I think you should follow through with expanding on this! I love it and would be eager to hear more about it all - background, attraction, further development of characters.
Your description is great and I could picture everything because of the descriptions. Nicely done. Let me know if you ever decide to expand on this!
Comments:
Took on a tone of seriousness yet found the humor by the end. I could kind of tell by your descriptions that you are into poetry. But the initial description in the beginning is remarkable, placing the reader within the context of the story.
Suggestions:
I would make it a bit more humorous towards the beginning, but other than that great job!
A very interesting story! I like the panic, could still be a bit more descriptive to put the reader in the story. I like it and would love to read more!
Suggestions:
Needs a spellcheck or a proofread. Some letter switching which could make it difficult for some.
I like where this story went, but is it intended to read like a play? If so you did a fantastic job of it. I would run a spellcheck throught his. There is a "to" that should be "too" and things like that. I can definitely put all of the images together but I would still use complete sentences for the "stage direction" (if that is how you want it read). The description allows the reader to vividly match the image in their head with how you wrote it. Nice writing!
Overall, good beginning to an even better story. Some pointers however: use an adjective to describe a noun and an adverb to describe a verb. For example in this sentence "She soon had Lillian tucked into her bed warmly." You should rearrange it to say "She soon had Lillian tucked warmly into her bed." There are a few other instances when that occurs. Another thing, when you mention the elevator, it seems kind of pointless. You should say that she say the elevator he made for her but simply that she was wheeled into the elevator he had made for her and then into her room. That would flow better. Watch for repetition in words like soon.
When you move from text to dialogue, the transition should be smoother. For example, when you write "I felt the hand grab my shoulder, the hand that had caused her to be captured “Come to see your handiwork Thastiel?” ' There should be differentiation. Such as either hitting enter or writing that you turned to face the owner of the hand. and then speak. Many of your sentences are run-ons and would be made clearer if broken up into distinct thoughts. Other sentences are broken up by comma splices.
Otherwise, great story! I really like where this could go! Keep writing! Watch for run on sentences and try to read it unbiasedly so as to cut out some of the confusion. I really like the story! Keep it up!!
Good overall plot line. I'm interested to see where the story goes and ends up. Some minor spelling errors: Meet - shouldn't it be meat? Lack of possessive for Sam in chapter 3. Other than that I liked it. Keep writing.
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