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Review of The Emigrant  Open in new Window.
Review by kfcnhc Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 18+ | (4.0)
Hey Bob!

I had to type this out in notepad, so please ignore if I missed capital letters or misspelled things from your story since I was unable to copy and paste it for some reason...

Here are my thoughts on this first part:

I noticed you have a lot of white space, or single line paragraphs. My first suggestion is kind of general, but as I go through more thoroughly down below I will likely have more helpful suggestions. Anyhow, there is a lot of dialogue and some actions happening, and it seems like there should be a lot more uncomfortableness (actions/feelings/thoughts) going around between the man and his ex. Maybe even a bit of nervous excitment from the man in his anticipation of his trip, his gift, and the possibility of one last hurra!


***


I want to say I love how they are at McDonalds ha! I am glad to hear that it is not the norm any more in the future. Though meat from vats? LOL

This is more of a suggestion to bring the reader a little closer into the character's head, but it is not necessary to change what you have either.

When Mark saw them waiting at a table, he breathed a sigh of relief.

(I just wanted to note this, but to bring a reader closer you want to try and get rid of words like 'saw' since when you describe what they see, the reader then knows the character saw it.)


He sighed. They were already waiting at a table for him.

They were already at a table. He breathed a sigh of relief.


(also, but I think that for sighs you sometimes need to say what kind of sigh it is since they can say a lot and you need a lot of context to not name the feeling it conveys. But, relief is a feeling and when getting into a character's head you rarely want to name the feeling, but show it. Here though, I think it is necessary. Here is an example just in case I am not being clear: He slapped her in anger. As apposed to: He slapped her. This is a fairly easy example, but I think it makes sense. Sighs can be used to show sarcasm, frustration, relief, longing, and so on. But I think because we don't know who 'they' are to him yet, we don't know what the sigh means, so I suggest keeping it. I hope this little tangent was at least entertaining!)


Okay, so a few things. First, maybe instead of a sigh, since a lot of people use this, including myself, maybe have him blink back some tears of relief because he wasn't sure if they'd be there. Something like:

Tears blurred his vision. "They came," he whispered.

His legs went weak, and he grabbed the nearby counter to steady himself. "They came..."

This feels like it should be an emotional moment for him. He wants to see his son and his ex one last time before he leaves. Plus, he's leaving on a possibly dangerous trip.



I busted out my Emotional Thesaurus (if you don't have one, it's marvelous!) to see if there was anything I thought would work here since I know blinking back tears is also a little cliche.

These are just generic ideas I am taking right from the book in case if you don't have one of these babies:


Covering the mouth with a hand
trembling hands
a slow smile
wobbly legs/buckling knees
gaping mouth
struggling to speak/loss of words or to find right words
looking heavenward
calling out in release
Dry mouth
an unexpected release of tension



***

Since he feels relief about seeing them and then sighs, I think you can remove 'He hadn't been sure they would come' since his relief of them being there already implies that.

I think that it gives the following sentence about the lawyer being persuasive a little more punch and flows nicely into it.


***

His ex-wife glanced up from her seat and offered him a tight smile.

It's not necessary, but you can take out 'him' without changing too much.

***


She looked gorgeous, wearing a blue cheongsam and with her red hair secured in a bun.

All right! So instead of telling us he thinks she's gorgeous, show us what he finds gorgeous about her. It's sort of like nameing a feeling. I'm not saying someone wouldn't think the word gorgeous, but the descriptions that his eyes are taking in should lead us to the conclusion, especially with the line 'She was reminding him of what he was missing. It hurt', which I love those lines by the way, and tells the readers that she looks good.

I'm not saying to get crazy with the descriptions, but highlight them. If that makes sense. Such as her hair. Take it out of the sentence:

red hair secured in a bun.

It feels a little flat. Something simple like it being swept up in a bun, or even changing red to something like crimson or ruby just to add a little flare in how he describes her.

***

Mark tousled Jimmy's blond mop then turned to his ex. “Hello, Judy. Thanks for coming.”


I feel like he should have some kind of body language going on here. I can imagine one of them not wanting to make eye contact, him offering a meek wave of sorts, or her turning her face away from him and looking into the distance, or focusing on the kid by fixing his tousled hair *Smile*

I think you also need a comma between 'mop' and 'then'.


***


Since it seems like they are not on the best of terms, I guess I would expect her to be a little terse with him at first. I know I feel that way when I am around my daughter's father, and we weren't even married. Just a few suggestions on her dialogue in some parts if you want to go that rout till she comes aroundish.

"Why don't you sit?" she said. (After thinking about it, if you want to leave this add a little something about her. What is her face saying? Does she look irked? Impatient? Does she cross her arms over her chest, tap her foot.)

"Sit." She said, waving at the seat across from her.
or even "Take a seat."





“I’m curious why we're in Paris, though I appreciate the first-class airplane tickets and five-star hotel.”

"As much as I appreciate the first-class plane tickets and the five-star hotel, why Paris?"

"As much as I appreciate the first-class plane tickets and the five-star hotel, why did you drag us here?"

This one I had debated on, but she sounds too nice. Likely the 'I'm curious'. I can see her being a bit skeptical about his motives.


***

This is me being a little nitpicky, but it can save you a few words if you decide to change any of it.

A waitress dressed as a yellow duck—Birdie The Early Bird, apparently—interrupted their talk.

All right! So first, I had no idea that that was the bird's name! But, I knew exactly who you were talking about in the line. Anyhow, I feel like this can be condensed some.

A waitress dressed as a yellow duck interrupted their talk.

or

A waitress dressed as Birdie the Early Bird interrupted their talk.

or even

A waitress--Birdie the Early Bird--interrupted their talk.

I would imagine that anyone judging the contest is old enough to know which McDonald character this is, which is why I suggest trimming out some of it to save you some words.

Also, I feel like 'conversation' might be a stronger word than 'talk' here.

***

She curtsied in a comical fashion, the only way she could while wearing a costume that turned her arms into wings...

I love this image!

***


I really like the futuristic idea you have here of the wrist bands for scanning medical info.

“You may as well extract my bank details, too. While we're waiting, could you entertain our son in your play area.”

I am not sure here since I know there are times when something LOOKS like a question, but really isn't. If I remember correctly that if the person is expecting an answer to use a question mark and if they don't expect an answer you don't use one. This seems more like him just posing it as a question to be polite, but it is more of him telling her to take the son off to play. It may be more of a judgement call on this one. I just felt I needed to point it out.

***



Judy released Jimmy. “Have fun!”

This dialogue felt very abrupt. I laughed because I imagined her not only releasing her grip, but giving him a little nudge because she is somewhat relieved to get rid of him for a little bit. I can totally sympathize with that sentiment, but I don't think that was what you were going for. Maybe something like after releasing him saying something like, "Okay, honey. Go have fun." It feels more reluctant to let him go off and matches her earlier reaction to grabbing him.

***


“It's certainly unique.” She studied the menu. “Is it true they use real meat.”

Question mark after meat.


***

Okay, I will have to finish another time. My husband comes home tomorrow evening after being gone for almost three weeks, so I likely won't send you the next part till Friday.


Happy writing, and I hope this helps!

Kathleen













*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!Open in new Window..
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2
Review of Jack's Solution  Open in new Window.
Review by kfcnhc Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 18+ | (3.5)
Hi Bob!

Since you've requested that I do a review, here it is! I will skip my blah-blah-blahs and get to it for you:

I just wanted to say that I love the ending. I was so not expecting this and did not put it together till the end. Maybe it's my age as I did not know his full name, not that I am all THAT young *Smile* But I imagine you did your research by the information you used to drop hints through out so that there was no mistaking who this man is by the end. Nicely done!

***


He adjusted his vintage jacket and straightened his kipper tie.

This reads a little clunky to me. I think it's the separate, maybe even somewhat similar, descriptions of him fixing these two pieces of clothes. I suggest changing 'adjusted' since it is a little ambiguous, but straighten is a very visual. How did he adjust the jacket? Did he dust it off? Tug the sleeves? Nothing too crazy, just a different word I think would work better and make it smoother.



Facing the full-length bedroom mirror, he brushed his blond hair and chuckled. He looked like Austin Powers. At forty-five, he was old for the role, gray strands readily visible amongst the blond, but fortunately he inherited his father's good looks.

I feel like some of this can be combined to really bring it together and maybe even cut down on a few words.

Facing the full-length bedroom mirror, he brushed his blond hair and chuckled. He looked like an older Austin Powers with his gray strands readily visible amongst the blond,...

Something else I have an issue with is the Austin Powers comparrision since AP has brown hair. It's not a bad one, just hard for me to imagine AP with blonde hair. This one is just more of an opinion.



He exited his bedroom and marched down the corridor to an incongruous steel door.

This is likely to not be super helpful, but something about 'to an incongruous steel door' feels off. I am thinking it is the word 'to'. I guess I am thinking something like 'and marched down the corridor and stopped before an incongruous door' sounds a little more descriptive, if that make sense. What you have isn't wrong or bad, it just feels a little bare.



Time for the first, and last, human trial.

I really like this. Upon first reading it, I wasn't sure what to expect, and it raised a lot of questions. Especially since it had a finality about it. I just assumed it meant he planned to stay in the past. Boy was I wrong!



I won't paste it here, but I love the explanation about how location is so important to time travel. This is a really nice touch.



Then at the end of that same paragraph you have this little line:
He just had to be patient.

For a short story word limits make something like this harder to squeeze in, but what does his impatience look like? I didn't get that feeling from his thoughts, since that would be a logicaly place to show it. But, neither did I notice any type of physical behavior such as tapping a finger or toe impatiently as he waits, or maybe more clothes adjusting. Nothing big since word count is important and I saw you have 2,000 words already which is likely the limit.



I really like the added touch about his daughter and the additional hints about the other girls. The only thing is that I assumed he was going back in time to save his daughter, but that was before I knew who he was and his plan. I am wondering if there is a way to let the reader know he wasn't going back for her, but for another purpose since we don't know his personal connection to the other girls yet.



Tonight, this goal would come within his eager grasp

I really like this line.



The familiar intro to The Final Countdown reached his ears,...

Seriously? This is awesome.



The time travel capsule's lid popped open and dry ice billowed out, reminding him of Marty McFly's DeLorean.

This is a great description! The only thing is that 'dry ice' is the solid part. I had to look that up myself to see if there was a difference. From what I found you can just say something such as 'smoke from the dried ice billowed out...'



...but wasn't sure exactly where he'd arrive and didn't want to soil his glad rags.

I had to look this one up too *Smile* I have never heard of glad rags before. And I was beginning to think I wouldn't learn something new today! Though for the most part I understood from the context of the sentence, so you don't worry that it wasn't clear.



...God forbid—leave him stuck in some hellish dimension where his lost soul suffered through eternity. Perhaps he deserved such a fate.

I really like this (very reflective of him and his questionable past) and, since I know the ending, my raised question about why he felt this way is a nice touch to who he is.



His whole body vibrated with alien energy.

Great description!



...though it would change much by the time he came from.

I stumbled over this some, partly understanding partly the wording, the first time reading it. After a second read it did make sense, but I suggest rewording it to smooth it out.



He took his first step, and something squelched underfoot. He glanced down at the canine excrement. “Seriously?”

Hahahaha I love this little bit. I had actually put something like this in a piece I had been working on recently.



Thank goodness for his protective clothing.

This felt a little tacked on. If you don't want to remove it, I suggest a change of wording. Especially 'goodness'. It feels weak. Especially after stepping in poop. Maybe replacing it with something like 'God'. But I really don't think the sentence is necessary. Since he strips the protective suit only a few lines down, you might even say something about his stripping off the crap encrusted suit *Smile*



An illuminated sign advertised Batley Variety Club and today's headline act, Shirley Bassey

My only suggestion here, and it is only if you need to eliminate a few words upon editing, but you can probably ditch 'Shirley Bassey' since it isn't critical info to the story. If you don't need the extra 2 words it would give you, it doesn't hurt anything. Just a thought.



Okay, so this isn't my area of expertise and this could be me nit-picking too, but toward the beginning Jack is 'packing' English notes and at the club he is using shillings. Since I am unfamiliar with England's denominations of currency, I wasn't sure if he gave shillings, or got coins back like we do with dollars and coins. Like I said, this is probably me being nit-picky and ignorant of the currency system, but I figured it wouldn't hurt to point it out if it could help.



Mary Evans brushed back a length of ginger hair, caught sight of him, and smiled. Her purple dress hung like a sack and failed to display her feminine curves to their full potential.

All right, a few things here. I wouldn't change him using his mother's first name since it adds to the mystery, though I'd remove the last name maybe. I'm a little on the fence about that suggestion. I can see him thinking it in a reminiscent way, but it may be something you can take out if you need an extra word.

Also, I have to say looking back how it's a little creepy the way he's checking his mom out and how well he seems to know her curves. I like the description, but maybe change 'feminine' to 'youthful'. It would sound less sexual. But, I don't know a lot about his mommy issues. It's been a lot of years since I've watched anything about Jack. So it might even be appropriate. You likely know more about it than I do, so this could be more of a judgement call.



Glass in hand, he turned to the two women.

This could be a little leaner by removing 'to'.

Try something like:

Glass in hand, he faced the two women.

***

All right! I need to stop here, but I'll finish tomorrow night. I don't remember there being too much, but I also just read through it without my reviewer hat on.

I hope this helps!

Tomorrow I will have the rest done a little earlier since I know you are on a deadline. Also, if there is anything you need me to do in the review to make it easier for you to read, like adding colors or more dividers or whatever, just let me know. I'll have more time tomorrow to put a little extra pizzazz if you need to make it easier to look at.

Happy writing,

Kathleen











*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!Open in new Window..
3
3
Review by kfcnhc Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 18+ | (4.0)
Hello Robert,

My name is Kathleen and I saw you were looking for a review. I love to read for fun, but I also love reading books and blogs on writing craft. So, hopefully I’ll be able to offer you some good advice and/or suggestions. Please feel free to keep or discard anything I offer. It is your story, not mine. I get a bit longwinded, so don’t panic that this review is long, I just take a lot of time to explain my reasoning or when I can I offer examples to be clearer. For the first half I will tell you about all the things I loved.

***


I have to say your dialogue was spot on for me! I loved the back and forth between Jeremy and Stephen. I found it to be very entertaining and funny.


Now, I don’t watch or read many vampire stories, but I really enjoyed yours. The main reason I mention my typical lack of interest in vampire stories is because I have never heard of vampires only feeding off the opposite sex, they aren’t soulless and just different, and how she is Christian. They may be things I have just not encountered, but I liked those twists/surprises you have here. They raised a few questions for me, but I felt satisfied not having them answered. Good short stories should do that. *Smile*


Adding to the part of Susan only drinking from males, I really like how you turned it into a mistress against wife type thing. I thought it was pretty clever!

I am going to color code this a little so that if you want to skips sections you only have to look for a color change.


***


I hope you don’t mind me pasting some of my favorite lines from your work that had great dialogue and actions. I find this just as beneficial for a writer to see what works (for me as a reader) *Smirk*:


Stephen halted and grabbed Jeremy’s arm. “You want to catch it?”

(I can completely see this and I agree with Stephen questioning Jeremy.)


He resumed walking. “I am the authorities.”

(I love this line!)


Stephen ran a hand through his hair. “The Army?”

(I have tried to have my characters do this and I just cannot get them to pull it off without it sounding odd or I have them pulling hair out. This is simple and smooth. Possibly like Stephen’s hair?)


“What about the Church? They excommunicate demons.”
“Exorcise, you mean.”
“Yes, that as well….


(Oh my goodness! I burst out laughing at “They excommunicate demons.” Then I had to double check that I understood the meaning of excommunicate and laughed even harder. Then the last line. Perfect!)


…a wooden gateway designed to allow only one person past at a time.

(I love this description)


A lady came in sight, skipping through the trees, swinging a lantern. Her low-cut, Regency dress emphasized her feminine curves. Black hair cascaded across her slender shoulders, and her heart-shaped face belonged to a goddess. She was perfect.

(The thing that stood out to me here was how you had described her in such a way that even without the last line, I could tell the character found her attractive. I usually see people just say the person was attractive and not say what makes them attractive to the character. What I like and they like will be different. It paints a better picture and adds to the character. Nicely done!)


“Good God, man. Where’s your courage?” He took a crowbar from his bag and forced the door.

(I love this whole thing.)


He positioned his stake between her breasts, trying to ignore how plump and pretty they looked.

(Can I just say, typical guy. Nice touch!)


“Make sure you give it a good whack.”
Jeremy glared at his friend, tempted to whack him instead.


(I would have been annoyed too!)


“Why ask me? I’m an atheist.”
“Says the man holding a cross and holy water.”


(Good point *Smirk*)


Susan stepped closer and brushed a cobweb off his shoulder.
She adjusted his coat’s lapels.


(I like how she gets pretty friendly with him. Casually.)


God help him, he was snogging a soulless beast!

(I have only seen the word snogging used by one other writer and I just love this word. It has a fun/goofy sense to it for me.)


Since it spanned quite a few sentences I will just summarize. I like how the clergyman pointed out how Jeremy can help the wives not feel so left out.


***

All right! On to a few things that I’d like offer my two cents on. Some of them are just purely suggestions.


It looks like you have a lot more single line sentences than you have multi-line paragraphs. It could be that you were restricted word count wise since I saw that this was for a contest, but there were some nice spots for additional details and more internal thoughts (if you decide to add to it) since this came across somewhat close third person POV.


A few things in your first paragraph:

Sir Jeremy Arkwright stepped back to avoid Mrs. Marsden’s garlic breath as the stocky farmer’s wife pointed out the two puncture marks on her husband’s neck. “She's a demon, Magistrate. A blood-sucking fiend. This ain’t the first time, neither.”

I am wondering how important it is that we know his last name? It isn’t used anywhere else in the story and, from what I could tell, held no meaning in the story. If say the farmer or his wife referred to him that way, it could work. I guess I am thinking in terms of short story and saving words. The same goes for the farmers. It might be simpler to just say the famer and farmer’s wife, though you do refer to them by name towards the end.

I also found it difficult to follow “Mrs. Marsden’s garlic breath as the stocky farmer’s wife pointed out”. I thought there were two women at first. That is also why I suggest maybe keeping them only as the farmer and his wife. Otherwise I suggest:

Sir Jeremy Arkwright stepped back to avoid the stocky Mrs. Marsden’s garlic breath as she pointed out the two puncture marks on her husband’s neck.


Because we are entering the scene in the middle of a conversation, I wasn’t sure who the ‘She’s a demon’ referred to. I reread the paragraph trying figure out which she was ‘she’ since I had originally thought there were 2 females there. May I offer:

“It was a demon, Magistrate. She’s a blood-sucking fiend….”



“Leave it with me.”

I don’t’ understand what is being left with him? Is it supposed to be ‘to’ instead of ‘with’?


Stephen and he lit their lanterns
This read a little odd to me. I recommend replacing ‘he’ with Jeremy.


They entered the wood and found a log hidden behind a nearby bush. There, they sat and doused their lanterns.

This is me more thinking out loud, but I wonder if they’d put out their lanterns before hiding in case someone saw their lights move to the log and would know where they were. Maybe shortly after seeing the log and the bush they sneak over in under the cover of darkness since it's nearby.


They settled down to wait, shivering.

This is more of the show don’t tell thing. I passed a few up, but this one stuck out to me. You possibly already know some of this, but as an outsider I can spot it easier.

Most people associate words ending in ‘ly’ or sentences with the word ‘was’ in them as having passive voice, or telling. Another thing to look for is ‘to+verb’. Here you have ‘to wait’. Let’s bring the reader a little closer to the action!

Shivering, they settled down and waited.

Not an awesome example, but I wanted to use what you had so I didn’t end up messing with it too much. Anyhow, the big part is that instead of ‘to wait’ I changed it to ‘and waited’. I have found that it’s a fairly consistent formula ‘and +word ending in ed’. I hope this makes sense and is helpful. And sometimes, ‘to+verb’ is what is needed. You just have to make that judgment call for individual sentences.


He remained frozen until he saw nothing of her except the light of her lantern, then stood.

The ‘then stood’ read a little detached to me. I stumbled over it because it was so far away from what it needed to go with. I suggest just adding a few words for clarification:

… light of her lantern, then he stood.

Or
… light of her lantern, he then stood.


There were a few places where ‘he’ was ambiguous:

“What the deuce?” he exclaimed. “How can she enter hallowed ground?”

He led his friend into the churchyard and to the top of the...

I can guess for the second sentence, but that is only after having thought about it, which means I stopped reading to figure it out.



Stephen tried the door. “It’s locked. Maybe we should come back another day.”

I just wanted to throw this out there. Would you ever consider this little change:
Stephen tried the door. “Locked. Maybe we should come back another day.”


Once again, he retreated to ponder his discovery.

I don’t know why, but ‘ponder’ doesn’t feel like a word this character would use. I could see ‘muse’ or maybe even something like ‘chew over’ since he’s kind of cheeky. Just a thought.

Also, I think you need to move your comma. The way it is now he has already retreated once (which he did) and thought about a ‘discovery’ once (which he didn't). I think it would make more sense if you did something like:

Once again he retreated, and pondered his discovery.
I also did the ‘and+ed word’ here too *Wink*


Stephen’s eyes widened. “You can’t suggest we wake the monster and permit it to talk.”

Something about the ‘You can’t suggest’ kind of throws me. It’s not that it doesn’t make sense, but I am thinking it might flow better with ‘don’t’ in place of ‘can’t’ or having “You aren’t suggesting’ possibly. What you have works, but I did do a double-take.


…the bottle slipped from his hand to shatter…

…the bottle slipped from his hand and shattered…


“Y-you drank Mr. Marsden’s blood. Twice!”

I am assuming this is Jeremy, but I could be wrong so this would be a good spot to clarify who said this. If it’s Jeremy it feels out of character a little. It sounds like he scared. He seems to be familiar with at least the idea of vampires, though he already has the tools so this might be something he does on the side *Smile* But Jeremy seems pretty confident and fearless going after her. Stephen seemed to be the scared one, which brings up another thing. They talk about him being a soldier, so I wonder why he’s so scared. If something happened in his past that is making him so skittish now, it would be a great thing to include in their back and forth dialogue if you decide on adding more to the story.


He gazed into her green eyes and sensed her innocence. He believed her actions harmed nobody. On the contrary, Susan helped people.

I am wondering if she is controlling his thoughts here because this seems like a big jump saying that she is helping. I assume she’s controlling him because he ‘sensed’ her innocence. If that is the case, maybe add something more to clue us in.

I think it just sounds rushed or too much to say she’s exactly helping people. She is in a way, but her actions are harming the men’s relationships with their wives. Sorry, I can be a bit picky about certain things as I am sure you can tell!

He struggled to escape, but she was stronger.

Okay, this one I wanted to point out that my little formula wouldn’t work here, but it’s a great place for stronger imagery/more showing. How is he struggling? Is he kicking/punching/shoving her? Reaching for a weapon? How strong is she? Is her grip like a vise/ten men? Are her nails digging in (a little pain to go with his pleasure)?


…bypassed his neck and landed her lips firmly on his own.
I suggest taking out ‘own’ since ‘his’ implies this. I think it just sounds cleaner, and you have ‘his own’ in the following sentence.


Stephen crouched beside her, anguish in his eyes. “He needs a doctor.”
“No time.” She pressed her wrist to her teeth then placed it over his lips. Warm, coppery liquid filled his mouth. His vision blurred, then everything faded to black.


All right, so I am surprised that Stephen (or Susan) would be so cool with her after having tried to shoot her. After everything, I would expect a number of things from him: trying to shoot her again especially when she got close to Jeremy, and even more so when she goes and dribbles her blood into Jeremy’s mouth; or knocking her away from Jeremy. Now, I know how it is with a contest and how you may have to leave some things out, and that may be the case here. I could see Stephen allowing her to drip blood in Jeremy’s mouth after he checks Jeremy’s pulse/wound/sees all the blood loss and knows there is no choice in the matter. That is a lot to ask of a contest with restrictions, but then again it may not have been pointed out before and this is the kind of details you were looking for in a review.


Stephen materialized next to the vicar with a sheepish expression. “I’m frightfully sorry for killing you, old chap. That was beastly of me.”

This bit of dialogue did not seem to fit all the other dialogue. I am specifically talking about ‘frightfully’ ‘old chap’ and ‘beastly’. Not once did Stephen call Jeremy ‘old chap’ so it feels odd that he would here. You could easily have him say it a time or two throughout to make it sound more natural.

Also, the way this reads is if the vicar had the sheepish expression because it's after the vicar. You'll probably want to reword this so that the expression is with Stephen.


***

I really enjoyed reading this. Seriously. It was a lot of fun and had twists I never would have suspected.

I really hope you are not put off by my pickiness and blathering. If you do edit, change, or add to this I’d love to see what you do.

Keep on writing!

Kathleen










*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!Open in new Window..
4
4
Review by kfcnhc Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 18+ | (4.5)
BobBaker,

This is more of a praise message than a critique.

I found this entry on the humerous poetry contest page. I don't do poetry, but I like humerous pieces. To be honest, I was hesitant about reading it since I am not into politics, but your poem was not what I expected. I loved it, and I am not just saying that. I am usually really knit-picky when I do reviews and they tend to be super lengthy because I comment/talk on a lot of things.

Not only was your piece funny and the story line fun, but I was impressed ( like holy cow this is great and I wish I could do this, type impressed) with the vocabulary and your ability to rhyme and then weave those words in to a story! You have a way with words, and poetry it seems.

I would say more, but my baby is crying. I read a few of the others and yours is the only one I liked and found funny/enjoyable.



Keep on writing!

Kathleen
5
5
Review by kfcnhc Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (3.0)
Hello! My name is Kathleen, and I found your prologue in one of the newbies section. I want to welcome you to WDC! Thank you for sharing your work with everyone *Smile*

Please keep in mind that I am not a professional, but I will offer you my honest opinion, and provide any corrections or suggestions that I am able to give. I apologize in advance for the detailed review I am about to give, but I would be cheating you if I didn't. I personally like them and want them for my own work since they are the most helpful.

Please remember that these are MY opinions and this is YOUR work, so you don't have to use anything that I say here. As somewhat a newbie myself, I know how important it is to get help and ideas for your work. So, take or leave my comments as you see fit, and feel free to ask me any questions regarding this review. *Bigsmile*

First, I want to say, you did a really nice job on the dialogue. You made it flow quite well. A lot of people struggle with that. *Smile*

I enjoyed reading your prologue. You introduced the villain here, which is important to many prologues.

I love stories with magic! They can have endless possibilities *Bigsmile*


I am going to paste a copy of your story here and put my comments, suggestions, corrections, or compliments in red. I have found this easier to follow when a reviewer does this with my work so I would not have to go back and forth. The down side, it looks way longer!

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         Two dark shadows slipped out of the bushes and deeper into the forest. It was midnight, the moon was full, it was bright, and it was high. Nice description here!
         One of them seemed to be a small girl, the other was a tall man. They were running at the same pace when they met the dark stranger.

Might I suggest this?
         Two dark shadows slipped out of the bushes and deeper into the forest. One of them seemed to be a small girl, and the other was a tall man. (You may want to remove “was” here. You have for the first one, the shadow seemed to be a small girl, but the second one is definitely a man)

         It was midnight and the moon was full, it was bright, and it was high. The two shadow were running at the same pace when they met the dark stranger. (Really nice letting us know the time of day and using that to describe the moon! It is pretty important to let your reader know this to set the scene or mood.)

(In the second sentence, I think that you may want to change your wording for “They were running at the same pace…”. Maybe try something like: Together they ran, side by side, when they came upon the dark stranger.


What I did here was a little switch-a-rue with your sentences. You want to keep these ideas together here so that it flows nicely *Smile*. If you change ideas, scene, or characters (action or dialogue), you need a new paragraph.



         "Ah, so you two finally show (maybe change to showed) up... I thought you never would, after all, Rubella...that (since this is just a pause and not a new sentence, you don’t capitalize “that” or have spaces after the ellipsis) servant of yours is quite slow when it comes to carrying out your orders," he snickered, he was a wrinkly old man and looked quite poor- however, powerful.
Okay, a few suggestions here on “he snickered, he was a wrinkly old man and looked quite poor-however powerful”:

he snickered. He was a wrinkly old man and looked quite poor—however, powerful.
Show us how old he looks.

he snickered making the wrinkles of his face bunch up like a prune dressed in a ragged cloth cowl.

Not the best of example, but I wanted to at least offer something to you!

Again, you don’t want to tell us he is powerful.

Electricity crackled along the tips of the old man’s fingers, and raucous thunder rumbled from his throat as he threw his head back to laugh.

Yes, the dreaded show don’t tell thing. I will go into a little better detail at the bottom with a few other pointers I have learned.


         The tall man hissed back at the old man as if he was pretending to be a cat.
You should remove “back” since the old man did not hiss at him first. You want your metaphor to be stronger here, too. Simple fix: The tall man hissed at the old man like a cat.

         "Now, now, Dojio... We'll have none of that," he said pointing at him. Within a second the man was a little kitten. "Now, Rubella... let's make a deal..."

Okay, here you have “he said pointing at him”. I can tell who is doing what, but you don’t want your readers to have to guess these things. Since it is good to mix things up, let’s try this:

"Now, now, Dojio... We'll have none of that," the wizard said while pointing at the other man. You want to find new ways to “name” your characters so that you don’t lose your reader.
In the second sentence, you should use something stronger that is less wordy here since there is “action” happening. Let me bounce this off of you:
"Now, now, Dojio... We'll have none of that," the wizard said as he pointed at the other man, instantly turning him into a cat.

         The little girl scooped up the little kitten that was batting at the old man angrily. "O- of course!" she said wide-eyed. I really like this. It is kind of funny to picture this happening!

         "We'll do it like this; you want the shard right? To swallow it and become invincible, am I correct?"

         "Yes."

         "Then here's the deal," deal.”

         Rubella leaned forward to listen.

         "As a Changer, you rarely get children to accept going to a new world with a modified life, am I correct?"

         "Oh, yes, defiantly," nodded Rubella

         "You must succeed in changing a child's life."

         "Oh please! This could actually be easy, isn't that right Doji?"

         The kitten looked up at her, he still looked angry, after all, it was not easy for him to be such a weak, frail animal.

         The old man raised an eyebrow.

         "All we have to do is search for a child who gives in easily!" Rubella continued. (you should change the period here into a comma) "I think that shard will come to me quite easily!"

Since someone new is speaking here, you need a new paragraph.

? you should remove the ? here

         "No, no it won't," said the old man. "I'm assigning you a specific girl."

? you should remove the ? here

         "Who?" Rubella almost dropped Dojio in shock.

This sentence could be worded a bit better.
In shock, Rubella almost lost her grip on Dojio. “Who?”


         "Hmm... Let's see... A sixteen year-old girl, her name is Tess Avery."

? you should remove the ? here

         "Why?" new speaker, new paragraph

         "No reason."

? you should remove the ? here

         "Well, whatever, can't be too hard." I am thinking that after “whatever” you should change the period to a comma

? you should remove the ? here

         "We shall see about that."

? you should remove the ? here

         "Yeah? Like this Tess person could actually be a challenge for me."

         The old man turned his back to them and slowly began walking back to his log cabin.

It is not necessary to use “began” here, it is already implied. You could reword it like this:
The old man turned his back to them, and leisurely walked back to his log cabin.



         "Wait!" shouted Rubella angrily. You don’t want to tell us she is angry. Show us or use her dialogue to covey it. Have Rubella punctuate her shout with a foot stomp or fists clenched. Make sense?

         The old man slowly turned back to them. "Yes...?" he croaked.

         "Turn my Doji human again right now!"

         "Yes, yes..." He said pointing at Dojio.

         After that, To make this sentence flow better, you may want to remove “After that”in the blink of an eye, Dojio was sitting like a cat on top of Rubella.Great imagry here! I like that he was sitting on her like a cat *Smile* He looked quickly around. "Rubella...?" Nice. I like that he doesn’t realize that he is on top of her!

         Rubella threw him into the bushes.

         He lay there.

The sentences above are for different characters so they need their own paragraph. You may want to pump up these sentences. You don’t want to have too many single line paragraphs. Describe how or why she threw him. What kind of strength did the little girl have/need/use to throw the now normal sized tall man. How did he lay there? Did he yell out anything upon landing or when she threw him? Get the idea? *Smile*

         Rubella ran over to him it is not necessary to have “to him” here. You can replace it with bushes if you wanted.to help him up. "Are you alright, my Doji?" she said pulling on his arm.

         "Yeah, yeah, Im fine." He said quickly getting back to his feet. Then he turned to the old man. "You," he started angrily, "are challenging powers you could never imagine," he took a step toward the old man. The old man laughed. "You think so, Doji?"
A few things here:

"Yeah, yeah, I’m fine," he said, (you want this comma here so that the reader understands that he got up quickly and didn’t speak quickly quickly getting back to his feet. If you use then here, it would be better to tack it onto the previous sentence with either “to his feet, and then” or “to his feet. He turned to the old man” Then he turned to the old man. "You," he started angrily you don’t really need angrily here. Your dialogue is strong here, and his words show that he is angry already. You could say something about his body language to show that he is angry. , "are challenging powers you could never imagine," he took a step toward the old man.
You can also move things around too.

“You!” Doji said as he stepped closer to the old man. “You are challenging powers you could never imagine.”

new paragraphThe old man laughed. "You think so, Doji?"


         "Only Rubella calls me that, old man..."

         "I'd be careful if I were you," the old man said walking away.

?remove the ? here

new paragraph

         "Yeah right..." Dojio said to himselfMaybe instead of “said to himself” you can say “he muttered” here. Then to the old man he said; "An since when, when have I ever carried out Rubella's orders slowly?" I wasn’t sure if you meant “And since when” or if it was meant to show in speech how we sometimes remove letters. If it is the latter, you will need to put an apostrophe after “An” to replace the missing letter.


         "You really feel like questioning me, Dojio?" said the old man.

?remove the ? here

new character, new paragraph

         Dojio slowly nodded his head, he had a challenging smirk on his face.
I like the challenging smirk here! I do suggest rewording this to flow better or replace the comma with a semicolon or just make it 2 separate sentences.

new character, new paragraph

         At that moment the old man shot him a cold glance.

new character, new paragraph

         Dojio froze in horror.

         "Doji?" Rubella said slowly, "Is everything alright?"

You should change said to asked, or instead of saying slowly, put an ellipsis after his name and keep said.
“Doji…” Rubella’s voice trembled. “Is everything alright?”


         Dojio fell to the ground, limp and cold, lifeless...You only use ellipsis for dialogue. And an extra tip about ellipsis in dialogue, when you use them and the character is cut off or just trails off, you would use 4 periods. *Smile*

         "DOJIO!" screamed Rubella.You should not completely capitalize words. The exclamation point and screamed does that for you.

         Dojio's eyes where wide open, for certain he was dead. There was no movement, he was not breathing and his heart was not beating.I like this! He is not dead, but he shows all symptoms of being dead. Nice job here.

         Rubella quickly turned to the old man, her eyes full of tears. "What have you done?"

         The old man only looked at Dojio, with a smile. You may want to reword this. May I suggest: The old man’s cold, uncaring eyes seemed to revel in her pain.

         "Answer me fool!" comma before fool

         The old man turned to meet Rubella's eyes. "You are easily tricked, young lady."

         "W-what did you say...?" Rubella was no longer crying, she was now hot with anger.

         "Dojio is not dead, he is indeed alive. Though I must tell you, he is experiencing a bit of pain right now." You should probably mention something about his pain in the paragraph when he falls

         "What are you talking about? He's right here, Dojio is right here and he is dead, do you not see it? Explain your filthy self!"

         "Dojio is not dead, he is frozen, along with his heart, and his breathing of course has stopped. True, he may seem dead, very dead, however, he is not."

         "Help him." whispered Rubella. You should only italicize words that are personal thoughts. Such as: Rubella closed her eyes to hold back the tears that now threatened to spill. You jerk. “Help him,” she pleaded. Since she thought the “you jerk”, it gets italicized. Now if you made it: You jerk, she thought. You would not italicize it.

         "He must learn to keep his thoughts to himself." (himself,”) the old man said putting his arm under Dojio's head. (which ‘he’ is doing the looking here? The old man, or Dojio? )(Also, I felt that this sentence was a bit akward) He looked him straight in the eye, sure enough, as you might have guessed; as soon as Dojio was well again, he punched the old man in the nose. Dojio ran over to Rubella before the old man could make another move. "Rubella! Lets (Let’s)get out of here!"

Okay, so in this paragraph above, a few things are confusing. Personally, this would sound better:

”He must learn to keep his thoughts to himself,” the old man said as he put his arm under Dojio’s head and stared into his dead eyes.

Dojio blinked life back into his eyes, and a cool rush of air filled his lungs. Before the old man could react, Dojio’s rock like fist crashed into his nose.



         Rubella nodded,and they both ran off.

****
I too struggled (and still do at times) with a lot of the same things that I commented on above. It is just easier for me to see many of these things because I am reading it for the first time. It is difficult to edit your own work because you know what you want it to say/mean. I have also been given reviews that went on for pages pointing out my errors along with helpful suggestions.

Yes, I am picky, but what if no one else takes the time to point these things out. If you want to be published (which I don’t know if you do), you don’t want to have your work tore apart by an editor when you think your baby is complete.

Okay, this is something that does not bother me, but may bother others. The indentation of you paragraphs. I had the same issue till someone told me how to fix it.

There are 2 things you can do. Hit the space bar 5x’s for every paragraph, or use the WrightingML code. You can find this on the left hand side when you click on Writing.com tools link. Click on the link that says WritingML Docs & Help. It will pop open into a separate screen. Here it shows you what to type to make things {b }bold, italic, hot pink and many others. It is very helpful to make your work look nice on WDC. For the indent, just place the word indent between brackets {}. I would type it out exactly, but it would only show you the blank indent space.

The show don’t tell thing. I am definitely not an expert, but I have learned a ton from this site and from reviews.

You want to start by removing as many “ly” words, “ing” words, and words such as “was/has/had” unless you are referring to past tense, as possible. Just find creative ways to reword sentences so that you don’t use “ly” or “ing”. Think of it as you are watching a movie and you are telling your friend what happened.

Don’t get me wrong, you don’t want to eliminate all words ending in “ly” or “ing”, just reduce them. In dialogue you can ignore this rule, but you have to be careful with the adverbs you use.

Let me give you an example:

Michael was drawing flowers on the wall. (Yeah, this sounds okay, but we can make this better)

Michael drew lovely flowers on the wall. (Okay, that is better, but not what we are looking for)

Michael drew a bouquet of purple roses on the wall. (This is good. Here I got “creative” with my description so that I could avoid using “ing” and “ly”.)

Not the best example, but it works for our purposes.

Okay, so all in all, your prologue is good. I think it ended in a good place.The corrections were mostly repeated things, so it looks worse than it is! Just keep writing, and let me know if you want me to review it for you again (or anything else) when you make any changes to it. I will be happy to help where and when I can *Smile*




*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!Open in new Window..
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Review of The Ghostly Heart  Open in new Window.
Review by kfcnhc Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
Once again, great work! Your descriptions really paint a picture for me. The metaphors and similes you use are perfect too. You definitely have a knack for comedy.

This was my favorite line:
It was with an amused expression (and singed hair) that I watched a team of firefighters pick through the smoldering ruins.

I love the fact that the only way he could destroy the ghost was by burning the whole place down. I shook my head while laughing at that!

You really have a way with words!

I did not catch any typos and I would personally not change a thing.
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Review of A Brave New World  Open in new Window.
Review by kfcnhc Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (3.5)
Very interesting! Two kids, bereft of their parents after a nuclear bomb goes off, are left with the choice of continuing to stay in the safety of the bunker their father, presumably crazy before, prepared or to go out and explore the new world above, which they end up doing. Great descriptions of the bunker set up and how they are ‘forced’ to live now. I like that Kyle becomes curious enough about the sounds to go and check it out, forcing the younger brother to follow.

There were a few things that need correcting and a few that are my personal opinion.

(In the beginning of this sentence you write one sound, but list more than one. You should either change ‘one sound’ to possibly, ‘The sounds that will always ring in my ears are the…’

“If there’s one sound that will always ring in my ears is the deafening explosion(add an ‘s’ ), the terrified screams of the neighbors, family members. Buildings collapsed.” I put this in bold so that you can see what I am doing instead of putting it directly in the sentence, but here would be my revision:
‘the terrified screams of neighbors and family members, and buildings collapsing.’

Simple correction here:

“It was the end of life as we, the people of earth, knew it.”

Since you are using ‘earth’ as a place/name/noun here, you should capitalize it. If you pre-ceded it with ‘the’ you would not capitalize it then.

This one I know can be debatable or even a personal preference, but I felt it worth pointing out:
Kyle and I spent about 72 weeks in that bomb shelter.

Here you typed the figure “72”, but in other places you type out numbers in words. It would seem more consistent to do one or the other. Then again, this falls under one of those complex topics. I apologize if you are aware of this, but as I said this is more of a personal opinion and I know I can be picky!

“Power was down, and the only reason Kyle and I had light was flashlights, kerosene lamps, and one generator that only worked once in a blue moon.”

Okay, so I have read this sentence a few times to figure out why I felt it did not flow here. May I suggest?

The power was down. The only reason Kyle and I had light (was/came) from flashlights, kerosene lamps, and the one generator that only worked once in a blue moon.”
If I am wrong, reading it wrong, or if you do not feel that my suggestion fits with your writing style that is okay, I am still learning too!

Just a few things here:
But more unsettling of all, the most terrifying, inhuman wails.
But most unsettling of all, the most terrifying (add ‘thing’ or ‘sound’ here maybe?), are the inhuman wails.

Outside of these few comments, I did like your story. By the end, I was curious to see what the two brothers would find when they let the bunker. I want to know what is making the sound too! Keep up the good work!



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Review by kfcnhc Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
I really enjoyed reading this! I could totally see the scene playing out before me. You are definitely talented at descriptions! I read A LOT, and many times writers like to use words that are ‘big’ (or as I tell my daughter adult words, even when I don’t understand them!) or hard to understand which will cause a read to come to a screeching halt to figure out the word or the meaning of the sentence is. Not here. Your use of words to tell this story in description and explanation of what was happening was clear and wonderfully done.
I really felt like I understood the day in and day out of the main character’s day before Holly entered his life. Like many people, it never really changed and their job was just another part of their boring existence. Then, Holly shows up and changes his decision to quit.
I really liked your description here, “I couldn’t stand the thought of becoming a fixed piece of furniture in this grocery store.” ‘A fixed piece of furniture’ told me that he was afraid of going no further than the store even though he was in college, which would then become a waste. Unfortunately, this situation happens to a lot of people and they never go further or get stuck right where they are. Sad, but true.
When Holly checks out, the cashier strikes up a conversation with her. Here, at this point in their conversation the cashier says: “I don’t think I’ve ever seen you in here before,” I said. “Are you new in town, or just passing through, or what?” Personally, the ‘or what?’ doesn’t not seem to flow. It sounds almost confrontational (to me) which is not what is happening. If they were more acquainted I could see him adding the, ‘or what’ here and it would sound natural. I guess it just feels a bit too personal for him to make such an open ended question to someone he has just met.

“I could feel the air of awkwardness growing between us, which was odd because I normally couldn’t get the customers to stop talking to me.” I really liked the way you describe the ‘air of awkwardness growing between’ them. I also thought it was funny how this lead him to the thought on how it was usually hard to get customers to ‘stop talking’ to him.
After he asks Holly for her name, he realizes how creepy it probably sounded and quickly tries to offer an explanation of why. It seemed very natural for someone to react this way to justify their actions/words…I do this myself! Nice job!
Okay, so my next comment is just me being picky maybe, but I want to be honest and point out what I felt about a part of this dialogue:
“You look . . . tired,” I said to her one Saturday as I scanned her groceries.
“Is that a nicer way of saying I look like s***?” she asked, half-smiling.
“No, not at all! I didn’t mean—”
“It’s okay, Clark. I know what you meant. I’ve just been kind of sick lately, that’s all.”
“Oh.” I could tell she wanted to say something, or maybe she wanted me to say something. She looked at me expectedly, her mouth half open, but remained silent. Feeling the need to fill the silence, I asked, “Have you gone to the doctor yet? Is it serious?”

So, my issue with this is at the end here, “Have you gone to the doctor yet? Is it serious?” The conversation seems to jump from him telling her see looks tired, not so serious, to have you seen a doctor, serious. She corrects him by pointing out that he was just being nice about her appearance which she also acknowledges by saying she has “just been kind of sick lately’. He immediately asks if she has gone to the doctor yet and if it was serious which seems a bit rushed to me and as if he is saying she looks really sick. The only suggestion I can make here would be to remove ‘yet? Is it serious?’ Or you could add more to their conversation, but I think that removing it (if you agree with me on this correction) would be the easiest way.

Just a few typos here:
“I’m sorry to eavesdrop,” I said, but did you say Holly?”
“I’m sorry to eavesdrop,” I said, “but did you say, 'Holly’?’”

I realize that it is just a story, but it made me wonder if Dave’s comment pushed Holly over the edge. That really struck me and made me wonder that if this was real, and if Dave found out about the girl he called a “fat b-“ was anorexic and that she died, how that would have affected him, or if he would make any connection to it as I did. He did change a bit towards the end when he was looking in the mirror at his own fat and also by him closing his door to hide from Mrs.Hale.

Wow! This was really good! You really brought this story to life for me. Great job and keep it up!

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Review by kfcnhc Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
That was not what I expected in a good way. This was definitely humerus. I also enjoyed the first person perspective that it was written in. Personally, I think that you began too many sentences with "and". I do get that it may be a personal style and it does fit and have its place, but I found the frequency a little distracting. The dialogue was great and I enjoyed the characters. I could totally see the "little girl's" faces and gestures as she went through them. I really enjoyed reading this.
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Review by kfcnhc Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
I really enjoyed this! I love stories about assassins particularly. You did a great job with the descriptions of Orion crouching then moving across the rooftops, the shingles falling, and him having to use his tools. Even the dialogue was really good and seemed pretty realistic. I got lost in the story. I also loved the twist. Very clever having Orion kill the girl that hired him instead of his mark. The only comment to say and that is you may want to make your numbers consistent. For the guy Spencer Fitz's age and the amount of time it took Orion to get to his target, if I am not mistaken should either be the actual numbers or written out. Other than that I really enjoyed reading this!
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