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Hi. I am Kimelia . I noticed you are celebrating your WDC anniversary - Congratulations. I hope you enjoy your special day! I really enjoyed reading your work and I hope that my review is helpful.This is only my opinion and whether you agree with my opinion is up to you. If you have any questions about my review, please contact me. Thanks for sharing your work and HAPPY ANNIVERSARY!!!
Title: "The Epic of Akilios"
Author: Blayne May
My overall opinion: Your story was very interesting. Akilios goes on a journey for knowledge but in the end learns that he had the knowledge within him. I think that your story could use a little more description and detail.
Point of View: The point of view is 3rd person limited to Akilios. There are no inconsistencies.
Characters: Akilios is the only character, other than a brief appearance from the goddess Athena. Akilios' character is real and believable.
Plot/Pace: The plot is interesting but the pace is too fast, there is no journey.
Dialogue: There isn't much dialogue but it is believable. You should separate the character's thoughts with italics instead of quotations.
Grammar/Punctuation: There are a few mistakes.
Line by Line:
Akilios drew his short sword and started chopping through the fronds. The insects buzzed all around him, pestering him. "So this is why no one wanted to come with me,” he thought as the sun blazed down upon him through a gap in the trees. This is a thought, not dialogue. You should consider separating his thoughts using italics instead.
Akilios, with his long, dark hair and short beard, was not considered a smart man, but rather powerful. He was considered the best Myrmidon leader since Achilles, for the leader of the Myrmidons he was. The Myrmidons, however, had all but died out. That was why Akilios was alone on this journey. The other Myrmidons had decided it was best for him to go alone into the jungle “to preserve the Myrmidons,” as they had put it. This paragraph doesn't flow very well and is a little robotic (there's not enough description or emotion). Also, if their goal is to preserve the race, why would they send their leader on this quest?
So here Akilios was, in the middle of the jungle, with insects still swarming down on him to feast on him, when he spotted what appeared to be the ruins of a temple. “Thank Zeus!” he cried, and he tore off into the entrance. I understand that this is a short story and that it will move at a faster pace and have fewer details than a longer one, but there is nothing leading to this point, no journey. Where was the challenge? He entered the fronds to find the temple, swatted at insects, and there was the temple before him. There needs to be more.
Inside the temple, it was as if the gloom of Hades himself had descended upon the forsaken place. Akilios took one step and heard a swoosh! sound. He ducked just in time. A volley of arrows passed in the air right where he had just been by, narrowly missing his head.
He walked a bit further. For some reason, several times Akilios thought he heard hooves stepping on the cold stone, along with snorting, but looking around, he saw nothing. (Hesitating, he walked further into the temple. Several times, Akilios thought he heard snorting and the sound of hooves on the cold stone of the temple floor, but when he turned there was nothing there.
Akilios got to the main room in the temple and stopped to rest. (Arriving at the main room of the temple, Akilios stopped to rest. He heard the hooves again, but louder and quicker in pace. He looked up to see a red-eyed Minotaur swing its enormous two-edged axe in Akilios’s his direction. The leader of the Myrmidons, fabled warrior, ducked and drew his sword. Swinging again, the bull-headed creature bellowed in rage. “If I get out of here alive, it will be a miracle,”(this is a thought, not dialogue. Akilios thought, as he parried another blow from the Minotaur. Again, he has arrived at the main room of the temple and in need of rest, but from what? Where is the journey?
Then he spotted it! A leather-bound book was sitting on a table in the middle of the room. It had to be the Book of Athena. Upon spying the legendary Book, Akilios knew exactly what he had to do to defeat the Minotaur. He feinted to his right, and then quickly lunged to the left. The huge monster swung in the wrong direction, and Akilios stabbed his short sword straight into the heart of the Minotaur. It fell to the ground and gave one last moan. The battle was over. This is a good, descriptive paragraph.
The room was completely silent. Akilios went to the book, knelt down, and gave thanks to Athena. Start a new paragraph here:Suddenly, an image of a woman in godly armor appeared right in from of him. With awe, he realized, “Athena herself is right in front of me!” that it was Athena herself. “Thank you, mighty Athena,” he said, still not believing his eyes, “for your wonderful Book that gave me the knowledge to defeat the Minotaur.”
Majestic Athena, goddess of wisdom and war, laughed and replied, “do not thank me, Akilios, for this is not my Book. It was destroyed long ago. You had the wisdom you desired all along.”
Akilios could only stare in amazement, and then he smiled. With a smile still on his face, he walked out of the temple and back to his faithful Myrmidons.
Final Thoughts
HAPPY ANNIVERSARY! Thanks for sharing your work. |
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