Hi there! I like your idea. Talking about someone you admire is a good way of showing the kind of qualities you want to work towards having, and explaining how you overcame your fear of public speaking to successfully host an event shows great character.
There are a couple of changes I would recommend.
First, grammar. I noticed a lot of mistakes ("speech's" for example) and sentence fragments (First, his three messages.) Writing in full sentences is a good habit to get into if you're going to do a lot of formal or academic writing. And using correct grammar is so, so important.
Secondly, structure. Honestly, I would take out the first paragraph or re-write it completely. I'm sure the people reading your application know how difficult it is to write a personal statement. The first paragraph doesn't really serve a purpose or make you stand out.
I would also split the second paragraph into two. Your paragraph about Steve Jobs could perhaps benefit from some examples, and your paragraph about how you had to host could benefit from some more explanation of HOW you overcame your fear.
Finally, I would try to link your last paragraph to the rest of your essay.
These sentences "
Personally, I wanted to be in the medical field though I know my story seems to have nothing to do with it. To others, an accident or illness occurred to their family which prompted them to enter this field but to be honest I don’t have that touching or inspiring story behind me"
do nothing to show WHY you would be good in the medical feel.
WHY did you tell that story?
WHY do you want to be in the medical field?
You should talk about positives rather than negatives! Remember, a personal statement should be selling YOU.
I hope this helps. Good luck with your application!
Just a quick note to say I was really touched by this piece! You captured the attitude of a cat really well, used the perfect amount of descriptive language and I thought the dialogue flowed nicely too. Cheers!
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