Hello! I have chosen, not so randomly, your work for review!
Yay?
I haven't found anything wrong in this story. Seriously. Grammatically is all, pretty much, good... But , at least, to me it's kind of ... Boring? Is it a harsh word?
I kinda expected the secret ingredient, to be ... I don't know ... " blood of a racoon I killed in the back yard two days ago".
BUT! I learned something new.
I didn't know lavender honey existed until I just read it!
And well, now we know other recipes for peach cobbler...
So... Yeah. It's good. It's not about me it's about the story. Always be objective when reviewing. Good job.
Hello! I randomly chose your work to review!
You're either non religious person, or a person who has been disappointed at "God". I'm not religious, so I wrote "God". Anyways... It's catchy, it's good. I'm impressed with the choice of words that rhyme. Good job! I like it. The poem as a poem, is awesome. And when reviewing you have to be objective and realize you're not here to judge the writer. I'm loving it as a poem and not because I agree with you. I hope others will be OBJECTIVE and not judging.
It's short, yet so goddamn interesting!
Hello! I randomly picked up you work for reviewing!
Like I said. Short, but interesting. You could try and make it, at least, a long story. And I repeat AT LEAST. The beginning before bookstore, this as the middle and the end... Why not try making a trilogy. Takes hard work, but you're onto something
One thing not sure if mistake or not.
1. Sitting in piles of stock sat the owner reading behind a tatty desk-- (Sitting in piles of stock, sat the owner reading behind a tatty desk-- coma here ? )
That's it. Try making more of the book store. A winner in my opinion!
Hello! Randomly picked your work to review!
Let me start off with, hahaha. I feel ya bro! xD
Okay. Now. I like your work, but, it's going to be 4.5 stars from me because some things that bugs me. And giving out issues and handing out 5 stars is not right by my duty of reviewing.
1. "So, you're loud, womanizing friends and a girl." -- (YOUR-- It's extremely annoying to me when I see that error. Sorry.)
2. "he's selfish or an idiot" -- (I my opinion... Wouldn't "he's EITHER selfish or an idiot" sound better?
Didn't notice much errors, but these two. But I like your work!
P.S. Did you click on the auto-award for review? I mean, I didn't notice that on other peoples work and I didn't check if you can set it on, or is it automatic until you turn it off. I ask this because if you give away points for reviewing it, you can get a poor 250 character review because someone needs GP. Just trying to help not criticize.
Keep up the good work!
Hello! I randomly picked your piece of work to review! ^_^ . But, first I gotta say this. Reviewing other peoples work is hard. It's hard being or looking like a jerk, when someone put a lot of time and hatd work into their... Well... Work.
1. The I like the story. And "like" is a soft word. It's a great story. It would be awesome if it can turn out in at least a few more chapters.
2. Now some things I noticed. I wouldn't call it an issue. I just noticed... You used a lot of the "she" words. If you meant to use it that often I apologize. It sounds like too much (for me, at least). Other things are listed on "a" and "b".
a.) "She got up that morning...
...She laid in bed for a while before finally deciding to start her day." -- Did she got up and laid back down? Or did you mean she woke up. ( if she just "woke up" that doesn't mean that she got up. She just woke up.)
b.) "Smelling the hot dogs from a nearby street vendor she smiled, knowing what she knew, there would be no time for eating today." (correction: Smelling the hot dogs from a nearby street vendor, she smiled, knowing what she knew there would be no time for eating today.) - coma correction?. I mean it can look like a minor detail, but coma is there for a reason in grammar.(now I'm acting like asshole... Sorry). I meant was that using coma is sometimes important. Especially in long sentences. There are more sentences in which doma is not included, or , put in a wrong place. And if im not mistaken, some sentences could use a dot. Like sentence should end,but the just continue. Like you're merging two sentences in one. I don't know how to explain it better.
Storyline: Very interesting and very catchy. Like.
Grammar: Some words I feel like they don't belong there, try re-reading out loud maybe you'll notice.
Conclusion: It's all good if you ask me. You can't go wrong with mafia novels. Crime, mystery and such. Basically all you need is inspiration and imagination and you have that.
Story you wrote was, in my opinion, very, very good. There are some grammatical errors I suppose,but I consider it was because you didn't have the time to correct it. For example "My fevered brain is playing tricks on me again as I flail my arms and my legs get tangled in the sheets."
I think that it would sound better like this "My fevered brain is playing tricks on me again as I flail my arms and legs, getting tangled in the sheets.". And a cup of water in the fridge? Wouldn't it sound better if,it was a bottle of water? And some things like that. You can re-read it later and you will probably notice some of the stuff. In conclusion... Everything else seems great :)
This has been,reviewed by newbie,Kac, for the Newbies are the judge.
I like how you wrote this poem. It seems like you put a lot of effort in it. Even though I'm not a religious type, that doesn't matter. It makes sense and has its own message and I love how you made it rhyme writing like a poetic story. (can't find the right words to describe it) It's easy to picture the events that happened. You can feel the comfort and hope in it.
** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **
This has been reviewed by newbie, Kac, for Newbies are the judge.
I know how you feel. Some people (mostly young) don't appreciate life enough. So as you grow older and clock starts ticking faster you realize everyone/everything deserves to live a full life. I'm actually 22 years old, but understand the dilemma. This is nicely put to understanding. Makes you re-think about the actions and cause of the actions you made.
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