Very nice. What a great job. I think children are special to Him,
and they do have their own sensitivity and wisdom. If we're adults,
we can find that He stored wealth for us there, in our childhoods.
Thanks for sharing this.
Lovely. It's like a slice of life. For a moment, we're up against the window on a cole day, looking
into someone's life. It's like a still life painting. Only with writing, you get motion and thought.
I love the part about the persimmon tree and how it correlates back to the loss of a child to a
hard winter coming. It's very nicely cohesive. The symbolism all pulls together, and without saying
too much, it says just enough.
Very lovely.
Thank you.
Wow. This is really dark, all right. It's got a unique viewpoint.
I mean, who is this person? What an outlook.
In the fourth stanza, do you mean 'where do you PUT your torutred sighs?'
instead of 'where do you out your tortured sighs'?
I don't know. Out sounds kind of weird to me.
You could always make it 'where do you breathe your tortured sighs?'
I really liked this one.
Captures the night, I feel. I got a good image of kids in
Halloween costumes out on the street. Sums up the season
too. I could relate to it from a grandmotherly aspect, letting
the parents worry and knowing it's not the kids who get really scared.
I enjoyed it.
Thank you.
I know just how you feel.
It's a good one, and there are those of us who can relate.
As far as critiquing goes, it makes me feel that sort of blue
way that depressive poetry does. When I'm in a certain mood,
I like that. It's sort of like patting myself on the shoulder.
I suggest you edit your punctuation for a smoother reading experience.
Example: You could try -- Don't let your job title be a tool
to be cruel,
No one deserves that, do they?
I just feel like you haven't presented it as effectively as you could yet.
I like it a lot, though.
Thanks.
wow. This is really gripping. You write in neat, concise sentences, and it moves cleanly from image to image. It's imaginative and horrifying. I was captivating. So glad I dropped in to take a look. I really don't see anything you could do to improve it. It's nice and tight. I think it's all there. I hope you find a market for it. It deserves to be read.
Thanks for the gps.
I like it. You capture the mob mentality towards the end. I found all of it believable, and I didn't doubt
that the narrator had been there. It all rang true to me. So good job there. As far as the writing goes,
you need to edit your work, watch for where you've ended sentences with prepositions.
example: 'someone picked up a brick and launched it at the nearby bank we had been protesting outside of.'
Try wording it differently, if you can so you don't end it with the preposition of. 'Someone picked up a brick and launched it at the nearby bank where we had protested all day.' Something like that might work.
Just say it a little differently and see what you get. It's well done and deserves some good editing. You capture mood very well, and your images are well done. It might be effective to add more sound to it. Let us hear what's happening. The gunshot is there, but not the riot. Reach our ears, and the piece is going to get just that much better.
As it stands, it's a good piece with a lot of potential.
We need to hear. Don't neglect our senses.
And it needs to be edited by you.
I'm glad I read this one.
Thanks!
This is sad and very mysterious. You managed to capture the otherworldly mystique of angels,
their aloof dispassion, I think. It's rather lofty in a way that brings them to mind. In fact, I think the
lofty attitude is what makes it so appropriate. I felt like I was dealing with 'that other world' here,
and it's been a long time since I had that feeling. I don't think just anyone can write about angels.
Good job. Liked the feather. In fact, I'd like it if it all got a little more visual or sensory all the way around.
Thanks for a fun read.
Thank you for this. I had a lot of fun with it and couldn't stop reading. It's neat. It's tight.
Every sentence is well packed. This delivers so beautifully that I couldn't find anything
to criticize. It's a very absorbing story and a fascinating world. For a while here, I was
able to forget my surroundings and just enjoy what you created for me to indulge in,
and that's what good writing is really all about it. This was definitely worth it.
Thanks so much.
Great story!
I liked the way you managed to create a growing sense of suspense throughout
with what seems like such a mundane series of events taking place. We have
a slice of ordinary life become extraordinary. What interested me most is how the
characters actually take a back seat to the events. It's really more a series of events
and this guy's reactions to them. It's a beautiful look at cause and effect in a short story,
if that helps you in narrowing it down for a market. For every action, there's a reaction.
Isn't that a law of physics? Even the characters are all a part of cause and effect. They
too become events in the story.
I almost gave you five stars. It reads that well and is written that tightly. The only reason I
didn't is because I think it could stand going over one more time, and that's at the beginning,
the scene with Ms. Taylor. It reads rougher than the rest of the piece. My mind wandered a little
until I got to the unpacking, where I had a great deal of fun. I like your imagination. I think I like
his dad's imagination too.
As for suggestions, it's just not as tight and concise as the rest of it and lacks the overall feeling of
suspense that follows the reader through the story. You might polish his tour of the apartment too.
Those are the only two places where my mind drifted. This one deserves to be perfect!
Hope it sells!
Pretty good. What you need to look for is some repetition and some indefinite clauses that you throw in. The clauses make you sound as if you're stumbling in an effort to try to think what to say. I can tell it's a rough draft. With a good editing, it could go somewhere interesting. Try shortening your sentences down to a very active decisiveness and see what happens. Shorter sentences that are active, whether they are about actual action or not are more powerful reading.
So who is Delila Montet?
I read this through with delight. It was delicious. I know somebody who talks like Bill thinks. Made it a lot of fun, and believable. Thanks so much for a good time.
I like it. it has a lot of atmosphere and really caught me up in the moment.
I forgot my surroundings for a little while and could really see the canyon falling away
and Charlie was very real.
Thank you for a very enjoyable reading experience.
Fun! I had wonderful, good fun. And I learned something, which made it all worthwhile.
Now I can happily exercise my brain and maybe improve on my IQ by learning concrete thinking.
Heaven knows, I grew up asking why until my family begged me to shut up.
You have given me new torture techniques.
This was brilliantly written. It made gaining information a delight, which is what learning should always be. It was enlightening, which is what good religious writing should always be.
Thank you
This is beautiful. I believe who's in the second stanza is supposed to be whose.
And I suggest a comma after 'breath' in that stanza.
Very nice, though. The imagery is impressive. It's what a poem should be.
The lining is a little rough, but I like the capitalization, and it might not be the
lining. It might just be the spacing that's throwing me off. There's a technical
problem for me in the way it's presented that prevents me from enjoying it as
much as I want to, because the phrases and images are wonderful. It's a beautiful
poem.
Thank you,
Mary,
Thank you for giving me a nice, warm feeling. I love cats too. I don't have any with me at this time. My Merlin is gone. He was my old man, a Siamese. Reading this was so sweet. I had a sense of
cats around me again. I was a confirmed dog person all my life, until I discovered the precious
feeling of being owned by a cat. I don't think Merlin would be ready for me to own another one yet,
though.
Thanks again.
Kalaiope.
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