It sounds like you’ve got a really interesting world here. I’m a fan of Dragons and Spirit World kinds of things so this is my jam.
I’m coming into this chapter without having read your previous chapters so there may be some things I’m missing – please take that into account.
I like how Tyollis is always scratching or rubbing his chin – it seems like a bit of a he isn’t fully cognizant he has, something that real people do. It adds an authenticity to him. I also like the way he’s constantly aware of the body language of the people around him. It seems very “warrior” like for him to be accessing situations and people based on their posture and facial expressions rather than just what’s been said to him.
Things I noticed you may want to revisit:
Beginning: “breezy” and “wind blowing” are pretty different so you might want to say “The air was warmer than previous months, though still cold” without adding the “breezy” part.
This may be something I don’t understand – but I thought you might have meant: “Tyollis turned away from the head of the force”.
“Does anybody have an idea on how it spread, or where it came from?” – someone has suggested it was the deer so you might want to say “any other ideas” since he’s been given one already.
Consider “I ask you let us leave so we can get to Veresses.” Or “I ask you let us leave for Veresses.” (Right now it sounds like the man is telling Tyollis to go to Veresses – to me.)
Couple of things to look at here: “He looked over the marks and lines and notes jotted down in thin blocky lettering, finding their rode. His eyes glanced to the legend, and caught the measurements. One inch=fifty miles.” You’ve got this fantasy, horse riding feel going on so you can probably make “rode” work though it seems odd. Also, this feels like a time in which the maps wouldn’t have been that accurate.
“something fumbled into his pocket” – Consider “someone fumbled in his pocket” or “something tumbled from his pocket”.
I thought a wraith was a spirit creature so you may want to do a little explaining of what it’s capable of and what kind of tracks it would leave. If you’ve addressed this in an earlier chapter, don’t worry about adding it here.
Final Thoughts:
I see really great bones here – cool world, hints of creepy problems with spirits and wraiths, and Dragons (who doesn’t love dragons??). What I do recommend is giving us a little more of Tyollis – as in, what does he fear here? What does he really want and why? We see a little bit of what he mistakenly believes about Branston, but give us a little more of his misbeliefs if you can. What does he think about the possibility that the spirits are planning something? Is he skeptical? Does he think its superstitious nonsense? Maybe these things are clear in other chapters, but I think the more you’re able to bring out exactly what all these things mean to Tyollis at each turn, the better your whole book/story will be overall. Plot is great, but ground us in the story a little more – make these things really, really matter to Tyollis.
I am not a parent, but the desperation to have everything ready, to make Christmas a magical day for children while still keeping your sanity rings out from this story. This is a fun story and I think the truth of the wonder and exasperation of parenting is palpable throughout.
What I especially Liked:
I can absolutely feel how tired these parents are. The main character’s frustration with themselves over getting toys they were going to have to put together is humours and tangible. Perhaps my favorite part is how hilariously the plan to try to get them in bed backfires - the kids are suddenly distraught and now these parents have to find a way to soothe their worries and try to get them to actually go to sleep.
What Needs Improvement:
I would’ve liked to have had a little more information about what the toys were, how long the parents had been waiting, what they were doing to pass the time even as we hear it ticking away but none of that is necessary.
Spelling and Grammar:
I believe the story flowed well and while I am not the best at catching grammatical or spelling errors, I didn’t see anything obvious.
Other Comments:
I really enjoyed this overall. I would be curious to know if the children slept in the next morning because they’d stayed up so late the night before or if they were still up at the crack of dawn but, again, the story stands on its own quite well.
Sonorous Overall:
The voice is compelling and engrossing and the descriptive language is visceral. The combination of horror and tragedy through the eyes of a creature that doesn’t quite emote in a way that is comfortable for an “average human” is especially impressive. What I especially Liked:
I don’t know that I can say enough how much I enjoyed the language. The descriptions are vivid but it’s done without wordiness or losing pace with the moving the story along. The character is frightening in the best possible way – there’s a great sense of the timeless of her life and the way that makes her outlook on the world different from a human’s. She’s powerful and sneaky.
Using magic as a weapon isn’t unheard of, but it’s brought to life beautifully. It felt very natural to the story and while some writers might have made it felt like a “gimmick”, this story nails it. The pattern of the language complements the music aspect too.
Plus I used to play the flute so I was a sucker for that bit. What Needs Improvement:
I struggled with “Suddenly, I cut their strings […]” I think because she is still very much their puppeteer which is made clear by the rest of the sentence but left me reworking what the first part meant. I think something in the vein of “I lifted the fog from their minds” might make it so the reader doesn’t “stutter” over the sentence. Other Comments:
I would love to see what this character does next!
You have some very distinct personalities here and having worked in a hotel briefly, I especially feel the receptionist's pain. I have absolutely met these people in hotels and working in retail so it's really easy to picture them. They certainly are vivid and distinct!
One minor thing I noticed was "heaving a big sign of relief" which I'm assuming you'll want to change to "sigh".
I would like to see a little more description of when the guests are in the dining room. You mention two of the guests are sitting alone but is the "gentleman" frowning at his phone or berating the waitstaff or giving a loud, difficult order? Is the old woman reading a book or scowling at a salad? And then, does the young man leave with the woman he spoke to or does she toss a drink in his face and leave?
One of the things I noticed was that initially, it seemed like the receptionist was the point of reference as far as the perspective of the story. Then at dinner, there isn't any "concrete" perspective. At the end, the perspective shifts clearly to Nancy's. I think working with a single perspective or giving a more developed sense of transitions between the perspectives would help the story a great deal.
When the rude young man is being lewd and the receptionist says she's not pairing him with anyone, I think the "I'm enraged" part of the young woman's response is unnecessary and a little awkward. I think describing her tone as acerbic or maybe if she sneered "I'm not in the habit of drinking with strangers" you would make the moment stronger.
Also, with Nancy's perspective at the end, if you decide to stick with having her thoughts at the end, I recommend making her thought a little more succinct. For example, "All in the same situation, all different, all seven of them gathered in the hotel lobby, and they couldn't have been more different." That last sentence is strong but it gets a little lost in the "reflecting on" parts that proceed it.
I think you did a great job of bringing the situation to life and playing the characters off each other in the lobby and I enjoyed reading your story!
I love some of your verbs like “tottered to the kitchen”. “Tottered” is such a visual word but also, it’s incredibly evocative of a very particular feeling that comes with moving that way making it so that I not only “saw” Tom, I “felt” how Tom felt - that not yet awake stiffness. I love the unimpressed Oliver and again, the verb “scrabbled”.
The “main/Maine” joke took me awhile to get. I was wondering if it might be easier to get if you capitalized “the” in this case for people to follow the pun.
Even though the story is only 300 words, I have a great sense of who Tom is and how he interacts with the world. I realize that this had to be short because of where it was entered, but I would love to see him with his kids (if he has them) or, even better, his grandkids or nephews and nieces (or any like 8-year-old children really - neighbors or something if not relatives) because I think kids could be such a great foil for him.
My favorite pun is definitely the “spring cleaning” joke though the “pool table” comes in pretty close. “Quipped” is such a fitting word here too and comes with such a specific tone of voice that again it plays on more than one sense.
You did a great job of weaving the puns through the story and still moving the story along without getting too hung up on making the jokes and Tom is a wonderful character.
I really feel like I can hear your cat cry for attention and his purr when you pet him! The sweetness of the relationship that you have is evident in you tone and word choice. Having a couple of lines that rhyme in each verse was a nice choice I think because it adds a sense of rhythm In the verses. I did think a few of the lines feel awkward to me syllables wise. “It was painful to see” feels like it breaks the pattern a little bit and just feels a little short. I can see how this might be on purpose to help convey the discomfort you felt seeing the condition of the kitten at the time but if you're looking to keep the flow the same, this line - to me - breaks the pattern. The other line I personally find difficult is “and lovely, fluffy, soft fur”. There’s something in either the order of the words or the pattern of the sounds that makes this sentence awkward. I found myself “tripping” over this line, even in my mind when not reading out loud. Playing with the order of the words might help the line feel less odd. Like “lovely, soft, fluffy fur” maybe? I’d also like to know if you found him somewhere and rescued him or what the situation was that you were hoping he had a chance. That's not necessarily something you’d have to add, but I imagine there are others who would like to know as well. I’m so glad you have a happy, healthy kitty!
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