Hey, first off sorry it took me so long to read this, I've been flat out. It's fantastic, I love the story and the emotion it portrays. I feel like the rhythm is a bit disjointed and could be improved, unless disjointed is what you where going for.
How to break a heart
Tell her you love her.
Go ahead.
Do it.
Tell her ten times a day.
A hundred times.
Until she believes it.
This has a good rhythm, it's a strong opening, and it reads well.
You’ll know because she’ll cry at the idea
of losing you.
And she'll tell you how important
you are to her.
And when she asks why you didn’t call
tell her you were working,
because you have something special planned
for her birthday.
I feel like the would read better in a different tense, for example;
You'll know when she cries
at the very idea of losing you,
And tells you just how important
you are to her.
When she asks why you didn't call,
say you where working.
And you have something special
for her birthday. etc etc
Finally you use the words "and" and "tells" too much.
This is a great piece, however I feel it needs some work to get to it's full potential. In saying that I am an amature writer myself and these are only suggestions, keep writing :)
Hi, first off I love what you are going for here. It has a very similar feel to my writing. I just wanted to take a moment to point out a few things. Keep in mind that I am only an amateur and these are merely suggestions.
There are a few spelling errors here which I will address first. In the 3rd line "a lone" should be "alone" one word not two and in the 7th you need an "s" on the end of "seem". Also I am unsure of the word "longs" in the first two lines. Lingers maybe? or Lives, You long for something you cant have, but I don't think it fits with what you are trying to put across here.
This reads quite fluidly, but there are a few bits that could be smoothed, try reading it aloud and altering parts where you find it hard to read in the flow you are after? I generally end up editing my pieces over and over again, because when I right them they are rough and more emotion than prose.
Line 5 needs to be altered in my opinion as it uses two different points of reference.
"When it seem like I can't go on, and I'm so tired of struggling.
I close my eyes and fall asleep."
Those are my favourite lines, haven't we all felt like this at some point? They read beautifully and for me they captured the true struggle of the pain and fear you feel inside.
Keep writing, I will be on the look out for more of your work :)
I enjoyed reading this but the overall rythm needs work, I assume this is a free verse piece, that is what I write the most. when you have no syllable count or rhyme the rythm is what makes your piece speak. having said that if your happy with it thats all that matters. keep writing x
All Writing.Com images are copyrighted and may not be copied / modified in any way. All other brand names & trademarks are owned by their respective companies.
Generated in 0.07 seconds at 12:42pm on Dec 22, 2024 via server WEBX1.
View Portfolio
Visit Notebook
Send Gift Points
Awards
Badges
Send Email
Community Newsfeed
General Discussion
Sponsored Items
Book of Trinkets
Static Items
Books
Groups
Interactive Stories
Audio
Campfire Creatives
Community Notes
Crossword Puzzles
Documents
Folders
Images
In & Outs
Madlibs
Photo Albums
Polls
Product Reviews
Quizzes
Survey Forms
Web Pages
Word Searches
