I loved this. I would have wanted you though, to put in some of the crazy things you said! Would have loved to hear first-hand how whacky you are.
I have to tell you though, it won't go away. Meaning, I'm in my 50's and the crazy things still come out of your mouth. This makes us human.
More craziness, please
Good poem. Meter is good, rhymes are good. What I'm missing are the details; how you really felt. What made you fall for her? Was it her eyes, her smile, the she walked? The way she talked? What I am saying is go deeper. Go to the root of your attraction for her and what it feels like then, to have it not work out. This is whre the heart beats in romance.
Nicely done. And a great metaphor for my life, for all lives. They say you cannot step in the same river twice and so it goes with us from day today. Keep writing!
karlta
This is absolutely FABULOUS!!! Despite some grammatical and punctuation errors, you have put into words quite beautifully what so many of us feel and go through.
This could so easily be published in a women's magazine. Hand me the kleenex!
And why on valentines day do I feel a deep guilt for wanting this above all else when so much more matters?
I have highlighted this phrase (above) because you say what we all think we should think, but exactly the opposite is true! Love is what matters and when we tell ourselves otherwise, we are just trying to stay sane. How you chose to phrase it says it all!
On a personal note: you stole a page right out of my diary and I had to divorce the man.
Again, what a great piece of work!
Thank you. You have a great future!
Karla
This is good.
I so understand your point of view. Been there.
I am a songwriter myself (have 2 cd's out) so I'm not just blowing smoke. I cannot suggest any changes without hearing the lyrics set to music. That's when you know if it will work for you or not.
Keep on writing those songs! It's therapeutic.
Karla
This is a very good start; quite sad, quite descriptive.
There are two things I would change or add. You don't need quite so much detail description. Your reader will know what is happening.
What we want are the thoughts going through her head - possibly in italics.
For example:
and she would be but another grave hidden in the masses. . . . where I thought my brother was
and she was proven once again a coward. why did he leave us? was he a coward, too?
just a couple of ideas to bring the reader smack dab into this girl's suffering.
Stay in that boring Math class, if this is what comes out of it!
Karla
I just love your writing. You have a "voice" in your writing that is unmistakable. And you make me laugh. What is really special about your writing though, is that I SEE what you are talking about. I can picture it happening and I laugh even more.
So many of us writers have a hard time "showing," not "telling."
Also, you have things to write about (I KNOW you do!) that others would never experience, so this is new to me and very welcome.
Thank you for being part of Writing.com
Karla
OHMYGOD. This is one of the funniest things I have ever read. This should be a comedy sketch on television. Sounds like something right out of Mr. Show or In Living Color.
The only reason I didn't give it a 5, is that it needs some clean-up in punctuation, and paragraph structure, but you killed me! You really killed me. I was screamin' when you described the "kitchen" scene. Don't want to explain it here, because I don't want to ruin another reader's pleasure.
This is fabulous. I feel your anger and your perspective on the gross differences of people's lives. My father came from the Philippines and I have studied a bit of the culture there.
It's sad to read, that in that nation, it seems not a lot has changed since my father was a young man.
If you work on this a bit more (I might suggest making it shorter) this should be published somewhere, somehow.
The only line that confused me was the following: While spokening in dollars are a hard to come from
But I still give you 5 stars, because that's the way I am!
Karla
Quite beautiful.
You understand the "use of words" to convey what the reader
sees
hears
feels
smells
and you leave it to the reader to make their own world out of yours. That, in my humble opinion, is the gift of the writer and the poet; to let the reader fill in the gaps, rather than beating them over the head with description.
The only thing I wanted a bit more of was the anticipation of the rain. Maybe you put it in there, and I missed it. But where I live, you can SMELL it coming, that ozone burn or something, the subtle change in temperature, the wind picking up . . .
(Okay, and this is really picky, but I think sinc is spelled sync. Forgive me for pointing that out.)
Great work. Thank you.
Karla
There's too much good to be able to single out one thing. I'd have to reprint the entire work here.
Your imagery and words are proof that this was a truly inspired poem.
I loved it. It would make good lyrics. hmmm. I'm a songwriter. Maybe we could collaborate. If I come up with something musical, I'll contact you for permission, etc.
There's only one itty bitty thing I might change: There's the cosmos that's so strange and humanity's blind.
That one word makes it awkward to say and is not necessary to the rythym (I know I spelled that wrong . . .)
But still, I gave it a FIVE STAR because it's a long time since I've read anything so original and stunning.
You are talented
Karla
PS: You wouldn't happen to be related to Dr. Winston O'Boogie would you?
Very funny. You have a great comic bent. (something I hold right up there with Sainthood).
There are a number of grammatical and punctuation errors. This is one reason I didn't give it a higher rating. But these things are easy to correct and master.
Your title got me hooked right away. Oh Lordy, how we can all relate to the Hamster.
There's only a couple lines I would consider changing, and remember, this is just one hack's opinion!
My prison;, which I can't get out.
Well yes, It's because I am.
These possible changes would make the flow better.
Great Poem. Great Subject.
Karla
I apologize that this isn't really a bona fide review, but um . . . you readers can always arrest me for breaking the rules just this once.
I happen to agree with you friend. I do not use marijuana, but I do use sedatives and I do use alcohol. You can find a liquor store on every corner, but marijuana? Oh, Dear Friends, it is considered a "gateway drug."
Uh-huh.
Well, so is cough syrup with codeine.
So is liquor.
So is valium.
Our country would dig it's rear-end out of debt if it controlled the sale of marijuana as it does liquor. Just think of the profit. Just think of the health benefits.
Very funny. Loved it. The only thing I wanted was for it to be longer, I wanted to hear him "talk" more because it was funny.
Thank you for making me giggle
Karla
You really hit a nerve with me. I have just begun a new relationship myself with a man named Rob. He is stellar, but your piece says it all -- the wariness, the untrustfulness, the questioning. And you've made this clear to me in your writing because of the "past," without going into the past.
Forgive me, if I've read this wrongly.
The way you weaved the fruit trees in was masterful.
The only reason (and it's petty) that I didn't give it 5 stars were a couple of punctuation things.
You have a great start here. I especially appreciate how you jumped right in at the beginning, instead of setting the story up; adding lots of descriptions as so many writers do. I loved that you got to the dillemma right away! It grabbed my attention.
This was so good that I was sorry and shocked when it ended. I want more. I hope you continue this.
Wow. This was a great story and because I understand, every word of it is believable. Thank god, it has a happy ending, because I really like stories where the person finally faces the change and takes a strong stand. It is more difficult to do than people realize.
You did a great job of illustrating the confusion that comes when you love someone who is destroying you.
I quite honestly agree with your essay. It is well-written and the message is clear. I, too am a Disney fan, but I'll admit I never got to see a Disney movie until I was an adult.
Now, I have a goal of collecting all of the Disney movies for my son. I want to give him that magical gift that I never had.
There is only one point you make in your essay in which I disagree with you:
Disney teaches humanity no actual lessons except for the benefit of being beautiful.
I believe many of the Disney movies tackle injustice, bigotry, the plight of the poor, greediness, teamwork, etc.
Humbly,
Karla
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