Everyone gets a five the numbers are meaningless. The Flow of your lines is interupted. Try to end the lines at natural pauses. The first two lines are a great example.
"The winds swirl, their billows sweep
Away the sorry pains of the past,"->
"The wind swirls my lonley soul,
Their billows lift the past before me,"
The sentiment of the two lines is that the wind is cleaning her/ his soul. Pretty sure you mean the opposite, that the wind is keeping the pain alive, stirring up the old memories.
This is just a suggestion for wording. The lines though have a natural pause at the end of them. Intentionaly stutering things is a technique as well but in this case it doesn't fit.
There is no punctuation rules realy in poetry, use it to accentuate the pauses or to draw attention to some lines.
"I gaze through curtains of the foggy past
Life passes by, unseen, unheard"
Try->
"I gaze through curtains of a foggy past,
Life passes by,
unseen,
unheard."
Each word then is taken in more wholly than in the line. the reader pauses over each word reflecting about its meaning.
This is free verse more than structured poetry but it is none the less valid.
You can also try inverting sensory meanings with lines like this to realy create a striking impresion.
"I gaze through curtains of a foggy past,
life's weeping melodies mouth strange concerns.
Unseen,
unheard,
I touch the world,
unfelt,
unloved,
I taste my life."
Again just throwing stuff out there.You have a good sentiment and it is obvious what it is but the flow of the lines needs to be changed and the wording needs to be spiced up.
Thanks for the read.
1st Paragraph "...magnifying them, making them look like fairies so tiny as to be almost invisible," it's like a jumbo shrimp doesn't make absolute sense try changing.
2nd paragraph is redundant, to much of the same. try compressing them and expanding the clay part, feel, texture how it invokes saddness.
3rd great but the ending image is a little lacklustre "...shape under a blanket." Try something more vivid.Mechanics and sentence structure need some attention
"He saw her in the clouds drifting across a pale blue sky.He saw her in the contours of the wood of the door. He couldn't escape her face."
or
"He saw her in the clouds drifting across the pale blue sky,in the contours of the wood of his door. He couldn't escape her face."
4th Semicolon usage wrong use a comma. "Strange house of mirrors" ever seen a normal house of mirrors, drop the strange part.
6th is one giant run on sentence. say it out loud when you need to take a breath consider a period. Revise the wording to fit.
7th "It may have been that very passion which had caused things to turn out as they had" revise the end of this. What happened? "... Which extingused the raging fire." Don't leave such open inconclusive ideas, this guy is obssessed. Last sentence word choice is confusing his world shifted to a "new axis"
Sorry I'll write another for the rest, I have to go back to work. This guy is absolutley obssessed though try adding some realy obbssesive writting to characterise it. Mention his state of being does he shower, does he eat, maybe he walks around with one sock and his big toe sticking out, hair matted like a crack addict. Make the guy a mess, he'll be more compelling. "He spontaneously begins weeping as he carresses a knot in a tree that looks like his beloved. A woman pulls her curious child away while starring derisivley at the insane man," thats oblivious and obssessed.
Everyone gets a five, the numbers have little meaning, the review is the real deal.
You write well and the mechanichs are fine; however, the situation seems contrived, lol, like a short story. What I mean is your story lacks an umph that will throw it over the edge. Despite the depth of understanding there is know why to the how. Your main character feels this incredible weight and alot of very complex emotions, why does she feel them?
She feels dirty and alone in crowds, sketch some past incident or describe in more detail an actual panic in a group, use the one at hand sudden exposure. As well your character seems to be able to ignore the paralyzing nature of her state at will, it's best to Justify with a capital J. She had the birthday party because of family pressure it made her feel week for agreeing.
These are suggestions that may develop depth in the narration. As for the ending and the sudden resolve, this is very real. Maybe add more backbone to the whole thing, maybe add doubt as to prior failures, inner fight. Yes I can, No I can't, with help I will triumph, who am I kidding these people only pretend to care...etc.
Add some spacing to help the readability it looks compressed and bulky.
"...temporally job." Wrong word?
The dialouge is stiff at times "I too suffer from a chronic ilness." Soften it add some emotion to the line, some compasion, some disdain.
"I suffer from <insert disease>, I struggled. you just need to stop feeling so much self pity." Disdain
"It doesn't matter how many times I dreamt I was well, wished I was whole again. Every time in the doctors office he would look at me with those eyes, everyone who knows has those eyes, full of pitty. I know what it's like be sick all the time, your mind just won't let your body forget." Maybe compasion
Anyways Thanks for the read, I give 5 out of 5 all the time. I find the number value system meaningless its the review and suggestions that help. Anyone who writes even for themselves gets a gold shinny star.
Every one gets a five the numbers are meaningless unless its a contest.
You don't like festive dinners? What kind of person are you?...lol, kidding, I'm sure some traumatic easter feast has caused festive dinner rage in you. As long as you don't gun your family down because of it.
The poem has a good topic, the wording is off and confusing in the last stanza. "novice?" i'm not sure I got the intent of your words for most of it, except for the last phrase.
Everyone gets a five, the numbers are meaningless unless its a contest.
Your poem has great potential, the images you build are critical and diffuse. You don't point to solid constructs I like. Lines need to be reworked to fit the flow, "or under a hot iron of hopelessness," would be a better line instead of broken up. That stanza looks like it was spaced wrong maybe not intentionaly, happens in transfer from word processors.
"I watched the lives of made up people,
playing to a motion picture sound track,
which flattens out,
the dreamcoat,
the towers,
The romance in the rain,"
Last stanza as well maybe try splitting like this, the emphasized words can stand alone in there own lines. Some wording may be changed to clarify or accentuate menaing of this stanza.
I like it i haven't read a a peice like this.The narration is good it may stand a feeling of longer time. Some sort of watching as glaciers melt or something.
Everyone gets a five the numbers are meaningless.
I like the first two lines especialy "A must to limb"
The structure of the lines could be split or fused in some cases
A thought,
A mote of might,
A must to limb that carrys out my will.
Play with the lines more it will realy emphasize certain points.
Now!
The fist must clench!
With lightning speed,
every decree takes flight.
Bravo, I loved it. Great interplay with time and love and meaning. I loved the secret hour the hidden partition in the day that brings out the bad feelings.
Very much a poem, I think. The longest paragraph is a little confusing, maybe edit out a sentence or a few words.Very beging sunshine and lolipops, then wham I wana slit my wrists, maybe not so happy->brooding obsesive love turns inside out.
Just a sugestion, liked it a lot!
Well, wording and content are a bit of an issue. I like the topic it has great depth to mine. Check your flow read it allowed and if doesn't fit try different words. The idea is a bit heart of darkness.
Keep on writing!
Hey, some of the lines end in the wrong spots, "From being bruised by those...", continue the thought on the same line length is optional. I liked the lips imagery, sexy and vivid in picture.
Some of the content doesn't fit joining the hurt lover with a bigger idea maybe two different poems.
Great but can you dance to it?
Very clear, try burying some of the meaning in imagery or other devices to enhances the readers connection. Sometimes the clear blunt association is to personal thus the reader is disconnected from the idea. I hope my wife thinks the same of me!
A common theme that people write on, legitimate but needs work. A couple of word issues, "I discover my days have become so ungodly,", think about changing the wording here. I see the intention but it doesn't fit. The flow is dependent on the rhyming, think about fusing the sentences to acheive a better flow,"Sometimes I feel so all alone, Here by myself, so on my own."
Try burrying some of the intention in imagery instead of displaying naked thoughts, contrast the blue with crimson sunsets etc, helps to layer your thinking and deepen your intent/ interpretation.
Writting is like breathing don't stop.
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