeply, your vulnerability comes through. Rest assured this too, shall pass. Let writing guide you through the storms.
thank you for sharing this piece!
Indeed, this poem is not horrible, and I certainly hope you feel encouraged by what you have accomplished in this very engagin piece. Your funny images have a certain hard edge that is delightful and it continues in the style of the whole poem. I was delighted by this offering and hope you will continue to WRITE ON!!
I enjoed the mythic quality that made your observations and images larger than life, just like the passing thunderstorms! You captured a sense of mystery as well, which I always love to encounter in poetry about nature. The reference to feelings, to music, and to the silent center of the storm was also enjoyable. Keep Writng!
I really got uncomfortable reading this piece - its as if you captured the very emotion you sought to tell the reader about in the cadence of your poem. I shared a moment of recollection of similar situations in my own experience and felt that acrid taste in my mouth once more - that taste of fear and awkwardness. GREAT piece.
This is a heartbreaking event - couched in the ordinary goings on of an evening out in public - yet rife with both promise and intimacy that is shattered, unable to be resolved. And yet I marvel at your honesty in the telling, and am touched that your emotions emit so genuinely through the words. Really wondeful.
Your struggle with addiction is something that you write about with great honesty. Nobody can fake this kind of truth, and the depth of understanding that you bring to this writing. I can see her struggle to be well in the shadow of your conviction to stay well - I can feel her fluttering resolve as the hummingbird metaphor - what a wonderful piece.
How honest and refreshing this piece is. And how silly we all are that we don't understand how beloved we are by the Creator, and how we are welcomed, even in all of our silliness, our laziness, our wretchedness, our obedience...if we were not welcomed in all these conditions, God would not be God - where love is eternal, unconditional, magnificent and free. VERY NICE PIECE. I can't tell you how to improve it - I simply enjoyed it as it appeared on the page.
I think this piece has a great deal of potential and almost feel as if it should go on a bit longer...why whispers? what is the center of your story? what do you want us to know, to understand, to experience...?
I like it! KUDOS!
I really enjoyed this piece, as I adore my dogs and cats and often watch them sleep. You slip into a wonderful dreamy cadence that I want to go on for longer. There are a few bumps, but this is a lovely, hypnotic piece.
There is a great deal of emotion in this piece. Your images are strong. One suggestion is the way you are laying it out on the page - you might change it to more lines, separating your repetitions, so they flow more lyrically. Hope this helps and Keep writing!
Haiku offers a glimpse of something, a bareness and sparseness of words that must be so rich and evocative. You have accomplished that here. And they are musical as well.
FABULOUS!
MsVicky,
I enjoyed this poem - it reminded me of something that ought to be set to music. It was evocative of the feelings of conflicting emotion that loving induces. There was a bit of a bump in the rhythm of the rhyme shiver/quiver, but othe than that, I liked it. Thanks for posting it for review.
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