Oh no!
I thought I had enough on my card to pay for another year-long (?) membership, but as it turns out I don't. Could you grant me a free one this time around? Please? I was really counting on getting some writing done here.
I'll give you chocolate!!! *holds out bar of chocolate (of your choice) and waves it under your nose*
The story gave a lot away, even though I believe there are a few elements missing. You may have been limited by word count, though. Which makes it completely understandable.
You left me hanging, though. What made the noise? Was it a person sneaking around? Or an animal, maybe?
I noticed a few things and thought I'd mention them just in case they're important.
1- falling in love is like... - Should "falling" be capitalized here? Well, every line, really.
2- ...dropping for an aircraft - did you mean to say "from" here?
3- your heart beats slows - the two words ending in "s" don't work well together. It needs to be either heart beat slows or heart beats slow. I personally prefer the first option.
4- I'm not sure you need to say it leaves it broken. Perhaps you can just use the first "it".
I'm not a much of a poet. So just take what I've pointed out/mentioned with a grain of salt. If it doesn't work to change something, there's no obligation.
LOL. This is cute and tells a wonderful story. People once thought of Bibles with so much more reverence. And family history no longer seems important to very many now. This story did a good job of relating the importance of both, though I'm fairly certain it's more the comical side (Adam's underwear?) that you were aiming for. Am I right? In any case, you did a good job with this. Truly. NICE WORK!!
AWESOME! BEAUTIFUL! it reminds me so much of that song "God is good, all the time"! This is so honest and profound!! It tells the truth in every word and stanza. WELL-DONE!!
This was well-written. It read well and the pacing was excellent. At least to my unpoetic mind. Poetry was never my "ally", but this one spoke of hidden thoughts becoming stronger (and dangerous?). WELL-DONE!
This was pretty well-written. Good job!
I noticed a couple of things that may or may not be important.
Before & After a person's name (in this case "God") there should be a comma. I'm quite certain even in poetry (not my strong point, I'll admit), the comma is still used to indicate the Person to Whom you are speaking.
I also noticed this second line in the second paragraph and it makes me wonder a little what you may have meant to say (it doesn't really make sense).
[ Born in Iraq desert, ]
However, I appreciate this poem immensely. The way you give thanks to God and admit that you would accept a different life if He so chose is gratifying. VERY MUCH SO.
This was great! Fast-paced, yet truthful! It's a shame more kids don't sink their teeth into apples anymore!! Hopefully this little poem will be widely-read and bring the love of fruit back!
Wow!! this was a beautiful piece!! I truly enjoyed reading it. It was well-paced and the syllable count was spot on. You did a wonderful job with this and I commend you!
WELL-DONE!
Brief and honest. The syllable count is good (I think?): 4-4-4 (each line is even so I'll count it as a positive). This poem gives a good idea of what LOVE can really mean. WELL-DONE!!
I have a bit of understanding in this arena. I was without actual sight for some time. I also used a wheelchair. This tells a story even though it's short. You did a good job summarizing what being handicapped can be like. We should all remember this - hopefully you can get it published or something one day if it isn't already Too many people take advantage of those who cannot defend themselves.
Other than that, I have only to say it was very good. Well-written. GOOD JOB!!
This is well-written. Short but precise. It gives details without actually stating them. Your syllable count is good (I counted ^_^ ) and it makes perfect sense.
This poem was a fast-paced read but it revealed so much about you (the author). The pride of a father watching his son as his son does what little boys do. I personally think you could have made it a bit longer by writing about other [exploits] But seeing a father's pride in how his son enjoys himself is one for the books!! WELL-DONE!
I love how we don't find out her name until the very end. The suspense in that alone was wonderful. This reads so sweetly. The love felt by the writer (by you?) was almost palpable. It was a most touching poem and I think it does a wonderful job showing the writer's deep feelings.
This was a brief yet pensive piece. I had to think about what was said, and I wonder how much of it is YOU. This piece was heartfelt and made me almost smile at how much it actually resembles my own thoughts and struggles at times.
Hmm. A thoughtful and quick-paced read. I believe here you're describing a way in which the earth changes as time passes and darkness approaches. Is that correct?
I thought it was a lovely, almost-pensive read. It made me consider what it's like out of doors.
THIS. WAS. AWESOME!!
I wish I could write so eloquently as you did here!
God IS so amazing!! There's NO WAY we can prove otherwise. The world often tries SO HARD and concocts numerous methods of shaming His followers so they will "quit Him".
I often feel so alone in the world - even surrounded by family and friends who love me for who I am.
I only noticed two things in your writing.
1) It always catches my attention when I see "him" and "he" and etc - any word that is referring to the Almighty - that isn't capitalized. I do understand that is how some people do their writing. But I'm wondering if perhaps you just forgot to do that? To me, because God is SOVEREIGN, He deserves 1st place - and that includes showing Him the respect I was taught from a young age.
Please don't think I'm intending to attack you. Rarely do I speak my mind without coming across as too blunt. But God deserves our respect, right?
That was something I noticed, anyway.
2) The other thing I noticed was that you used the same word - "celebrate" - in several different forms numerous times in the first couple of paragraphs. I think it might sound better if you use two or three words instead of repeating the same one.
I'm reading/critiquing now, but I do have a suggestion for future projects if it'll work out. Perhaps you can suspend the use of <was> and <had? verbs. Just a thought.
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