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Printed from https://writing.com/main/profile/reviews/kitzie21
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50 Public Reviews Given
154 Total Reviews Given
Public Reviews
1
1
Review of It could be  Open in new Window.
Review by Kitzie Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (3.5)
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I am reviewing this item as part of "Invalid Item" Open in new Window.. The following review expresses my opinion only. It is written to be helpful, and no offence is meant.

Overall Impression:

An interesting poem about holding on to hope - "...maybe it could be, Another day, a different place, reality..." - even in the face of heartbreak. There is clearly pain in the first stanza, but also, through this pain, an acknowledged maturity of a character who now knows his or her strength: "I dont really need anyone, you see." Yet even this affirmation is belied by the verse that follows "...and suddenly im all alone."
I really liked the bittersweet third stanza, the lovers meeting again - although this is ambiguous enough that I'm not sure it's happening or being dreamt - and the impossibility even then of making it work.

Nitpick and suggestions:

The poem is almost entirely devoid of apostrophes. You write "Ill" instead of "I'll" or "Im" instead of "I'm". It makes your work a little more difficult to read and that breaks to flow.

Conclusion:

Lovely work. Thank you for sharing this with us.
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Review of My eagle  Open in new Window.
Review by Kitzie Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (4.0)
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I am reviewing this item as part of "Invalid Item" Open in new Window.. The following review expresses my opinion only. It is written to be helpful, and no offence is meant.

Overall Impression:

One of the dangers of writing out childhood memories is that the resulting story can sometimes appear cloying, and overly sweet. You avoid this pitfall quite deftly in this matter-of-fact tale of rescue and freedom. You also resist the urge of giving us an easy moralistic conclusion, letting each reader take what he or she might from the story.

What I liked most:

I would forget about him all day, as children do, busy with lessons and games. - The story is full of honest lines like this one. As mentioned above, you do a great job telling it like it happened (or at least I'm assuming so, since I wasn't there to know for sure *Smile*), without reinventing the memory, or artificially imbuing it with deeper meaning. This honesty gives the story a certain freshness and greater impact. Ditto with the line about never naming the eagle, because he wasn't a pet.

The image of your father running through the garden and flapping his arm was irresistible. *Smile*

Nitpick and suggestions:

I guess its better that way. - this should read "it's".

I am not exactly certain what a Luna is. Could you please clarify that point?

Conclusion:

A very enjoyable story. Thank you for sharing this with us.
3
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Review of Pedro  Open in new Window.
Review by Kitzie Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Overall Impression:

I really liked this story. It's a very quiet piece, with no apparent rises of passion, no tension. It simply unfolds, like Pedro's life, in deceptively simple sentences. Your writing style and voice really help convey the impression of a simple man, a man of this time, who was no hero, but one day, just saw one injustice too many. Even the ending was fitting, the fact that he didn't get away with it, didn't ride into the sunstet with the girl - because that's not the way it works in real life.

What I liked most:

He wasn’t particularly strong, particularly special, or particularly strange in any way, he was just a man...

Nitpick and suggestions:

There are a few spelling errors and missing words here and there. For example "Sue was the one and only barmaid in, “The Acorn” Pedro’s local." I think there should be a word after "local". There is also a typo in the following sentence "alls he could muster was a string of curse words". Careful proofreading should take care of that.

Conclusion:
A great story, plainly told, but with great impact. This one doesn't slam into you, it sneaks in, and lingers, haunting, well after one is done reading. Well done!
4
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Review of Last Moments  Open in new Window.
Review by Kitzie Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (4.0)
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Overall Impression:
A lovely story about two sisters meeting in a place between life and death, for one final goodbye. You chose a difficult subject matter and handled it well. The story is touching, but without versing into the melodramatic.

What I liked most:
Haven and I had never seen summer because we lived in a one-season country of gloom.You throw the sentence at us like a curveball, unexpected in a story that looked to be set in our modern-day world. You don't linger on this point but I thought it was a nice little twist.


Nitpick and suggestions:
In the third paragraph, Julia reminesces about all the times Haven was there for her. This section would have been more balanced, I think, if we had had a chance to see the times when Julia had been there for her sister. It would have given more depth to Haven as a character if she did not always appear as the strong one, almost saint-like in her behavior.

The sentence "Haven, I've really got to go know," should read "Julia, I've really got to go now,".

Conclusion:
A touching story. Nicely done!
5
5
Review by Kitzie Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (4.0)
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Overall Impression:
Although it has its flaws, this is an interesting story which takes the classical fairytale and adds a twist.

What I liked most:
You took chances in making your main character so unlikable, it made a refreshing change from the usual fairy tale character. I also like that in the end, she did not remain beautiful, but reverted to her natural looks, and still got the guy. That's nicely done.

Nitpick and suggestions:
You use very contemporary language and slangs, such as "rude much?" and "Can we just stop arguing about this crap?" which are a little jarring in the context of this story.

I also had a hard time understanding why Paul was in love with the princess. There is nothing remotely likeable about her,

Lastly, this story lacks a clear cut moral lesson. Most fairytales have, at their core, a lesson of some sort. Here the princess behaves horribly from top to bottom, and still get her happy ending. The character did not change and there was no lesson learned at the end.

Conclusion:
This story possesses an interesting premise, and you definitely made some courageous choice with the main character. Well done!
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Review by Kitzie Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Disclaimer: This is only my opinion. Feel free to disregard if it does not fit your vision.

Your first words "Her mom sold her body and her daddy sold his soul" are very strong, you are definitely opening this with a bang. As it stands, though, this excerpt is too short to really grab me, and there are no hint as to where the novel is going to go from this. I also think it's dangerous to begin with that much exposition, before you've had a chance to hook your reader.You have, however, created a very interesting - if bleak - backstory for your character, and I look forward to seeing her in action. Well done!
7
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Review of Cocheco Hollow  Open in new Window.
Review by Kitzie Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Overall Impression:
This story builds slowly, the sense of anxiety going crescendo until the very end. Your characters voices, particularly the father, are believable and your writing flows nicely.

What I liked:
I’ll bet you the Pennecook were thinking there goes the neighborhood. That one made me smile.

But he asked me to help him cheat death a little and what’s a father going to say to his son? I said I’d do my best. Best line of the story as far as I'm concerned. You had me hooked there.

The pacing on this story is exquisite. I really like the way it started out with the description of this seemingly ideal little town and then, slowly, you let us see the danger beneath the surface - literally. You also do a great job with descriptions and mood. As I reader, I could feel the heat of the summer, smell the stench of the water, and feel the wrongness in the air as the story moved forward.

I also liked your character's voice, very distinctive, but not so much that it would feel like a gimmick.

What I liked less:
Nothing much to say here. The story might benefit from a second look from you, though, as I still found a few typos here and there. For example: Their were some big stick things, and then some kind barrel made of bent sticks.should read There were some big stick things, and then some kind of barrel made of bent sticks.

Conclusion:
This type of story is not usually my cup of tea but I really found this thoroughly enjoyable. Well done!
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Review by Kitzie Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Overall Impression:
I'm going to start by saying I really liked this chapter. This is a promising start to your story. I'm a big fan of coming-of-age stories and this one really looks like it has all the elements: love, friendship, life changing events... Your characterization is very strong and your writing pleasant to read. There are, however, a few minor inconsistencies which could bog down the story as it progresses.

What I liked:
As I mentioned, Grace is an extremely believable character. High school was a while ago for me but I still recognize her feelings, what she is going through and as a reader, I felt very protective of her. I wanted to shout "don't get involved with a guy on the rebound, it never ends well" or "don't drink that spiked Gatorade".

Speaking of spiked drinks, it looks like you are not afraid to tackle difficult topics (the divorce of Cara's parents being another one). I hope this trend continues in the rest of the novel.

A story like this clearly draws its strength from the relationship between the characters. Although there are some consistency issues (more on that later), I think all your characters are believable in the way they react to events: Aiden's concern at Kara's pain mixing with his anger that she had no confided in him; Cara's own pain and careless words to Aiden and Grace... I think your depiction of the friendship between Cara and Grace rings pretty true. They have clearly outgrown each other yet are still trying to hang on to their friendship. I buy that. Grace's dazzled crush on Aiden is also fairly believable, but I'll get back to that point later on.

As far as style is concerned, I think you write well, your narrative flows quite naturally and the pacing is good.

What I liked less:

As mentionned above, a story like the one you are trying to tell (the one I think you are trying to tell) is all about the characters and the interactions between them. And while I said I believed the characters in the way they reacted to events, I had some issues with the way they interacted, based on what you told us about them. I'll try to give you examples of what I mean.

The first instance is Grace's crush on Alec. Totally believable in and of itself. She's clearly smitten, he is perfect in her eyes and her knees go weak every time she sees him. Readers can relate. It's harder to buy into the crush however when you tell me they have been friends for a really long time. Grace doesn't seem to know Aiden all that well. She behaves with him in a diffident manner that is inconsistent with someone she knows well.

Second instance: "Maybe that’s because for the longest time, there was no tension between us. You write this and a few paragraphs later, you make it clear there is tension between Alex and Aiden. There are a few similar instances where you make statement that are at odds with the way the characters later behave or say they feel. Another example of this can be found in the chapter where Grace is consoling Cara. You/Grace write: I was surprised at how badly she [Cara] wanted to be with someone. And yet a few lines later Cara herself says " I’m too independent for him. I’ve never wanted a serious relationship,. Both statements appear to contradict one another. And if the contradiction is intentional, you need to make it clear somehow that it has to do with the complexity of Cara's personality, or else it just seems like the story lack consistency.

My last nitpick would be about Aiden. At the moment, he strikes me as a little too perfect. I buy it for now because we are seeing him through Grace's eyes and she's clearly not objective, but this perfection could becoming annoying and irrealistic in the long run. The characters can be beautiful without being flawless. They'll be more real for it.

Orthograph and grammar:

Maybe that was why his interest in me the summer came as such a shock. I think you mean Maybe that was why his interest in me that summer ...

I had tried to shrug off Cara’s comment, but I the truth was it hurt. I think that "I" was a typo.

You write “What if someday they don’t?” “It won’t.”. I think Alex's answer should be "it won't happen." or "they won't" .

There was never a short of guys competing for Cara’s affection. I think you mean shortage.

We went to an outdoor concert for one. For one what? You never say.

Conclusion:
Sorry for the very long review but I really think you have the premise for an interesting story here and a strong first chapter. If I read this in a bookstore, I'd probably buy the book to see how it goes. You've certainly managed to create a set of believable, compelling characters, in particular Grace, and I look forward to reading more about them. Don't hesitate to contact me if you have any questions about this review, and I would be more than happy to read it again if you chose to make edits. Also don't hesitate to let me know about future installements, I'll be happy to take a look.
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Review of Misery  Open in new Window.
Review by Kitzie Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (3.5)
Overall impression:
You do a very good job here at describing the bleakness of the room and its inhabitants, with a wealth of details that paint a vivid picture for the reader. Overall, though, this text feels more like a writing exercise than a short story. I got to the end and remained unsure about the point of the story. This is not a criticism per se, since I'm not sure whether it was your intent or not.

What I liked most:
As mentionned above, wonderful descriptions.

Internal coherence:
"On the bed was a man who had no use for the TV, he slept quietly in the darkness of his room while a woman restlessly shifted her weight in her chair. The man wore a painful expression on his face, as if he were experiencing a miserable dream, but I don't think he was sleeping. " I was a little confused here, as both statements are contradictory. I would suggest maybe "On the bed was a man who had no use for the TV, he appeared to sleep quietly in the darkness of his room while a woman restlessly shifted her weight in her chair" or something along those lines.

Conclusion:
A very good portrait of the bleak world of hospitals. Well done!
10
10
Review by Kitzie Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (4.5)
Overall impression:
This is a very good story, a little short, in my opinion, but powerful nonetheless. You've made an interesting narrative choice here by using almost only dialogue but I think you've nailed the voices of the characters and the language feels authentic. There is not a lot of exposition in this story and whatever little bits of background you have given us is inserted in the dialogue in a way that doesn't feel stilted at all.

What I liked most:
The last sentence of the story is just perfect.

Orthograph and grammar:
I didn't find any typos or grammatical errors. If I migt make a suggestion, however, I would change the third to last paragraph, which currently reads:The hardtop slowly transcended down into the trunk. The wind rushed over Jamaal. He lowered his game, letting it fall to the floorboard. Then, Jamaal peered up into the speckled night.. I would suggest instead: :The hardtop slowly transcended down into the trunk. The wind rushed over Jamaal. He lowered his game, letting it fall to the floorboard. Then, he peered up into the speckled night..

Conclusion:
With Jamaal, you have created a compelling character, using only a few lines of dialogues to make him real and interesting. The reader can't help but want to know more about him. Very nice work!
11
11
Review by Kitzie Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (5.0)
Overall impression:
You have a chosen a difficult subject matter, at once very personal and, I believe, somehow universal: choices. This is an emotion-filled, reflective piece that raises a lot of interesting questions and shies away from the easy answers.

What I liked:

This is a well-written piece, organized in a clear and methodical fashion, while retaining the intimate tone of an internal monologue.

As mentionned above, you've chosen a subject matter that everyone relates to: life choices. I think it's impossible not to reflect on the paths we've taken and the ones we did not chose. We all take stocks of the things we could not accomplish and compare ourselves with those who did: the ones with the better jobs, the family, the children...

I also like that this piece asks more questions than it gives answers and that you shy away from "count-your-blessings" platitudes. Being aware one is blessed doesn't make it easier to deal with what we don't have, in my opinion, and I feel this piece is not so much about self-acceptance as it is about the process that may (or not) lead to self-acceptance.

What I liked less:
The color of the font is very light against an equally light backgroundm which makes your text difficult to read.

Conclusion:
An interesting, introspective piece that raises interesting questions and gives a lot of food for thoughts. Thank you for sharing this with us!
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