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Printed from https://writing.com/main/profile/reviews/kaelz
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99 Public Reviews Given
101 Total Reviews Given
Review Style
I am probably a better editor than I am a writer at this moment (something that I am working on). Two things I enjoy are reading and giving my opinion. That having been said, my style is honest but kind. I will always see potential in a piece and try to bring out the author's strengths.
I'm good at...
Spotting grammar issues and aligning inconsistencies in plot and character. Providing an objective, reader perspective that might not have occurred to the author.
Favorite Genres
That's tough; I enjoy reading most genres, especially comedy, drama, non-fiction, philosophical, etc
Least Favorite Genres
This is also difficult to categorise. I don't like fantasy where the plot and characters are so alien I can't follow easily. I generally don't like a lot of swearing or anything rated over 18 but I will make exceptions if the story is great.
Favorite Item Types
Anything, absolutely anything! Novel, blog, short story, poem, crossword; anything...
Least Favorite Item Types
Hmmm, when I find one, I'll let you know.
I will not review...
XGC or blatantly pushy religious or marketing material.
Public Reviews
Previous ... -1- 2 ... Next
1
1
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (3.5)
Hi Susannah,
This story deserves it's Competition win, good job. The compassion in the mother's tone is touching and the way Trevor sees her as god-like, as though she can fix anything... I'm sure many people can identify with this story in some way.

The only concern I have is really a matter of taste, "Ta-da" under these circumstances seems a bit jolting and pulls me out of the fictional world. Perhaps "A-ha" wold work better?

Just my thoughts, use what you like... Thanks for sharing your story with us.

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2
2
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hi Mary-Ann,
This game is fantastic! I will definitely be back, what a great way to celebrate our love of words, the more unusual, the better... Although I'm not personally convinced by the made-up words.
It's an added bonus that you keep involved in the action as well.

This review is in celebration of
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3
3
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Hi Donkey,
I generally do not write or review poetry but now and then I make exceptions so please take my comments with a bag of amateur salt (me being the amateur, in case that's not clear).

The concept is fantastic! I relish any writing that is about writing/language/ or even personifying letters. It's so cleverly done with the U:you, and "Grammar" personified as a grandparent? Your ability to play with the English language is impressive.

Favourite line: "My Grammar offered to pay my sin tax".

In the third stanza you use "clearly" and "clear" in the same line. Perhaps one of these can be substituted for a smoother read? Just a personal preference.

The rhyme scheme is fairly loose which suits the playfulness of the content. Being South African, I speak British English. So, to me "Quay" is pronounced like key which throws the rhyme off, but I assume you have a different pronunciation?

In the last 2 stanzas I can picture this 'Queen' dismissively turning her nose up while talking. Very well done and thanks for sharing!

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4
4
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (5.0)
Hi Geoff,
This is terrifying. In just a few lines you put so much emotion and depth, well done!
My favourite part is; "Put on your show my little man, walk on your hind legs". Wow! I know that feeling but it's even worse because 'little man' is treated like he's a zoo animal. I wonder what it is about these 'family' gatherings that makes us feel like we have to entertain people to deserve their attention?
The feeling of claustrophobia is also thick in this piece, I feel my chest closing on his behalf.
Great job!


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5
5
Review of Indigo Girl  Open in new Window.
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (3.5)
Hi Hyper,
For our purposes, I am Dance-Monkey. How do you do? *BigSmile* I thoroughly enjoy reading and giving my opinion, so please keep a bag of salt handy and remember, this is just a subjective opinion.

*Puzzle1* Overall Impressions:
The premise is intriguing, makes me think of the series Touch. Do you know it? As a contest entry, great job.

*Puzzle1* Characters
The most defined character is Jane Hartman. You seem to have spent more time on her intricacies than any of the others. At first, I think I'm supposed to like her, perhaps she is the protagonist, so when she is not, I felt a bit confused.

Angela is written well. I believe that she is young but also more perceptive than the average 6 year old.

*Puzzle1* Plot:
I don't know how adoption (especially of older children) happens in the real world but this used car feeling is very disconcerting. Samantha is made out to be caring and sensitive, but she says there was no spark? It seems like a callous thing to say.

*Puzzle1* Great line:
"As Angela looked up at the other kids, her mind became flooded with pictures, voices, sounds and emotions"

*Puzzle1* Grammar:
There are a few grammar issue that you could address if you wanted to take this further.

*Puzzle1* Final thoughts:
I liked the surprise at the end, it was fairly unexpected although in hindsight, it was being set up throughout. Good job!


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6
6
Review of The Disappearance  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (3.0)
Hi Lynda,
Gosh, I don't know how to apologise for the massive delay on this review! There is no excuse! To make up for the delay (and to apologise to Angels in my Ear Author Icon) I am doing an in depth review of this longer story. Forgive me?

*Puzzle1* Overall Impressions:
I really enjoy the mystical undertones; the fairies and the dark forest, Nana's crystals, the "Trickster". It is alluring and I want to breathe in that world. However, the story still needs some work to make it fluid and believable. I hope you will continue growing these characters and plot so that it can be a full novel length story one day.

*Puzzle1* Characters
Em is endearing, however her age confuses me. She appears so mature and nostalgic but then I learned that she's in elementary school. That is inconsistent for me. The way she talks is old-fashioned and quite adult, she also perceives things more easily than I imagine a child would; for example, she understands why her mom wants to be in Nana's room (to be closer to her). The story could do with a little tension between thee two characters.

Nana is fantastical, she almost seems like a fairy herself. The mansion is its own character or perhaps an extension of Nana. Nana is vibrant and independent in spite of her age. The mansion is really old and 'creaks' but you spent a lot of time telling us how Nana updated everything. I feel torn between imagining a true 19th Century mansion and a watered down modern big house. If you want the reader to feel that Nana and the house are somehow 'one', you should revise the amount of 'updating' that gets done to the mansion, perhaps Wayne does the modernising?. The modernisation also conflicts with this idea of Nana and the fairies. Perhaps consider taking time to define the parametres of her character so that can inform your description of the house and her relationship with the mystical.

Sue is very bland. Something in me does not want to like her and yet I'm not given enough to make that call. Brad and Wayne are also flat. The reader doesn't care about these characters so I'm not to concerned that they go missing.

Lilith and the Fairies are wonderful, I want to know them and see their world. We get a glimpse in Chapter 6 but, man! I want more! You've promised us a mystical adventure and a fight between good and evil, I can't wait to read on.

That reminds me; what about the Trickster! You are a real tease! *Pthb* Please tell us more!!

*Puzzle1* Plot:
I've learned here on WDC that a writer should "start late and end early". So this is my advice to you; find ways of coming into the action when it is just about tho happen and then leave as soon as it is settling down. The description of the house and it's layout can be given during the action rather than having a full chapter just explaining how it looks.

Another example is that you spent a ten line paragraph explaining the set up of the party and then: "The night was golden and Nana and everyone else truly enjoy it. Everyone except, The Trickster. He lurked in the darkness watching and swore his revenge on all." Perhaps offer the party more attention, introduce a few members of the town and let the introduction of the trickster be more natural.

Chapter 4 starts with Em thinking about dreams that she's been having. It is 'out of the blue' and I feel disconnected from her experience. Perhaps spend some time bringing this element into the story in a believable way.

*Puzzle1* Grammar:
There are a lot of grammar and spelling issues. I understand that this is probably the bones of the story, the first draft, but the errors make it difficult to follow. I can get carried away with the minute details if I start and that is not the focus of this review. If you want someone to critically edit the grammar, let me know and I will do a separate review just focusing on that.

However, I will mention that you should decide on how you want to spell fairy and keep one spelling throughout.

*Puzzle1* Title:
I assume that this story is unfinished. Perhaps as you add to it, the title will be more fitting. Right now it sets up an expectation that the story doesn't meet; I don't really feel for the parents and the brother at this stage.

*Puzzle1* Final thoughts:
I feel as though this story is just an initial plot outline or idea. The finesse is not there yet but that will come with as you work on it. Thanks for bidding on my review package on the Genre Auction and again, apologies that it took so long!


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7
7
Review of Showdown  Open in new Window.
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: 18+ | (5.0)
Hi Wren,
The Power Reviewers are storming 2007 so I thought I'd check out this piece.
For our purposes, I am Dance-Monkey. How do you do? *BigSmile* I thoroughly enjoy reading and giving my opinion, so please keep a bag of salt handy and remember, this is just a subjective opinion.

*Puzzle1* Overall Impressions:
This is heart breaking and yet comical. That is impressive. I am particularly impressed with the way you say so much and yet don't say what the reader what's to know; what did she ask him??? We can postulate and the aloofness adds to the bizarre-ness of the conversation. I would suggest that you turn this into a script. There are a few moments where Allie is playing out the conversation with the boyfriend and this would make for really comical acting out.

*Puzzle1* Characters
Allie is a dits; she seems a bit slow on the up-take. Laren seems like the long suffering best friend who maybe indulges Allie's ignorance to a certain degree. Not much is given about any character and yet they leap off the page, great job!

*Puzzle1* Plot:
The plot is age old and yet the way you have put it on the page is fresh and exciting.

*Puzzle1* Great line:
“His eyes said it.”-Hahahaha! I have heard this from too many women!!!! Hahahaha! excellent!

*Puzzle1* Grammar:
I like that the story is mostly in dialogue however some of the sentences run a bit long. This is a style issue not really a technical one, so do what you like with it.

*Puzzle1* Figures of speech:
Again; “His eyes said it.” Hahahaha! *Laugh*

*Puzzle1* Title:
The title is rather removed from the piece. Consider "fall out" or "Consequences"??? (As in; what are the consequences if she insists he answer or if she walks away and pretends it didn't happen?) Just thoughts.

This was fantastic to read! I don't often give 5 ratings but this was so creative and really puts a mirror up to society.

AWESOME!!



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8
8
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: 13+ | N/A (Review only item.)
Hi Nixie,
For our purposes, I am Dance-Monkey ~ We've got this Author Icon. How do you do? *BigSmile* I thoroughly enjoy reading and giving my opinion, so please keep a bag of salt handy and remember, this is just a subjective opinion.

*Puzzle1* Overall Impressions:
This story starts with a bang, the wind feels personified and Marcy's murky grip on reality is clear. It took me a moment to realise that Kayla was dreaming (and unconscious) but when I did it was beautiful. The doctor is a bit 'on the nose' in his diagnosis but it adds to the sense of drama. When Kayla is trying to wake up, I cried, it was so emotional. Wow!! The fact that the mom comes out of her haze at the same time that Kayla wakes up is clever. This is a great story!! And a wake up call for those of us who sometimes forget.

*Puzzle1* Consistency:
When Kayla is dreaming you should consider her 'register' carefully. She is 10 years old. I understand that some of the words are from the book being read to her, such as 'airborne', 'quench' and 'parched'. However she says the beeping 'disturbs' her, would a 10 year old say that?

*Puzzle1* Characters
David: "The psychiatrist prescribed anti-depressants, but sometimes it slips your mind, and you travel back to a well-worn path of despair."- This line is a little to descriptive for me to believe that he actually said it. It might work better in the narrative rather than the dialogue. That having been said, his gentleness towards his wife is stunning.
Marcy is is great character, she is unhinged but still loves her daughters.
Amelia is fairly unexplored in my opinion. You could do more with her, especially seeing as the reader meets her in a dream world; is she angelic? Is she floating or glowing, does her voice sound like peace? I don't know, you can explore the idea if you want to, or atleast describe her to us a bit.

*Puzzle1* Plot:
The story is captivating. I held my breather right to the end. It is rare that an author can find a unique plot, it seems that all stories are versions of each other, but this is truly unique and special.

*Puzzle1* Great line:
There are so many, here are a few that stuck with me:
The entire paragraph 1
"Marcy found a clean one and her fingers began worrying another to bits, mindless of scraps littering her jeans."

*Puzzle1* Grammar:
The second paragraph is a bit difficult to read. The past tense is maintained but the second last sentence doesn't feel like a complete sentence to me. On one hand this is disconcerting but on the other it works to show Marcy's fragmented reality. So, it's up to you if you want to edit it or keep the sense of broken reality.
"Kayla, you think you're jacket's missing" 'you're' should be 'your'.

*Puzzle1* Figures of speech:
"Autumn wind"- This feels like a name, as though someone is really chasing Marcy into the house. It is beautifully done!
The first paragraph is a great example of "showing". I feel the wind and the boots stopping. I see the carton of eggs careening at the picture frame and the crash of broken glass.
It's not exactly a 'figure of speech' but the element of meta-fiction is really cool. The sense that the girl can live in the book is great!
The horse is also personified which works well.

*Puzzle1* Title:
The title gains layers of meaning through the story, it is excellent.

*Puzzle1* Final thoughts:
The story is an emotional roller coaster. The characters are great, perhaps review the dialogue pieces and make sure they are consistent with the character speaking.
The pace is quite fast, perhaps you could offer the reader some more lulls in the action by extending the scenes more, let her feel the nothingness of sleep for a while or let the parents talk in the hospital room or at least let us feel the activity in the hospital, nurses walking passed perhaps someone laughs, the vending machine makes noises, something to let us catch our breath.
Thanks for sharing this story it is beautiful.

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9
9
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hi Magoo
The WDC Power Reviewers are raiding the site! I saw this poem listed on the raid party page and was intrigued by the title.
For our purposes, I am Dance-Monkey ~ We've got this Author Icon. How do you do? *BigSmile* I thoroughly enjoy reading and giving my opinion, so please keep a bag of salt handy and remember, this is just a subjective opinion.

*Puzzle1* Overall Impressions:
The humour in this poem is fantastic. The beginning seemed so serious and then it seems like the husband is being abused but the end was really great. Its nice to see that not all poetry has to be dark and heavy.

*Puzzle1* Characters
The 2 characters are great. The wife (bull) and the husband (mole) and well juxtaposed. At the end the wife is talking happily as though nothing happened, it creates suspense and makes the reader almost feel angry. Well done. It makes the humour all the more shocking.

*Puzzle1* Plot:
We can all relate to the story but this is particularly well written.

*Puzzle1* Great line:
It was all great. I particularly like the rhythm and rhyme. It's playful and almost nursery rhyme-ish.

*Puzzle1* Grammar:
I think "plea" should be "plead".

*Puzzle1* Figures of speech:
She is a bull, he is like a mole. The rhyming is fantastic.

*Puzzle1* Title:
The title is good, it could go many ways.

*Puzzle1* Final thoughts:
This was funny and very well written, thanks for sharing!



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10
10
Review of ~I'm Coming Home~  Open in new Window.
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Hi WebWitch
The Power Reviewers are going buck wild today! I'm here with a quick review as part of the monthly raid...
For our purposes, I am Dance-Monkey ~ We've got this Author Icon . How do you do? *BigSmile* I thoroughly enjoy reading and giving my opinion, so please keep a bag of salt handy and remember, this is just a subjective opinion.

*Puzzle1* Overall Impressions:
Flash fiction poses the problem of trying to squeeze too much story into very few words. I am really impressed that you managed to tell a great story in such a short space, good job. I can see why this was a winning entry!
I don't quite understand why she has to ditch the car but I'm sure that's just because I'm not American of any sort.

*Puzzle1* Characters
To show the nuances of a failed marriage in a few words is tough. The reader gets the main cause of the separation but man that guy sounds like a tool!

*Puzzle1* Plot:
The plot is exciting but somehow not too much. There is a good balance of fast and slow(er) pace; good job.

*Puzzle1* Grammar:
Nothing out of place.


*Puzzle1* Title:
The title obviously comes from the dialogue in the piece, but otherwise it doesn't seem to relate much. Revising might be in order.

*Puzzle1* Final thoughts:
This is a great piece of flash fiction. Good job!


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11
11
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hi PENsive,
I was scouring the Power Reviewer's Raid Party list and saw this. The short description caught my eye as I am very interested in the process of memory.
For our purposes, I am Dance-Monkey ~ We've got this Author Icon. How do you do? *BigSmile* I thoroughly enjoy reading and giving my opinion, so please keep a bag of salt handy and remember, this is just a subjective opinion.

*Puzzle1* Overall Impressions:
This was a beautiful piece. Thank you for sharing! It is captivating. I could feel little Jefferey playing around my feet and the joy you get from the memory of him in his childhood bedroom.

*Puzzle1* Characters
Well, in this case it's not so much characters but actual people; you and Jefferey. Your son is portrayed beautifully. As a child he is innocent and passionate (I particularly enjoyed it when he lamented all the 'work' he had to do at kindergarten! *Bigsmile*

*Puzzle1* Plot:
Watching your son grow is probably like reading a fantastic book. This is how it comes across in this story. An important element of plot is being able to see growth in the characters through the plot progression. That is very clear here.

*Puzzle1* Great line:
"I closed the door to his room to safeguard all those memories against the ravages of time, for as long as I have these memories, my house will never be empty, not really empty."-this is spellbinding!

*Puzzle1* Grammar:
No obvious issues.


*Puzzle1* Title:
The title is fine. I'm always intrigued by titles that gather meaning as I read the piece. This one does not do that and it had little direct relationship with the actual piece but rather speaks to the mother character's state of mind. If it hadn't been for the short description, I don;t know if I would have read it. However, that being said, I don't think it necessarily needs to be changed... It's up to you.

*Puzzle1* Final thoughts:
I am so glad I took the time to read this, it was a treat! Great work!


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12
12
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hi Aundria,
This poem is fantastic! You have used the theme so well, congratulations. The required words sit a bit uncomfortably, but overall a really great poem! Perhaps the last line could read "my shadow's become me" for a more fluid grammatical flow.
Thanks for sharing!!


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13
13
Review of Communion  Open in new Window.
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (3.5)
Hi Dyrheart
For our purposes, I am Dance-Monkey. How do you do? *BigSmile* I thoroughly enjoy reading and giving my opinion, so please keep a bag of salt handy and remember, this is just a subjective opinion. Also, this review is part of your Hydro package from the Power Reviewers.

Title:
The title is interesting and evocative. Especially when you begin reading and it's about fishing.

Characters
We are told that the character's name is Anne, however we are not given much else about her. I can't tell how old she is, what she might look like, if she's married, student, single mother, there is not much back story. Having said that, in a short story like this, this background info is not essential. My only suggestion is that you offer the reader some inkling of why she so desperately feels like she needs the fishing break and the 'moment' with God. Is she maybe a pastor who is spent from giving out to the congregation constantly and she needs refreshing?

Plot:
The plot is sweet. The excitement of the fish biting is well paced. The moments with God are great. They are genuine and full of peace. I find it interesting that all the characters; Anne, Louise and the grandma, are women, and yet the are fishing. Are you using a personal experience for the basis and/or trying to make a statement about gender roles?
"The proverbial carrot"- this paragraph doesn't fit for me. She is so peaceful and removed from the hustle and bustle. You could either show us a glimpse of her 'normal' life or remove

Great line:
"Anne started to cast out, but she looked up to where Louise was working a bent pole"-beautifully said.

Grammar:
"She grinned with her determination". The 'her' is awkward.
"God! this feels so good"- This should have a capital T.
The second last paragraph has a long sentence, consider revising it in to 2.
Figures of speech:

Consistency:
In the first paragraph, she is reeling in a fish and the excitement is building. Then the second paragraph starts with the bare hook. It feels to me like something is missing here.
The connection between the fishing experience and the communion is a bit thin. Perhaps bring in her feeling of overwhelming joy and peace subtly a bit earlier.

Overall Impressions:
The serenity of the fishing scene is beautiful. I understand the significance of communion, but even people who have not read the Bible much or felt the presence of God could relish your story. Thank you for sharing it with us.

Final thoughts:
Do you write a lot of stuff with a religious message? I like that you keep it simple and show how joyful and peaceful it can be to know god. Good job.


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14
14
Review of Ugly Ornament  Open in new Window.
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hi Lynda
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I'm here, in your portfoIio to do a review as part of the WDC Power Review Package you were gifted.
Your portfolio is deeply personal and speaks of a life filled with many joys and many sorrows. Having written candidly about your daughter's struggle with prescription meds in "Why", this story was all the more poignant and touching. so, considering that this story is so personal, please take my comments with a large dose of salt.

Title:
The titles in your portfolio are mostly short and to the point. I appreciate the impact that such a vague title can have. The reader is not able to make any assumptions before reading. That having been said, You don't describe the ornament much. You mention the butterflies but I can't reconcile the image of butterfly Ornaments and the title. Perhaps, to conserve your word Count, you could consider using the title Space to describe the ornament you are holding a bit more? Consider: "This ugly old ornament" or "This tattered ornament".

Characters
The children are beautifully described, especially your daughter who I can see clearly in my mind. lsa child, she seems to float and drift just like a butterfly.
l also see you clearly; a mother who wants to hold onto precious memories of innocent times. It is truly heart wrenching. I see you holding the faded and crumbling ornament in your hands and talking directly to the reader, as though I am sitting at your kitchen table.

Great line:
"Constantly on the move, stopping only long enough to dazzle whoever was close enough to see her"

Grammar:
There is a full stop missing at the very end.

Overall Impressions:
Stunning. what an amazing story in so very few words .

Final thoughts:
There are no words a stranger can offer that could possibly still your aching heart, but I will say: thank you far sharing your love and pain as a mother


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15
15
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
Hi Joy,
What a great blog! This is truly an exhibition of your talent as a writer! You are fantastic! ok, enough exclamations...
You show in this blog that you are:
1 well read,
2 creative with next to nothing in terms of prompts,
3 honest and frank about yourself and
4 you see the value of blogging to expose yourself as a great author.
(man, I hope I got that formatting right....)
Have you been published?


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16
16
Rated: 18+ | N/A (Review only item.)
Hi Dawn,
I'm reading a lot of blogs to see what focus people have in each. It's interesting that you use your blog as a weekly planner. Do you get a lot of feedback from others? Is it motivating to have your goals publicly displayed? Do you feel more accountable?
The short description you gave here is very intriguing for us all on WDC. I want to be published too so seeing your progress towards publication is encouraging. You clearly work very hard!


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17
17
for entry "Spring Fever" Open in new Window.
Rated: 18+ | (4.0)
Hi P. Snow,
Your blog is funny, interesting and raw. I really enjoy seeing how you experience 'ordinary' things and make such interesting stories out of them. Stories is maybe not the right word... 'Diary entries' maybe? Thanks for sharing and letting us get to know you!
On this particular post; I know that feeling! My dad calls it "lastig" which is an Afrikaans word meaning "irritable" or "restless".
My favourite part was the bit about wanting to run naked through the sprinklers but being too lazy to strip down... hehehehe! Very well written!


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18
18
Review of About Grammar  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hi Snerfu,
Thanks for the puzzle.
I also enjoy grammar so this one was fun! I learned something; gerund... nice! And I also took the Ideanary for a spin and got 'essay'.
19
19
for entry "Anniversary" Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hi Aundria,
This is beautifully written, thanks for sharing it.

Great verse:
"As the radio flickered,
it echoed the wind,
and told me life would never be the same.
Smoke, not clouds, had filled the sky,
and death was falling like rain."

I remember where I was when I first heard. This poem leaves the reader with that same feeling that the world as we know it has changed forever, there's no going back, innocence is gone. Really well done!


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20
20
Review of Crucible  Open in new Window.
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Hi Hunter,
Gosh, first of all, this is a great poem. I don't write much poetry and don't feel equipped to review it expertly, but this was on my newsfeed and it stirred me. Thanks for bringing attention to this humanitarian crisis. Your poem brings a mirror to all our faces and exposes our shame for not being moved by the plight of these young girls, great job!

On a technical note, it is quite unusual to have questions in poetry (in my experience). The use of the question mark is bold and shows the intention to call attention to our personal response to this shocking event.

Good luck with the Construct Cup, I'll be watching your progress.


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21
Rated: 18+ | (3.5)
Hi
For our purposes, I am Dance-Monkey. How do you do? *BigSmile* I thoroughly enjoy reading and giving my opinion, so please keep a bag of salt handy and remember, this is just a subjective opinion.

Title:
The title seems pretty plain when you first start reading, however, by the end of the story I realised that it has 'layers'. It fits the story very well, good job.


Characters
"Shaylee" is a pretty girly name. Having bounced through foster homes and developed the caloused exterior that she boasts, it is a little strange. This is particularly subjective, so; large dose of salt here.
I appreciate the symbiotic relationship that Cassie and Shaylee have, not exactly 'friends' but they offer each other companionship.
Shaylee's view of the English teacher, and the world at large, is convincing and interesting. The scene where the teacher obviously favours boys would play out well on screen. You should consider writing in dialogue, I think there's a challenge (Dialogue 500) or even doing some screen/script writing.

Plot:
Although the plot is predictable, it is also believable. I particularly like how you drew the image of the dandelion in from Shaylee's past and really let her 'self-reflect'. This is a short story and doesn't allow for much progress but you used the plot well. Good job.

Great line:
The silky petals and shade of yellow contrasting with the gray sidewalk sung with beauty. Shaylee whispered, “No one’s going to send a dozen of us on Valentine’s Day, but maybe someone will see us and remark, ‘It’s a miracle that they survived.'

Grammar:
I didn't pick up on any glaring grammar issues, however some sentences run on a bit long. If you take time to review this piece, I would suggest that you split phrases where you can. It is easy for the reader to follow.

Figures of speech:
The Poetry assignment is to find a flower that represents you, Shaylee takes it a step further and says she IS the weed, unwanted and hardy. Well done.

Consistency:
No issues with consistency, the plot and characters were well thought out.

Overall Impressions:
I believe the characters and the plot, although it was not extremely innovative, it is still a story that needs telling.
I am not fond of expletives and feel that they are over used in this piece. I understand that it fits the character, but it makes me feel alienated. I would not continue reading much further if the swearing appeared so frequently. Perhaps consider using really fowl language when it is really appropriate or impactful and finding other ways of showing her character in between.

Final thoughts:
Now that you have given Shaylee such a solid foundation, you should consider what she will do with her life? Will she become a police woman/detective who uses her status as a 'loner' to go undercover... Imagine her all grown up, I think that would be an interesting story.

Well, that's my two cents. Throw it at the ceiling and see what sticks.
Thanks for posting this story for our enjoyment.
DM


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22
22
Review of Query Letter  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (3.5)
Hi Adrian,
Firstly, welcome to WDC, I see that you are a newbie. Having said that, you have written a good hook letter above, so you are not new to the writing world. So, the content of this letter is well crafted and I trust that it will achieve its purpose and get you a meeting with a publisher. I will just look at a few minor grammar issues that might hold you back:

"she gets attack"- this should be "she gets attacked"
"authorities couldn't"- for the sake of consistency in tense, I would say "authorities can't"
for the riddle, consider putting descendant of Abel in "quote marks" to show that it is said to her?? just a suggestion.
In the second paragraph you repeat Annabel in the first two sentences. It seems awkward, consider using the pro-noun 'she' in the second sentence?
"does she begin"- this is awkward in relation to the sentence, consider 'she begins'.
Saying the "origin" of the story comes from two other books makes it seem like this will be an installment in those stories. Perhaps consider using the word inspiration instead?

All that having been said, good luck with this hook, I hope you catch something!


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23
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Review of small tale  Open in new Window.
Rated: ASR | (3.5)
Hi Timmy
I hear it's your account anniversary this month; congrats! ;)

So, I know this story is a bit old now and you've probably moved on to other interesting creatures, but I thought I'd give it a read through and let you know what I think.

It is cleverly written that the reader only finds out what kinds of creature "she" is in the very last line, and that it is implied and not obviously stated.
The empathy that you manage to illicit for the mouse and her dead parents is really impressive.

Grammar: "what she was looking fo," there is an 'r' missing.

Last paragraph: the first sentence of this paragraph does not have an object. It's complicated to explain, but the sentence could be fixed in a number of ways:
And THEN the owners of the house...
or
And when the owners of the house returned to dispose of her remains they grimaced at the mess (or what ever you want to say there).

Overall, well done, I enjoyed reading this and felt very sad for the little mouse!


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Rated: E | (5.0)
Brilliant story! The halls and corridors are fantastic, all the people dressed in the colours of their 'suitcases', it's very clever! The auction, it's all fantastic.
Man, where was Sophy when I arrived at WDC? It would have been far less overwhelming.
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Review of Worthless Angel  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (4.0)
Ugh, just wrote a whole review and lost it to the interweb. yuck.

It's interesting to see your process. Is this version earlier?

Verse 1: perhaps consider starting with the question: "Am I the worthless angel", rather than the statement.
"now nameless in a field"- this is a great line. I see a field of nameless soldier faces marching into war and I see the soldier lying dead and unclaimed in a field. Really great.

Verse 3: Consider "legacy" in place of "history" but it's up to you.
I am a grammar nut and have been known to get stuck on grammar in poetry (which is why I tend to avoid it), but I really like the lack of grammar in this version. Perhaps take out the one comma just so it seems purposeful.

Verse 4: "lay" should be "lie". Can the soldier be "decorated" and "unknown"?

Verse 5: I still struggle with the soldier representing anything as he is "unknown". Perhaps, national freedom represents their "sacrifice and what we did it for"?

So, after all these notes (and writing this review twice-techno idiot this side...) I prefer this version. It is more evocative and shows the soldier's bravery as well as fear. It has an unusual positive ending where the soldier seems to be comforting the nameless soldiers that come after him. wow! That is hectic!
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