I love this, Kare! It has such a mischievous feel to it. Just makes one smile to read it. Brave friend to give his two-year-old a drum set! And you have captured the entire scene - the grinning little boy banging away on the drum, the mom and the dad finding ways to cope with the noise of the budding artist (earplugs!) I can almost hear the drums echoing through the house as I read.
You've built good suspense into your story. The title of the piece gives nothing away, so the reader isn't quite sure what he or she is getting into at first. Good job.
The pacing of your story is well-done and the plot line is strong. You did a good job communicating Jack's emotions. You have the reader wondering what is wrong well before the reveal. Good job on that.
It's a good story; you've told it well. It could use a good punctuation edit - those pesky commas! You can set MS Word (if you use that) to check grammar as well as spelling - that's a helpful feature. You have to double check it, though, as sometimes it just throws in a random comma where it doesn't belong. But it lets you either accept or reject each editing suggestion.
Here are a few things I noticed as I read through the story. You might want to take another look at these; they can slow the reader down while he or she is trying to understand what you're saying. For example, Unlike here in Seattle where the clouds were constantly within moments notice, their hostile rain bitter. Both were equally ruthless. The wording here doesn't flow well. Maybe your could try something like this: Unlike here in Seattle, where hostile rain clouds could appear without a moment's notice, the bitter rain ruthless in its assault.
Here's another example that could use some fine tuning: When the rush of frigid wind assaulted his face he sighed again. The problem is that sighing wouldn't be a normal reaction to a rush of frigid wind. These are the little things that make your reader pause and ponder what he or she just read, instead of smoothly reading your story. You want the flow to be as effortless as possible. You want the reader to be pulled along by the current of the story, not stopping to re-read a sentence that didn't ring true. A more normal reaction is reflected in this example of a revision for that line: A rush of frigid wind greeted him as he pushed open the door. Hunching his shoulders against the wind, he burrowed down into his jacket as he reached in his pocket for his cell phone.
Only one more suggestion, okay two really, as I'm sure you're getting tired of me by now.
He proceeded to the dance floor - not preceded. AND last but not least:
Gracelessly he drove dove through a large crowd ... You can use "drove" but if you do, you might want to say "...he drove his body..."
Please remember that these suggestions are only one person's opinion. Take from this review what you feel will help you and toss out the rest. You are the best judge of your own work. My intention is to be helpful and I hope I have accomplished that.
I'm back. With another review from The Ink Blot Authors Fan Club. I was so taken with the first story I read and reviewed from your port, that I couldn't resist sneaking over to your blog. And I'm so glad I did.
You write a wonderful blog - the kind that makes me want to settle down in a comfy chair and just read and read. I read every post and I'm adding you to my favorites list right now.
Since this will be a public review, I'm encouraging everyone to stop by and spend a few moments reading this blog. And then check out her port. This girl can write!
You have been gifted the Edgar Allan Poe Fan Package by simply_complex. This fan package includes at least nine reviews of your work, in addition to various other gifts. I am honored to be one of your 'Fan-atic' reviewers for this package.
Mara, this is the first time I have read any of your work and I have to say that if this piece is any indication, your nomination to the Authors Fan Club is well-deserved.
This piece of work is stunning. Extremely well-written with a depth of emotion that is uncanny. A tragic, heartbreaking story that is both hard to read and impossible not to at the very same time. I devoured every word with an aching heart and a lump in my throat.
Your phrasing is beautiful, the timing of your story is flawless. This piece is deserving of nothing less than FIVE GOLDEN STARS. What a talent you possess!
Wow - this is an excellent short story! My eyes raced over every word. Your story is so flawlessly written and flows so well; the only time my eyes lingered on a passage for any length of time was when I came across particularly clever descriptions. Then I had to stop and admire your words! For example:
Grady's crazy grin cracked his face in half. Beautiful!
The way you told Grady's story is genius. The reader gets a road map to Grady's life from childhood through adulthood. I love this!
One typo caught my eye: no victims were knowknown to have left the house.
This is another of your reviews for the Emily Bronte Fan Package ordered by kiyasama for you from the:
kiyasama has gifted you the Emily Bronte Fan Package which includes, among other gifts, a total of nine reviews of your work. I'm pleased to be one of your fan-atic reviewers.
I love this story, which was apparently written for a contest, which I hope you win. This story is a great read and is very well-written. The easy, conversational style of this piece is just one of the things that makes it so enjoyable. You've also done an excellent job of constructing the characters and the introduction of each one into the storyline is seamless.
Mechanics: Maybe a missing comma or two, but overall, your mechanics are excellent.
One thing I noticed that might need refining: Pitch darkness cloaked the car Shouldn't this read - Pitch-black darkness cloaked the car ?
Excellent writing and great story! The characters and style are so likable. If you decide to expand this in the future, I'd love to read it.
You write horror very well. You have a wonderfully fertile imagination. And I don't usually even like horror stories, but I like yours. Such clever twists and turns and always so well-written. Your pieces are very smooth reads. That's one of the things that make them so enjoyable. What a talent you have!
One suggestion for improvement for this piece: The house is very quiet and she jumps at every sound, thinking that her husband has managed to defeat her yet. Should this be written as "...managed to defeat her yet again?"
Another review from one of your fan-atic reviewers at the Ink Blot Authors Fan Club. I am delighted that you have been nominated and after reading some of your work, I can say that I think the honor is definitely well-deserved!
This piece is another riveting story. Extremely well-written, very clever with a great imaginative twist. I love the way you've taken the mundane elements of life and woven them into a mysterious, highly-enjoyable piece of writing. You are an excellent writer. You have found a fan in me!
You have been gifted the T,S. Eliot Fan Package, which includes nine reviews, as well as a host of other gifts. I am happy to be one of your fan-atic reviewers!
This is an extremely well-written piece, fabulous plot, wicked unexpected twists - everything about it is wonderful. I thoroughly enjoyed reading this story. The pacing is perfect, and your characters are well-drawn.
The only error I spotted was a very minor one and it was so minor, it didn't detract at all from the FIVE STARS this piece deserves.
Wow! I'm glad I picked this piece for my 2nd review for your Edgar Allen Poe Fan Pkg. Excellent piece! And I think you've spoken for most of us in addressing the "Anonymous" rater. I put a lot of time and thought into my reviews and I truly hope that when I receive reviews, the reviewer will give me the same respect. You've spoken your mind in this piece and I hope that every anonymous rater out there stumbles upon this piece.
And, as always, your writing is superb and always a delight to read.
You have been gifted the Edgar Allen Poe Fan Package by Stephanie Grace. I'm happy to be one of your fan-atic reviewers for this package, which will include at least 9 reviews, along with a host of other gifts.
I really enjoyed reading your "More About Me" piece. It's always nice to learn a little more about our "virtual friends." And what I learned from this piece is that you are as genuine as I've always assumed you are. You've done an excellent job of writing about the important "stuff" that lets your readers get to know you on a deeper level. The piece is extremely well-written. My only suggestion for improvement is that I still want to know more!
This is my second review for you for the JRR Tolkien Fan Package that you won. Again, I was drawn to this piece by the title - this is a wonderful title - perfectly descriptive for the subject you write about and just intriguing enough to catch the reader's attention.
You've done an admirable job of expressing your emotions, hurts, and the forgiveness you struggle to give. Good for you for writing about this - I hope it was cathartic for you.
You have been gifted the JRR Tolkien Fan Package which includes, among other things, at least nine reviews of works in your port. I am happy to be one of your fan-atic reviewers.
Choices and Feelings - the title drew me in. You've done an excellent job of explaining and illustrating the difference between the two. Your explanation is spot-on! And I love the last line in this piece.
The only suggestion I have is that you might want to expand on it a bit. It seemed to be just gaining steam and then it was over.
Great title! The title is what drew me to this piece - well-chosen! I love the way you've related this story in reflection through the eyes of a young boy. Your writing has wonderful continuity. You've woven a tight thread thoughout the piece which gently pulls the reader along eager to find out what happens next.
Great job on the mechanics - I didn't find any errors in grammar or punctuation. I also like the way you've written your story with short, concise paragraphs - makes it easily digestible. Long, wordy paragraphs tend to scare readers away. (Trust me, I learned this by experience - I tend to the wordy side)
I am happy to be one of your fan-atic reviewers for the Hemingway Fan Package gifted to you by the Circle of Sisters. This is only one of at least nine reviews you will receive.
I like this poem! I like its energy, its insistence and the very clever question posed by The Chanters at the end. You have done an excellent job of personifying mental illness. From the first line, this poem screams, "Read me!" I had no choice - I was caught up in its flow from the first word.
Excellent writing! I thoroughly enjoyed this read.
Hi, mARi☠StressedAtWork. Congratulations on your nomination to the Ink Blot Author's Fan Club. You have been nominated by one of your fans to receive the EBB LOVE package. I'm thrilled to be doing one of the nine reviews you'll receive as part of your package, gifted to you on behalf of the Broken Hearts Poetry Contest.
Please keep in mind that any suggestions for improvement are offered with respect and are only the opinion of this reviewer. Take what you believe is relevant and disregard the rest.
Overall Impression: A very nice cNote shop with unique images and a great variety of categories. Nicely done!
Suggestions for improvement: None. Just keep doing what you're doing. Your cNotes are lovely. Unique and original.
Mechanics
My Favorite Part: I like the fact that you have such variety in your shop and your cNotes are affordable.
Hi, Jezri. Congratulations on your nomination to the Ink Blot Author's Fan Club. You have been nominated by one of your fans to receive the EBB LOVE package. I'm thrilled to be doing one of the nine reviews you'll receive as part of your package, gifted to you on behalf of A Broken Heart Poetry Contest.
Please keep in mind that any suggestions for improvement are offered with respect and are only the opinion of this reviewer. Take what you believe is relevant and disregard the rest.
Overall Impression: Very well-written, great expression of the tug-of-war of emotions caused by unforgiveness. I love the imagery you used to illustrate the chains of unforgiveness and the struggle to learn to forgive and be forgiven.
Suggestions for improvement: I wouldn't change a thing.
Mechanics No errors in grammar or spelling. Well done!
My Favorite Part: The vivid imagery and lovely phrasing. Great job!
Hi, 🌕 HuntersMoon. Congratulations on your nomination to the Ink Blot Author's Fan Club. You have been nominated by one of your fans to receive the EBB LOVE package. I'm thrilled to be doing one of the nine reviews you'll receive as part of your package, gifted to you on behalf of the Broken Heart Poetry Contest.
Please keep in mind that any suggestions for improvement are offered with respect and are only the opinion of this reviewer. Take what you believe is relevant and disregard the rest.
Overall Impression: Very enjoyable - a lot of fun to read. And I even learned a couple of new words! Love the illustration - it's a perfect fit for the poem. Any time you have the opportunity to use the word "loquacious", you know it's got to be a winner.
Suggestions for improvement: The only suggestion I would have is more of a personal preference than anything else. Take it with a grain of salt. You had to go the "gas route"?
Mechanics No errors noted whatsoever.
My Favorite Part: I love the notes after the poem. Genius - pure genius!
Hi, JACE. Congratulations on your nomination to the Ink Blot Author's Fan Club. You have been nominated by one of your fans to receive the Edgar Allen Poe package. I'm thrilled to be doing one of the nine reviews you'll receive as part of your package, gifted to you by simply_complex.
Please keep in mind that any suggestions for improvement are offered with respect and are only the opinion of this reviewer. Take what you believe is relevant and disregard the rest.
Overall Impression: I like the tongue-in-cheek attitude of this piece. A very enjoyable read!
Suggestions for improvement: Only very minor grammar and/or punctuation errors noted. None of these take away at all from the effectiveness of this piece. Good and hope is are there too. Comma needed after "there" No none one goes through life ...
My Favorite Part: I love this line: (But, I think 'bad' has a better press agent.) Great line!
This is a tiny story that packs a powerful punch. I love the way you slipped so effortlessly into the mind of a twelve-year-old girl. I could feel the emotions, the flush of embarrassment on the girl's cheek, all of it. Very well done.
With a minimum of words, you manage to transport the reader back to a most uncomfortable time of life. There is so much more story behind the story and you've made the reader remember all of that with this "slice of life" presentation.
Excellently written. I found no mechanical errors at all.
An excellent piece of writing. I love the twist at the end and I always like it when the "good guys" win.
I like your style of writing. It is very smooth and flows well - no fits and starts, just one smooth stream. Very nice. The timing in this piece is very good, as well. You grab the reader with the first sentence and hold his/her attention throughout with a plot that has just the right amount of tension and momentum.
I like the way you switch back and forth between different POVs - not an easy task to pull off, but you did it flawlessly.
I did not notice any mechanical errors. Your writing is very good.
Written for a 55-word contest, this piece packs a lot of punch for so few words. With only 55 words at one's disposal to tell a story, the right words -and only the right words - must be chosen. This writer has done that very well and has presented us with a multi-layered story. Quite a feat for simply 55 words.
Well-written poem with vibrant imagery. There is a lovely sense of peace throughout this poem. It's very well done and I have only one suggestion for improvement. In the following line:
This is very good work. You are not just a good writer, you are a storyteller. There's a difference, you know. You can be a good writer and be boring as hell, but if you're a good writer and a good storyteller, then your stories are magic.
The flow of this piece is great, it's very easy and comfortable. There is a lot of wisdom and solid truth in here, too. Couple of typos, but nothing that a good proofread won't fix and it's so enjoyable to read, they don't take anything away from the story.
I loved reading this. What a bittersweet, but very wonderful story. You chose just the right words to tell your story with only a few carefully chosen words and phrases, but you said so much with so little. It takes a special kind of talent to put that kind of emotion into such an economy of words.
This was a joy to read. Please keep writing, so I can keep reading.
Kay Jordan
** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **
Printed from https://writing.com/main/profile/reviews/kayjordan
All Writing.Com images are copyrighted and may not be copied / modified in any way. All other brand names & trademarks are owned by their respective companies.
Generated in 0.15 seconds at 3:47am on Nov 21, 2024 via server WEBX1.
| (4.5)
View Portfolio
Visit Notebook
Send Gift Points
Awards
Badges
Send Email
Community Newsfeed
General Discussion
Sponsored Items
Book of Trinkets
Static Items
Books
Groups
Interactive Stories
Audio
Campfire Creatives
Community Notes
Crossword Puzzles
Documents
Folders
Images
In & Outs
Madlibs
Photo Albums
Polls
Product Reviews
Quizzes
Survey Forms
Web Pages
Word Searches
