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Review of The Moon's Child  Open in new Window.
Review by KevG Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (3.0)
Hello there Laura.s Author Icon

Some comments for your piece "The Moon's Child" Open in new Window.

So, you were given a list of words that you had to fit into a story? Sounds like a fun challenge! *Smile*

You managed to use all the words you were given, and form a complete story, good job. I noticed a few things I could point out to you, and I've made a few suggestions below. These suggestions are intended to help you with your story and are only my personal opinions.

Comments/Suggestions

Fast-flowing, th stunning river flowed through the thick volage of trees in a clear path - Nice sentence, you just had a little typo with the word 'the'.

So I waited, hours and minutes going by in a steady click-click rythem. - This should be spelled 'rhythm'

Then, there she was, standing as pale as herself protrait in the night sky. - Another little mistake here, should be spelled 'portrait'. I'm not sure if also you maybe meant 'standing as pale as her self-portrait in the night sky'

We hugged on last time then broke apart sooner than I wanted. - Again, just a minor typo. Should be 'one'.

I hope that you find my comments and suggestions useful in improving your story.

Thanks again for the read, and keep up the good work! *Smile*

KevG
2
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Review of Unexpected Angel  Open in new Window.
Review by KevG Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 18+ | (4.0)
Hello there ~AriadneEndaira~ Author Icon

Some comments for your piece "Unexpected Angel" Open in new Window.

Quite an emotional and sad piece of writing. I thought that you did well in trying to get inside the head of the narrator and make the reader feel what he is going through. I'd maybe have liked to have learned a bit more about Angel, perhaps a description and an explanation of what actually happened to her - since the narrator has such a void in his life I think that it would reinforce how big a loss he suffered if the reader actually knew more of what he lost and how he lost it.

Comments/Suggestions

I looked down on the floor laid one lone shoe from Angel's favorite pairs of shoes. - This sentence doesn't make sense to me, perhaps just a typo or an omitted word, I think you should read it over and see what you think.

In fact[,] most of her belongings remained in there rightful places, never moving since she went to the hospital. - Personally, I would insert a comma after 'in fact' where I have suggested.

Thanks for sharing and keep up the good work.

KevG
3
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Review of The Game  Open in new Window.
Review by KevG Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hello there peppery Author Icon

Some comments for your piece The Game Open in new Window.

This was a great read. I liked the style of the piece, and the voice of your narration. You captured the essence of the controlling, meddlesome, impossible-to-satisfy mother-in-law that we all know and love - I actually found it quite funny to read and could relate to much of what you wrote.

One thing I would suggest, to enhance this piece and ensure that you maximise the amount of reads/reviews you receive, is that you should space the piece out a little. On all of the occasions where you take a new line you should leave a blank line, this will be beneficial to you for a couple of reasons. Firstly, it will make the piece a lot more presentable to your readers, and will also make it easier to read and follow. Secondly, many of the short comments such as 'So, already I am starving my child.' would stand out a lot more and be far carry more punch if they stood on their own on the page rather than amidst a wall of text.

Comments/Suggestions

'Who knew a hospital bed would feel more like a wood plank? I think to myself as I restrain my mind from relaxing, wondering when she will storm in.' - I liked the sections where there was internal speech, it really added character to the story. In my opinion if you italicize the thoughts and inner speech as I have done in the example above it would enhance the effect.

“Where is it? she says, - you forget to close the quotation marks here, just a small typo. *Smile*

'Leave him alone! I scream inside; the decision is not yours!' - Again, I think this line would have so much more potential if the story was spaced out more, and you italicized the inner speech:

Leave him alone! I scream inside; the decision is not yours!

Overall, I'm glad I read this short piece. I hope you found my comments and suggestions helpful and useful in someway, and I really think that if you worked on the formatting slightly in this piece the effect and weight of the words would be even better.

Thanks for the read, and keep up the great work.

KevG
4
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Review of Moving On  Open in new Window.
Review by KevG Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Hello there BScholl Author Icon

Some comments for your story "Moving On" Open in new Window.

I found this to make for a good read - I couldn't really tell where the story was going, and you held my attention and kept me guessing all the way to the end of the story about what was actually occurring. I liked the dialogue you employed, the two removal men came across as quite authentic characters, and their speech with one another added to the story.

One tip I'll give you, this struck me on a few occasions when reading through the piece. Generally, when you are writing dialogue you should begin a new paragraph each time a new speaker says something - this serves to makes things clear for the reader and ensures that the speech is spaced out enough that there is no confusion on the reader's behalf about who is speaking.

Comments/Suggestions

A large walnut dining table with precise place settings and two large centerpiece candelabras, adorned its top. - Nice use of alliteration here, although I'm not sure that the comma is entirely necessary after the word 'candelabras'.

One of the sentinel poplar trees stood nearby. Another [photograph] had the same boy in a cowboy outfit at a Halloween party. - I thought there was a bit of ambiguity between these two lines. Perhaps you should insert the word photograph where I suggested in order to make it perfectly clear to the reader that you are referring to another photograph.

I enjoyed the ending of the story, it wrapped the events up well and provided an interesting confrontation. I think we've all been in a situation at some point where we were a little too quick to judge someone else, and you captured the essence of this nicely in your piece.

Thanks very much for the read, and keep up the good work *Smile*

KevG
5
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Review of Poor Thing  Open in new Window.
Review by KevG Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hello there What Author Icon

Some comments for your piece "Poor Thing" Open in new Window.

Fun little piece of flash here, it made for a enjoyable quick read. I'm a big fan of pieces of short fiction that deliver a punchline in the very last line, and you achieve that with this piece.

Just a tip - you should generally try to leave a blank line in between paragraphs. This greatly improves the presentation of your piece and will reduce the risk of potential readers being put off by a wall of text and opting not to read. It's not hugely important in a small flash fiction piece like this where it isn't so easy for a reader to lose his/her place, but in general I would recommend it as something to consider when writing a piece.

Comments/Suggestions

Suddenly I heard a strange tapping sound that I could not place. - I would use a comma after the word 'suddenly'. Pretty much anytime that you begin a sentence with an adverb (Suddenly, Surprisingly, Hopefully etc), you should follow the adverb with a comma.

The rodent was tapping on the window pawing at his mouth at the same time. - This sentence stuck me as a little bit clumsy, and didn't seem to flow as well as the rest of the piece. I think it is down to the repetition of the word 'at'. Perhaps you could look at rewriting the sentence slightly in order to have it flow as well as the rest of the piece.

Overall, I enjoyed your piece of flash. I hope that you find my comments and suggestions useful.

Thanks for sharing, and Write On!

KevG
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Review of Martha's Surprise  Open in new Window.
Review by KevG Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (3.0)
Hello there A.M. Wade Author Icon

Some comments for your story "Martha's Surprise" Open in new Window.

The first comment I'd like to make - and my immediate thought upon opening your story - is that perhaps you could space the piece out a little by adding a blank line between each new paragraph. This serves to make your story more presentable to the reader, and will ensure that no potential readers are scared off by a wall of text. Even the slightest improvements in presentation can greatly increase the amount of reads and reviews you will receive, and give your work more exposure.

The story itself seems interesting, certainly a good basis for a short story. You did create an interesting air of suspense and I read on to discover what happened without losing interest. I'd suggest that maybe you work some more on the story, refine it a little and try to iron out some creases and add some extra details in before submitting it to a contest.

Comments/Suggestions

During the opening of the story, and again a little later on, there are a few instances where the main character is speaking to herself. It might be an idea to italicize her inner speech to allow it to stand out from the rest of the narrative. Again, this is a matter of presentation, and in my opinion would make the events a little easier to follow, and perhaps even strengthen the role/voice of the main character in the piece.

panic joined the painful pounding in my head - Good alliteration in this sentence, the 'p' sounds running through the sentence work well. *Smile*

trying to ignore my throbbing head and sickened stomache - There's no need for the 'e' on the end of 'stomach'.

Like George and me, he appeared to be in his late thirty's - I'm not convinced about the use of thirty's. I think maybe 'thirties' is the correct form to use here.

I screamed at the corpose - Just a typo here, it should be 'corpse'

I stared at it. Separated. And it two. - I didn't understand this section, even after reading a few times. Did you mean 'And in two'? Perhaps you could read this part aloud to yourself and decide if it makes sense, or if it could use a little bit of reworking.

Overall, you have the makings of an interesting bit of work here. I'd suggest a little bit of tidying up, and some attention to making the story clearer and more presentable to your readers. If you do decide to redraft the story, feel free to ask me for some further comments.

Thanks very much for the opportunity to read your piece, and I hope that you found my comments and suggestions helpful in some way.

Write On and keep sharing!
KevG
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Review by KevG Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
Hello JDMac Author IconMail Icon

Some comments for your story When You're at War with the Sky Open in new Window.

This piece had a lot of elements that proved to make for an entertaining read. In my opinion it is very well written, and I noticed no errors in spelling or grammar. The piece flowed smoothly from start to finish too.

The story itself was well handled. The downpour and series of events that followed provided a lot of action, I thought you employed good descriptions and allowed me to visualise some of the scenes without drawing myself out of the story. Towards the end of the piece, when things turn for the worse, I enjoyed the tension and suspense, and I thought the thunder helped in setting the mood.

The other themes at work in the story are what made me enjoy it more than most that I read. This isn't just a story about a rainfall and some subsequent peril. You developed the family well, and the relationships between them (in particular, between the father and son) were what gave the story that additionial piece of character. It was evident that the father-son bond strengthened significantly in the story, to the point where Doug's father began to see him as a man.

George smiled. “Good man.”

You added another level to George's character by dealing with how he was coming to terms with serving in World War II. This proved to play a major role in the story, at least in how George was handling his 'war' with the sky. You worked this theme well into the real-time events that were unfolding, and I thought it lent the story a great deal of depth, and strength in characterisation.

Overall, this is an excellent piece of work. I would recommend it to anyone looking to read a wholesome short story. You'll be glad you spent time reading this. The plot is well thought-out, the characters realistic, and the themes at work combine to form an engaging read.

KevG
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Review of Jack 'O Tens  Open in new Window.
Review by KevG Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Good afternoon Doug Rainbow Author Icon

Some comments for your piece Jack 'O Tens Open in new Window.

Excellent story, I read this once last night and didn't get the time to review, so thought I'd come back today for another read and to leave some comments.

This piece has a lot going for it. The mystery elements in the tale are great, and had me eager to read on and learn what exactly was happening as the tale unravelled. You did a fine job of providing a 'hook'. I liked the narrator too, and how he told his story. The langauge you employed worked well, and the dialect used in the speech sections brought the scenes to life effectively.

As I observed in the previous story of yours I read, Glass Lovers Open in new Window., the characterisation is very strong. You described the patrons of the Jack 'O Tens creatively and this allowed me to form solid images of each character while reading.

If I was to offer any criticism at all, it would be maybe that the lines are a bit too spaced out, especially during the speech sections where many paragraphs contain only one line. It is certainly better than reading a wall of text, but perhaps leaving less 'white space' in between lines would make it easier for potential readers to enjoy this wonderful story without having to scroll down quite so much. *Smile*

Thanks again for another entertaining read. I would recommend this story to anyone who likes a mystery short.

Take it easy.
KevG
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Review of Do What You Like.  Open in new Window.
Review by KevG Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hi there, thanks for entering "Project Write World" Open in new Window.

Some comments for your entry "Do What You Like." Open in new Window.

I enjoyed reading this story. I thought that you satisfied all aspects of the prompt really well. The story suits the quote that you chose from the list, and I found that your characters were quite lively and easily to picture.

I thought that in places the punctuation could do with being tidied up a little, but this didn't take away from my enjoyment of the piece.

Comments/Suggestions

A few enterprising souls had half their bodies out of the window, and were offering physically impossible solutions to the drivers ahead. - I liked what you were trying to do here, but it comes across a little ambiguous. It seemed to me that the bodies were all poking out of the same window in Riddhima's vehicle, and this confused me a little at the start.

Ahead, the tar surface of the main road winked back at her in the late morning sun. - I liked this line, nice job.

However, the car faltered ; it kept losing power over the next few metres, and finally coughed and sputtered to a halt. - You don't need a space immediately before a semi-colon.

“What am I to do?” wailed Riddhima in a reflex wail of despair. I have to reach Chakala Naka locale in suburban Mumbai for an interview within the next fifteen minutes! - I think that the section in bold here should have quotation marks, otherwise how would the two gentlemen have been aware of Riddhima's predicament.

“No,” he clarified, “I stay right here. He led her to a tiny room tacked on to the end of the first shed. - You forget to close the speech marks here.

She could never had satisfied her curiosity on the bike as the wind would have whipped away her words and the helmet would have blocked his answers. - Great turn of phrase here, good job.

My father was one of those who died, a statistic for most but a calamity for us. - Again, I liked the wording of this line.

Riddhima introduced herself and was waved in by an impatient gesture of nicotine-stained fingers and a brief glimpse of stained teeth as the host made an automatic gesture of welcome. - I thought this section was good, but perhaps you could change the second instance of 'stained' to a different word such as yellow. This will remove the repitition and improve the flow of the piece.

So, tell us something about your latest creation. The revolutionary software that you ..." - Speech markers are missing at the beginning of this line.

"Sir, what in your opinion- - More speech marks missing here *Smile*

Overall, I thought this was a good tale. Apart from the odd punctuation mistake, I didn't notice any glaring errors in the piece.

Thanks for the read and best of luck to you.

KevG
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Review of The icebreaker  Open in new Window.
Review by KevG Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hi there troymclure Author IconMail Icon

Thanks for entering "Invalid Item" Open in new Window.

 The icebreaker Open in new Window. (E)
Story written for the short fiction weekly contest. About a ship called the icebreaker.
#1233206 by troymclure Author IconMail Icon


Great story, original use of the prompt.

I liked that you set your story at sea, I thought that the language used was authentic and you created a good atmosphere and mood in the piece.

The characterisation was great too, especially that of the captain. The portrayal of the captain was the element I liked most about the piece. In such a short story I thought that you did a good job of showing the crew's attitude towards the captain as the story developed.

Comments/Suggestions

The men knew fear. They were in the middle of nowhere, nothing but the deep blue sea and floating ice for hundreds of kilometers, and it was cold, colder than a human can survive without protection. - I liked this section. The piece contained a lot of tension, I thought you maintained it well by using short sentences like the first one above.

captain fired a shot in the air. Then he made his announcement. - I liked this part too, good job breaking the tension before the conclusion to the piece.

I liked the end, very heroic and noble. Great job.

Thanks for the entry, good luck.

Keep up the good writing.

KevG
11
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Review by KevG Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 18+ | (4.5)
Hello there E E Coder Author IconMail Icon

Thanks for entering this round of "Invalid Item" Open in new Window.

 Monday, Tuesday,..., Last Day Open in new Window. (18+)
Flash Fiction, 600 words or less, 24 hours to live, fast food, doves, sports car
#1233087 by E E Coder Author IconMail Icon


Great job, I really liked reading this story. You did a nice job capturing the prompt, and you also managed to include all of the bonus items in the story too! Nice work.

I liked the unique explanation for why your character only had 24 hours left to live, it was interesting to read and showed that you put a lot of thought into your entry.

The character work was great, I liked the thoughts running through the character's mind when he was told he only had 24 hours to live. The use of italics worked really well for effect, you really allowed the mind to speak - interesting from a psychological point of view.

Comments/Suggestions

my mind was awhirl - No big deal, but I just thought I'd point out that you missed a space in between the two words here.

It’s full of happy people; children playing in the playground, laughing, screaming, enjoying life. - This line stood out to me, it is quite a simple line, but it has a great effect in the story. It came across to me as quite a poignant image in an otherwise crazy situation. Good work.

If I was forced to give a criticism, I would maybe suggest that the end is a bit sudden - although I realise it is for effect. Perhaps another line or two with the character's thoughts at the end might give the ending a bit more impact.

Thanks for the read, and the entry. Good luck.

Keep up the smashing writing.

KevG
12
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Review by KevG Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 18+ | (4.5)
Hi there allis_in_LI Author IconMail Icon

Some comments for "The Procurement of Cheese" Open in new Window.

First off, great title! I was immediately drawn to the piece with huge curiousity after I saw the title.

I liked the story, there are some great phrases and snippets of life at points. I thought the writing style worked really well in the piece, and lot of the lines are straight ot the point and snappy. Perhaps you could space the piece out a bit, adding a blank line in between the paragraphs. This make make the piece easier on the eye for the reader, and you'll be more likely to get reviews.

The whole scenario in the story intruiged me. I especially liked the short acquaintance with the petrol-station clerk. I thought the writing was strongest at that point, and you portrayed some vivid images of the station itself.

Comments/Suggestions

I'd better be on my way, she added, as Mr. Jim the bossman disliked loitering punks whose mohawks and jangling leather coats frighten the elderly clientele buying a single can of cat food at five in the morning. - I really liked this line, great portrayal of the scene.

When [I] got home, it was already starting to become early cheese day, I'd been chatting with LaQuintata the Gas-N-Grab cashier soo long. - A couple of typos here...perhaps you missed out the word 'I' near the start, and should 'soo' be either 'so' or 'too'?

Kids love a cheap parlor trick, and the baby's mammas all let their kids linger a bit to watch after the fun morning of waiting in the cheese line. - Great phrasing here too, I liked the touch of cynicism in the narrator's voice.

Overall a great read, and a pretty promising story.

Thanks for the read, and keep up the good work,

KevG
13
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Review of Human  Open in new Window.
Review by KevG Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Hey there kiyasama

Some comments for
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Human Open in new Window. (13+)
The world lost its colorful luster when she realized he wasn't a real boy...
#1212440 by iKïyå§ama Author IconMail Icon


Nice story. This is something a little different from what I would usually expect to read from you.

The story is great, telling the tale of a robot boy/man who is so realistic that he is able to feel human emotion and experience want and pain just like the rest of us. I found that the story reminded me of the film AI quite a lot, and I kept picturing that annoying little brat from the movie whilst I was reading!

I thought you did well with the detail and the technological elements of the story without ever sounding out of your depth, and the trip to Mars provdied a great background against which to set the piece.

As far as characterisation goes, I found that in the end Scott seemed to be far more of a human than Veronica - that was the message that I got, and I'm pretty sure that you intended it this way too.

Comments/Suggestions

She fought back a sob as she noticed that despite his naked state, one foot still had that black sock on – as if it was a beacon of defiance against this inhuman treatment I really like the last part of this sentence, and also the sentimental significance of the black sock - although I thought that perhaps you could have included the sock again at the end of the story to allow the tale to go full-circle.

'She kept him at home when she went on her dates with other human boys or men, deliberately ignoring the pained look he sometimes had whenever he helped to pick out an outfit.' - I really liked this part, you managed to make me feel for Scott a lot, pretty good going considering he basically a piece of machinery.

The old man smiled. “It’s okay, sonny. Like you, I fell for something beyond my reach. She was a robot…pretty fine one too. Used to work across the street there selling pastries and stuff.” - This part caught my eye, I thought it was interesting that the old man's predicament was similar to that of Scott, but with the roles reversed. Good technique.

The old man gave a sigh of regret. “She got scraped. - Perhaps you meant 'scrapped' here?

Overall, I thought this was a great story, with a little bit of touching up here and there it could be a masterpiece.

Keep up the excellent work, and thanks for the offer of the read.

Take it easy.
KevG
14
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Review of Wynona  Open in new Window.
Review by KevG Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
Hello there kiyasama

Some comments for your piece
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Wynona Open in new Window. (13+)
Beneath a starry night, she flees for freedom.
#1214880 by iKïyå§ama Author IconMail Icon


Great story Kiya, you have packed a lot of emotion into this one. I could really feel Wynona's pain and the desperation of her situation as I read the words. Great job making the piece both a gripping and emotive read.

I liked that you let the history of the situation unfold parallel to Wynona's attemps to escape, this kept me guessing as to what exactly was happening in the piece as I read. At first I thought that Wynona might have been a wife who fell victim to domestic violence, you allowed the suspense to compliment the tension of the 'escape' well. Very nice technique.

The end was hard hitting, but I don't want to spoil it for the rest of the readers, they should just go and read it for themselves!

Comments/Suggestions

There was a bang, the heavy thud of his shoulder being pushed with his brute strength, and the low whine of the wood protesting at the abuse it was receiving. - I liked the personification of the door here, particularly in the word choice of 'abuse', it seemed to go well with the subject matter in the piece.

a man who was quick with the hand and a friend to the bottle. - Great turn of phrase.

I spotted no errors or typos in the work - good job.

Thanks for offering the read, Kiya, and keep up the great writing.

Take it easy.
KevG
15
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Review of Robbed  Open in new Window.
Review by KevG Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Hi there PhirePixie Author IconMail Icon

Thanks for entering this round of "Invalid Item" Open in new Window..

 Robbed Open in new Window. (13+)
Two days before their wedding, a man’s fiancé is killed when their apartment is robbed.
#1210638 by PhirePixie Author IconMail Icon


Interesting story. I thought that the first paragraph was effective in showing the reader the character traits of Micheal in a few well written lines.

The rest of the story served to show us just why exactly losing Lily was such a big loss for Michael, I was intruiged by the characters and their traits and if this was a longer piece I definitely would have been keen to read on.

Comments/Suggestions

The day he asked her to merry him - Just a typo here, should be marry.

I liked the end, exactly the sort of sad, tragic ending we were hoping for in one of the stories. Great sutff.

Thanks for the read, and good luck.

Keep up the good writing.

KevG
16
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Review of Mountain Scene  Open in new Window.
Review by KevG Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Hi there Bluesman Author IconMail Icon

Thanks for entering this round of "Invalid Item" Open in new Window.

 Mountain Scene Open in new Window. (13+)
Woman thinks about the romance she shares with her husband.
#1208874 by Bluesman Author IconMail Icon


Great use of the prompt. You got me with the ned of this one, I suspected that there was going to be an accident of some sort, but I didn't guess the exact details.

The story is well-written, I quite liked the build up of tension as Diana climbed further up the hill, before breaking the tension with the shock of the ending.

Comments/Suggestions

'Diana's Jeep cleared the row of pine trees that veiled her home and saw flames that stretched toward the base of heaven itself.' - I like this line, good descriptive writing, and I like the connatations in the reference to heaven.

I spotted no errors or typos in your piece. Good job.

Thanks for entering and good luck.

Write on!

KevG
17
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Review of What A Gal!  Open in new Window.
Review by KevG Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 18+ | (4.5)
Hi there Sam N. Yago Author IconMail Icon

Thanks for entering this round of "Invalid Item" Open in new Window.

 What A Gal! Open in new Window. (18+)
A chance meeting in a restaurant takes an unwelcome turn. "TSF Contest" winner.
#1208544 by Sam N. Yago Author IconMail Icon


Great story! I enjoyed reading this one. You managed to fit quite a lot into just 500 words and I enjoyed many of the small details that you put in the piece.

The story is fairly chilling, I like how at the start everything is happy and cheery, and then towards the end things take a turn for the worse.

Comments/Suggestions

'With a seemingly careless whisper, she instructed him to pay up and said that she would grab them a cab.' - Good job fitting the title of George Michael's song into your piece for some bonus gps! I see that you also managed to squeeze Lady In Red into your entry too. Nice work - We'll send out the bonus gps after the results are announced!

her silk crimson dress a vibrant standout amidst a sea of gray suits and black evening wear. - This is my favourite line of the story, you give the reader a visual image to work with, and I liked the way that you ensured the female stood out against the mundane background.

He exited the warmth of the restaurant into the chilly Chicago air. - Nice alliteration, and I also noticed that the tone of the piece matched the contrast between warm/cold, good stuff!!

"I thought you were kinda cute. But, you're no Brad Pitt." - This is a great closing line, especially since it refers back to the conversation earlier in the piece. It gives the story a good sense of completion.

Thanks for the great read, and keep up the good work.

Good luck, the results will be announced later today once Chester and I have finished reviewing the entries.

KevG
18
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Review by KevG Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hi there Complexo Author IconMail Icon

Some comments for
 The Mountains of Switzerland Open in new Window. (E)
Short, but I like it. It is a dream of mine and this is retold after a personal experience
#1208457 by Complexo Author IconMail Icon


Interesting piece. I like this. There is an air of mystery about the whole thing, and the reader is never let into exactly what is going on, but that's the point of the piece, right?

The deescriptions you emplyed were well written and vivid, makig it easy for me to visualise everything that you described.

Comments/Suggestions

The snow was blindingly white from the glare of the sun and, along with the rocky surface of the Alps, seemed to rise up forever into the clouds. - This is a great sentence. I would suggest that you move the comma to before the word 'and' to imporve the flow slightly.

'A small stream of smoke twisted and wound its way into the sky like a snake, escaping from one of many chimneys atop a very large mansion.' - Great alliteration in the 's' sounds running through this sentence. Nice technique.

'and answered his cell phone that had begun to vibrate inside his jacket.' - I think this would read a little smoother if you used the word 'the' instead of 'his'. Just a suggestion though, it is up to you.

Overall, a very pleasant read.

Thanks for sharing, and keep up the excellent work.

KevG


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Review of The Painter  Open in new Window.
Review by KevG Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hi there GregRyan Author IconMail Icon

Some comments for
 The Painter Open in new Window. (E)
A story of a painter returning to paint an old church and sparking memories of the past.
#1144980 by GregRyan Author IconMail Icon


I noticed your request for a review of your piece in "Invalid Item" Open in new Window. and thought I'd have a read.

Nice story, there is a lot to appreciate about this one. The story is primarily about a church, St Illtyds Church. You describe the sights and sounds of the immediate surroundings well, setting the scene comfotably for the reader.

I like the introduction of the character into the work, also, the second half of the piece which describes the painting of a picture of the church is very well written and was enjoyable to read.

Comments/Suggestions

'Years of boarding school had told him that there was a sharp and strict structure if one wanted to be a ‘real man’ and emotion was not on the agenda. ' - Good alliteration with 'sharp and strit structure'.

'The sun fell slowly, shooting up brilliant shades of yellow, orange and grey.' - I like the turn of phraes here, very simple, yet incredibly effective.

'Harsh sweeps stole the drama of the sky and tactful strokes captured the shadows of the dark gravestones.' - Some great descriptive writing, I thought that this section contained the best writing in the whole piece, you brought the artist to life with your words.

'A golden carpet swept across the landscape, breathing life into the once dead surroundings.' - I like the effect and the manipulation of tone here, it creates an almost epiphany like effect and truns the piece well.

Overall an enjoyable and interesting read. Thanks for sharing.

Keep up the wonderful writing.

Take it easy
KevG

For Sommerlund and the Kai!
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Review by KevG Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 18+ | (5.0)
Hello there kiyasama

Some comments for your piece
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Deora Ar Mo Chroí Open in new Window. (18+)
Break-ups weren't supposed to be this easy...
#1200315 by iKïyå§ama Author IconMail Icon


Great story Kiya, very interesting to read. Break-ups eh? You've captured the awkwardness and high-emotion of a break-up rather well with this one. In addition, there are some moments of great writing to be found in the piece.

The sibject matter is interesting, as the story progressed I had a suspicion about where it might be going. I had to feel sympathy for the narrator, I've been in his postion myself, it is certainly a bit of a dent on the ego! *Smile*

Comments/Suggestions

'She smiled...a semblance of a smile. It didn't quite reach the eyes though. It was as if she knew.' - I like the phrasing here, giid alliteration to beign with, and 'it didn't quite reach the eyes' is a unique description. Nice work.

'Redhead finally suggested I break the string that was now drawn so taut it would have snapped anyway, and I’ve done it. Finally.' - Comapring the relationship to a string works very effectively in this part, nice touch. Also, I really liked that the character referred to his new woman as 'Redhead', this conveys his regret, and suggests to the reader that it is not his new girlfriend's name which is on his lips and in his thoughts. Very nice techinque.

'I turned away feeling cold and empty, hands stuck in my pockets to control the trembling of my hands.' - Finally, a point where I can perhaps make a suggestion, if you will allow me to be so bold. You repeat the word 'hands' in this sentence and it sounds a tiny bit clumsy, perhaps you could reword the sentence slightly.

'the painful struggle to hold back the trail of tears that cascaded her cheeks and fell to her paper like silent rain.' - 'trail of tears' & 'cascaded her cheeks' compliment each other beautifully in giving this sentence a great rhythm, and I liked 'silent rain' too, given the setting.

'She did not cry out loud – could not cry out loud, but only bite her lower lip and suffer in the silence of a room that forced her to bear her sorrow for as much as she could.' - Once more, great stuff here, you chose the setting of a library cleverly to add another dimension to the work, forcing the female to conceal any sobs that she may have had. Good stuff.

Overall this is a quality story, other than the small nit I could pick no faults, it is good to see you writing reguarly again, keep them coming.

Thanks for the read, and keep up all the hard work.

Take it easy
KevG

ps. I considered taking half a star away from you for the footnote, I absolutely despise Enya's music!! But I'll 'Sail Away, Sail Away, Sail Away' before I start letting own my personal preferences get in the way of reviewing an excellent story! *Laugh*
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Review of Planet: For Sale  Open in new Window.
Review by KevG Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Hi again Sam N. Yago Author IconMail Icon

Thanks for entering another story into "Invalid Item" Open in new Window..

 Planet: For Sale Open in new Window. (13+)
An intergalactic real estate broker shows a sovereign couple a potential new home
#1197531 by Sam N. Yago Author IconMail Icon


This is a hilarious story, really funny. I never thought about alien beings in this way, and had a good chuckle whilst reading the piece. Great stuff.

I thought it was also interesting that the aliens descended upon earth during the New Year celebrations, thinking that the party was for them, it presented them as arrogant beings, much like us humans I guess!

Comments/Suggestions

"But, we could terraform it to however you want it to look, madame," R'Kel--using one of her time-honored sales pitches--quickly interjected. "My contractor would only need two days' notice." - This is funny, the notion of aliens wishing to give earth a makover, superb use of the imagination.

'The queen gave her husband a huge grin. "Well, it is quite close to the Alpha Centauri Shopping Complex..."' - Another great piece of comedy, excellent stuff.

Overall a very enojyable read, very light hearted.

Thanks for entering the contest, and keep up the quality writing.

KevG
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Review of Fading Stars  Open in new Window.
Review by KevG Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 18+ | (5.0)
Hello kiyasama

Thanks for submitting to "Invalid Item" Open in new Window. with your entry:

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Fading Stars Open in new Window. (18+)
Resolutions are meant to be broken...
#1197457 by iKïyå§ama Author IconMail Icon


Superb story Kiya, I must say, the title threw me a little, I thought the piece might be about astrology at first, but the title works really well and carries a clever double meaning.

I found it very interesting that you wrote the story from the bartender's point of view, this narrative style worked incredibly well, as we were given a brilliant insight into the physical appearance and body language of rock star.

Comments/Suggestions

'There are bags of fatigue that accent lines of age across his cheeks and jaw. His lips are curved in a perpetual frown as if he has eaten something distasteful and can’t quite get rid of it.' - Nice descriptions, you allowed the reader to clearly picture this washed up rock star, I got a great mental image of the whole scene whilst reading.

'I been clean for at least two months, but nah. It wasn’t enough. I hurt her one too many times, man. One too many times.”' - The star's speech was great, his constant use of the word 'man', and the repitition of the last words in the phrase above gave a great authenticity and character to him.

'He looks lost for a moment, as if unsure of where he is or what he’s doing, but then shakes his head and rises to his feet' - The use of body language was also effective in casting a doubt in the reader's mind. To be honest, I wasn't convinced that Sid was going to change, I think it was the drink talking, and you conveyed this well through the barman's observations.

Thanks for the superb read.

Keep up the smashing writing, and good luck.

KevG
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Review by KevG Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Hi there Sam N. Yago Author IconMail Icon

Thanks for entering "Invalid Item" Open in new Window. with your story:

 A Christmas Greeting Open in new Window. (13+)
A son sends a Christmas greeting to his mother
#1196319 by Sam N. Yago Author IconMail Icon


Nice job, who would have thought the Christmas time war would take place in space? Very original use of the prompt and good imagination.

You included a good emotional element to this piece too, yet it didn't seem mushy or over the top, I think you got the balance just right, good stuff.

“Life support will discontinue in forty-five seconds,” the female voice updated him. At least, Mack thought, my last few moments will be spent with a woman. - Great job, even in this moment of despair there is a touch of bittersweet humour, I thought this added to the character a lot. Nice one.

'while she brushed from the sleeve of her son’s uniform dust that only she could see.' - For some reason this phrase stood out to me too, it sums up motherly gestures very well.

'He pressed his ring finger to his thumb, and his helmet’s visor displayed the built-in chronometer. It read: 12-24-3591, 23:59.48.' - I like how you go into detail about the hand operated parts of the ship in the piece, it is a nice touch, also I like that you showed the reader what was displayed.

Thanks for entering the contest, and good luck.

Keep up the great writing.

Kevg
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Review of The Last Round  Open in new Window.
Review by KevG Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 18+ | (4.5)
Hello E E Coder Author IconMail Icon

Thanks for submitting your entry to "Invalid Item" Open in new Window..

 The Last Round Open in new Window. (18+)
Flash for Short Fiction contest, Christmas during war
#1193346 by E E Coder Author IconMail Icon


Great job Ernie, I desperately wanted to read a Christmas war story, and you satisfied my cravings with this one.

You did well getting inside the thoughts of the soldier as he was made to stand guard on Christmas Eve, I really liked the thoughts and feelings of resentment in your character. As far as being a soldier goes, it seems like all the guy really wanted to do was party!

Comments/Suggstions

'My friends Steve and Adam are probably going crazy at some frat Christmas Eve party,' - I've come to expect the most authentic of dialogue from you after reading a lot of your work, but this part got me wondering, if the solider was muttering to himself
would he be likely to use the words 'my friends'?

'maybe there would be a little eggnog left, "if the damn bastards didn't drink it all!" he grumbled. He still felt a little resentful that he had to stand guard tonight.' - I liked this bit, the character work on the solider was really well done, the guy really was a miserable fellow - this story could easily have been written for the scrooge prompt as well as the war one!

Thanks for entering Ernie, great job, keep up the smashing work.

KevG
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Review of The Drift  Open in new Window.
Review by KevG Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
Hello there billwilcox

Some comments for your piece of flash
 The Drift Open in new Window. (13+)
Somewhere, high on a mountaintop
#1195093 by W.D.Wilcox Author IconMail Icon


Great story Bill, thanks for sharing. This is an interesting piece of flash, complete with a good sense of tension and trauma.

I was impressed by how much the piece came to life in my mind as I read, despite there only being one character. Your descriptions of the natural and the imagery you used really helped to bring a lot of life into the work. Nice job.

Comments/Suggestions

'He had seen it move before while gathering wood: large mounds of it, sliding a couple of feet at a time, and closing in like a pack of hungry wolves.' - Great simile in this instance, comparing the onslaught of snow to a pack of wolves is very effective, more so because wolves would be predators one would associate with a desolate snowy lnadscape. Great technique.

'When it piled high around the windows, he boiled pots of water and dumped it upon the snow like the lone defender of a castle pouring hot oil down upon its besiegers.' - Again, another great piece of imagery, you excellently conveyed the urgency and desperation in the man's act with this one.

'He was in the belly of the beast, and he could feel the weight of it crushing down upon him like a mountain.' - I like 'belly of the beast;', nice alliteration to describe the position of the character, buried under the snow.

I could see no errors in the piece, nor any suggestions I could make.

Thanks for the pleasure of the read, keep up the excellent work.

KevG
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