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Printed from https://writing.com/main/profile/reviews/kawika
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201 Public Reviews Given
201 Total Reviews Given
Public Reviews
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Review of THE WAITING ROOM  Open in new Window.
In affiliation with October Novel Prep Winners Gr...  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hi. I am reading this because it won the 'newbies' contest. I'm not sure what the perameters were for this story. First, the content. I thought you built up the suspense well. You also didn't tell us right away what the 'disease' was. These are both good qualities in writing. On the other hand, you didn't drag it out too long. I felt it was just enough. This is such a subjective thing. TIming. I feel that if I don't want to speed up reading, then the timing is rigth. Second, there is the format. I have been told to do just as you do here. The paragraphs are short and stand out because you added a space. This makes it easier for some of the young ones to read. You know they want things fast and easy now. Third, there is the gramar and spelling. I really don't care to judge that. It all looked good. I usually look for some humor, but given the topic, it may be inappropraite. That may, on second thought, make it even more effective. Humor is not comedy, however.
I enjoyed reading this and felt it was an effective glimpse into a waiting room. Thanks.


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In affiliation with The Talent Pond  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (5.0)
Hello Woody. This is a great twist on the old childhood song. Never quite sure what they were singing about. But you have certainly cleared the air!
Who was the interviewer? CNN? Brian Williams? Fox News ? We could go crazy here. Was this part of a contest? What were the guidelines? You could have run away with this, but you knew when to stop. Good job.K


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Review of Relief  Open in new Window.
In affiliation with The Poet's Place  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hope you were wearing shoes when you broke free! I like this poem. The image and the concept that is almost universal. I'm sure everyone can relate to something similar.
You chose a good theme (dropping the glass). It could have been something bigger and more serious, but it was fairly a simple thing that turned out to symbolize a lot. Thanks for sharing.
K


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In affiliation with The Poet's Place  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (2.5)
Hi Jimminy. Interesting play with the words heart and earth. I do wonder why you explained it to the reader in the end.
Do you think your writing to cryptic? Or do you think the readers cannot observe.? The tone was a mysterious one. You did that quite well. Then, in the end, rather than give another clue (perhaps easier one) you just tell the answer.

There is good rythm and an overall good tone. For future reference, you may want to give the reader a little more credit.


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Review of Black on White  Open in new Window.
In affiliation with The Poet's Place  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (5.0)
I was just scrolling by and was intrigued by the title of this poem. I think the concept is very much worth the work. As a matter of fact, I would want more depth with this subject. Of course, that's just my opinion. It would be worthwhile to include some more detail. I also like the way you developed this theme.


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Review of A new path  Open in new Window.
In affiliation with The Poet's Place  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (4.0)
Good positive reflections with a hopeful outcome. I like some of the phrasing like “The more we move, the faster we heal,
the better things get, the better we feel“ . There are others that seem a little cliche, like "reality is not what it seems."
You clearly spent a lot of time and thought on this work. I like the concept and the images you chose to express it.


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Review of Night Sounds  Open in new Window.
In affiliation with The Poet's Place  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (5.0)
I like these four quatrains. They are lyrical and the metaphor is consistant. The rhyming and rythym is maintained throughout.
I particularly like how the poem is developed. It moves from the thesis to the specifics in the next refrains. keep it up!


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Rated: E | (5.0)
I want to do this. Tried to log first day. Dont know if it worked.
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Review of Creativity  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (4.0)
A generous description of creativity. Enjoyed reading it.
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Review of A Memory  Open in new Window.
In affiliation with The Poet's Place  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (4.0)
My first thought was: Oh oh! mixed metaphors! After all, time, mirrors, a lock. all in the first stanza made me hope for consistency. You did well in keeping it strtaight. A lake, reflections, dancing and music all went well in harmony with the first part. There were some new ones as well. Still not conflicting. Then the third one sounded very final. Even though the goodbye said is not final since it will be back tomorrow. That is the only thing I may do different. "all that breathes" may refer to people. If so, why not "all who breathe" and to correct the science in the last line, what about "a slow (or long) goodbye". It seems that a lot of thought went into this poem. Don't change anything because of what I say. ENjoyed this short work. Thanks.


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In affiliation with The Talent Pond  Open in new Window.
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Enjoyed reading this. It's end was almost a lead to a second story, but that may drive you crazy! Real life is the best source for stories. No obvious grammar or usage issues that I can see. You have my sympathy for you and technology!
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In affiliation with The Poet's Place  Open in new Window.
Rated: ASR | (3.5)
All too true. I think this is a universal experience. Good sense of humor. There are no grammatical mistakes (that I notice), so the only question I have is, why is this a poem? It could have been a story or essay. I don't mean that in a sarcastic way. I am really curious why you decided on this form.
To me (again, a thing to take lightly) poetry has elements like imagery ,metaphors ,alliteration and sometimes it rhymes.
I like the expression "drinking courage". Was this a contest entry? What contest?


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Review of Last request  Open in new Window.
In affiliation with Shadows and Light Free Verse G...  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hi Koyel. I found you again as I was looking through the list of entries in the shadows and light verse contest.
This free verse poem has some interesting features. You have some imagery, some alliteration, and a few other phrases that show you really thought about the words you were choosing.
To make this poem more powerful, you may consider shorter lines.
There is a lot of potential in some of the phrasing like “the soft coos of the doves.."
Kawika


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In affiliation with The Poet's Place  Open in new Window.
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Good job with this form. It's one of my favorites. I have one, but don't quite like it enough to post it here. I don't remember if the meter is supposed to be iambic. It probably is not specified. That's why I like it.


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Review of send me back  Open in new Window.
In affiliation with The Poet's Place  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (4.0)
This is a provocative concept.I like the idea of going back in time. I have played around with the idea of going back to guide myself when I was younger. This poem goes much further back in time. There is nothing wrong with the message or the flow of this poem.
You may want to try more implication rather than stating things explicitly. In that case, the language would be more concrete and therefore a stronger poem would emerge because you would be making your reader think.
Good possibilities here.


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Review of in this age  Open in new Window.
In affiliation with Shadows and Light Free Verse G...  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (4.0)
I like the rythym of this poem. The cadence the pace is perfect. I like the phrase about the old gods. I was thinking you could use an example instead of a general noun. Like, no more Odin and Thor. (Well, I live in Minnesota, do what do you expect?
Well done.


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Review of The Veteran  Open in new Window.
In affiliation with The Poet's Place  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | N/A (Review only item.)
I like this form. I have a few cinquain poems. Have not tried the rictameter. Only one comment. The tense seems to change from the second line "fought" to the 5th line "give" . The title is singular "veteran" and the poem is about plural "soldiers".
Will look for others you have written.


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Review of Radiating Romance  Open in new Window.
In affiliation with Shadows and Light Free Verse G...  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hi. I happened upon this pleasant poem by hitting the "review" button. So, this is a random review. I can read this fluently. There are no 'hiccups' where I have to stop and re-read anything. The thought is certainly a pleasant one The thought of romance on a spring day. Just one suggestion: The word 'chirp' seems out of harmony with the general tone of the poem. Of course, this is just my opinion. Perhaps warble or something a little softer sounding? I haven't checked a thesaurus, but that's one resource that can help with word choice.
Enjoyed,
K


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In affiliation with Shadows and Light Free Verse G...  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hello. This is a very lyrical poem. I like the first line. It provides the setting for the whole poem. I also like the changing perspective. You start from a 'long view' then move in for a 'close-up'. Great planning went into this poem.
Of course, with free verse, the rhythm is all you.
I found this because I have an entry in this same contest.


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In affiliation with The Poet's Place  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (4.5)
I like how you have used the refrain to keep the reader engaged. I'm not very good at counting the meter and syllable. But if that is lacking here, the message is clear. This is a true commentary on life and world awareness today. Thanks for putting this out there. I think the shorter lines add to the dramatic effect. Mine, of course is not so serious a subject!
Take care,
K


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Review of Empty Pages  Open in new Window.
In affiliation with Shadows and Light Free Verse G...  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (3.5)
This is a very lyrical poem. I can appreciate the value of a book in a world that is largely electronic. You did well in the refrain moving from the first to the last line. There are a number of types of poems that do the same thing. I thought you were going to end up saying it was a Bible or something. If you are thinking of it as a metaphor, I didn't catch any clues.

It does seem to fit someone with a disability, but not entirely.


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Review of The World  Open in new Window.
In affiliation with Shadows and Light Free Verse G...  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (3.0)
This is a philosophical poem. The first line is a little awkward. Perhaps it should be " The way I see the world is simple:" That is without the 'a'.

The poem itself reflects that simplistic perspective. The poem itself could have more poetic elements like imagery, metaphor, or concrete language.
I like the way you flipped the line in the end. Keep writing.


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Review of The parcel  Open in new Window.
In affiliation with The Talent Pond  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (5.0)
That would be awful! I like this little story. I must admit that I thought it would be something gross. Then you said it rattled. Not sure what made a finger tip rattle. Shall I stay tuned for page two? You certainly used up all your five senses (except for smell and taste,of course) to give us clues. Thanks for the suspense this morning.


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Review of My Obese Prowler  Open in new Window.
In affiliation with The Poet's Place  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (3.5)
This was a funny description of a fat cat. I like the rhythm of this work. I would like the rhyming to be a little more predictable. It is written in a meter that makes the reader anticipate humor. Of course, its about a cat. What could be funnier. I would like the end to follow suit. It seems to leave the reader hanging. Since I am allergic to cats, I don't have one. But perhaps the end could be some satisfaction for Domino? Maybe he gets some catnip or something??/ Just a thought.
Good job.


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Review of Mea Copa  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (4.0)
Could be a hallmark card!
Well done.
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