*ThumbsUp* Perfect.
Your tone is perfect. It's slow and uplifting at the same time. I think you made sure that the journey made sense and that you tracked each step of his journey so it is not rushed. I think your plot was strong.
*Confused*Needs some work.
The ending sentence cheapened the rest of the story. I became a bit confused towards the end as to who he was and what he was doing, but the ending sentence pulled me out of the story completely. I think it became a bit awkward since we're not sure who he his and what his job is. Add more clues to who he is.
*Blush*I Suggest...
Limit your adverbs and consider your word choice. For such a short piece each word needs to be weighted and chosen carefully.
"He reached in carefully, tentatively lifting the precious treasure from its temporary home."
This sentence in particular is almost a great sentence but the adverbs lessens the strength as well as the use of "ing." Passive verbs make the reader have to re-read to understand the sentence; it inhibits the flow. "He reached in and carefully, tentatively lifted the precious treasure from its temporary home." I would still change the adverbs and the word temporary, but it makes it active. Read the sentence over and over to make sure it flows.
*Star*Overview.
You're story is captures attention and invokes emotion from the reader. Make sure what you want to convey is conveyed. I was confused at his job and you can add more detail to it. I thought at the beginning he was delivering his own child but then it was another child or maybe it was supposed to be delivered to God, 'the true Father?" if this is in that direction. Double check why you wrote it and makes sure that's all there. An idea to make this into flash fiction so every single word is weighted and there is no unnecessary clutter. You could give yourself a word limit of 500 words or so.
A strength in this story was how you showed Pete's reactions. You didn't have to tell us anything, I could see it when he was nervous or interested by the way he thought about Lexi all week or how fast he ran back home. The characterization of the father was decent as well. You also attempt to bring in comparisons and metaphors between the sheep, Lexi, and the parents relationship and I appreciated this angle.
The metaphor about the sheep and Lexi and the parents should be strengthened as it does add to your story. It might seem cheesy, but it's possible if you're careful. What you have to do is to not add the part at the end where he tells us, but instead show it to us. This can be done when he has his flashback when he had the chops. He could say more about how the sheep followed him around even though he's killed a number of them. It will be apparent that this is what Lexi's doing with Rick. The parents can even have a degree of this. I'm not sure which would be better to be the "sheep," but one of the parents could still be going to Texas with the other despite the emotional abuse.
Your ending is a little too neatly wrapped up. I would make it more open. This could happen by him recognizing his parent is just following the other just like Lexi did. He can even confront the parent about what they're doing and how he wants them to stand up for them self. This could be a reflection on what he wanted to tell Lexi, but lacked the confidence to do so. Even if he still has to stay at the school, he sees his parents are more important. (This doesn't need to be told outright, but can be deducted by his standing up for the other parent.) Also, make Pete more likable to Lexi. The only thing he does is not act as bad as Rick was to her. Show how she seems to like him even if there's an age gap. Give him a reason to hope. Right now, he comes off as desperate.
Your premise is interesting and I can see the story being enjoyed. Don't get discouraged. You're a good writer. There's a talent here that just needs to be strengthened. It will do so as you take more classes. Make sure to pay attention to your characters desire and need as well as looking out for the catalyst. (Pete finding Lexi and Rick) Make sure that it's strong and full of detail. Make it obvious of what he just witnessed by Lexi's face being flushed or Rick's shirt being undone.Keep on writing and refining your talent!
To be fixed: A little bit more connection with the character would be helpful. I'm going to let you know what I thought of his life just to see if that's what you were trying to achieve. A saw him as a writer, but a writer that had mostly failed. He has given up on trying to be accepted, but instead lets everything sit in an unattended pile. He has turned to looking at other people's lives and creates a story for them in his head. Observation is a basic of novel writing and the start of anybody's journey. He's gone back to that without actually writing it down.
I loved it though. I found it thoughtful and that it showed the conclusions people reach just by observations. I enjoyed the exerience.
Perfect. You worked the imagery very well. I really enjoyed that. The water that explain feels so real and it drew me into the story. I loved the different metaphors you used too. First, the darkness of the water, then the coldness of the ice, and then the shackles that kept him tied to the bottom of the lake. It was written very well.
I Suggest... It was very well written, but there's a part that I'm not sure if I neccessarily like in there. There's a whole paragraph of him thinking about how he's going to put things in the past. Earlier in the story you have him think about why he's stuck, but it's in a different format, not in italics. I believe it's for dramatics, the part that's in italics, but maybe you could play that off a bit better. Not have it like that, it's just too different.
Overview. The story was very well written and I liked the fact that it held the feeling of a poem (the story being a metaphor all together), but in the form of a story. I really liked the language you used. Good job!
Perfect. That gave me goosebumps. :) I liked the story, it was intense and real. There was qualities about it that worked together: fear, adrenaline, love, sorrow, and pain. I liked the ending as well. It's really depressing, the thought that he would still do that when he has two kids and especially after he sees one of them, but it was still good.
Needs some work. The only thing I would really change was the fact he killed himself in his kitchen by hanging himself. There's love for his family and I don't know why Noah would want to have them find him like that. It doesn't seem real. I dont' get anything from him that would point to those type of feelings.
Overview. Good story. Really enjoyable and very good writing. The flow worked well.
Perfect. It was a good idea and I liked how you showed the innocence of Emma. Also the cat really helped make the story. It's what gets her into troublea dn then what gets her out. That's always a good move Some of your imagery also works. When you explain the cat's fur and her want for an orange it creates a very good image.
Needs some work. First you put her thoughts in quotes when it should be in italics. With quotes it makes the story very confusing, because the reader can't tell what she's thinking and what she's saying. If she says some things outloud that's okay, just make sure to put some detail behind it. I think you could add some more about the man that took her and the ride to his house. At first they're in the woods and then basically they're at his house. You could go through the fears that she has and explain her emotions a bit more. "Emma was scared by the grip he had her at. Her dad told her a man should never hold a little girl like that." Something in that sense could work. I noticed at the end you tried to play her off as brave. I think you should keep that innocent feel of her throughout the story. How she's afraid and she misses her family. At the end you can still keep the part where she pushes the guy so he doesn't shoot her father but add a bit more explanation.
Overview.It really was a good idea nd with a bit more work I believe you can do it!
Perfect. You definitely made the story flow well. There weren't spots where I stopped and had to re-read it again. I liked the how the story revolved around the spilt blood. It brought the story on and moved it forward, definitely keep that last line. Good imagery as well.
I Suggest... I was waiting for you to explain a bit more about the creature. You say that it's on four legs, but maybe say something about a dragging tail? A powerful jaw with razor sharp teeth? Or strong wings. Anything that will set the image.
Overview. I really did like it and with a few minor tweaks you can strengthen it. Keep it up!
Perfect. I liked the explanation of his face then the simple wonderings of the main character. It was simple and written very well.
Needs some work. I would add some more before he jumps. Subtext is a big part of a story and it would sound a bit better
I Suggest... Write about the look of the man with the character analyzing it and jumping to the wrong conclusions could make the suicide more devestation.
Overview. This was a very good story, I liked it alot. It brings the readers in and gives the illusion of it being just an observation. Very strong.
Needs some work. It's very confusing. Definitely needs more detail. Not a stand alone story at all. I didn't know what was going on, but not with curiousity but instead confusion. Maybe you should add just a little bit. Like who is the dark man? I mean right through it sounds like she's in a coffin because he's a vampire but the ending isn't that way.
I Suggest... Definitely work on the ending and the flashbacks I think can be explained a bit more.
Overview. Needs alot of work, but over all it is a good idea.Lots of pieces missing.
Perfect. The memory and the feelings drew me in. Everything felt very surreal, exactly like you explained it. Comforting even in the hectic time of boys and night. Your emotions really got me.
Needs some work. I think there could be more detail. It's a memoir, so adding a bit about being in the water and what is so comforting about it would help.
Overview. I really did like this. It's calming and shows your memories well.
Perfect. The fact you showed how he still loved his wife not told, made it really nice. It was loving. Also the descriptions of his every morning goings.
Needs some work. I would suggest on working on either showing or telling his feelings for Maggie. it was a bit confusing there and I think you could have made it a bit stronger.
I Suggest... You have the grandfather backflash, tell his grandson, or simply think about his feelings for Maggie and how they're relationship has always been.
Perfect. The intensity and climax of the story worked. It was dramtic and the exlanation that was used worked very well in this setting.
Needs some work. The first paragraph has some very choppy sentences. It could be better. Everybody loves a mystery, but they also like a slight resolution. The ending was a bit too weird.
I Suggest... I would say to add some commas in the first paragraph or join senetences together without making them run on ones. If you want to keep the question at the ending I would put in some understanding while she's with the mystery man. Make her embody Christine. Add in that suddenly she felt like somebody else. Explain feelings as well as looks. Much more mystery and would make the ending alot stronger.
Overview. It was very well written, work on the start and ending. The middle worked very well though.
Perfect. The quick lines. It made the story more interesting.
Needs some work. Too many words, too much to take in. Cardiomyopathy? A bit difficult for people to swallow and most don't know what it is. Googling a term takes away from the story.
What Stuck Out. It's short so people want to read.
I Suggest... Use a simpler disease that people have heard of. Make it a bit more understanding. I'm not really sure what it means.
Overview. Okay form, but needs alot of work with the story.
Perfect. The imagery was great. Had the feeling of Pan's Labyrinth. An innocent girl searching for so much more, wandering into her dreams. Very good. Innocent and dark all at the same time. The contrasting qualities of her room and the cave made the story.
Needs some work. There were confusing lines. "But there was a woman..... the cave." and "But it was the woman's blank eyes...that scared the child."
What Stuck Out. The contrasting qualities of her room and the cave made the story.
I Suggest... The first line that was confusing I would say make it all one sentence and the second line I would just take out the whole part between the commas and move the "as white as her hair" into the next line.
Overview. It was very good. I enjoyed reading it despite the absence of dialouge.
Write On!!!
YOU HAVE BEEN POWER REVIEWED.
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