This was an interesting read, though a bit different from what I normally like, I still enjoyed the read. I saw only one thing, "It gleamed matte black" this seems to be a conflict because matte normally doesn't gleam, but it's a fantasy story or more importantly your story, so you may write it as you wish.
I saw no grammar or spelling issues but I didn't focus on that so much as readability, and it reads well. Your world building is solid and I didn't see any contradictions other than the one noted above.
This has a well defined beginning, middle and end. Though it is out of my genres I would still read on, which is not an easy thing for me.
I rather liked the description of the night-crawlers, I think they can be fleshed out a bit more in a larger document but they're well done here.
I can see why you got your win for Fantastic Fantasy, well earned indeed.
I'm going to give you top marks, but give consideration to adding a couple of thousand words, it'll only get better.
This is just my opinion of course and other readers may see thing differently
I like the idea of this, but it needs some work. There are some grammar and continuity errors. Still the premise is solid but it deserves about another 1000 words or so. Spend some time with it and it'll be very scary.
This is just my opinion of course and other readers may see thing differently
I liked the idea of this very much, but it doesn't look like it has had a proper edit, there many grammar mistakes and typos. I would wager that you wrote this directly. Still I enjoyed the idea, with some work you could turn this into something truly outstanding and very frightening.
Consider getting Grammarly, it's a great program and can help a lot.
Here are the typo/grammar issues I noted, but there are more.
much like Abe Abe wasn’t perfect - Abe used twice
men Georgia fawn over - fawned?
a smile spreaded to his face - spread?
room, was bottles filled - were bottles filled
They looked to beautiful after words - They looked too beautiful for words
This is a great way to get a review, although I'm relatively new here also. I'm not sure how you found me specifically but I'm happy to do a review.
This is obviously a well thought out work, I say that because the rhyme and meter that you've displayed doesn't happen by accident. It requires thought and consideration. The emotions are well portrayed throughout. Outward desperation with a bit of hope building to the end. It appears that you incorporated desperation strongly at the beginning and then slowly strengthened hope toward at the end. Hope being the opposite of desperation and depression; it contrasts well. It also leaves the reader with hope and faith foremost. You are to be lauded for this because emotive poetry is not easy to do.
While this work is a bit long compared to other submission on Writing.com, I don't find that it distracts and is perfect for the subject as it allows you to build and reveal.
I'm not sure how to rate the structure, the line numbers vary from verse to verse which reads but does not feel clumsy.
Honestly in my modest opinion it is near perfect. I've never said that about anything I've reviewed. Other raters will see things differently, but because you enticed an emotional response from me I can't give you anything other than a 5 and a gift of points.
Be well and I hope to see more writing from you.
Ken
PS - You can send a link of your work by typing {bitem: the item# of your submission} I'm attaching an example
Invalid Item This item number is not valid. #2102203 by Not Available.
This is very, very good. It has a peaceful and realistic feel that is played just right, not over romantic just very real.
I liked the intro before we know Penelope is deaf, I like the sacrifice with real reference like the phone bill. My wife and I went through a point where the only luxury we had was a 5 dollar pizza on Saturday nights, but it was always the best because it was shared.
There are some points that need your attention -
she rested his head against his - who is resting there head where?
her smile big. - This is correct but it might be a good place for "lovely"
He didn’t mind this time. - I didn't catch the reference for this, did he miss something earlier?
I've going to give you a 4.5 because this spoke to me and made me feel happy and contented reading it. Not an easy thing to do to me.
Be well, and please keep writing; the world will be better for your efforts.
This has a rather nice feel to it, some of the rhymes feel a bit forced but the central idea is good, I liked the expanding meter which you did smoothly. When finding rhyme sometimes it's better to get your thoughts down and then rhyme from the bottom up. I'm not sure why that works for some people but it does.
Well done and smoothly, and while I don't know precisely what you were saying I enjoyed the way its written. I wouldn't change a thing about this. It reads as freestyle but there is something about your word choices that gives it meter, it's without rhyme that I saw but when I had finished reading it I was surprised to see no line ending rhyme. It's really good, but I have the sneaking suspicion that you got in the last word.
This is well written and I enjoyed reading it. The final line while correct to the them and emotively fitting was a bit clunky to me, if you deleted "Everything is" it would smooth things out considerably, but it is your work and I would still think of it as well done as is.
This is a promising opening. It needs some punctuation and structure help though. I would guess that you wrote this without going back to edit. The spelling is correct but the thoughts are a bit jumbled. You may intend that because of the nature of this submission. You break down the fourth wall between the reader and the author, which I'm undecided on but it leads to some confusion in perspective, the central item is the use of "we" including or speaking directly to the reader.
Still this has a very good feel, with some work it could be great especially considering how short it is.
Just my observations other may see it differently.
I liked this quite a bit, I like the rhythmic progression. Without defining lines it sets its rhythm without force, the meter is of course also solid. Your word choices are simple but correct.
Well done
Other readers may see things differently, but so what, I liked it.
I'm sorry, I just didn't follow this, though I tried very hard and reread several times. As such it is best that I do not comment beyond this.
Other readers will doubtless have a different view of your writing and I wish you the very best in your endeavors. I wish I could leave this unrated but Writing.com doesn't seem to allow me to do that. So, I will write it a 3 hoping to do no harm.
I like this quite a bit, being a sportsman of a different stripe I understand setting aside a technique that is productive for one that is more challenging. It's interesting to see a poem that actually teaches, while the emotive seems low it's uniqueness overcomes that. The meter is a bit choppy and some of the rhymes seem overly forced, but again it's originality overcomes all of that.
Well done.
These are of course my views and perspectives. Others may see things differently. I salute your valor.
This is well written and nothing caught my eye as far as typos, grammar or spelling goes; I find I disagree with your point more than I would have thought.
If studying literature, and reading the same is important to a writer then being mentored or critiqued by a more experienced writer is equally important. Consider, while you speak or write against it, you still submit for consideration here on Writing.com. That is of course probably an overstatement, but I'll stand on it.
Occasionally, you run into the critic who is out of their depth but those are apparent because they are heavy handed and tell you what to do instead of noting thing for your attention.
It is a simple fact that the reader will not see things the way the writer does, so it important to play to common ground.
Over-all, despite my difference I would call this a success, it's well thought out and has a solid structure with logical support, versus a lecture. Reconsider the numerous "I" and self references they make the work feel a bit haughty to me, as if you're saying "look at me", which I know was not your intent.
These are of course only my perspectives and I am but newly come to Writing.com, though not to writing.
Be well and I wish you the best in your endeavors.
I enjoyed this, there was a rhyme to it that I can't find when I look for it. The meter is good. The thoughts and images are vivid. I can close my eyes and see the sunlight lit rain falling on the tree. Very, very good imagery.
These are only my opinions other readers may see things differently.
The concept of this story is good, but it needs a bit of polish. As I read along I couldn't help but note that the writing seemed rushed especially form someone with as much recognition as you have. Give this a scrub for structure, syntax and punctuation. It's good but it will only get better with attention.
Just my opinion and observations other readers may feel differently.
I didn't follow this, sorry. I'm not wrapped up in rhythm and rhyme and freeform is cool, I saw the jumble but honestly it's overwhelming to me as the reader. I don't think there is a need for changing the wordage but some commas, and periods would help quite a bit. I'd rather not rate this as I may have missed the point, but Writing.com doesn't give me that option.
As always these are simply my observations and I wish you the best.
You need to lay off the coffee for a while.
The word that comes to mind after reading this is frantic, and while I am an insomniac too, thank God it's not like this for me. Set this to "The Windmills of my mind" and you could give people a hear attack. I mean; Damn!!
This has a certain feel to it that is pleasant, There is a rhyme that feels for the most part natural and well said, chocolate and tears is of course a very vivid image and well thought out.
These are of course just my opinions and others may see things differently.
There are some typos in this, compared to your other work this seems rushed as if you write it and then submitted or wrote directly to the story submission.
Potentially this could be very amusing though I saw the end coming. If jake had started giggling then laughing and finally roaring before the reveal it could have added some tension and helped the reader make the conclusion of itching powder.
These are of course just my opinion and others may see things differently.
I'm not sure what you're up to with this one. It is of course very raw and gritty. I think there is room for paragraphs in several places which will improve the readability. I wish that Writing.com allowed me to wait before rating because I'm like to see this again after you've had time to do your own edit. I'll rate this a 3 because there is room for improvement.
Of course all of this is just my opinion and the important thing is for you to keep writing.
earth should be capitalized to Earth, small thing I know but it got my attention.
Comet Shoemaker-Levy 9 demonstrates the problems of mining Jupiter. Long before the comet approached the Jovian planets atmosphere it experienced what is known as spaghettification which is caused by differential gravitational strength along the bodies length. The portion of the body closer to Jupiter experienced substantially greater gravitation attraction than the portion further way which will rip anything apart that is resisting Jupiter's pull. There may be a solution but friends of mine that work as spacecraft engineers assure me we haven't found it yet.
Sorry to be a spoil sport. The concept is solid but the technology isn't there yet.
I think your writing about success through adversity and contrasting teaching methods. Which I would call successful. All that said, I think this can be bettered with a bit of emotion. I understand that this is flash fiction (which I love)and you're limited by word count, but with some work this could be a super star for its genre.
Semicolons seem to be a challenge for you but think of it this way, when you've written a compound sentence that reaches a conclusion that is a place for a semicolon. Example;
"This news terrified Lin! She had always made good grades(;)(delete and)she had never missed an exam in her life(.) (delete 'but as') (S) she sat there(;) beginning (delete she began)to (delete 'breakout in a cold') sweat as a sick feeling arose in her stomach.
gray-headed headmaster (redundant use of forms of head) consider - gray haired headmaster.
a sleep - asleep
ginormous - modern word difficult for older readers or other cultures, huge would be less obtrusive.
As always this is just my opinion and while based on experience and technique; you writing should always be your own.
Well done, you've managed to weave a narrative into a poem, very difficult; all that and with rhyme and meter. Color me impressed. If I were to recommend one thing from my perspective it would be a request for feelings, you've described or rather noted fear but how does that feel to a cat? and how do you feel? amused, sad, annoyed?
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