Hello Donkey Hoetay  , my name is Just an Ordinary Boo!  and I am responding to your request to review this item, thanks for returning for another review from me, I appreciate the validation.
This review is made as a gesture of friendship and community, please accept it as such.
 The Title: Titles do not 'take' superscript or subscript well, so spelling out numbers might make for a more visually acceptable option. I also prefer the use of Title case, where only the first letter of each word is capitalized. I belong to the old school, where all caps is akin to shouting, a quite unnecessary cry for attention, since your words are what should make the title draw attention to itself.
See, it may be apt, it may attract attention by inference, like yours says 'Golf', and the intro adds in the family emotional hint. But, is it unusual, profound, with potential for a twist in meaning, does it have alliteration or incongruous pairing, anything that makes it stand out from the vast array on offer? Without reading the story, I can ask you to consider PGW's (he's my goto example, I just worship his word wizardry) titles, the golfing ones. Or how about something like 'Best Foot Fore-ward', or 'Be-Fore And After'?
The Beginning: I quibble about this part more than anything else, although all parts or elements can be pivotal to the story. You see, this is about the opportunity one has to make an impression on the reader. In one of my tales I took a risk and began with three words, non-sentences, things that many people advice eschewing. But since those words were: "Rich. Bored. Restless."
I got away with it. Most people liked the immediate identification with the main character.
So, the beginning needs to be a great hook. You say:
"The course at Pinecrest never looked more spectacular."
This does give us setting, a possible location, and tells us there's a great bit of description coming. It also makes me pause, I don't know Pinecrest, I am not aware of how spectacular it normally looks, and how the current view is more so. It disturbs the concentration to ponder on such things.
Even if it were a seedy overgrown neglected place, if the morning sun and dew made it spectacular, that might make me more interested. Not in the surroundings of a few privileged ones, but somewhere where the rest of the world might make it.
Then a little later:
"The smell of the azaleas wafting over the virgin turf would have been intoxicating to any golfer's enthusiasm, and it certainly was not wasted on the pair warming up at the first tee."
A long sentence, it basically says, yes, tells one, that it smelled of flowers, a lot, and that the characters found it so too. Compare it, show me what it smelled like, I might never have smelled azaleas before (in fact I haven't seen one, either)! Why would that be intoxicating? Why particularity would it add to their enthusiasm? Is it a golfer-thing, or a family-thing? How was it not wasted? Did their ability, mood or conversation tone change as a result?
See, you triggered off more questions than you delivered information or created an image. Is that what you want to do?
The Setting: Well, you have the genres set to Dark, Mystery and Fantasy. Isn't Supernatural, or Ghost, an option, or do you want it to be a surprise? Then the best options would be to choose more generic ones, like Sport and Emotional.
So, anyway, according to genre choice, there's a lot of setting that needs delivery. The beginning makes good contrast for the middle, and the ending is pure 'Sixth Sense'. But it needed the support of setting, I felt the turns were expected, and confusing. (It is the expectations of past tales that lead to the confusion, one expects the unseen companion to be the ghost!)
The Characters: Does one have to like the characters? Perhaps not, but it's better if we can at least empathize and care about what happens. In this tale the main character could be either of the two prominent in the beginning, but both disappear, right out of the tale. Who remains, but the brazen and on-the-make so called successful man? And then, he turns out to be the Ghost? I don't think that it counts as the spoiler to reveal that, because, unless there's a vital reason for this ghost's roaming shenanigans the end is not going to work as it stands.
How well do the two men know each other? Mike is mis-named by Chuck, and he calls the other Chuck (intimate) and Mr. Billup (formal).
And what about the group that holds them up, after all the descriptions of weird, I expected them to be more integral to the tale, but they fade out altogether. It is a Short Story, not a Novel chapter, so if they're not integral to the plot, don't let them in!
The Descriptions: Other than the dew laden new-mown grass and the smell of azaleas, there was not much else to add atmosphere. Hmm ... I'll modify that, the rain clouds and lightning added in a touch of dark and eerie, but not enough.
The Story as a Whole: I think I got it on the third read-through, but who was the bride in the casket, and how come Danny can see Mike but not Chuck/Charles, and Mike can see Charles and Danny? I'm trying to sift the men from the ghosts here!
Who was the 'bride in the casket'? Is that how they refer to deceased women? There's so much I seem to be missing and I am not normally so inept. How come the clubhouse is used for funerals?
What is Sarah doing in the story?
As you can see, there are a number of questions raised that spoil the effect of a potentially good tale. Sometimes, less is more. If the tale was taut it would be more thrilling and suspenseful.
What I liked: When I finally got it, I liked the irony, the address was a deft touch. I love dark mystery, so if I could get all of this one, I would appreciate it even more!
After I 'got' it, the remark about not being hit twice by lightning was a good red herring that was actually a clue!
In fact I liked it enough to want to like it much more!
Suggestions: Remember these are made, not from any lofty pinnacle of ability or erudition, but more as a hiccup seen in the smooth enjoyment of a concerned reader -:
 "No, I suppose not," replied Daniel Frost with a smirk. Smirk: A smug, conceited or silly smile. You're sure you want Danny boy to smirk? I thought we were to feel he deserved our sympathy? A fatherless or abused young man who needs money to support himself, a budding player of promise? I sure wouldn't do that if he smirks at the innocuous but expected remark of an older man, a father-figure.
Also, don't have both dialogue tag and the action, just the speech in quotes and the 'he smirked' would do. Or, at least, omit that full name there, make it:'he replied with a smirk'.
He skid stopped just as they opened the back door of the limousine Hearst to let the bride out. Is Hearst a brand of car, or do you mean 'hearse'?
"I think she can recognize me now, but It's tough to tell" Let me get the itty-bitty out if the way first - there's an unnecessary capital 'I' in there - I've bold-ed the bit! It is dialogue, but despite that there's hope for showing rather than telling. 'She opens her eyes and they do seem to follow me around, so I'm wondering if she recognizes me. She hasn't yet responded with a hand squeeze or anything, though, so it's tough to tell.' Your way, one wonders what makes the man think she recognizes him if she isn't at the hand squeezing stage yet (which you mention in the next sentence).
"I suppose you don't really have to be physically there all the time. As long as you're there in spirit, I guess it's okay," said Danny thoughtfully." Again, it's not an error that makes me tackle this part, it's the information and attitude that emerges. Sure, it's okay if he's there in spirit, but quite the opposite happens. He is there (at her hospital bedside) physically but thinking of his golf game, so even when there, he's playing golf, in spirit. That is surely not okay? And it is definitely easier for someone to be at he bedside of someone critically ill but conscious than someone who is basically comatose and unresponsive, whose emotional need for that companionship is probably less. I mention this because one needs to empathize with the characters, here both did not appeal, Danny appears like someone who is 'sucking up' and Mike as shallow.
"The dew still glistened off the Bermuda grass blades. Their footprints left behind as clearly as if it had been snowing." I am not sure repetition of the glistening dew does much to enhance setting. The second sentence would improve with the inserted of the word 'were', as in 'were left behind'.
"Mike tipped his cap as they started to sing and moved on to join Danny at the next tee." What is the information given to us here?
Mike tipped his cap.
They started to sing.
He, or they, moved on to join Danny at the next tee.
On second pass, it's obvious Mike moved on. The confusion would not arise if the person making the motion did both actions at the same time, thus: 'They started to sing; Mike tipped his cap and moved on to join Danny at the next tee.'
Any comments are only an individual opinion. Please sip it all, allow what you find sweet to take the edge off what you think is sour.
 May your words go on to shine!
 Effort brings colour to Life
** Image ID #1534744 Unavailable ** |
| (4.0)
View Portfolio
Visit Notebook
Send Gift Points
Awards
Badges
Send Email
Community Newsfeed
General Discussion
Sponsored Items
Book of Trinkets
Static Items
Books
Groups
Interactive Stories
Audio
Campfire Creatives
Community Notes
Crossword Puzzles
Documents
Folders
Images
In & Outs
Madlibs
Photo Albums
Polls
Product Reviews
Quizzes
Survey Forms
Web Pages
Word Searches
Happy Holidays 
There's always something new and wonderful to make our site better and better! I hope you get as much out of it as I do - kinship with all sorts of writers, plenty of guidance in various forums and groups, friends whom I have met and liked, in real life, people with whom I correspond regularly. Have fun! 
My review has been submitted for consideration in "
so I will take it anywhere, anyhow.
Even the title and intro should be perfect. Especially these - they make the first impression. The intro should refer to 'past' days and not 'passed' days. (Your other item has two mis-spelled words: 'ciy' for city, and 'historica' for historical.) 
