This is great! The very best thing I’ve read on the site so far. I love the angle of Snow White as a vampire and the narrator as her brother. I sincerely hope you plan to do something with this, to elaborate more as with some polish it could easily be an award winning piece. I can even see it being lengthened into a short novel. Seriously, I am impressed. Do something with this concept. Let me know if I can help with copyediting or anything on it. I’d be happy to help.
What irony that I would be having a rough few days in my own life to happen across your inspirational poem. I was simply keeping my promise to review the work of anyone who reviewed mine and it lead me here. Thank you.
Another irony is the fact I am not a big fan of poetry that doesn't rhyme. I'm pretty unschooled on the art to be fair. I can only "see" traditional styles for the most part but this somehow worked for me. Keep up the great work.
Well I have to say, I understand what you mean when the muse goes on a hike in the middle of a story. Happens to me too. Very frustrating.
Now, about the story. Awesome concept. A magical stone that protects the owner but at the cost of those he cares about around him. One of those cosmic catch-22s. Excellent! Good job.
I like the character development of Ryan too. He’s believable and I was starting to really feel his fear and frustration as the story went on.
I had some trouble with some of the events in the story though. First, Ryan doesn’t know the jogger who was killed, so the curse only kind of applied there (or at least as I interpreted it). I was thinking it only harmed people he cared about. Maybe have the crash victim be the nice old lady neighbor? Also, Jeff and the stray bullet. Harsh and so unlikely. Kind of a stretch for the exploding microwave too.
But wow, I do like the concept. What if you toned it down so people around him are experiencing “near misses” to the point he is getting worried. Little old lady neighbor walking her dog just misses getting plastered in the same spot he just was… Jeff…. Well, not sure what to do with Jeff. Emily chokes on a piece of pizza.
Not sure I’m helping. :) How long did you want this piece to be? Is it a short story? Are you looking for a quick wrap-up here or is this a longer work? I’d be happy to help you continue to work on it. Ending really will depend on how long you want this story to be.
Thank you for asking me to review your work. That is very flattering.
I have to say that the Prologue for “Outmaneuvered” did peak my interest. What can go wrong indeed? I can see a clever plot unfolding. That is exactly what a prologue should do.
You do well with character development. I felt I was beginning to know Susan even after just a few paragraphs. That is a great skill!
There are parts of your story however that feel are a bit disconnected. I can’t quite put my finger on it, but some of the sentences did not flow well together. Perhaps too much detail given in to short a time? If you flesh out the prologue a bit with more specifics and perhaps add some more dialogue, I think it will read better.
Overall though, I see you have talent. Keep writing!
Great job on setting and character development. Even in such a short story I felt I really got to know Andy and his house. You are very good at that skill. However, you might actually have too many metaphors in this story. I am a huge fan of descriptive text and I enjoy detail in my settings and characters but even that can be too rich at times. I suggest moderation in your particulars. Sometimes less really is more.
The plot was unique and I always appreciate that. Some decent foreshadowing however the story overall didn’t really have the “gotcha” factor I believe you were striving for here. It felt a little forced and disconnected at times. I had trouble linking the phone calls with the “fear” voice with the people in the corner. I’d suggest working on harmonizing those elements somehow.
Also, some confusing lines at times. I’m not sure if I’m just reading them wrong or if words are missing or what is off but for example “No answer left the speakers just crackling back at him placed” just doesn’t make sense.
I noted a few typos that you’ll want to clean up. An example: “wife, Alice', death” needs an s after Alice (unless this is a dialect thing?)
Still, overall, a strong effort. I think you have real talent and I look forward to reading more of your work.
Clever plot. I really enjoyed the characters. Good development there.
However, there are a lot of mistakes in your writing that need to be cleaned up. They distract the reader from simply enjoying the story.
Examples:
uncle JJ maybe mad > should be “Uncle JJ may be mad”
couple of mouths or so. > should be “months”
let the water fall > should be “letting the water fall”
Also, verb tense confusion at times. For example, Teal looked in the mirror but JJ runs upstairs. It should be either looks and runs or looked and ran. Hope that makes sense.
Overall though, you have real talent. Please keep writing and sharing your work with us. And, I would be happy to copyedit for you sometime. Just send me an email.
Overall, a solid plot. A little predictable perhaps, but it worked. Nice touches using the scare factor of both the basement and shower settings. I think everyone is paranoid of those.
I think you have real talent however your writing suffers from lack of editing and proof reading. There were numerous mistakes that detracted from just enjoying the story. Here are a couple of examples to help you:
“dialed her boyfriends number”. or “a womans touch” – these require apostrophes to show ownership. You have a number of places where this needs to be fixed.
“I found her down the end of the river” – this sentence appears to be missing a word. There are a few other places where this happened as well.
Also, try to avoid using the same word twice in the same sentence. Be more creative as this lends itself to a better story. Example:
She closed the door closed behind them.
Again, I think you have real talent. I would be happy to help copyedit for you on this or future work. Feel free to send me a note.
Good stuff. I’ve worked as a Project Manager in a corporate setting and this was right on target. Dilbert couldn’t have written it better. Not anything obvious I’d change. Clean, tight lines. Honestly the only thing I don’t really like about the poem is the title. Monumentally Inferring? As in hugely surmising? You lost me. What am I missing?
Very entertaining plot. Perhaps a tad bit predictable by the end but that didn’t detract from the overall story.
Fred Ryan was a believable main character although I’d have liked to “know” him a little more. Perhaps a more physical description would have helped. I also had trouble connecting with him emotionally. I read the story from a point of interest but not really compassion. Under the circumstances of his plight, compassion should have been there.
I enjoyed the humorous aspects (the childhood belongings, the ironic t-shirt and the gambling lie) and I think you have a real knack for that in your story telling.
Overall, I’m glad I took the time to read “The Sound” and I’ll look for your name on other material.
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