Good continuation of your story. Interesting build-up in the tensions between the Human invaders and their Elven captives, a bit of foreshadowing for an upcoming greater conflict perhaps?
Mechanics-wise, I do have one or two observations/thoughts. First one is in the direct use of the highlander dialect. I'm not real sure what the best way to do the language in written form, so you may want to dig a little bit, and see if there is a standard format for this.
Second, I had to go back and check the "*" for the transition from past to present tense. You may need to have something more distinct for this changeover. Maybe a distinct separator line between the paragraphs may work a bit better.
Again, overall I liked your work, and hope to read more. Thank you for sharing your vision.
What I'm liking about the main works in your portfolio, is that you have a tendency to show different styles of presentation. This one, which takes it from a first person perspective of someone writing various entries in his journal, is a great delivery vehicle for the rest of the story.
About the only things I would recommend would be checking the spelling and structure of the paragraphs. Also, I'm not sure if there's a way to do it, but you may want to get a bit more of a chronological perspective as the story progresses. This may help bring the whole piece together better.
Very cool little piece of work here. Good description of the action, and had a really nice graphic novel feel to it. I like the fact that the "guardian" was so vague in its' description, good touch on that.
You might want to consider expanding this out a bit one day.
Good use of visualization techniques in the description, I like the analogy of unseen, phantom-like forces ripping the relationship apart.
The poem sets up the atmosphere and mood from the start, and carries it throughout to the end, which helps to remind us of the pain and loss after a first love is gone.
Interest crossover between high-seas swashbucklers of old and sci-fi. I ran into some problems with scene transition from paragraph to paragraph at times, which tended to slow down the overall flow of the action.
You might want to include a brief paragraph at the beginning, giving a brief overall view of the universe you have created before jumping straight into the action. This would definitely help the reader with the visualizations as the storyline progresses. Taking a brief descriptive sentence or two with the characters as they were introduced may further augment your vision for your work.
Beyond that, keep it up, and good hunting!!
Printed from https://writing.com/main/profile/reviews/kfearley
All Writing.Com images are copyrighted and may not be copied / modified in any way. All other brand names & trademarks are owned by their respective companies.
Generated in 0.07 seconds at 4:31am on Nov 23, 2024 via server WEBX1.
View Portfolio
Visit Notebook
Send Gift Points
Awards
Badges
Send Email
Community Newsfeed
General Discussion
Sponsored Items
Book of Trinkets
Static Items
Books
Groups
Interactive Stories
Audio
Campfire Creatives
Community Notes
Crossword Puzzles
Documents
Folders
Images
In & Outs
Madlibs
Photo Albums
Polls
Product Reviews
Quizzes
Survey Forms
Web Pages
Word Searches
