This is interesting. I'm sort of confused, is this about death or suicide? You should work on writing more clearly. The content of your work isn't lost upon me at all, so don't feel unsure of it. Nevertheless work on filling in details, or using ore detailed sentences. Read some Anne Rice. She's so detailed, it should rub off and make your writing long winded like mine. Haha
I want to give you props on my favorite line from the story, "He has seen many of friends die, killed by unseen men, who in turn, were killed by men unseen." I always aim for stuff like that. You're talking circles around your reader. The best writing is like that. Its like rising up around the reader and filling their head with your voice.
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