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Printed from https://writing.com/main/profile/reviews/kaca
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6 Public Reviews Given
6 Total Reviews Given
Public Reviews
1
1
Review by Kaca Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (3.0)
I believe that this rhyming poem is as good a is it.. yet somehow I felt hollow, like there are no more mening that already described there. Presenting the historical story in a poem is point that is rare for me, I really want to add a suggestion but as I said, it was nice and its just me that not understand to the point that I don't event know the point to review. sorry
2
2
Review of Sweet dreams  Open in new Window.
Review by Kaca Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
well... this is a very nice opening, good introduction of character, simple without overe-emphasizing the characteristic yet simple enough to understand. The use of "Author" as a name is also served as a pleasant surprise for me, cause me kind of confused for a while, in a good way. I would like to recommend some facial expression or description, such as 'smirk, grinning, scowl' etc.


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3
3
Review of Ocean Moon  Open in new Window.
Review by Kaca Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (5.0)
The image given to me is both frightening and beautiful... not so much as frighteningly beautiful but well... you get what I mean
I am interested on the "Sanderling" part, what of it? it is a place or a phenomenon? don't ask me to Google it... more often than note a Poet have a different meaning than the data provided.
Nice Poet anyway, keep up your good work and maybe... teach me? :)


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4
4
Review by Kaca Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (5.0)
Hi, nice to meet you. so you talk about Durian eh? hahaha... makes me remember the time my little sister get "drunk" of Durian, (well.. after eating more than a whole fruit alone for 13 year old girl body... that s just too much :), after eating the fruit she stood up, stagger and.... well you know what happen next... For me the smells, taste and texture is delicious, I am not addicted to it but the taste and texture is unique on its own right. Given that most of my family member have apt taste for Durian, it cannot be help that I ended bought/keep it at least once every season, and when I say it "once" it means like.. a whole lot of durian at once, there are different kind of Durian too, the sweet but small one, the big but sour one and I heard that there are a kind that have better aroma but I never taste it.
There are also something about Durian that maybe just an urban myth, about the smells and how to get rid of it. You know the skin of Durian? after you take the edible part, you can use the crook on the inside of the fruit (the part on the skin left hollow after you eat it), as a place to wash your hand and gargle, just put a warm water there and directly use it to wash your hand or gargle it, you will find a sap-like substance on the water and will left a bit bitter taste on your mouth, but it is more effective than using any kind of soap, try it, it works for me :)
All in all, I like Durian and will eat it should you ask me to, and I'm from Indonesia so that I know one or two thing about Durian.


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5
5
for entry "Stormchild" Open in new Window.
Review by Kaca Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (3.5)
Greeting Blood,
The review will consist of 2 part, first is the parts of the story that I think need to be "smoothed" and the second is the writing itself in general, such as the style, atmosphere, flow of the story.... etc
First part..
"....relentless force outside that the sturdy sehana trees"
The wording in this part will make a person wondering about the meaning, try to put an explanation of the "outside" part, you can simply put outside the cave or in the open area or so on, because if you only mention it as outside without coma or explanation the meaning itself could be lost in the reader mind. "sehana" is a name, so don't forget to put a capital on the first letter :)
"with roots digging way deep underground, were uprooted like weeds"
For me, it seems that you try to show the power of the storm by comparing it with something, however, the comparation itself is unclear... try to imagine this part "uprooted like weed", what we got will be an image of weed and its root which actually strong... but if you add some words like "uprooted like the weed in the hand of farmer" or such, the reader will get a tad better feeling of the strength of the storm.
"stormtreaders"
this word is very eye-catching... yet seems out of place in the setting, maybe you could try to wording it in other way... or change the sentence altogether
"– which of course"
"to the cave, partly "
"– with her frail body and sickly nature – "
"alive, for now"
"her pale, white face, she hopelessly"
"Anyone who is outside in that storm and survives must not be human. It put more fear in her already fearful heart"
"the cave with her – she’s the only one there – and certainly not outside"
"Zeela closed her eyes and tried, unsuccessfully, to ignore the raspy voice"
"A small vortex started to form and tried to suck everything inside the cave"
"– arms, legs, torso, and head"
"Zeela – forcefully and sharply – and "
"said the raspy, cracking, feminine voice behind her"
All of above have problem with the coma or line (this one "-" cause I don't know the proper name XD), I know that you only try to add more details by adding some information and make it more realistic, easier to be felt. but the additional symbol will make the reader subconsciously add the extra explanation by using a flat and monotone narrator-stereotypical voice, try to ask your friend to read it aloud for you, and you will notice it. Try to change it with a word or two to reduce the pause or gap when reading this story.

Part 2
All in all, the setting of a storm, cave, child and mysterious storm woman is interesting, you do well with the way you describe the condition around Zeela, but you forget to explain what the child felt... like the hunger, biting cold, or feeling of missing the warmness of a home or so. The best thing I can suggest you is to have other person or even yourself, to read the story aloud, trust me it will help... well asking a review like this will help too :D
sorry for the long review, see ya around


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