I confess, at first read I was thinking car until I got to the 'magnificent novel.' So I promptly removed the silly notion and read again. In the end, I am still curious about your use of the word 'fuel'. Still find myself comparing the person to a car, plane, or lawn mower.
The treasure in the piece rests at the end: (pathetic attempt as self-chastisement; as if it would change any thing)
What a great opening for a poem. Your words seem to be hiding behind a wall of self-doubt, remove the wall and embrace your reader, you aren't alone in any of these things. Cry out from where you are.
Don't fear, just write, and if you fear, write more.
This story sticks in my head. You've crafted an intriguing character, put him in a challenging setting, and then afforded him wings to fly - only to call it all a hoax. How delightful!
The title adds a nice layer.
I'm curious as to the partial capitalization of the 'he' pronoun. Intentional or accidental?
No use of periods? I don't think it would hurt.
The pivotal line not only created focus and movement, but rang true to the story: 'He couldn't believe what he did see'
Fix a few commas, word selections, and minor meter issues to improve readability.
Interesting bit of narrative used to tell the story of Jason and the ATM. The story carried me well enough to the end in an understandable fashion.
The narrative voice rambled a bit at times, unnecessarily I felt. The style of the telling of the story was more off-putting than inviting at first, but I didn't mind it as much after I got into it. From the reader's perspective, much of the back story can be trimmed to create better flow, and the vulgarity cut or used throughout (but not just stuck in there all the sudden and then dropped).
Brush up the voice and shape of the story to emphasize the wit and premise with an economy of purposeful words.
Should you revise this story and desire my opinion further, I'd be happy to oblige. It's an enjoyable, humorous piece. Keep at it.
He penned a blank verse in invisible ink He being the author
That chronicled ermine in snow, White weasels on white snow
Vacuums, voids, and the sound of a wink, empty silence
And voyageurs with nowhere to go. Aimless travelers
A poem of meaningless words written with meter but no rhyme about hidden, empty pointlessness.
He said love without life is like life without love, He being the author, A-B=B-A
A spy who gets lost in the crowds, purposefully invisible
The empty nest of a fugitive dove, useless, empty
Or skywriting in the clouds. pointless
So I conclude you are not writing a poem about nothing.
Look at your grammar, sentence structure and the word choice in a few places like 'roll,' perhaps you mean 'role.' There are a few technical things to clean up. This is the only thing holding the story back.
But most importantly - amazing story, simple and well told.
Rework the beginning to get the flow and energy you have in the last half.
Great story, please let me know after you rework it so I can read it again. I really liked it.
I'm not going to critique your writing. The things I would say are all things you will learn as you write more. The key here is to write more and more and more. As you post things here asking for reviews, you might consider giving a question for the review to specifically respond to, something you want help with or want to know how it was taken.
Again, keep writing and good luck with your adventure.
The chorus is strong and catchy. I read it four times just to say that part. I'm sure I'll come back later and read it again. Great job catching the reader right from the beginning with sing-song rhythm, strong imagery, and simplicity.
The time element in this piece is fascinating. Again, I want to return to it later for another look. Good poetry, like spaghetti, tastes twice as good the next day.
What is Dixie Smoke? I guessed a place from context.
My favorite part was:
As he spoke
my heart heard him say,
Smile on sunshine
and let the full moon
find
our way.
I might just have to memorize this. It tickles me every time I say it.
Most of all, this poem does what it sets out to do with discretion creating more delight and intrigue. Beautifully done.
I read this piece yesterday and came back to it today. I'm guessing you intend this to be a lovely poem from the description. You'll need to know I'm not the average cookie, but when I read it last night I thought your beloved was stuffed nicely in a chest, perhaps at the foot of your bed. I loved the twist.
But then I read it again and thought maybe I was getting it wrong. LOL
What an interesting piece. I like your direction. It felt very poetic.
As the reader the piece it felt a bit overwhelming. The imagery was so poetic in nature it would have been easier to digest with some structure. One large paragraph was too much.
Because of the lack of structure it was easy to get lost as one image overtook the last. It forced me to back up and reread, uncertain if I had caught your meaning.
There were quite a few mechanical issues adding to the confusion. Here are a few examples:
There's a woman whose facade - are you really wanting to begin with 'there'?
A soft, sensual delicacy, you see, as fingers dig into the flesh. - the use of 'you see' interrupting this sentence felt out of place. You are describing the unseen. To me, it didn't fit the tempo or purpose.
...one sees plainly... - why change to 'one'? The piece is very intimate, 'one' distances the reader from the subject.
Which voice do you want the piece in? It begins with 'you' moves to 'one' and ends in 'I'.
As the reader I needed punctuation to help me breath. Otherwise your words clipped at a rate too fast to absorb.
Spelling: stich/stitch and surrounder/surrounded
I'm not sure you need to mention at the end that you are watching her 'with pity'. You've done a good job building this sense of pity in the reader. To read it at the end after your incredible effort lessens the reader's feeling...like we're having to be told. You did a great job getting pity across. Let it stand at that. You don't have to tell us what you've already shown us.
If you rewrite I'd love to read it again. What an amazing portrait you've painted. -Keni
What a fun read. You have a delightful style of writing. I look forward to reading more of your work. If you are interested in some of my thoughts and suggestions please read on, if not, thank you for the opportunity to read your work - keep writing.
If you are continuing on, know the following comments and suggestions are given as encouragement. Please take what helps and pitch the rest. You know your pen and the distance you wish to travel with it.
As I read through your story there were times I grew confused and struggled to understand what you were talking about. I'd stop and reread to see if I had missed something. You give just enough information about the setting and characters I felt I started to grasp the situation, but was not drawn in enough to join in the experience.
You might try rewriting the beginning to show what is happening rather than telling what is taking place. This is just a suggestion. It might draw the reader in more, make them part of the experience.
The style of your writing was, at times, interrupted by mechanical issues. Here are a few I found distracting:
The second and third sentence both begin 'With her...' This made for an odd relationship between the first three sentences.
Her father’s death was already unsettling, but her mother’s unending grief had only added to the burden and her friends had all, but carved out her beating heart while she slept.
This sentence made me feel like I was being told things I was suppose to understand but didn't, things I was suppose to connect to but didn't. It's structure is uncomfortable to read but the content is the real issue. What is the purpose of this sentence? Rewrite it to best suit that purpose.
Her feet stumbled and she buckled over for a slow moment and sticky sweat poured down her neck, pasting her hair onto her face.
You might consider replacing the second 'and' with 'as'. Just a thought. Both 'and's made it feel choppy.
This humid air roasted rabbits alive, but this one was drenched in despair.
I did not understand this sentence. It seemed to come out of nowhere.
You do a beautiful job choosing words. I really like that about your writing.
The end of your story felt the strongest. For a moment I could almost see what was going on myself. As the reader I needed to be swept up in the dream. Show me what happened, don't spend so much time telling me...let me experience it.
This is a cool piece. If you decide to do a rewrite let me know, I'd love to read it. Again I hope you find some of these suggestions helpful. Feel free to ask me any questions on things I have been unclear on. -Keni
Hi, I'm Keni, a fellow writer, reader and learner. Your story caught my eye because I just had to know where someone's mind would drift in the prospect of physics homework. I was not disappointed!I would like to share with you my impressions as a reader, encourage you as a writer, and thank you for the things you have taught me through your writing.
As a reader…
I didn't want the story to end. I had so many questions I wanted answered. Why did this happen to her? What is she going to do now? Isn't it strange that her fading away made me want to know her more?Great work!
Perhaps because of this longing to know her I really wanted her to have a name. As I kept reading I was tempted to name her myself. I, as the reader, wanted to hold on to her, it's part of our connection. (But I do understand your choice not to name her to add to her ambiguity.)
My favorite line was:
Some mornings she would lie in bed waiting for the memory of why and what and who she was to find her, and she could not help noticing that this was starting to take an increasingly long time.
It was a turning point. I knew something serious was going on. I even caught myself leaning into the screen to read more.
This story reminded me of Neverwhere by Neil Gaiman.
As a writer…
I thoroughly enjoyed your character development and the relationship between the girl and her surroundings.
There were a few parts that tripped me up. I want to share a few of those with you. Please hear the following comments as encouragement. They are given to help. If you find any of these suggestions less than helpful ignore them. You as the creator know your story best.
There were a few sentences that were a little rough. Here are a couple examples:
teachers forgetting to hand out a sheet to her, skipping her name on the register
The structure of this sentence implied a relationship to me between the sheet and the register. I also tripped over the use of the word 'sheet' alone.
Two months later, and the middle-aged woman is cleaning the guest bedroom of their 3-bed semi, thinking of nothing in particular.
What is a 3-bed semi? Is it a semi-truck with three beds?
Under the roar vacuum cleaner the faint, desperate whispers are lost
Something is missing here.
Your switch to present tense at the end felt a bit off to me. Maybe it was the transition. See what you think.
Thank you for sharing your story. Here's something I learned from you…
Your opening sentences feature the use of the word 'it' three times, a bit risky. Normally we avoid such repetition but you pulled it off nicely focusing the reader on the problem...the 'it'. Your risk paid off.
This is a lovely piece. Please let me know if you decide to take it further. I would love to read more. You have a good hand at story telling. Keep writing.
An interesting read with a mad scientist twist, it held my attention to the end. This piece demonstrates your imaginative story telling skills. A great start.
The overall feel of the piece felt a bit herky-jerky at times. Certian parts made me stop and read them again to be sure I understood, or I tripped over sentence structure. All of this can be soothed out in the editing process.
The only other part that gave me issue were the character's development. I felt like I needed to have more of a connection to Ernie. It didn't feel like I was relating to him rather reading over a list of events that had happened to him. It was really a little thing, but with a bit more development I think you can create a greater effect in the reader for the ending of the story.
Thank you for sharing this story. It was a pleasure to read. Keep up the great work! Write, write, write! -Keni
I found this piece very sensuous. Your rich use of color, smell, taste and even song made the reading an experience. Your word choices and rhythm kept it smooth and flowing.
The one struggle I kept having was with Anita. She didn't ring true. I got the direction you were going with her, but didn't feel she pulled it off honestly. From the reader perpsective she felt contrived, not natural. Her slightly jealous tone seemed to be more than slightly by her actions and dialogue.
Anita also changed the focus of the story. Her issues with Irisa played as the stronger of relationships in the piece. But by your title I assumed your focus was Irisa and her sensual experience, her relationship with her stimulator.
Thank you for sharing this story. Your writing style was very enjoyable and a bit intimidating to review. -Keni
Printed from https://writing.com/main/profile/reviews/keni
All Writing.Com images are copyrighted and may not be copied / modified in any way. All other brand names & trademarks are owned by their respective companies.
Generated in 0.11 seconds at 2:54am on Nov 23, 2024 via server WEBX2.
View Portfolio
Visit Notebook
Send Gift Points
Awards
Badges
Send Email
Community Newsfeed
General Discussion
Sponsored Items
Book of Trinkets
Static Items
Books
Groups
Interactive Stories
Audio
Campfire Creatives
Community Notes
Crossword Puzzles
Documents
Folders
Images
In & Outs
Madlibs
Photo Albums
Polls
Product Reviews
Quizzes
Survey Forms
Web Pages
Word Searches
There's a woman whose facade
Hi, I'm Keni, a fellow writer, reader and learner. Your story caught my eye because I just had to know where someone's mind would drift in the prospect of physics homework. I was not disappointed!I would like to share with you my impressions as a reader, encourage you as a writer, and thank you for the things you have taught me through your writing. 
Great work!