This was a great read! I loved the dialogue, and the mounting tension and mess. Your dialogue moved the action forward and defined the characters.
Total meltdown unavoidable! I really felt with the character, right til the end. But it would have been satisfying to find out where the sound came from in the end.
There are two instances where I would have used the past perfect tense, because the action had happened earlier:
He had cleaned out the attic.
I guess there had been six.
I'll look out for more that you have written.
Nice thought! We should all remember to connect (Latin: re-ligio) more often than we do.
What do you mean with The Goddess and God....do you imply there are 2?
You change from "Here I am" to Do you hear. It might be better to stay with the same person.
It took me a while to realize you wrote this for yourself... I was thinking, not matter how good the advice, stay out of this grown man's business!
I like the fact that your advice is well rounded. Spiritual, physical, mental, emotional, ( social is missing :); you could go out and volunteer...)
I feel like printing your page out and putting it on my own desk!
Here are a few typos:
advise...the noun is spelled with a "c"
your married... you mean "You are" = you're married)
extra weight your carrying ... You're
Make sure your him! .... Make sure you're the one!
read some peoples items.... some people's items
mental areas of you life lets add the spiritual side, too. ... Your life,
don't lay there in a rut of ruefulness...don't lie there
With respect and admiration, Karin
What a fabulous story! I could not stop reading it. This is a subject that is not as far out as we might like to believe, although all in all, the number of people using technology is still quite small.
The dialogue is great, and you used some very evocative expressions, like, "So now I was not even included in everybody.", or "If I stood on a chair..."
I have only two suggestions:
chapter 8
The Government had done a fantastic job. It was smooth and fast. The 'it" refers to technology.
Chapter 10
They didn't associate... The personal pronoun has no connection to anyone
The lessons learned in 2012 have been... I would put "had been"
Great story, great writing, Tom!
Printed from https://writing.com/main/profile/reviews/k_jensen_edu
All Writing.Com images are copyrighted and may not be copied / modified in any way. All other brand names & trademarks are owned by their respective companies.
Generated in 0.07 seconds at 2:59am on Nov 25, 2024 via server WEBX1.
View Portfolio
Visit Notebook
Send Gift Points
Awards
Badges
Send Email
Community Newsfeed
General Discussion
Sponsored Items
Book of Trinkets
Static Items
Books
Groups
Interactive Stories
Audio
Campfire Creatives
Community Notes
Crossword Puzzles
Documents
Folders
Images
In & Outs
Madlibs
Photo Albums
Polls
Product Reviews
Quizzes
Survey Forms
Web Pages
Word Searches
