This could use a lot of work. you have a good base for a story though, but flesh it out some.
Details are important, like with the waitress in the bar, maybe describe what she looks like a little, the tray of drinks she spilled, and maybe the reactions of the people moving back from the table?
Gah! You stop there! Evil person! Though you caught my attention. I love the energy in this one.
I like how you didn't have the core characters as the main focus of the story, would have liked a little more detail, but it may have been a little hard with the tempo of the story.
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