I love this!! What a different way to introduce me to dragons and a girl called Alex! Normally I would not be interested in dragon stories, but this caught my eye due to the unusual starter.
Are we going to have sequels as the dragon and Alex (Fluffy) travel home, have adventures etc? I would love to read them...please?
I think you have done a very good job with this. Apart from the obvious spelling and grammatical errors, the development is good, you have kept the suspense until the end and definitely given a feeling of intense emotion. If anything, the end where you find the killer, is too short... I would like to see a little more description of the person, as told by the wife, so the reader becomes engaged with disliking him as well.
Fabulous! What a different perspective of a hanging! I particularly like the ending, first the thoughts about his last sights and sounds, then the wondering about death itself and finally the little girl, which turns the whole thing totally macabre.
Your inclusion of the thought in italics about the little girl and the use of her at te end has lifted this from a good to an excellent piece in my opinion.
Wow!! Whata personal and intense piece of writing!!
The fact that someone who only went to war to report on the events could be pyschologically damaged and turn into a veteran is a great angle to the norm. Taking his inner thoughts and showing how the phychosis was waning, then events brought it back with a bang was a masterful stroke of development.
I don't normally read anything military but this grabbed me from the start as it was much more the human story than the war.
Ooo scarey story!! So much left unsaid at the beginning and the end of this, I want more and I want it now! This short story could well be the trailer for a novel which I for one would be happy to read. It brought memories of an abusive relationship back with a bang - although it was years ago, you tapped into the feelings so well with your choice of words.
Overall
This poem hit me immediately as it was so short and needed several readings to identify that the soup was just a cover for some very deep emotions.
It has left me wondering what the link is with the passion and the soup? There are endless possibilities in my mind, but perhaps I am perverted?
Ideas
I am confused by the - at the end of line 6. Personally I would swap the two lines around so it read
'Soaking up
the passion - '
However, you may now be foaming at the mouth because I have completely missed the point!!
I hope you do not think my review unhelpful - I write loads of poetry so am used to people not 'getting' it sometimes.
I really was taken with this poem as soon as I saw it. The unusual layout is the first striking thing, but works well in the context.
Although it does not rhyme, you have the assonance which makes it flow. I really like the final words for each stanza, they are a type of summing up of that particular verse.
Only one niggle in my mind - the word 'Grand'. As English and especially poetry is very subjective, I am sure others are fine with the word, but I would like to see an alternative.
First Impression
I really liked this! It is often difficult in a short story to develop tension well along with a good plot, but you had me gripped from the start. The ending was a twist, but somewhat predictable, although it was not what I had envsioned, so perhaps that makes it a good twist?
Plot
You had the obsessive nature of the artist completely right; his endless reproducing of the person. However, I would have liked a little more detail about thecopies; what mediums had he used, or were they all sculptures? I was also a little confused by his sculpting in the clay then at the end mixing a palette, which indicates paint?
Ending
I had the oddest feeling that Jon had encased her in the clay so was making her coffin! Perhaps I just have a totally bizarre sense of mystery. The ending was my least favourite part of the story, but I can see how you wanted the continuum of the obsession past the story end.
I love this short story mystery genre so will be looking for more from you with interest.
Overall
Ha! I loved the build up to the end of this short story. It had me imagining all sorts of answers from you being a mercy killer to the idea that you were some sort of doctor.
The play on words at the end also made me laugh.
Nit-picky things.
The ending. 'As I said before...' this seems either superfluous or too much repetition for me. However, English is such a subjective thing, others may love it!
Good luck with your writing, I like the twist in the tale!
A touching tribute to the sacrifices made by all our Armed Forces. I love the simplicity of the form, but also the complexity you bring by remembering all the aspects of war. A fitting tribute as wer remember them
Dark is right! I could feel the agony in this well. The idea of wanting to die rather than eternal life is not one explored too often; you have done a very neat job on this.
It also seemed intensely religious; am I right? Another idea for me to explore with my college poetry set!
Hi, I like these teen style poem, although you need to check you're and your as it looks awkward on the page. I see the outcome of this type of relationship every day in college so it struck a chord with me. I shall ask my poetry set to try out the theme for work of their own. Thank you!
This story intrigued me. The overall theme is super with some very good ideas and an interesting ending. However, your style is slightly clumsy in the description area, (sorry I am an English Teacher!) so how about trying to turn some of the phraseology around for a slicker effect? The only other big beef is the use of 'it's' when the apostrophe is not needed.
I like the story, these are only minor criticisms.
Tabitha, I love this!! It started out with a ciouple of minor clumsy grammar points, but when I had read it all I now understand why. The revalation at the end about the dog was funny as I still had it in my mind that there was a girl or child involved. The only point I would make is that the destruction was not described enough at the end to draw out the point of the dog on the couch. That said, I shall be using this as an example of great short story writing with my students!
Alison
It took a while for me to get into this short story but when I realised the angle it intrigued me. I much like the way you have the dreams fighting at the end, but one small criticism may be the ending line. I have no ideas for you, but wondered whether it could be re-worked?
My imagination took me to Monsters Inc, the Disney film, whilst reading this!
I love this memory repetition poem! Being an English Teacher, there are all sorts of ways I have tried to get my pupils writing poetry; this has been an inspiration for me to approach autobiographicak work with my 14 year olds.
Particularly good are the flowers which show use of adjectives, then a sequence of action with the moonflowers. I shall encourage them to try this particular device in their writing.
One very slight criticism - I would have liked the word 'Grandma' separated and indented to make it stand out more! Sorry, just personal preference...
The language used in this made me immediately read it aloud as the sounds and sibilances increased my pleasure. The villanelle is very difficult to tackle to make it flow, which is just what you have done. I have read this to my Shakespeare students who are tackling sonnets; they are full of praise!
I liked this short story as it was akin to a disaster movie, predictable but funny. The end was less interesting as I had guessed it from the middle of the story. My year 11 students enjoyed it as they could see the development of the disasters. Thank you for helping them out!
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