A mighty story might I say. Gods and their toys, right? I love how you showed it was all but a well crafted game of the gods but did not make that the focus. Instead, you made the characters vibrant and real, more than just pawns on a board, yet still unknowingly manipulated into play. The ending was wonderfully powerful as well, topped with the ironic lack of empathy from the Elders. Surprisingly I'm glad I don't know who won (because underdogs winning is not uncommon). The intense emotion from unsuspecting chess pieces was satisfaction enough.
Of course, criticism is due even for a masterpiece.
The format was frustrating, considering the way WDC poorly preserves spacing at time. Clumps of paragraphs that were not all one and the same confused me occasionally. That aside, I question the course in which she showed the background story. Were the flash backs necessary? Would it have been simpler to just show it chronologically? I say this because the random set of name drops, flashbacks still speaking of things more distant so. While the point is to keep you present in the final battle I presume with the same breaks you could have still wrote it from A to D, not C to A and B then to D.
In very short stories its important to not jump around too much because we only get a little time to understand the whole picture.
I'm not accustomed to first and second person POV, so forgive me if my review is off balance.
First off, on a sarcastic note, thanks for reminding me of my torment. I, humorously am well acquainted with the narrator of this moment in time. I would so boldly as to say I am this person. The entire thing is purely honest. I don't think much of anyone could simply dismiss this as hog mosh. "Let he without sin cast the first stone," I always say. In a love so heavenly divine, who doesn't feel unworthy and weak? Who are you in the grand scheme of things against a feeling so pure and powerful? And then your other grasps your hand and reminds you that you are important. Especially, if no other, to them.
Stunningly beautiful. I don't think ther is much as I can say in towards that. It's something not many people think about. A lot of people feel don't realize that is their own ignorance that causes so much tension and hate between hate. Their own stubborn belief to not understand the rest of the world that kills us all. I wish more people could actually read this.
Ah, that was beautiful! I pretty much predicted where it was going, but knowing how it's going to end compared how it's actually written out is a whole different thing in itself!
Uhm, for one... [this is just advice I hear too often from handbooks and magazines] trust your readers. Sometimes you don't need to explain the metaphors. For instance:
It upset her to realize that the pencil could only cover the permanent marker. It was just like the rip on her heart, you could bandage it, but it didn't go away: you simply covered it up.
You could have left it at the pencil covering the marker part. That alone was enough say how she felt. Sometimes over explaining can damage the feeling you're trying to convey.
Also make sure you space cuts in the scene. I was confused, at first, when the girl and Zach were suddenly a tree. Or to even know she received the note from Zach. Some subtle hint is good enough if you don't want to stray too far.
Another thing is, you don't always have to explain a character when they enter. Usually, if it's done well enough, their actions alone can show what sort of person they are. Such as, it was clear that he was one of those sorts of teachers that focus more on disciplining students rather than continuing a lesson.
Thanks for the entry, though! It was well written in spite of what I mentioned. Always remember, trust your reader! ^^
The first verse suggests you're a little too cruel to yourself, but I guess I'm not here to review your perception of yourself. As for your poem, I gave it a 3.5 [now don't take it farther than a grain of sand, I'm no poet] because I'd often find myself stumbling over the beat. The flow was somewhat... choppy...?
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