Neko ♥ Away's (ketsuekineko) Reviews

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#3371363

Review of Autumn And Earth - Chapter 1 -

Review by Neko ♥ Away

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Rated: 18+

| (4.5)

Welcome to WDC, Honeythief ! I hope you're enjoying your stay here so far. Here comes~

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This story is quite intriguing. I had no problems following along. From the very start, I was interested and couldn't stop reading until the very last word. There were a few oddly constructed sentences, but with a few re-reads I'm sure this piece will be even better than it is now.

I felt the characters were pretty believable, except for maybe during the attack scene. It just seemed a tad odd, like there should have been more to it or something. But all in all, this is a well written and executed story. I can't wait for more! (No errors noted).

Please note, any suggestions I make are solely my opinion. This is your story/poem, so if you don't want to change it then don't.

Great job and keep up the excellent writing. You've got talent!
-Neko

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#3371202

Review of The White Coffin

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Rated: E

| (3.0)

Welcome to WDC, InksDepth ! I hope you're enjoying your stay here so far. Here comes~

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For a sample, this is pretty good. I was able to follow along for the most part, though, at times, your sentence structure was a bit awkward. You could also use some more imagery. I felt that it would be best not to talk to "you" either, since it takes the reader out of the story, which is the most important thing right now. (And it also seems that those are only a few instances in which it is used, which makes it unimportant to the story).

Other than that, though, this was well written. I also thought the main character was believably portrayed. I wanted to know more about the coffin, and the reason why it was white. You hooked my interest! Great job.

P.S. I'd also suggest breaking your story up into paragraphs so that you don't scare away the reviewers.

Suggestions:

Of course, I expected the strenuous activities, the crap I have to take from the higher-ups, but I never thought it would be more requiring than there are hours in a day.
This is a rather long sentence. I'd suggest breaking it up into two sentences. Also, because of the curse word, I'd suggest an 13+ rating for thie piece. And lastly, here is a rewrite for the latter part of the sentence: "but I never thought it would require more work than there are hours in a day."

As first, I thought I saw Shane in his top bunk, but the contours of the shape were rigid and blocky.
Should "As first" be "At first"?

Piercingly, I awoke in my bunk, just as I had been laying before peering the white coffin.
The word "piercingly" is not needed. I would remove it for a smoother read.

But something froze on me.
I believe "on" should be "in", since there's no indication of something freezing on top of him.

Please note, any suggestions I make are solely my opinion. This is your story/poem, so if you don't want to change it then don't.

Keep up the intriguing writing.

You've got something here!
-Neko

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#3371177

Review of Beauty of Life

Review by Neko ♥ Away

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Rated: E

| (2.5)

Welcome to WDC, sonal ! I hope you're enjoying your stay here so far. Here comes~

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I feel that this would be a wonderful poem if properly written. There are a great deal of awkward lines and grammatical errors. If it weren't for them, I probably would give this poem at least a 4. But, due to those errors, I'm having to lower my rating. I'm not sure if English is your native language, if not, please let me know and I'd be happy to help you with the grammatical problems (or even if you are a native English speaker, PLEASE let me know if you'd like me to do a line by line edit. I'm more than willing).

I like the message of your poem. It's beautiful: the idea of giving yourself over to the beauty of life and love. You have some wonderful images within this poem as well. Great job.

Please note, any suggestions I make are solely my opinion. This is your story/poem, so if you don't want to change it then don't.

Keep writing! You've definitely got talent.
-Neko

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#3371147

Review of I see Them - Heavy Metal

Review by Neko ♥ Away

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Rated: E

| (4.0)

Welcome to WDC, Aditya Joshi ! I hope you're enjoying your stay here so far. Here comes~

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This is a wonderful tribute to soldiers in general, and the fact that they'll do anything to protect what is important to them. I thought, in general, that this was well written (except for the word "wain" which should be "vain"). My one complaint is the mention of martians.. it just seemed out of the blue and odd. If this is going to be about fighting martians, I think they should be mentioned earlier in the poem. Otherwise, if possible, I'd suggest taking it out and replacing it with something more general.

Thank you for sharing these lyrics with me! They are well done and emotional. Great job.

Please note, any suggestions I make are solely my opinion. This is your story/poem, so if you don't want to change it then don't.

Keep up the wonderful work!
-Neko

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#3371107

Review of Rock-Bottom Dwelling

Review by Neko ♥ Away

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Rated: E

| (4.0)

Welcome to WDC, Fon Zamcho ! I hope you're enjoying your stay here so far. Here comes~

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What a sad poem. But it does definitely show that a home is anyplace you stay the night at. I always find myself calling a hotel "home" when on vacation, so no matter what the state of the place, it could still be a home when you're with people you love.

I adore the imagery you've used in this piece. It's fantastic. I also had no trouble following along until:

"The roof drips, the floor sinks,
You’ll never suspect
For lips on their way out
Sing sweet songs along."

Everything else made sense to me. You've got a unique style... the rhyme scheme, though hard to see at first, is a wonderful addition to your already wonderful poem.

Please note, any suggestions I make are solely my opinion. This is your story/poem, so if you don't want to change it then don't.

Great job! Keep up the fantastic work (and awesome imagery...!!!).
-Neko

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#3371066

Review of Dreams

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Rated: E

| (2.5)

Welcome to WDC, Ere ! I hope you're enjoying your stay here so far. Here comes~

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For a poem, this is a rather unusual structure. It looks a lot more like prose or a short story. If this is indeed a poem, I'd suggest using line structure rather than paragraphs in the middle. It would make it easier to read. But honestly, I'd rather suggest you turn this piece into prose. It fits a lot better for the type of writing included, which is abstract at best.

Since this is not under prose, I'd like to bring up some points. First, this is a very imaginative and interesting poem. I like the imagery and the feeling bursting out of every "sentence". However, some things are just too ambiguous and confusing. The way you use improper grammar/punctuation is also quite distracting and takes a lot away from you poem. If you were to correctly structure it (in more ways than one) I think this would make for an EXCELLENT poem.

If you need further help with this, let me know and I'll do some line by line edits for you or give you an example of what I mean (depending on what exactly you need help with). Other than what I mentioned, I really enjoyed how surreal this poem was (though I'm not sure how your description meets up with the actual poem). You've got an intriguing style.

Please note, any suggestions I make are solely my opinion. This is your story/poem, so if you don't want to change it then don't.

Keep up the excellent work! If you'd like me to re-rate/re-review this after you've edited it, please send me an email and let me know. Thank you for sharing!!!

-Neko

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#3370341

Review of Your Poem

Review by Neko ♥ Away

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Rated: 13+

| (4.0)

Hello, Erika ! I'm here to give you~

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I absolutely love how well this flows. It's fantastic. Your word choices are also great, and the way the speaker seems like a stalker/obsessive lover is intriguing. This is someone who won't take no for an answer and who will never let their love go, no matter what.

I do think this piece could have been longer and under the "Prose" category. If we had some more imagery, that would also be a step up. But other than what I've mentioned, you did a fantastic job and I enjoyed reading your work.

Your forceful tone is excellent and fits right in with how the speaker is portrayed through her/his words.

Please note, any suggestions I make are solely my opinion. This is your story/poem, so if you don't want to change it then don't.

Keep up the great job,
-Neko

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#3370327

Review of Accused

Review by Neko ♥ Away

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Rated: 13+

| (3.5)

Hello, Write-fully Loti ! I'm here to give you~

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This tale is a bit short, but it's packed with a lot of emotion. It's terrible what Tomas had done to the victim, but in my mind he's getting what he deserves, and it seems he thinks so too. His apologetic demeanor is not lost on me though, and I do feel bad for him. He made a mistake that will forever change his life.

It feels as if "fog" is repeated way too much, and there could be more description of the "accident". It feels as if the story might have been rushed a tad, and thus, I believe that it would benefit from being lengthened.

Other than that, though, I did enjoy the story. It just needs to be filled out a bit and it would be even better than it is now. Keep up the great work. (Without a longer story, it just doesn't seem as believable, nor as emotional as it could be).

Please note, any suggestions I make are solely my opinion. This is your story/poem, so if you don't want to change it then don't.

Great job and keep up the good work.

I enjoyed reading your story.
-Neko

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#3370280

Review of vampires

Review by Neko ♥ Away

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Rated: E

| (2.5)

Welcome to WDC, ninja ! I hope you're enjoying your stay here so far. Here comes~

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What a cute poem! This would be great for a Halloween children's book. It's a rather short poem, so I think you could extend it a tiny bit. You could also use some imagery to really show us those creepy vampires! Also, watch your capitalization, and maybe add some punctuation to this piece. Other than that, just adding imagery and making this longer would improve the poem.

Please note, any suggestions I make are solely my opinion. This is your story/poem, so if you don't want to change it then don't.

Great job and keep writing!
-Neko

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#3369477

Review of No More

Review by Neko ♥ Away

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Rated: 13+

| (5.0)

Hello, mARi☠StressedAtWork ! I'm here to give you~

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Wow, Mari! What a long way you've come... your poetry just keeps getting better and better. I felt it's been much too long since I last reviewed your work... so, here I am.

This is so well done! It's quite raw, with a ton of emotion and imagery. I had no problem following along and I like that you used a word count rather than a syllable count.

Fantastic job. I've no suggestions for this piece.

Please note, any suggestions I make are solely my opinion. This is your story/poem, so if you don't want to change it then don't.

-Neko

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#3365891

Review of Love is

Review by Neko ♥ Away

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Rated: E

| (2.5)

Welcome to WDC, andrew ! I hope you're enjoying your stay here so far. Here comes~

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Love is, indeed, many of these things and more. First off, I want to ask something... is this a poem? If this is a poem, you should indicate it as such by removing "Other" as its item type and replacing it with "Poetry". Secondly, if it is poetry, I'd suggest dividing up the paragraph into lines. This way, it will read much more smoothly. Last, I think this would make for a great LIST poem. If you add even more things love could be, that would make it just about perfect.

Other than what I mentioned, I did find some grammatical/spelling/capitalization errors which I will mention below. Also, I would suggest changing the rating of this item to ASR due to "love is perspiration in-between two bodies".

At the end, when you mention "Love is pain" could you give us examples of this like you did with everything else? I think it's just too general. How is love pain?

Suggestions:

Love is a blazing in my zigzag. "yeah"
I don't really understand this line. Could it be stated more clearly?

Love is a tides rising, a calming ripple of fate and destiny-twirling-intertwining into a smoother course of reality!
Should be "tide's".

Love is grass that has never been cut, a trickle down a stream, an eagle scouting its pray. the stroke of a violin in the hands of a master violinist.
"Pray" should be "prey" and there should be a comma after "prey" and before "the".

Please note, any suggestions I make are solely my opinion. This is your story/poem, so if you don't want to change it then don't.

Great job and keep writing! I enjoyed reading your work.

-Neko

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#3365826

Review of Aftermath

Review by Neko ♥ Away

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Rated: 13+

| (4.0)

Welcome to WDC, Crucis ! I hope you're enjoying your stay here so far. Here comes~

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I... absolutely... LOVE how you describe things. It's just so vivid, I could hardly tear my eyes away from my computer.

This is the main reason why I'm giving you a 4.0. The reason it is not as high as I would like, is because the story feels unfinished. There is much we do not know, as if there should be a part 2. IF that is the case, and there will be more to follow, you should note this somewhere in either the description or at the end of the item itself. Also, there are many sentences which are run-on's, or much longer than they need to be. I'd suggest re-reading and trying to catch sentences that are rather long... then shortening them a bit. (Then re-read to check if it sounds better!).

Other than what I mentioned, this was an excellent story. I'm extremely interested in it, and if there IS more, I want to read it!

Please let me know if you've got more to it, or if you ever edit this piece.. I'd love to come back and read more.

Please note, any suggestions I make are solely my opinion. This is your story/poem, so if you don't want to change it then don't.

Keep up the great work and thank you so much for the enjoyable read.
-Neko

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#3365818

Review of Who I am

Review by Neko ♥ Away

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Rated: E

| (4.5)

Welcome to WDC, Natalia ! I hope you're enjoying your stay here so far. Here comes~

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This is such an interesting and beautiful poem. I like the imagery, and the way the poem flows so well. You picked some great words and examples of "the beauty of life", which has allowed your poem to come to life itself. I especially like the end, as it is something personal to you. Keep up the great work. I've no suggestions for improvement.

Please note, any suggestions I make are solely my opinion. This is your story/poem, so if you don't want to change it then don't.

Great job! Thank you for the enjoyable and relaxing read.

This certainly shows just who YOU are!
-Neko

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#3365516

Review of The Yellow Mustang

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Rated: 13+

| (3.5)

Welcome to WDC, Bikerider ! I hope you're enjoying your stay here so far. Here comes~

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What a frightening thing that happened on this vacation... but it seemed to be passed by so quickly. I love how you describe the beach, and taking pictures of Cheryl, but the crime seems passed by so easily. There are no personal thoughts from the speaker nor Cheryl on this crime, instead it seems they skipped over it after the scene is described. (In other words, what was their reaction to what had happened?). From the item's description, I thought there was going to be a resolution to this crime, but you seem to cut the ending short. I'd change the description to better fit what happens in the story, or add a resolution.

Other than what was mentioned, the story was easy to follow, and, for the most part, extremely well written.

Great job and thank you SO much for the enjoyable read. You certainly made me want to go after that guy who had done such a horrible thing!

Suggestions:

The best part about the beach is the scenery, the bathing suits. But the beach was beautiful.
No one was disputing that the beach wasn't beautiful, nor was it indicated otherwise, thus I feel "But" is unneeded. Perhaps "This beach was the most beautiful" or something similar would work better?

There were many discriptions of the car and it's good looking but errant driver given to the police.
"discriptions" should be "descriptions".

Please note, any suggestions I make are solely my opinion. This is your story/poem, so if you don't want to change it then don't.

Keep up the wonderful work!

-Neko

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#3362627

Review of As I Wander'd Lone through Nature

Review by Neko ♥ Away

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Rated: E

| (4.0)

Hello, Davy Kraken ! I'm here to give you~

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Though I am not the biggest fan of Walt Whitman, I can see how your poem mimics his style. Because of how specific this poem is, I can't help but feel it needs to be longer... I also feel that the colors take away from the poem, as do the indentions. In my eyes, it would flow much better if kept to the left margin and in normal, black ink, because the colors and indentions are distracting from the natural beauty of this poem. Great job otherwise, I did enjoy this piece.

Please note, any suggestions I make are solely my opinion. This is your story/poem, so if you don't want to change it then don't.

Keep up the wonderful writing.
-Neko

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#3362625

Review of Skirts of Rain

Review by Neko ♥ Away

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Rated: E

| (5.0)

Hello, winklett ! I'm here to give you~

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Should I apologize to you? Hmm... well, I don't know. Honestly, I have NO recommendations for this poem. It is absolutely perfect as is. It flows extremely well and makes beautiful sense... I love it.

Please note, any suggestions I make are solely my opinion. This is your story/poem, so if you don't want to change it then don't.

I'm so sorry I couldn't find anything for you to improve upon.

But I think it speaks bounds on just how much I enjoyed this poem. Great job and keep up the wonderful writing.
-Neko

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#3357460

Review of November Dreary

Review by Neko ♥ Away

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Rated: E

| (4.0)

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Hello, Revelry new writings soon ! I'm here to give you~

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Title: "November Dreary" is a fitting title for this poem, as it is one of the subjects.

Prompt: Picture prompt chosen... for that you win a free custom signature from "Invalid Item" .

Body: I like your elegant writing style. You kept me interested from the beginning, all the way to the end. I do think some more about the woman could have been added, but the poem is nice as is. It had a subtle, dark nature to it, and I loved how you described what the woman looked like. One qualm I did have with your writing, is that you repeated certain words a lot, for ex. "watched/watching", "waiting", "cold", when other words could have sufficed and made for a better read.

Form: Free verse.

And even though it was free verse, it had great flow!

"Dark" Factor: As mentioned above, it had a nice, subtle darkness to it.

Errors: There were a few errors that I spotted. I'll list them below.

Suggestions:

and a group of bright red and orange marigold's and camillia's in the other.
I believe "marigold's" and "camillia's" should be "marigolds" and "camellias". (Notice the changed spelling for the latter word).

Upon the sands she stood the staring,
"the" should be "there".

Please note, any suggestions I make are solely my opinion. This is your story/poem, so if you don't want to change it then don't.

-Neko

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#3357073

Review of Crimson Twilight

Review by Neko ♥ Away

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Rated: 13+

| (2.5)

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Hello, Harris Henderson ! I'm here to give you~

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Title: "Crimsom Twilight" would be appropriate if the title wasn't misspelled. It should be "Crimson". Also, I do think something else could have been better, but that's just my opinion.

Prompt: You chose the picture prompt... for that, you win a free custom signature from "Invalid Item" .

Body: I'll admit, I loved the poem up until the 2nd stanza when a lover is added in. I want to know why she killed so many, and why in particular this person was shown over the others. Was he her only lover? Or were they all her lovers? What was so special about him? Also, was she some sort of creature from Hell if she had pet demons? I'm a little bewildered by this. A different title or description might help the reader to better understand what you are trying to portray.

Form: You use an aabb, ccdd, etc. format. Not very complicated, but it works. However, once we get to the 2nd stanza, 3rd line... it takes on a sing song quality. Perhaps a syllable count restriction could help with this? I'm not sure.

"Dark" Factor: Some parts seemed sing-songy, so I wasn't too frightened by this piece. It did have some darkness to it, especially in the beginning, but I felt it diminished towards the end.

Errors: None that I could find, besides the title.

Please note, any suggestions I make are solely my opinion. This is your story/poem, so if you don't want to change it then don't.

Thank you for sharing this poem with me, and for entering my contest! I really do appreciate your participation and I thoroughly enjoyed reading your poem. Keep up the great writing.
-Neko

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#3356905

Review of Wolverine

Review by Neko ♥ Away

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Rated: 13+

| (4.0)

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Hello, Koyel~writing again ! I'm here to give you~

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Title: I'm not sure if the title is all that it could be - as it doesn't add anything to your poem.

Prompt: You chose the Paradelle as your prompt and you pulled it off perfectly. You win 500 GPs just for using this prompt.

Body: I thought that you could have done more imagery with this piece, but aside from that you did a good job. I like the fact that the speaker both loves and hates the light, turning towards the dark only because they have to. It's contradictory, but understandable. I imagine the speaker as a vampire who wishes they could join the light once more, but they are addicted to their dark desires.

Form: You used the Paradelle as your form, which I might add... you did an excellent job with it. The Paradelle is challenging, but you tackled it head on.

"Dark" Factor: This poem is slightly generic in its "darkness", but there's nothing like a classic, right?

Errors: None that I could find.

Please note, any suggestions I make are solely my opinion. This is your story/poem, so if you don't want to change it then don't.

Thanks for entering my contest and for sharing this dark and bloody poem with me.

I enjoyed the read.
-Neko

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