This is my first reading for 2014. Very well done! You have a few misspellings and word usage mistakes, but not enough to matter. I like your prose style and lyrical flow. You can really write. If I were you, if you haven't already, I'd consider beginning a novel. In fact, why not just make this short story into at least a novella. The racial harmony concept would make a good foundation for more story. You can make the hero keep a journal, and have him write down what happened everyday for a few months. In other words, it's time to expand your imaginary worlds!
Beautiful writing! Very interesting concept, too. What made you write about the Pope and Roman times? How creative and brave you are! I REALLY enjoyed this. The job of any story or book, is to take the reader away to a place beyond their own imagination. You have done that and then some!
I'm becoming very impressed with the level of writing existing on
this site. Is this a full length novel? If not, I suggest you keep going.
Nicely done. I wouldn't normally read this type of story (I'm mostly into horror and fantasy and syfy) but if written properly, any topic can become interesting.
I noticed the copywrite date is 2005. This is an old story? I liked it! Have you considered publishing it? If so,
What I would say is this: Depending on what size book you want to write, and what specific age group you wish to target, you might want to add more depth of story. (On the very first line, it's bolted upright "at" his desk.) When writing a children's book, word count is important. Will there be illustrations? Is this a book, or a short story? Have you looked at the type of books you wish to write.
Top notch prose and a surprisingly effective pace. I actually felt fear. Nice. I'm interested in reading the rest. If the rest is as consistently good, you have a winner.
Breathtaking! Wow, and I mean it. I'm a prose fanatic; prose (sentence structure and flow or pacing) are highly important to me...even more so than overall story--and I LOVE story! But you're damn good and I fell into the story rather quickly. Great pacing, and you happen to be funny. I found the speech translations hilarious, but I could hear the Schwarzenegger voice in my head. Well done. I like that you welcomed a critique...even a edit. You're either very brave, or very confident. Either way, you have IT. Fun and powerful writing. Keep going!
I truly hope that you're either working on a novel, or already have one. This is some of the best prose I've ever read. VERY well done! Nice twist to the story; not letting the reader know that the main character is actually a part of the problem, not just a possible innocent victim. You have a great imagination. My only problem with your story is that short stories (especially good ones like this one) make me long for more of the story. And furthermore, I have a sneaking suspicion that you're a professional, published author just showing off! But it is exceptional sentence structure and story. Pretty good editing too.. Only four stars because it should be a novel.
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