Hello there Duke, and good morning. Honestly I thought this was an interesting read. It was also a short enough story that it did not just drag on. What did I notice was that you used "dreamed" twice instead of "dreamt". From your story you actually had the dreams but in past tense, so "dreamt" would have been more of an appropriate word to use I think."Dreamed" would be more useful to use when you are talking about if you had always "dreamed" of being a pilot, for example.
I am a writer like you, so take every review lightly, and use what works best for you. Keep up the good work and write on!
"I scream
No one hears it
When I speak
No one answer"
Confused by line 6, no one answer. Should it be playing off of line 4, so that it looks more like, no one answers it? Seems like there's no ONE answer. ;) Could use a bit more structure for the overall read, but I belive true poetry has no rules or boundaries. Feels like it's straight from the heart, and I like that the most. This is just my point of review though, so keep it up and write on!
God that is a good song, and I enjoyed reading it twice. I can’t say I had just one favorite part, because it was all good, as well as a great ending. Keep up the good work, and write on!
"Heaven has no rage like love to hatred turned, Nor hell a fury like a woman scorned,"
I understand this all too well, and I enjoyed this poem. I will not elaborate on that though. ;) Thank you for sharing.
This is a good story, and has a strong point. It was easy to read, and had a nice flow. How ever it was a bit hard to read because of the font combined with the bold text. Could be my monitor, or just my bad eyes too haha. Thanks for sharing, and write on!!!
Oh wow this was very good... I wouldn't change a thing. Besides the rating... You had the word "s***", so I'm sure that should be 13+ at least. I think. Great work. My favorite... "Thought our love wont go awayThen you proved to me That LOVE is just a word we say".
I do like this poem, and the point you are getting accross. Only bits of advice I think I can give is the flow and the rhythm of the rhymes. E.g. lines 11 and 12, "faded" and "stayed". Even though they seem to rhyme, faded has two syllables, while stayed has one. Lines 13 and 14, "lost, and "most" do not rhyme, although they look similar. Lines 19 and 20, "wiser" and "fingers". Fingers is pluralized, and changes the rhyme with the word wiser. I know it makes things difficulte to stay on the path of expresion, but that is where in lies the challenge. Words don't always have to be spelled the same, or end with the same letters. I think you got that in lines 17 and 18 with "tight" and "inside". Even though tight has one syllable, and inside has two. tight had the word "so" to make it work. You nailed it there. My favorite lines are "This woman just stared the same stare,Her heart burning with familiar flare." I loved the tempo and rhyme to it, and had such an attitude. Work on tightening it up and making sure that the sentiments you are trying to express remain connected. Take my words for what they are worth, I am still learning myself. Just trying to help, and like to share what I have learned here too. Great read, so write on!
This one has a nice flow to it. A good story of what could be with someone you lust for. Maybe it's love, maybe it's fate, or maybe it's just the want and desire of the flesh. I was confused on line 8 "But you act like you are dump". Do you mean "dumb"? Other than my confusion, Great work!
This is a good solid poem from your heart. My favorite part is the whole third stanza. Maybe make “to” lower case in “To hold me when I fall” , and “and” in “And I know you can fight."… Haha I know that’s allot of ands in one sentence for me to explain, but it is what several people have pointed out in a couple of my poems to help with reading, and the flow. It’s Just a suggestion. I hope to get to read more of your work, so keep it up, and write on!
I can relate to this one in many ways. My favorite lines are “If only I could share them with you
The nights would be warmer too”. I do really like this poem. I too use to write a bit when I was younger, but just lately have been getting back into it. I have a short poem that is very similar to this called “Streams of Sand”. It is about wanting something you can’t have and the lost moment. Check it out if you get a chance. Thanks for sharing this, and write on.
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